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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who IBU - weekend activity clash

169 replies

KanyesVest · 15/03/2017 13:47

Dh and I are having an argument about activities on Sunday morning.

Dh's position: there is a coding club at dd's school which we would both like her to attend and which she would like to go to. It is on Sunday at 11am. Dh would like to volunteer as a parent leader at the club. Dh has a personal and professional interested in coding and he could bring a lot to it (and they desperately need volunteers). The club also meets on a mid week evening but too late for dd (finishes at 8.30pm, she's in bed by 7.30) but will suit her in a couple of years. Dd does not have to join the club now (lots of children start it at 9/10, she's 7) and dh could volunteer without her being involved. He says it's the only way he can be involved in her school life (I do 99% drop off/pick up, meetings, etc) There are other branches of the coding club they could attend, on other days/times (eg Saturday pm) but they would not be connected to the school so dh doesn't want to go to one of them.

My position: I go to a church service at 10.30 on Sunday morning and I bring the children with me. I have been attending for about 8 years. Dh chooses not to come but he did fully agree to having the dc welcomed into the church as babies and that we would go to services as a family. I am involved in the Sunday school and the children go to this while the service is on. The church I attend has only one service each week. There is no other option, it's this service or none. Dd always complains about coming but enjoys it when she's there. I admit to being sporadic in my attendance at times, but I probably average twice a month over the year.

The dilemma: which activity will dd go to? I suggested an every second week attendance at each, but the coding club has a huge waiting list and it wouldn't be fair for dd not to fully use her place, which I totally understand. I have also suggested they attend a different club but dh wants some sort of school engagement for himself. I suggested that there are plenty of other volunteer vacancies in the school if he's that keen to be involved but he isn't interested in doing anything else at the school.

So, who's being unreasonable? And who wins, god or the machine?

OP posts:
acquiescence · 15/03/2017 15:37

What the hell is coding club?!

CountryCaterpillar · 15/03/2017 15:37

If my kids complained about the activities regularly we wouldn't do them!! Except swimming, I want them to get to a reasonable level, but even that I've changed centres /instructors if they weren't happy.

Ride · 15/03/2017 15:42

Coding= computer programming

Original poster
KanyesVest · 15/03/2017 15:49

She's perfectly happy when we get there, she just never wants to leave the house!

OP posts:
APlaceOnTheCouch · 15/03/2017 15:53

But God did make coding club another time. It's just your DH has a preference for the one that clashes.
I'd get DH to take her to one of the other coding clubs. Then DD gets to enjoy church and coding. Win/win.

witsender · 15/03/2017 15:53

Which would she rather do? Surely it is her decision?

Allthebestnamesareused · 15/03/2017 15:55

It is kind of funny that you've come on to ask us all and pretty much everyone has said coding apparently even God and Jesus but you are still looking for ways to make it work. Hmm It works by DH and DD going to coding and you going to church. DD then comes to church when there is no coding class and presumably for whichever holidays you celebrate in church.

zukiecat · 15/03/2017 15:57

I would say Coding even though I don't know what a Coding Club is, the church sounds more for you than for DD

She has plenty of time to find her path, whether it be to the church or any other/no religion

I'm Pagan, but I have never expected my DC to follow that path, now young adults they have never been to a Moot with me, and that's fine,

Gazelda · 15/03/2017 15:57

Coding Club, with church during school hols.

Or would you rather insist that she goes to church with you, and miss out on an activity she wants to do,with her DF.

Although to an extent it depends on when/where/how convenient the other coding groups are. But would she be as keen to go to these if her dad isn't volunteering and her school friends aren't there?

I'm afraid it definitely reads as s is about your desire for her to go to church, rather than hers or what she wants. Surely she can have a bit of both?

Ride · 15/03/2017 15:57

I do think that God would prefer your DH to help at school and spend time with DD at same time. If he would prefer she come and worship him then he's probably not worth it IMO. Wink

viques · 15/03/2017 15:58

Coding, lovely opportunity for your dd to do something special with her dad. As you say, you get to do the other school related things during the week.

diddl · 15/03/2017 16:00

" it's important to me that my children are part of it too."

