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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband has arranged a night out with the lads for his birthday and I'm not invited

85 replies

Perplexed5 · 15/03/2017 01:33

Exactly that. A.I.B.U to be pissed off /hurt about this? He says I would be the only female there, so wouldn't enjoy it. So essentially I am not welcome as it would change the dynamic (lads boozy night out).

As background, he usually goes out one night a week with his mates. They all work in London and are looking to meet after work on a Thursday ( his birthday). He says his birthday is a good excuse to get the guys together, as it's been difficult to get them all together on the same date these days.
He arranged this with his friends without even asking me/ speaking to me about it. His excuse is that birthdays are no big deal and we can go out on Friday or Saturday instead.
So what do the mumsnet jury think? A.I.B.U to think he should have discussed this with me first?

He is now saying he will try move the Thursday boozing to another day, if I am pissed off about it. But he has admitted his first choice is to go out with his friends (without me). But I hardly want to be the consolation prize. It's sort of tainted now.
No children. Husband is turning 37. Together 7 years, married for 2.5yrs.
Your thoughts?

OP posts:

melj1213 · 15/03/2017 10:59

TBQH, it's his birthday, he can do what he wants to celebrate it. I'm currently single but when I was with my ex before we had DD, birthdays were pretty low key for me - I wasn't interested in having a big party so we'd usually just go for dinner in a really nice restaurant as my "main celebration" and then I'd arrange something like seeing a show/spa day with a few girl friends for a convenient weekend around my birthday ... my ex on the other hand always wanted to do a big party and would go out with loads of his mates, get drunk and have a crazy night so that was his main celebration and we'd find a time to go and have dinner when it was convenient. Both of us got to make the choice as to how we celebrated our birthday and I would never begrudge him his birthday bash just because it's not what I would have chosen to do.

You are feeling annoyed because he has planned something with his friends, based on his schedule for his birthday ... it's not your day, it's his.

Maybe he should have checked with you to see if you'd made plans, but even if you had why do plans you've made for his birthday trump what he actually wants to do/has planned? If you had bought expensive tickets to an event to surprise him with or had a reservation in an exclusive restaurant you've had made for months it would be one thing but otherwise why should he have to change his birthday plans to suit you?

TinselTwins · 15/03/2017 11:00

This would annoy me but I probably wouldn't have a relationship with a "lads night out" type as I am not a "girls night out" type myself!

We have some mutual friends and some not mutual friends, I wouldn't wanna go out on a night out with one of his groups who I amn't really friendly with, that wouldn't bother me, but being told it's because I'm a woman would

hoddtastic · 15/03/2017 11:01

we have kids, they like to do a birthday cake/tea so if i am going out on my birthday with or without DH I do it after they are in bed.

we do try and do something together though for birthdays, not usually on the day though. I'd be a bit pissed that he had decided to unilaterally make a plan that didn't involve me for his birthday, and would probably be a bit unavailable to him, for a while.

Whywaitfortomorrow · 15/03/2017 11:03

Agree with Annie, him going out with his mates is fine, but it is his birthday so would expect to be doing something together and would expect to have it mentioned just as common courtesy/respect if nothing else.

Original poster

Perplexed5 · 15/03/2017 11:07

Yes the drinking issues are a whole other thread. Sorry didn't mean to drip feed. Just didn't think it was relevant to the original question.
In fairness (believe it or not) he's making an effort to cut back at the moment.
Though undoubtedly the appeal of going out with his friends for his birthday is because it can be a massive drinking night.
buttery we try go out together once a week - usually a movie or something low key.

OP posts:

LilaoftheGreenwood · 15/03/2017 11:07

In fact, increasingly I think the birthday thing is a red herring. On the whole, people can do what they want for their birthdays and don't need permission, even implied, from their spouses. But it's the context of, oh, given the chance to celebrate something he's choosing to spend yet another boozy night without me like he already does once/twice a week. And there might be more vomit on my stuff. Yay.

Vermillioncomfyshoes · 15/03/2017 11:11

I wouldn't mind him going out with his mates but I'd have expected him to mention it to me before he committed, simply because I might have planned a surprise.

Then again, I wouldn't plan a surprise on a weeknight and he probably knows this. I wouldn't want to spend the evening with a bunch of blokes drinking. He probably knows this as well.
So meh. No, I wouldn't be that bothered.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 15/03/2017 11:14

x-post, Perplexed yep I can see why you tried to isolate the question, because it IS also a bit crappy to invite someone and then say "Oh I didn't really want you to come", and that's kind of a little issue in itself. But I think it probably is nested in this wider thing. It's good that he's trying to cut back. I just wonder if he doesn't really appreciate how much his drinking drives his whole social agenda and what that means for you.

