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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who IBU - weekend activity clash

169 replies

KanyesVest · 15/03/2017 13:47

Dh and I are having an argument about activities on Sunday morning.

Dh's position: there is a coding club at dd's school which we would both like her to attend and which she would like to go to. It is on Sunday at 11am. Dh would like to volunteer as a parent leader at the club. Dh has a personal and professional interested in coding and he could bring a lot to it (and they desperately need volunteers). The club also meets on a mid week evening but too late for dd (finishes at 8.30pm, she's in bed by 7.30) but will suit her in a couple of years. Dd does not have to join the club now (lots of children start it at 9/10, she's 7) and dh could volunteer without her being involved. He says it's the only way he can be involved in her school life (I do 99% drop off/pick up, meetings, etc) There are other branches of the coding club they could attend, on other days/times (eg Saturday pm) but they would not be connected to the school so dh doesn't want to go to one of them.

My position: I go to a church service at 10.30 on Sunday morning and I bring the children with me. I have been attending for about 8 years. Dh chooses not to come but he did fully agree to having the dc welcomed into the church as babies and that we would go to services as a family. I am involved in the Sunday school and the children go to this while the service is on. The church I attend has only one service each week. There is no other option, it's this service or none. Dd always complains about coming but enjoys it when she's there. I admit to being sporadic in my attendance at times, but I probably average twice a month over the year.

The dilemma: which activity will dd go to? I suggested an every second week attendance at each, but the coding club has a huge waiting list and it wouldn't be fair for dd not to fully use her place, which I totally understand. I have also suggested they attend a different club but dh wants some sort of school engagement for himself. I suggested that there are plenty of other volunteer vacancies in the school if he's that keen to be involved but he isn't interested in doing anything else at the school.

So, who's being unreasonable? And who wins, god or the machine?

OP posts:
manicinsomniac · 15/03/2017 19:38

KanyesVest Ah, I see; thanks. I thought you meant any church, not a particular denomination. That makes more sense.

Sisinisawa · 15/03/2017 19:38

Church.

You go regularly and have done so for years. Your oh doesn't get to just change that because he wants to.

If it were a club you went to the majority of the answers would say yanbu. It's only because it's church people are saying you are. But you're not.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 15/03/2017 20:05

I wonder if your DD might well not enjoy it quite as much if she's two years younger than most of the other kids there. Our DD is 7yo and although she loves coding, I'm not sure she'd be able to work at the same level that 9 and 10 year olds would be working at and therefore I'm not sure she'd be interacting with those children at a club. I think our DD would enjoy it more being the same age as the other children there but I wouldn't stop her going at 7yo, but would be ready for a bit of disappointment and possible restart later on. Would your DH be happy if DD didn't enjoy it as much as expected and she wanted to stop going?

As a church going family, I would find this choice really hard to make. However I would want to support DH getting involved in the school so would chat to him about DD starting on Sundays but moving to midweek in a year when she would hopefully cope better with one late night a week. I'd also therefore try to get to church more in the holidays in the short term too. Also as your DD gets older, is there a church youth group she could join. It's a nice way of keeping that contact with church in a low key way, enabling her to explore her faith but not on a Sunday. Just a thought.

drspouse · 15/03/2017 21:01

Going to go against the majority and say church.
Coding club is on multiple times.
DH can volunteer without DD at another time if he wants to do it at her school, or they can go together to another one for the moment.
Sunday School won't be on in the holidays either and she doesn't need to start coding for her career at 7.

golfbuggy · 15/03/2017 21:06

Am I the only one thinking that a 7 year old is unlikely to get a lot out of coding club and it might be better left until she is older? I'm actually wondering if she wants to go purely to please her dad ...

cantthinkofausernamerightnow · 15/03/2017 21:10

Am I the only one thinking that a 7 year old is unlikely to get a lot out of coding club and it might be better left until she is older? I'm actually wondering if she wants to go purely to please her dad ...the
That is a good point and I might be inclined to agree with you, except I don't know what a coding club is Blush except it does sound a little dull.

ThePiglet59 · 17/03/2017 17:17

Ah, science versus superstition.
That old battle.

crazywriter · 22/03/2017 03:00

Am I the only one thinking that a 7 year old is unlikely to get a lot out of coding club and it might be better left until she is older? I'm actually wondering if she wants to go purely to please her dad ...

Depends on the child. I was genuinely interested in computers and coding at this age. I loved sitting with my dad and watching him and pick up skills. This was when computers were big and it was rather technical too. They were the shiny new object in our house so that may have had something to do with it. I'll never know.

That is a good point and I might be inclined to agree with you, except I don't know what a coding club is blush except it does sound a little dull.

I'd be taking a guess at learning computer code. There are a few languages to learn although HTML is one of the easiest and still widely used. Something that a 7 year old would be able to pick up. Initially it sounds boring until you see what you create with the code. My sister finds it boring, my husband hates how picky it can be, I love it!

Italiangreyhound · 22/03/2017 03:33

Church, of course. Religion is important to some people and if you are one of those people then go with it.

Your dd will make her own mind up soon enough if she wants 'religion'/God in her life or not, this time is vital for her to understand it more and for you and her to be together.

Your husband is being unreasonable.

Your dd can do coding at home with dad whenever she wants to
(it sounds deadly boring to me but anyway....)

She can join the evening club when she is a bit older

or you could even suggest your dh start a coding club on Saturdays at the school. As they are keen for volunteers and there is a long waiting list I think this would work well, has this already been suggested?

You have a faith which is important to you and which you want to share with your dd. Your husband should not get in the way of that.

The Sunday school or Sunday club won't happen in the holidays, most likely, so going to church in hols will be different from their regular times.

SuperBeagle · 22/03/2017 03:43

YABU.

You've admitted your DD doesn't like going to church, even though she "enjoys it while there". There are a lot of things in life I hate doing, but which aren't as bad in the moment. It doesn't mean that I enjoy doing them.

But I don't agree with indoctrinating children into religions anyway, so I'd pick virtually anything over taking them to church.

SuperBeagle · 22/03/2017 03:53

You go regularly and have done so for years. Your oh doesn't get to just change that because he wants to.

And the OP can still go to church, but the DD doesn't have to go with her. The DD gets the choice here, and the OP has admitted that she's not that keen on church and would choose coding.

BoomBoomsCousin · 22/03/2017 04:11

I think it should be up to your DD which she goes to. Since you have been a bit flakey about attending church with her anyway I don't think you have any kind of moral position about it being a really important thing that you do with her that some how trumps your DH's desire to do something with her.

IAmNotAWitch · 22/03/2017 04:49

Coding.

BusyBeez99 · 22/03/2017 04:59

Coding

Can't she just say a prayer at home on a Sunday instead?

KateDaniels2 · 22/03/2017 05:24

Coding club would be better imo.

I was brought up catholic, church every week, catholic education. I dont consider myself catholic anymore.

You dont need church to find yourself spiritually and i believe that if people are interestes in religion they will come to it in their own time.

I dont believe kids need church but i do think coding will be a great skill for her in later life.

emmyrose2000 · 22/03/2017 05:53

Coding. No brainer. It's a useful skill to have. Can't say that for going to church.

Forcing religion on anyone, let alone a young child, is absolutely abhorrent IMO.

nooka · 22/03/2017 05:54

I don't think either church or coding are needed for a 7 year old. Coding is a useful skill but she has years to gain it. I attended church every week (and my parents would prioritise church always) and it gained me only the skill of daydreaming during sermons/other boring speeches whilst looking as if I was vaguely paying attention.

To me this is more about fathers and mothers sharing their interest/passion. Both are being inflexible, the mother for only considering one church, the father only one session. Both have good reasons for their preferences and it doesn't look like there is a compromise really, which leaves only the wishes of the child as the decider.

Teaguzzler · 22/03/2017 05:59

For those suggesting coding is boring and unnecessary for a 7 year old, it is now a big part of the computing curriculum at primary level and in my experience is hugely popular with children. It often involves creating computer games and they love it.

Definitely coding club over church.

SharkBastard · 22/03/2017 06:14

"You have a faith which is important to you and which you want to share with your dd. Your husband should not get in the way of that."

Thing is, yes the mother has faith, why should that then be imposed on anyone other than herself? Sorry but life skills and education trump faith.

Faith is personal, keep that shit to yourself and stop dragging reluctant others to it.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/03/2017 06:23

I don't know what country you live in OP but I like the sound of it as an atheist. Millions of coding clubs every day of the week but only one church service a week in the whole country Wink

Seriously though, coding club wins for me

ShelaghTurner · 22/03/2017 06:55

Interesting that all the responses back up the coding (which in all honesty sounds purely for your DH's benefit) rather than church which sounds purely for your benefit. I wonder what the responses would have been if your option had been karate or badminton?

Whatever, I'd go with whatever your dd prefers although she does sound a little young for it unless she's madly interested in it. Personally church would win but we're Catholic so have a choice of services.

2ndSopranos · 22/03/2017 07:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 22/03/2017 07:01

Please don't force her to go to church, let her choose if she wants to go or not.

I was made to attend church as a child, and was so resentful of it that I am overwhelmingly anti-church now and my relationship with my parents is very strained.

rollonthesummer · 22/03/2017 07:05

For those suggesting coding is boring and unnecessary for a 7 year old, it is now a big part of the computing curriculum at primary level and in my experience is hugely popular with children. It often involves creating computer games and they love it.

This x 100.

Many of those of you telling her to go to church don't seem to know what coding actually is?!

5moreminutes · 22/03/2017 07:08

Exactly as whatthefreak says - my experience was identical. At 7 I just complained but by 13 it was the source of huge conflict between my parents and I (worse because they were a united front and my mother uses crying to emotionally blackmail and wasn't above doing that to a child). I only got to stop going when I staged a silent sit down protest during the service and refused to stand or kneel or go up for communion, and my younger siblings copied and people looked ...

Your DD is old enough to choose whether to go to church or coding - let her choose.