But what does your husband & your daughter think-is it also important to them?

I think coding club.

AmysTiara · 15/03/2017 16:03

Dd goes to coding club and you go to church is the obvious solution.

Seeing as you don't go to church every week i don't think it's fair for dd to miss out on coding club

Dizzy199 · 15/03/2017 16:05

Can you just not ask her which she wants to do? If you make her go to something she doesn't want to she will just resent it and not get any benefit from it.

Hersetta427 · 15/03/2017 16:07

Coding (which I have to admit that I don't know what this is). Going to church is not an 'activity' as such.

Sirzy · 15/03/2017 16:10

It isn't about what you want her to do, or what your DH wants her to do - what does SHE want to do!?

PuppyMonkey · 15/03/2017 16:14

School clubs and church on Sunday mornings, what foul depravity is this? Grin

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 15/03/2017 16:15

Doesn't your Church do any community activities at all? Volunteering/fundraising/community outreach? Just about every Church I know is involved in the community in some way other than just gathering together to worship once a week.

It's worth making enquiries to find out, as it would be a nice way for your DD to learn that you aren't only 'religious' by turning up to a Church service. It would also allow her to go to Coding club on a Sunday - and then as PP have said, go to services with you in the school holidays.

Nearlyadoctor · 15/03/2017 16:19

I'm another vote for coding as it's sounds like that's what your Dd wants to do. It's also great that your husband is keen to be involved.
I'm sorry but your church ' I want my children to be involved' comes across as selfish unless they want to go.
I would let your Dd decide, and if you husband is happy to do the evening one as well, in another 12 months or so and your daughter can join that too. She may then decide to do church more frequently again on a Sunday .

Sirzy · 15/03/2017 16:20

Another point but forcing children to attend church as a child when they don't want to is probably one of the best ways to push them away from church for life when they get older.

From an age a child can show a preference then it should be their choice.

MetalMidget · 15/03/2017 16:21

Another vote for coding club - it's a hugely useful skill, and a field where women are currently underrepresented. Need to get girls into it early!

Original poster
KanyesVest · 15/03/2017 16:21

Actually, Allthebestnamesareused, I haven't said a word about how it might be possible to make it work so we are all happy. Since dh is so keen to be involved in the school and the waiting list is so long, maybe there's an opportunity to set up another group at the school. I'd be happy to help dh see if it would be feasible. Another is to change when we travel when we go away (eg go to visit my sister on Friday night/Saturday instead of Saturday/Sunday as we do currently), thereby making more use of the holidays to go to church as others have suggested. I don't know if these ideas are remotely possible, but like I said, I'll see if there is another way to work it out. Happy?

OP posts:
Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 15/03/2017 16:29

Another point but forcing children to attend church as a child when they don't want to is probably one of the best ways to push them away from church for life when they get older.
I was just going to say exactly that- especially if they end up missing something else they would prefer to do.

CPtart · 15/03/2017 16:34

Coding club. Far more socially advantageous to mixing with/making a wide circle of friends her own age surely, which is so so important, especially as she gets older. Particularly as you say she never wants to leave the house.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/03/2017 16:34

I don't attend church. However it seems to me that there are other possibilities for doing coding on other days. The only reason you dh wants her to attend this particular Sunday club is because it's attached to school. Surely as a parent, the most important thing to be doing is spending time with your child irrespective of the activity or affiliation. I would be darn right annoyed if my dh was trying to step on my toes when there are perfectly good alternatives. I'd be telling him you are happy for him to get involved in the weekday and Sunday clubs and let him take her to the Saturday one. Then in a couple of years, dd can go to the midweek one with him. If your dh takes her to the Sunday class without trying the alternative first, he's being vu for no reason. Your dd and dh may love the Saturday class.

And in response to those posters saying it's all about you op, I feel the same way about your dh. There is always a way to compromise.