Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband has arranged a night out with the lads for his birthday and I'm not invited

85 replies

Perplexed5 · 15/03/2017 01:33

Exactly that. A.I.B.U to be pissed off /hurt about this? He says I would be the only female there, so wouldn't enjoy it. So essentially I am not welcome as it would change the dynamic (lads boozy night out).

As background, he usually goes out one night a week with his mates. They all work in London and are looking to meet after work on a Thursday ( his birthday). He says his birthday is a good excuse to get the guys together, as it's been difficult to get them all together on the same date these days.
He arranged this with his friends without even asking me/ speaking to me about it. His excuse is that birthdays are no big deal and we can go out on Friday or Saturday instead.
So what do the mumsnet jury think? A.I.B.U to think he should have discussed this with me first?

He is now saying he will try move the Thursday boozing to another day, if I am pissed off about it. But he has admitted his first choice is to go out with his friends (without me). But I hardly want to be the consolation prize. It's sort of tainted now.
No children. Husband is turning 37. Together 7 years, married for 2.5yrs.
Your thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
Perplexed5 · 15/03/2017 10:00

oblomov do you make plans with the girls first, then tell your DH you are only available for lunch? Or do you run the plan past him first?

OP posts:
RubyWinterstorm · 15/03/2017 10:05

It would be fine with me.

I don't always discuss every outing with DH first.

If his birthday is not a big deal to him, it does not have to be a big deal to you either. Give him a present and a card, and leave him to it.

I get you feel a bit snubbed (esp if you normally make a big fuss over eachother's birthday and prepare something special)

Anyway, to me (married 20 years) this would not be a big deal at all.

Deathraystare · 15/03/2017 10:09

It would have been annoying if you had secretly planned something but at least you know now it is ok to go out with your friends when it is your birthday!

ArcheryAnnie · 15/03/2017 10:10

Him going out on his birthday without me wouldn't bother me. Him arranging it without even mentioning it to me would bother me.

Original poster
Perplexed5 · 15/03/2017 10:14

spartacus birthdays aren't a big deal in our house. Though I must admit personally, if I was having a get together of friends for my birthday I would always want to include my DH. He's my best friend and partner in crime.
I would never make plans to spend it exclusively with other people, without discussing it with him first. Just common courtesy and respect I thought.

OP posts:
Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 15/03/2017 10:14

My and my husband are pretty flexible and wouldn't necessarily run a plan past each other first if an opportunity came up to do something while we were at work, we'd say yes, let the other one know and then rearrange ourselves around that. If you live together you have 6 other days in a week to go out and have a romantic dinner, I can't imagine being with someone so tied into a specific day and specific time.

As for going out with the 'lads', I wouldn't dream of it, especially as I wouldn't want him to come out with me and the girls (middle-aged ladies having a quiet drink, but we still like to go out without men).

Original poster
Perplexed5 · 15/03/2017 10:15

Thank you Annie. That's it in a nutshell.

OP posts:
Doyouwantabrew · 15/03/2017 10:20

paninotogo what a nasty comment.

Op I would be a bit hurt if dh hadn't run it past me first not to ask permission but to check it was ok with my plans that's what normal couples do isn't it?

Still he's done it now and probably didn't think. Go out for a nice meal at a time to suit you both Smile

Doyouwantabrew · 15/03/2017 10:21

Oh x post Annie.

I am sure he just didn't think op if normally he's a nice guy.

Original poster
Perplexed5 · 15/03/2017 10:23

Hi foureyes agree with you entirely usually. Just making a distinction in this instance as its his birthday. To me that makes a difference.

And no I don't actually want to join him and his mates on a boys night out. But when he first mentioned it last night he said " of course you're invited as well". Then when I said ok sure I'll come out (not realising it was a boys only night - occasionally his friends bring partners out as well) , he fessed that he didn't actually want me to come out and wasn't expecting me to say yes Hmm

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 15/03/2017 10:24

Yabu you don't have DC together so I think he's very much entitled to go out with his male friends without you there, he is completely right you can do something on another night. Maybe occassions I've went out with the girls for my birthday and done something else with dh on an different date and the same when he goes out. If it was a man posting about wanting to be tagging along on his wife's girls night out he would be called controlling and unreasonable.

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 15/03/2017 10:25

If he'd mentioned it first, then no, it wouldn't have bothered me. If he'd made the plans without telling me then I'd have been a bit pissed off as I'd usually plan something for his birthday.

Incidentally, there's nothing "precious snowflake" about being annoyed if someone gets so drunk that the vomit all over your home. By the sounds of it your husband is binge-drinking at least once a week (presuming that's what you mean by "big night out"). With the "few drinks" that he has on a Friday as well, I suspect he is drinking a number of units far in excess of what he should. So the one small flag that I would raise at this point, is to ask yourself whether your husband's birthday plans are more about being able to go out and get horrendously drunk and nothing to do with his birthday.

