To think this is my job, not dh's mates.

[CatThiefKeith]

Dh has been faffing about what he wants to do for his birthday on Saturday for weeks. Yesterday he finally decided he just wanted to go down the local.

He's a bit disappointed because half the pub had already made plans to go to a boxing match, so once he was asleep I sent out a fb invite to loads of our friends saying I knew it was short notice but if they could make it that's where we'd be.

Then I got the following messages from dh's best mate. Who is a twat

Hi ya
As far as Saturday goes we're on the same page
I thought also that xxx would want people to pop in n see him for his birthday so I did the same
Assuming you would be by his side and so he didn't find out I didn't tell you
Hope that's not too imposing ? But just wanted you guys to turn up and people be out for him
Iv sorted a little cake balloons banners but also put a little gentle twist on his decor too
Really hope you don't mind and glad we're both on the same page or wave length x

Is it me or is that overstepping the boundaries a bit?

"I thought also that xxx would want people to pop in n see him for his birthday so I did the same "

That from the op reads to me that his mate knew that your husband would be there before you did!

So for all that Prick knew, you and DH could have:

1. Gone away for the weekend or
2. Turned at the pub and found a huge bunch of Prick's mates and balloons saying I love you Happy 40th?

""In fairness there is a bit of form for this so I am probably overthinking it.""

If you'd put 'MIL' and not Mate, everybody would be saying that it's odd/rude and to do something else, to show that you're the main person in your DHs life.

He's arranged a night out, that he would want. A bit of a 'any excuse for a piss up'.

Have there been other years that you've seen your Sister, so there was a chance you he would have got away with it?

You can sing HB to someone without a cake, so it's a bit OTT.

Diddl he called prick after he'd told me, but o waited til after work last night to create an event, whereas he went straight ahead.

Ultimately, as long as dh has a good night it doesn't really matter, just seems so weird not to mention it or invite me really.

Oooh, it sounds like you are seen as a threat to "the lads", OP. This sounds like the kind of mentality that sees women as 'domesticating' men and preventing them from having 'fun' on all-male nights.

just curious OP, is the boxing event a back tie charity affair? Its probably a coincidence but I am off to see my nephew box for charity at a big organised event on Saturday.

On the birthday matter, I can see how you feel, organising the party for your DH is a lovely thing to do but keeping you out of the loop, down to not even inviting you is weird. I hope DH and you have a lovely night though x

Other years I've seen dsis at the weekend when dh is djing and celebrated with dh on his actual birthday.

Prick also dj's, but is a bit shit, and can't mix, so I think that's where the hero worship comes in. I will piss myself if we walk in the pub on Saturday and he has set his gear up to dj. Dh would go mad!

No idea if it's black tie. A lad from the village is fighting.

The rest of the lads aren't threatened by me at all, it's just Prick.

also the fact you refer to this mate as Prick (and twat) makes me think there is more to this (back story perhaps). A third wheel perhaps

no not the same then, this event is at a very large venue with an after party. I often wonder if I will ever see something on MN that leaks into RL.

Does your DHs friend know what time you are arriving at the pub? Just wondered if an organised, "SUPRISE!" is planned to be sprung on him. I would take DH out for a meal prior to the pub so you have a special time with the 2 of you first, that way you have had an input. x

Itsnot he is weirdly over invested in dh at times, but normally I just let it wash over me.

Have decided the best way to deal with this is laugh at it.

His invite says 7pm. Mine says 8. A meal beforehand is an excellent idea thank you.

DH has a friend who I know would do this if he could, its creepy. It is over stepping the mark imo and I would be having words about taking things upon himself that he has no right to.

yes, humour gets me through things like this, its the best way, I hope you have a lovely night and DH enjoys his Birthday x

I have to say I would ask him if he could let me know next time so there is no mix up.

It's very weird that he hasn't invited all of your DH friends (assuming he knows them too) but more his friends iyswim. it does look like it wasn't quite done with your DH in mind iyswim.

yorkshirepudding

If you've work with lots of men you'd realise this was fairly common disorganised, last minute, no communication, etc. etc.

This is sexist and patronising. My massive workplace is 50/50 m/f and I very rarely see the traits you describe.

I'm really surprised at the number of posters who think it's simply delightful for this mate to organise all aspects of someone's birthday party without mentioning it to the birthday boy or the wife, in advance.

It's not a question of ownership, but unless the birthday boy has explicitly requested something from the friend, his wife trumps the friend and it should all be approved by her.

Because, you know, she's his wife.

Sounds like the friend was hoping for a lads' night!
At least he was polite, although the fact he said sorry hope it's not too imposing shows he knew he was imposing

He sounds like a lovely friend and his message was so carefully worded as to hope he wasn't offending you. I think you are lucky to have someone like this in your lives.

Yabu! He sounds lovely.

Originally I thought it was nice. But then as someone said it does sound more of a try for a lads night. Hence why you didn't know a thing and he should have deffo discussed this with you. What about family? Friends he doesn't know?

I think it sounds like he just didn't properly think (and probably like he just went ahead and organised what he would like for his birthday - is he single?). I think he maybe panicked about no one being at the pub on Saturday with such short notice and so went into rallying mode. I would guess that he took your husband's phone call as a sign that you two weren't doing anything special. That message definitely shows he knows he's messed it up and should have coordinated with you in the first place. He should have stopped and thought but I think dealing graciously with it - as you have - is definitely the right response.

You should treat Prick as your party elf. Give him lots of jobs to do, change his plans (what sort of cake? Oh no, get a coconut banana layer cake, it's DH's fav), volunteer him to collect aged aunties and arrange the post-party clean up.

My DH's best mate has organised DH's birthday quite a few times, I think it's nice, especially as he is a lot better at making birthday cakes than me. But, he does always text me something like 'hey, thinking bday drinks at this time and date, does that work for you?' I'd find it a bit weird if he didn't let me know.

I agree that not letting you know is definitely weird and annoying. It's lovely for a friend to sort out a birthday surprise but not to include their partner in the idea, even just to let them know, isn't really on.

I think for next year, you should definitely go away somewhere instead. The meal idea this year is great.