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 15/03/2017 11:22

What Lila has said. The fact that it's his birthday is irrelevant to him - it's just a convenient excuse to go out and drink until he falls over and vomits.

If he was truly making an effort to 'cut back' then he should be able to enjoy alcohol in moderation. Nothing wrong with having a drink if you enjoy it - and there's also nothing wrong in going out for a night with friends. But if he is honestly committed to managing his drinking and cutting it back to more sensible levels, he'd be arranging a night out with friends that involved something other than going round town and getting pissed.

He sounds like a functional alcoholic who is still making excuses and bargaining about his drinking, because he is in denial that he has a drinking problem.

AmserGwin · 15/03/2017 11:28

It wouldn't bother me. But then I wouldn't want to go out on a Thursday when there is work/school the next day. I'd rather do something at the weekend, which he has already said you can

Whiterabbitears · 15/03/2017 11:41

I think YABU, celebrate with him the next day? I always have a girls night out on my birthday and I never ask my DHs permission, I wouldn't expect him to not be OK with it tbh. I never get too upset by this sort of thing though, often as a family we celebrate midweek birthdays on a weekend anyway, more time to do fun things and eat lots of cake

Allthebestnamesareused · 15/03/2017 11:45

Like you Op wouldn't bother me that he was going on lads night out on his birthday and that we'd celebrate on another day. Would bother me that we didn't have a conversation about it first though. Just courtesy really.

QueenofallIsee · 15/03/2017 11:54

I wouldn't 'discuss' that with my DP. In my circle of friends it is pretty typical to have a night out with your friends as well as a family occasion and to be honest, there is no way I would expect to go out on a boys night out. My DP is my best friend but I still like going out without him

I think you are over reacting - you go out together once a week, don't have to work around kids and are clearly happy. If you want a boozy night out, arrange one with your friends/couples and do both

MrsCobain · 15/03/2017 11:56

I'd be hurt. It's my 40th soon and we can't get a babysitter for dh so we're having to do something with him instead.

I'd MUCH rather have a boozy night out but I know dh would be hurt so I'm not.

MrsCobain · 15/03/2017 12:01

If dh wanted to go to the running of the bulls I'd seriously consider leaving him.

Dozer · 15/03/2017 12:01

After the drip feed am much more sympathetic to OP, the H clearly has issues with booze (at best) and his prioritising boozing on his birthday is part of that.

QueenofallIsee · 15/03/2017 12:04

MrsCobain, your husband would be hurt at you doing something with out him? He would get over it, plan what you want to do!

goingonabearhunt1 · 15/03/2017 12:29

I hope he was VERY apologetic about the vomitting everywhere OP. That is the thing that would bother me tbh if it's not the first time.

I wouldn't care about my DP going out without me but if he was regularly coming home and being sick everywhere I would find that pretty upsetting (and worrying).

My DP did this once when we first lived together (we were 24) and was hugely apologetic and has never done it since.

Razz1eDazz1e · 15/03/2017 12:38

OP YANBU at all! Who are these men who need to drink so much they vomit fgs? He is 37, not 17 and its pathetic.
If my DH goes out with friends he may have a few whiskeys, but I have never seen him appear drunk. Even when we were in our 20s. I don't see the appeal of this binge drink culture and the idea that it's only a good night if you end up flat in your face in vomit.
Of course he should want to spend his birthday with you. It's very disrespectful to not even factor you in. He can drink like a muppet any night of the week.
Sorry, but I think he needs to grow up and show some consideration.

ImperialBlether · 15/03/2017 12:56

I'd be very wary of staying with a man who excludes you from celebrations and you drinks to the extent he does. This always gets worse with either infidelity or violence or debt resulting from the drinking.

ImperialBlether · 15/03/2017 12:56

and WHO drinks, obviously.

ImperialBlether · 15/03/2017 13:00

Just thinking, the reason the wives and partners aren't invited is because they wouldn't be able to behave in the same way, would they? How do you think he behaves differently if you're not there?

heron98 · 15/03/2017 13:06

I wouldn't care,. If it's a boys thing, I wouldn't want to go anyway! And thinking about it I went for a curry with my female friends for my birthday and DP wasn't invited.

Purplepicnic · 15/03/2017 13:06

Not unreasonable to go out with his mates.

Not unreasonable to not want you to come.

Unreasonable to arrange himself a night out that you are excluded from on a significant date with no reference to your thoughts or wishes.

JustSpeakSense · 15/03/2017 17:01

I think going out drinking with his mates, at his age, so frequently (sometimes to the point of being sick) is not normal. I think he wants to get pissed on his birthday, and that's why you've been excluded from any arrangements.

He is acting like a teenager / student, or does he have a drinking problem?

Are his mates in committed relationships? At that age my DH and I socialised together in couples some of the time (not always) so we 'partied' together on special occasions.

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