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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is my job, not dh's mates.

293 replies

CatThiefKeith · 16/03/2017 07:28

Dh has been faffing about what he wants to do for his birthday on Saturday for weeks. Yesterday he finally decided he just wanted to go down the local.

He's a bit disappointed because half the pub had already made plans to go to a boxing match, so once he was asleep I sent out a fb invite to loads of our friends saying I knew it was short notice but if they could make it that's where we'd be.

Then I got the following messages from dh's best mate. Who is a twat

Hi ya
As far as Saturday goes we're on the same page
I thought also that xxx would want people to pop in n see him for his birthday so I did the same
Assuming you would be by his side and so he didn't find out I didn't tell you
Hope that's not too imposing ? But just wanted you guys to turn up and people be out for him
Iv sorted a little cake balloons banners but also put a little gentle twist on his decor too
Really hope you don't mind and glad we're both on the same page or wave length x

Is it me or is that overstepping the boundaries a bit?

OP posts:
Ecureuil · 16/03/2017 08:15

I've never invited my friends to DH's birthday stuff (although DH hates birthdays so they're usually low key anyway) and DH wouldn't invite his mates if he was arranging something for me. He'd invite my friends and their partners, who he gets on with.

Original poster
CatThiefKeith · 16/03/2017 08:21

Dh and I have a large group of male and female friends. It appears, but I can't be sure, that his mate, let's call him Prick, (not his real name) has only invited the male aspect. It's getting weirder by the minute.

Apparently a different mate has also sent invites out to 'dh's 40th'. Except he will actually by 32. Wtf is going on?

OP posts:
BowiesJumper · 16/03/2017 08:26

Weird- why would he not tell you and discuss the cake etc? Why would he assume you hadn't done all that? Does he not like you? I would assume it was to make me look bad in that situation!
And why has this other mate got involved?

Forager · 16/03/2017 08:27

Curiouser and curiouser.

I think your husband had an all male party thing organised for himself and it all unravelled when you sent out your own invite without his knowledge, and now they're all running around trying to cover up.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 16/03/2017 08:27

It would've been nice to mention it to you at least, purely because you might have changed your minds and gone out for dinner, or you could've been planning something special he didn't know about. YANBU I think.

BTW, how is the bunny?

Original poster
CatThiefKeith · 16/03/2017 08:28

Text from a friend below:

Again I was wondering what was going on! Steve sent out invite for xxx surprise 40th drinks on Saturday he sent it a couple hours before yours. 'Prick' just commented on that invite to keep it a secret so I assumed it was from both if them. Then I got yours and thought wtf!!

Off to do the school run and investigate further.

I have texted 'Prick' thanking him for all his hard work though, cos am not totally unreasonable!

OP posts:
MrsRhubarb · 16/03/2017 08:33

It's really lovely of his mate, but he should definitely have said something to you. What if you'd made other plans for just you and your DH, or with family. Perhaps just mention it to him when you see him, how much you appreciate what he has done but perhaps let you know too in future so you don't make other plans that would spoil his.

MrsRhubarb · 16/03/2017 08:34

Okay, just seen the more recent comments, now it's starting to be weird!

LoudestRoar · 16/03/2017 08:37

Although it's nice that this friend has tried to organise something, if he is anything like my dh's friend, it's more of an attempt at controlling his birthday. Dh's friend would do this, and because he'd organise it, felt he had the right to tell us when we could leave, and how much we had to drink etc. This doesn't happen now though, as we just left when we'd had enough, despite his protests....

Cantseethewoods · 16/03/2017 08:42

The 40th thing is a standard thing at DH's work- they think its totes hilaire to give someone who's way younger than that a 40th cake, put it on trader chat and have everyone say "happy 40th" to them all day.

WateryTart · 16/03/2017 08:44

I think your husband had an all male party thing organised for himself and it all unravelled when you sent out your own invite without his knowledge, and now they're all running around trying to cover up.

I think this is the answer.

notapizzaeater · 16/03/2017 08:48

Agree with the above - perhaps he presumed you'd be spending it with your dsis and it's now backfired

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 16/03/2017 08:51

The plot thickens! Hmm, very interesting.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 16/03/2017 08:53

You are sure your DH isn't 40? Wink

Original poster
CatThiefKeith · 16/03/2017 08:55

I'm fairly confident dh knows nothing about it. Up until a few days ago he thought about going to the boxing, despite having no interest in it.

I've just seen the other invite on the school run. Loads of people we barely know, and no sign of any of dh's long standing friends that he has known for longer than Prick.

He is weirdly territorial about dh, and I am starting to think that this is an attempt to pull off some kind of coup.

I have left my event up and written this:

Apologies to those of you that have received more than one invite. I wasn't aware 'Prick' had also created an event. Since not all of you are on Kirks friends list though it makes sense to leave them both up.

Hope to see lots of you Saturday, CTK.x

OP posts:
gamerchick · 16/03/2017 08:57

Sounds like he wasn't intending to invite you at all.

Still it's done now. Hope your bloke has a fab night.

WateryTart · 16/03/2017 08:59

Good response but maybe you should have emphasised that you weren't on Prick's invitation list.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/03/2017 09:00

Sounds really nice, would save me having to do it. Your dh is not a posession who you own. You sound a bit overbearing.

TheFifthKey · 16/03/2017 09:03

I think it's weird of him actually, and obviously other people who know you can see it. A sort of jockeying for power thing.

Original poster
CatThiefKeith · 16/03/2017 09:03

Of course he's not a possession, what an odd thing to say.

Would you organise a surprise party for your best friend and not invite her husband then? Because if so we have very different ideas about what being overbearing means....

OP posts:
WhoKn0wsWhereTheTimeG0es · 16/03/2017 09:04

Do you normally go to the pub with him? If so it's a bit odd to have not mentioned it to you. On the other hand if he usually goes by himself then it's reasonable enough. Will your DH mind the fuss though? Some friends did similar to me once, and although I appreciated the thought and effort, I didn't actually want such a fuss made of me, just to spend the evening with friends.

LaContessaDiPlump · 16/03/2017 09:04

I think your DH is lucky to have two people in his life who want to organise a party for him! I can see why you'd find it odd that his friend didn't mention anything to you though - he might want a boy's night out but running it past you to ensure no double-booking would be courteous at the very least...

Original poster
CatThiefKeith · 16/03/2017 09:05

The only time dh goes to the pub on his own is if he is dj'ing there, which is once or twice a month. The rest of the time we go together.

OP posts:
APlaceOnTheCouch · 16/03/2017 09:06

Your message includes a name. If it's a real name you might want to ask MN to edit or delete it.

5moreminutes · 16/03/2017 09:08

What does I've"also put a little gentle twist on his decor" mean? Confused

Just leave your invite up so all his older friends are also invited - as it's just in a pub(lic house) there is no reason at all nor to invite more people, and then there needn't be a feeling one person has taken over.

What is it about your DH that makes this mate territorial about him? That sounds odd, is he so important to the group of newer friends somehow? Even if they wanted a boy's night you'd expect them to invite his other male friends, given its clashing with another event for some of them...

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