SillyLittleBiscuit · 15/03/2017 10:26

I really wouldn't mind this at all - whilst, I'm sure, he'd be happy for you to join I can imagine why some of the other 'lads' would prefer men only. Book somewhere nice on the Saturday for the two of you.

As an aside, the bull running is really cruel :(

WHAT HAPPENS DURING THE PAMPLONA RUNNING OF THE BULLS?

Each morning many bulls are forced to run a kilometre down the cobblestone streets of the town, chased by cheering participants and spectators. Once released, the bulls are frightened with gun shots, electrocuted with cattle prods and kicked and hit by jeering spectators, often down concrete or cobbled streets which they slip and slide on, occasionally suffering broken legs and other injuries in the process.

The bulls are chased into a holding pen at the bull ring, to await their deaths at the bullfights, during the ‘corrida de toros’ that take place later that evening.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 15/03/2017 10:33

I think some people are fussed about the exact date, so doing something on the day itself, others are of the 'birthday time' mind where doing things in the few days around the birthday is just fine. We often have low key days, so cake and candles and not much else, and do the activities/dinners on days that suit us around that time.

One isn't right or wrong, you just wanted to be important on the day. That wouldn't matter to me, but I would be miffed if he didn't want to do anything with me. I'd definitely expect a 'birthday dinner' as a couple, but wouldn't be fussed if that was bumped to a Sat night so he could go out with the lads on Thurs as it's harder to rearrange lots of people and you have to seize the chance to go out with friends the older you get as it becomes an organizational issue.

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 15/03/2017 10:34

Bull running is horrendously cruel and I sincerely hope that it is banned. The fact that bull fights are still happening is terrible, but the protest movement in Spain is gaining momentum and they are gradually being phased out.

Aderyn2016 · 15/03/2017 10:37

I dont like that he initially said you were welcome, then retracted it when you said okay. I can't put my finger on it, but it feels manipulative and wrong. Dishonest, even.

I would also not be happy about him coming home and upchucking everywhere. Disgusting behaviour and inherently selfish.
He goes out drinking a fair bit, doesn't he? I'm wondering how this generally impacts on your life. If you are planning a family, does he expect to just carry on with his life as it is?
I think I would be a bit hurt that he wamted to spend his birthday with his mates but if birthdays are not a big deal to him then I would try not to be too offended, so long as he recognises your birthday in the way you want.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 15/03/2017 10:38

Eek your second post is a pretty big (though I'm sure unintentional) dripfeed.

Sounds like he goes out a hell of a lot for boozy lads nights already, it's not some special treat, and the outcomes for you are not particularly pleasant. Do you spend any leisure time together? Does his own private leisure time regularly involve chundering over your furnishings? At 37?

In that context I'd be more generally disappointed about what his leisure time amounted to and how far removed from his idea of "fun" I appeared to be, the birthday thing is just a bit of a red herring perhaps.

ChippingInLovesWoollyHugs · 15/03/2017 10:41

I'd be hurt that he would prefer to spend his birthday on a lads night out too.

He goes out for A Big Night with the lads every week. He goes out for works drinks most weeks. He's throwing up after drinking. He wants to spend his birthday getting pissed with the lads...

I'd be getting concerned about his drinking tbh.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/03/2017 10:44

OK - reason I asked was because I was curious to know if you spoiled him and he did not spoil you, etc.

Maybe you both need to talk about a shared policy. Ask first? Do something with friends and something with each other?

I agree he should have chatted it over with you first though.

Yabu you don't have DC together so I think he's very much entitled to go out with his male friends without you there, he is completely right you can do something on another night

Where on Earth does that logic come from?

TheNaze73 · 15/03/2017 10:47

It wouldn't bother me, I'd do something at the weekend instead

MackerelOfFact · 15/03/2017 10:48

Wouldn't bother me at all. It's his birthday, he can do what he likes (unless there is a compelling reason not to).

If I made plans with friends for my birthday I wouldn't expect to have to run them past my OH first!

xStefx · 15/03/2017 10:54

Wouldn't bother me at all, me and DH have been together 7 years and have DC's and we still plan our birthdays with friends first (without running it past each other) and do a family thing at the weekends .. always seems to have been the way.

I can totally understand if your going to be the only girl there why he wouldn't want you to tag along.

ImperialBlether · 15/03/2017 10:56

I would be upset by this. You've only been married a couple of years. I'd be upset by him going out on Friday or Saturday nights, too - to me, if you're part of a couple that's when you spend time together, and if you're not with someone, you go out to find someone. I was always wary of big packs of married men out on a Saturday night - there was always some copping off going on.

He's your best friend but are you his?

Butterymuffin · 15/03/2017 10:57

How often does he go for nights out with you, compared to the at least once, usually twice weekly pattern of going out with his mates?

QueenofPentacles · 15/03/2017 10:58

Vomiting everywhere... yes really lovely. I wouldn't like to be with someone who drinks until they are sick...
He's a grown up not a teenager. If that's what he does for fun that is up to him but quite honestly isn't he a bit old for all this bs?