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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who IBU - weekend activity clash

169 replies

KanyesVest · 15/03/2017 13:47

Dh and I are having an argument about activities on Sunday morning.

Dh's position: there is a coding club at dd's school which we would both like her to attend and which she would like to go to. It is on Sunday at 11am. Dh would like to volunteer as a parent leader at the club. Dh has a personal and professional interested in coding and he could bring a lot to it (and they desperately need volunteers). The club also meets on a mid week evening but too late for dd (finishes at 8.30pm, she's in bed by 7.30) but will suit her in a couple of years. Dd does not have to join the club now (lots of children start it at 9/10, she's 7) and dh could volunteer without her being involved. He says it's the only way he can be involved in her school life (I do 99% drop off/pick up, meetings, etc) There are other branches of the coding club they could attend, on other days/times (eg Saturday pm) but they would not be connected to the school so dh doesn't want to go to one of them.

My position: I go to a church service at 10.30 on Sunday morning and I bring the children with me. I have been attending for about 8 years. Dh chooses not to come but he did fully agree to having the dc welcomed into the church as babies and that we would go to services as a family. I am involved in the Sunday school and the children go to this while the service is on. The church I attend has only one service each week. There is no other option, it's this service or none. Dd always complains about coming but enjoys it when she's there. I admit to being sporadic in my attendance at times, but I probably average twice a month over the year.

The dilemma: which activity will dd go to? I suggested an every second week attendance at each, but the coding club has a huge waiting list and it wouldn't be fair for dd not to fully use her place, which I totally understand. I have also suggested they attend a different club but dh wants some sort of school engagement for himself. I suggested that there are plenty of other volunteer vacancies in the school if he's that keen to be involved but he isn't interested in doing anything else at the school.

So, who's being unreasonable? And who wins, god or the machine?

OP posts:
Saltedcaramel2016 · 15/03/2017 14:09

Why doesn't your husband take her to code club when it is on and then your daughter can come to church with you when it's not on. You said your attendance was sporadic anyway so I don't see how you can stop her going to code club then not bother with church some weeks anyway.

Or you husband does code club in the week and she stays up later one day a week.

PatriciaHolm · 15/03/2017 14:12

Coding. Church will be there on tap for the rest of her life if she wants it. And plenty of kids learn to recognise their spiritual side/grow up to lead moral lives without going to church every week.

A good non denominational school should teach that in RE/PSHE as well.

Looneytune253 · 15/03/2017 14:14

Am i missing something. Why cant dd just go with dh and you go to church as normal? Especially if shes not that bothered by church.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 15/03/2017 14:17

DrunkenMissOrderly hilarious!!

Coding for me too. I think the fact you admit to only going half the time yourself shows you aren't all the interested/invested in it yourself. I think it would be a lovely thing for them to do together too, ask your dd and let her decide

Original poster
KanyesVest · 15/03/2017 14:19

At the moment dd definitely couldn't cope with the late evening class, she's up at 6 no matter what time she goes to bed and she needs her sleep.

Being part of the church community is important to me and it's important to me that my children are part of it too. I know it's not important to many (most?) these days so my take on it may be less common which is why I sought other views. We'll have to see if we can find another way of making thing work for all of us.

OP posts:
BadTasteFlump · 15/03/2017 14:25

Coding 100% wins for me.

But I am biased as I am strongly against indoctrinating children into any kind of religious activity.

RupertsMum2 · 15/03/2017 14:36

I can understand that being part of the church community is important to you but, for me, it's your sporadic attendance that makes the difference. If you went to church every week without fail and this was what was done on a Sunday morning and all your dd knew then this would be a huge part of her life and I wouldn't want to change that. However as you only go "sporadically" i.e: if you're up in time, can be bothered, not had a better offer or whatever then it doesn't feel like a regular commitment to me and I think she would be better coding with her Dad. It's a great chance for him to be involved with the school.

Mix98 · 15/03/2017 14:37

Coding absolutely. I'm not religious, so I guess I'm biased, and I completely disagree with religion being imposed on any child at a young age. The coding sounds like a brilliant opportunity for her dad to get involved with the school and for them to develop a common interest together, and I don't see how a child could understand religion in a way that would benefit them at a young age. As has been mentioned, she can still be part of the community on an occasional basis, and has plenty of time to go to church when she's older (if she wants to). Surely it would be better for her to go to church of her own will and accord? For now, let her get involved in an interesting activity with her dad.

