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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband has arranged a night out with the lads for his birthday and I'm not invited

85 replies

Perplexed5 · 15/03/2017 01:33

Exactly that. A.I.B.U to be pissed off /hurt about this? He says I would be the only female there, so wouldn't enjoy it. So essentially I am not welcome as it would change the dynamic (lads boozy night out).

As background, he usually goes out one night a week with his mates. They all work in London and are looking to meet after work on a Thursday ( his birthday). He says his birthday is a good excuse to get the guys together, as it's been difficult to get them all together on the same date these days.
He arranged this with his friends without even asking me/ speaking to me about it. His excuse is that birthdays are no big deal and we can go out on Friday or Saturday instead.
So what do the mumsnet jury think? A.I.B.U to think he should have discussed this with me first?

He is now saying he will try move the Thursday boozing to another day, if I am pissed off about it. But he has admitted his first choice is to go out with his friends (without me). But I hardly want to be the consolation prize. It's sort of tainted now.
No children. Husband is turning 37. Together 7 years, married for 2.5yrs.
Your thoughts?

OP posts:

Pallisers · 15/03/2017 01:42

Dunno, my initial reaction was it wouldn't bother me because I might do the same with my female friends. But then thinking about it, I would ask my dh first if he was ok with it or at least say "look XYZ and I are thinking of going to dinner on my birthday - is that ok, we could go out for dinner on Saturday instead.". And would probably suggest he came along for a drink before dinner or something.

BadLad · 15/03/2017 01:51

Wouldn't bother me. My wife and I give each other presents on the day, and celebrate by eating out or drinking nice wine at home on a convenient weekend day before or after the actual birthday if the birthday itself is inconvenient.

shitgibbon · 15/03/2017 01:59

Meh. Have a birthday dinner with him another time. It wouldn't bother me at all, but I'm not a big birthday person for adults.

TealStar · 15/03/2017 02:01

Wouldn't bother me. I expect I've organised a girls night out on my birthday in the past. I would then do something with dh the next night / The nearest weekend night / depending on what day in the week my b'day fell on.

Meowstro · 15/03/2017 02:01

It wouldn't bother me. He doesn't need your permission to go out either, he has told you he is. If it's hard for him to see his friends ask together, why get in the way of that?

Yabu, it's his birthday and he should do what will make him happy this one day at least.

Paninotogo · 15/03/2017 02:03

I don't see the problem. I like going on nights out with my friends, as does my DH. You sound precious and boring.

PussInCoutts · 15/03/2017 02:03

YANBU. I'd be pissed off. I'd feel left out. my dp would never leave me out just because I'm the only female. similarly I'd not leave him out. But we are on the AS spectrum and so maybe different from the usual gender norm compliance.

Butterymuffin · 15/03/2017 02:06

Like Pallisers I would at least expect him to ask me about it before arranging it. Plus if they go out once a week, how can it be 'really difficult' to get them all together? Sounds like they have a lot of time meeting up already.

PageNowFoundFileUnderSpartacus · 15/03/2017 02:13

YANBU to think it would have been courteous for him to mention it before arranging it. It's not unreasonable to expect it to cross someone's mind that their partner might like to spend the evening of their birthday with them. I'm not saying he needed to ask your permission but just to acknowledge that he'd considered it might have an impact on you. If he'd done that and you and he agreed an alternative night at the outset for the two of you to celebrate together, I suspect you'd be feeling less "second fiddle" about it.

buttfacedmiscreant · 15/03/2017 02:34

Would have been nice if he asked if you had something planned but is completely reasonable he wants a guys night out.

Call a friend and go for dinner or watch a movie. Surely there are times when you'd like to see a couple of friends for a girls night out?

SquashedToes · 15/03/2017 02:37

I'd be a slightly hurt he'd rather spend time with his friends than me, but I'd let it go. If he changed his plans because Id' said, I'd not really enjoy the evening so much as I'd know he'd rather be somewhere else.

It would probably be better to be gracious about it and have a nice time together on the weekend.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 15/03/2017 02:46

We hardly ever do our "family" or "couple" birthday celebration on the actual day, usually deferred to the nearest Sat night!

Falafelings · 15/03/2017 03:11

Wouldn't bother me. Mine usually celebrates with friends, then celebrates with me, then we do a family celebration too.

Shouldn't you just ask him when he would like to do a celebration with you? A meal or something. Give him good date suggestions.

Falafelings · 15/03/2017 03:12

Why don't you see your friends when he goes to see his

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/03/2017 03:23

If it is an equal relationship where you make time for each other and also time for yourselves, then no problem and YABU.

However, if you are the wifey at home (regardless of your actual working status) and he puts him and his mates above you on a regular basis then its not ok at all and YANBU.

Only you know which it is.

BoomBoomsCousin · 15/03/2017 04:05

I'd be hurt by this. To me this would indicate a lessening in his affection for me. We've never really had separate friendship groups and it wouldn't really be believable to say that the other would change the dynamic unless one of us was seeing just one or two particularly close friends.

Since it's a mid-week beers-after-work situation I wouldn't necessarily see it as the "real" celebration, but I'd be bothered by his preference to spend time with his mates rather than me. We've always been each other's best mate, so while seeing other friends is important, they've never come first.

Original poster

Perplexed5 · 15/03/2017 09:20

Thanks all. To clarify I'm more bothered that he didn't discuss it with me first (in case I had something in mind / had organised something etc - not for permission), rather than the fact he wants to go out with his mates. Also the fact I am directly excluded from meeting up with them / joining them for a birthday drink.

He typically goes out for a big night with his mates once a week (wed,thurs or Saturday) and usually a few drinks with work mates on a Friday as well. Last big weekday night out with the lads he came home and projectile vomited all over the bedroom wall (including over a loved wall hanging of mine) ,floor,hallway and bathroom. Which I didn't give him a particularly hard time about. So I'm not exactly a precious snowflake as far as time out with his friends.

Just felt it would have been nice to have discussed it with me first. Makes me feel unimportant/ lower priority than his mates. There is a bit of history there, so maybe that's my own issue. Also appreciate first world problem and all that.

OP posts:

Purplebluebird · 15/03/2017 09:23

It wouldn't bother me too much. Perhaps mildly annoyed.

EustaceClarenceScrubb · 15/03/2017 09:25

Is he expecting you to arrange something for him at the weekend though? If so, I wouldn't do anything, on the basis that birthdays are apparently no big deal.

dowhatnow · 15/03/2017 09:25

Yes it's the not running it by you first that's annoying. Convey that to him and ask that he remembers this next time, as will you. It's just basic respect and courtesy.

Oblomov17 · 15/03/2017 09:41

YABVU
I always arrange to go out with the girls for my birthday, in the evening. I go with dh, for a posh lunch.
Works brilliantly.

Oblomov17 · 15/03/2017 09:43

Are you the other thread, yesterday, about that twat who vomited all over the floor and didn't go to work , whilst still under probationary.

1stTimeMama · 15/03/2017 09:45

It's my husbands 40th this year, and when I asked him what he'd like to do for it, going to run with the bulls in Pamplona was the answer. Not 'spend it with you and the children, my love'! To be fair, I'd rather he went out with some friends, than run for his life away from angry bulls!

Original poster

Perplexed5 · 15/03/2017 09:56

oblomov Haha no I'm not the other thread, though I saw it. Apparently I'm not the only one with a husband who has no 'off' button regarding booze. However, my husband was fine to go to work the next day. Unsurprisingly he felt quite a bit better after chunderimg up the entire contents of his stomach .

OP posts:

YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/03/2017 10:00

What happens on your birthday?

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