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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who IBU - weekend activity clash

169 replies

KanyesVest · 15/03/2017 13:47

Dh and I are having an argument about activities on Sunday morning.

Dh's position: there is a coding club at dd's school which we would both like her to attend and which she would like to go to. It is on Sunday at 11am. Dh would like to volunteer as a parent leader at the club. Dh has a personal and professional interested in coding and he could bring a lot to it (and they desperately need volunteers). The club also meets on a mid week evening but too late for dd (finishes at 8.30pm, she's in bed by 7.30) but will suit her in a couple of years. Dd does not have to join the club now (lots of children start it at 9/10, she's 7) and dh could volunteer without her being involved. He says it's the only way he can be involved in her school life (I do 99% drop off/pick up, meetings, etc) There are other branches of the coding club they could attend, on other days/times (eg Saturday pm) but they would not be connected to the school so dh doesn't want to go to one of them.

My position: I go to a church service at 10.30 on Sunday morning and I bring the children with me. I have been attending for about 8 years. Dh chooses not to come but he did fully agree to having the dc welcomed into the church as babies and that we would go to services as a family. I am involved in the Sunday school and the children go to this while the service is on. The church I attend has only one service each week. There is no other option, it's this service or none. Dd always complains about coming but enjoys it when she's there. I admit to being sporadic in my attendance at times, but I probably average twice a month over the year.

The dilemma: which activity will dd go to? I suggested an every second week attendance at each, but the coding club has a huge waiting list and it wouldn't be fair for dd not to fully use her place, which I totally understand. I have also suggested they attend a different club but dh wants some sort of school engagement for himself. I suggested that there are plenty of other volunteer vacancies in the school if he's that keen to be involved but he isn't interested in doing anything else at the school.

So, who's being unreasonable? And who wins, god or the machine?

OP posts:
GreyStars · 15/03/2017 16:37

Is the coding every week and church once a month? I'm making this assumption

Surely there must be a compromise somewhere...

Can your DD do church every other month? Your husband can still help out at the school? Missing one class in eight or even 12 (especially with school hols) might work as a reasonable compromise. You might even find the clashes not that bad.

I am not religious at all, but if it's something important to you, and coding is something important to your husband and DD then missing 2 church sessions and one coding session in three months would seem a reasonable compromise to me. Maybe not as much as you would like but it is still there, or you could say the very special events must be attended and out of school holiday but coding wins if it is the more regular activity.

I don't see that he has to be one or the other given the fact church is once a month.

WatchingFromTheWings · 15/03/2017 16:39

it's important to me that my children are part of it too

What about what the DC want? Religion shouldn't be forced on them.

GreyStars · 15/03/2017 16:39

But the DH wants to be involved, on the Sunday, and the OP has already said her DD is unable to stay up as late during the week - so the Sunday is the only option really.

The week night is a red herring

Original poster
KanyesVest · 15/03/2017 17:23

Mummyoflittledragon, thanks.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 15/03/2017 17:33

What does your daughter want? You seem to be ignoring that side of things

crazywriter · 15/03/2017 18:12

Coding club.

8 say this as a church goer and my kids come with me. If there was a club for my DDs on a Sunday morning instead that they were genuinely interested in or it could help them (coding will do) then I'd support the club attendance.

I've always had the agreement with my DH (although he comes to church now and the agreement was before) that if either DD didn't want to go to church then they wouldn't have to. A reason like wanting to go to a school club and have dad involved like that is a very good reason not to go to church.

MrsTarzan1 · 15/03/2017 18:15

Coding club.

Coding is a club for her, whereas church is something nice to do but not essentially for her

2014newme · 15/03/2017 18:19

Coding.
Church in the hols.
Don't be selfish.

DaphneDeLaFontaine · 15/03/2017 18:29

Coding club. It's a no brainer. Your DH deserves to be involved with your DDs school if he to.

And I went to Sunday school at church and it was shit. When we got the teenage years, everyone was sex mad too ShockGrin

FourEyesGood · 15/03/2017 18:40

Coding club.

If she wants to attend church when she's older, she will.

alfagirl73 · 15/03/2017 18:40

Coding club definitely. Spending time with her father in an educational activity that will help her future is more important than attending church when she is too young to really understand what she is being told to believe. But then I'm an atheist and am strongly against any child being forced to go to church, which in my opinion, is something for adults to participate in IF they decide for themselves that they believe in god and wish to pursue religion actively for themselves. Religion is, in my opinion, something that should never under any circumstances be forced on another person. There is plenty time for your daughter to decide for herself as an educated adult if religion is for her.

RandomMess · 15/03/2017 18:47

He could volunteer on the Sunday AND take DD to a different coding club at another time without volunteering there - shock horror he could compromise!

manicinsomniac · 15/03/2017 18:48

I'd be picking church personally but I'm biased because coding is possibly the least interesting thing to me out of all the possible activities in the world! Grin

I'm so curious though - your next nearest church is 150km away and some weeks there's only one church service in the whole country ... where do you live?!

witsender · 15/03/2017 18:51

Why wouldn't you just ask her? Is it cause you think she will say coding? Neither of you should be bickering over who gets to take her...She isn't a possession!

sirfredfredgeorge · 15/03/2017 18:56

It's DD's choice, not yours, or your DH's, both of you are willing to facillitate something for her that she wants to do, she has to choose which.

I assume you're pretty confident she'd not choose church?

MuchasSmoochas · 15/03/2017 18:56

This shouldn't be a religion debate IMO. I was dragged to church but I don't resent it. I'm not a believer, but this is your bag, and your DH should understand that your DD isn't available on Sunday mornings because she is doing something which is important to you.

Original poster
KanyesVest · 15/03/2017 19:06

Dd will choose whatever her dad is doing. She is his shadow Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
KanyesVest · 15/03/2017 19:07

manicinsomniac, we are littered with churches round these parts, just not the ones I want to go to.

OP posts:
Purplepicnic · 15/03/2017 19:17

Don't forget there's a reasonable chance she'll get bored of coding club after a while and not want to go, then all this will go away!

Nquartz · 15/03/2017 19:19

I still don't understand why this is so difficult. There are women on here constantly with DHs who don't pull their weight, don't want to do anything with their DC yet you are making it really tricky for yours to do something with your DD that she wants to do too.
Forcing her to go to church at the expense of coding club wont make her happy in the long run

Trifleorbust · 15/03/2017 19:21

Against the general grain here: church is important to you and by extension to your family life. There are other coding clubs but no other church services. Unless she has a strong preference, I would keep taking her to church.

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 15/03/2017 19:25

It sounds like this will only be a problem for a short while. As soon as dd is old enough, she can go to the midweek session. Also, she may not like the club and want to drop it quickly.

I'd do coding termtime now and church in the holidays and for major events. Give it 6 months and you may be looking at a totally different scenario.

cantthinkofausernamerightnow · 15/03/2017 19:25

Coding wins
Because she wants to go.

Leeds2 · 15/03/2017 19:26

I too would choose coding club. I think it is great that her dad wants to do it with her, as a shared activity and as part of school life. As others have said, she can go to church during coding club holidays (which I am assuming are similar to school holidays), or maybe join up with another activity offered by the church during the week. Brownies, or similar?

Welshmaenad · 15/03/2017 19:28

Coding club.

Attending one singular denomination won't teach her 'about the spiritual side of herself', it will just teach her the dogma of that religion. Which isn't really valuable IMO. Secular schools still teach RE.