Beachedwh4le · 15/03/2017 14:38

Coding, and you and DD explore her spiritual/religious side in other ways/other days.

The relationship with God isn't fixed to the structure of a church building, worship doesn't need to be limited to church services, you have the freedom to engage in meaningful worship with Dd at any time Smile

CountryCaterpillar · 15/03/2017 14:40

Kayne - you can still go to church though can't you? Every week if you wish. And your daughter can still do easter/Christmas/ch urch picnic so us part of the family by extension. I really find it hard to see why you wouldn't let her.

PurpleMinionMummy · 15/03/2017 14:41

I think it's your dds choice to make.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 15/03/2017 14:42

I believe that religion should be something a person finds for themselves once they are old enough to do so.

Therefore I would chose coding club.

I grew up in a church-going family. My grandfather was a senior member of the clergy & my dad was a theology expert. That said, I would say that my mum had the deepest, least questioning, belief out of the pair of them. I'm sure my parents thought they were doing the right thing making me go to church, Sunday school, confirmation classes etc. etc. All I remember learning is a higher level of guilt complex (Jesus is watching you, God will know etc.)

I have no issue with any adult who wishes to practice or follow any religion at all. That is entirely their choice and I appreciate that the church can be very comforting to many people. However, I don't support the pushing of children into religious practice and, to my mind, a child who is reluctant to attend church in the first place is being pushed.

Moreisnnogedag · 15/03/2017 14:51

I'm catholic and attend mass pretty much every week unless at work. I get that it's important but I agree that coding would be better.

user1476185294 · 15/03/2017 15:09

I think coding as an every week thing, with exceptions for special services (eg Easter) but I would of thought that most of the big religious weekend the coding club won't run anyway. Plus school holidays (assuming it's not on).

I understand what you're saying about he could do it another time as there are other sessions, but I think it's like saying I want a sugary milky cup of tea but someone offering me a cup of milky tea and a biscuit... yeah he could get involved in another way with school and do coding another time (like sat pm) but this is two in one and splitting it means more time and something (a different volunteer activity) that he doesn't want.
Plus if he and DD go on sat afternoon, you go to church on sun am that would be too restricting for me with no family days out on a weekend. If he's going to be helping out surely he needs to be there every week?

Will DD be able to join if it's twice a week and she can only go to one session each week, or is the other midweek session a separate class? If so then once she's older she can go to that one and go back to weekly church services.

harderandharder2breathe · 15/03/2017 15:10

What does DD want to do?

Don't make it into mum vs dad. Which activity would she prefer?

Reow · 15/03/2017 15:15

If god wanted her to go to church he would make coding club another time

I love you Drunken

Original poster
KanyesVest · 15/03/2017 15:15

The overwhelming view contrary to my own has been noted, thanks everyone.

And I know its annoying in aibu, but to defend my "sporadic" attendance, when I'm not there it's usually because of work, holidays, visiting family or eg Ds having a rescheduled football match rather than my not being arsed going. If only I was in a more popular congregation I could go more often Grin

OP posts:
Ride · 15/03/2017 15:18

Surely there are other church services at different times or different churches?

Reow · 15/03/2017 15:19

Can you sign her up to something non-denominational to find more about the spiritual side of herself? Yoga?

When she is older she can decide for herself if she wants to go to church, but for now it seems that coding would greatly benefit her and give her a head start on the other kids, also some bonding time with Dad.

rollonthesummer · 15/03/2017 15:24

Coding definitely. It doesn't sound like she wants to go to church anyway. Why should she go to something that you want to do and even you don't go every week!?

Original poster
KanyesVest · 15/03/2017 15:25

Nope, Ride, next nearest church is 150km away and service is only once a month.

OP posts:
Ride · 15/03/2017 15:26

What would Jesus do?
Coding Smile

Oliversmumsarmy · 15/03/2017 15:32

So it is ok to not insist ds goes when his football clashes.

Original poster
KanyesVest · 15/03/2017 15:32

Probably, he was ahead of the curve Wink

And just tangentially, do all 7 year olds go off happily to every activity they do? Dd complains weekly about going to school, swimming, brownies, the library, but always likes it when she gets there. Sunday club is no different.

OP posts:
Original poster
KanyesVest · 15/03/2017 15:36

Ds only has a match on a Sunday 2/3 times a year, depending on weather. We picked a club which is on Saturday for that reason.

OP posts: