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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my DD sleeps in my bed every night?

139 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/03/2017 21:44

She was such a brilliant sleeper when she was a baby and we ruined her at age 2 when our house fell through and we moved in with my parents for 6 months, and she shared a room there with us. She basically slept okay in her bed there, but by the time we had our new house she screamed bloody murder every time we tried to put her in her own room, and two weeks after we moved in I had DD2 (the worst non sleeping baby ever!) so the need to sleep overrode the need to put DD1 in her own room.

Time passed... ages now 6.5... and she still sleeps with me. DD2 has gone into her own room and become a perfect sleeper long ago. I have episodes of trying to put her in her room, but there's always school the next day / don't want to wake DD2 / have a big day tomorrow / it's Christmas Blush... she manages to stay and I've basically given up and DH has been sleeping in the other room for over a year.

Last night he got mad and said I don't even try anymore... but my reasoning is, she's not going to Want to sleep in there much longer surely. And DH gets up at 6 to go running... so selfishly, him not waking us up with him is a small plus... and it's not like she isn't lovely to give a hug to in the night. There's so much life stress sometimes, giving myself more every evening to get her across the hall seems like a fight I just can't be bothered with right now.

I'm being unreasonable aren't I? Sad

OP posts:
NapQueen · 14/03/2017 21:47

I do think its a shame that you and dh canr share a bed. I love my kids dearly but I spend most of every day with them and its nice having our bed to just us.

Jengnr · 14/03/2017 21:48

Your husband blaming you is unreasonable. He could do something about it.

If everyone was happy with it I wouldn't be bothered but your husband isn't happy so it needs sorting out. It won't take long.

Redglitter · 14/03/2017 21:50

At 6 she's old enough to understand she needs to sleep in her own bed. The fact you're allowing her to sleep there and your husband is being forced out is crazy.

She's not a baby put her in her own bed

megletthesecond · 14/03/2017 21:51

Does your DH do his fair share of trying to improve her bedtimes?

Fwiw I'm a lp and my 8yo DD still sleeps in my bed 2/3 times a week. Like you I simply don't have the energy to deal with it. Probably not an overly helpful response but I understand where you're coming from.

NapQueen · 14/03/2017 21:52

How could he try and change it if the mum has given in and will just let her regardless?

emma6776 · 14/03/2017 21:53

No help here - my 5 year old still sleeps with us most nights.

Whatsername17 · 14/03/2017 21:53

She is old enough to be reasoned with now. Bribed even. It wouldn't be that difficult now but you need to commit to it. I think its clear your marriage is suffering.

Familyof3or4 · 14/03/2017 21:53

Big bed?
We have a super king and myself dp and dd usually all sleep in it.
DD is only 2 though

EyeStye · 14/03/2017 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SparkleSunshine201 · 14/03/2017 21:55

I don't think it's that big of a deal to be honest. Pick your battles and I don't know if this is worth the heartache when she will soon want to be in her own bed. They are little for such a short time.

BarbarianMum · 14/03/2017 21:57

If dh basically banished me from our bed for years so he could cosleep with one of our kids he could find himself another wife. Lots of couples sleep separately but you need to both be fine with it. Sounds like your fine with it and he isn't. So yes, you have a problem.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/03/2017 21:58

I have really tried... crying it out, giving her a movie for ten minutes in her room, making a star chart, telling her off, killing her with kindness, falling asleep with her then moving her... sometimes I'm so tired (as we all are I know!) that I just think 'screw it, I just want to go to bed.'

I don't think my marriage is suffering as such, we do loads together, we love each other... but aside from the obvious it would be nice to watch a movie in bed, read with the light on, dry my hair etc...

Hess helped with this. It I am a SAHM right now and he works full time so it is easier for me to deal with it.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 14/03/2017 22:00

So are you saying he's happy to go on another what - 5/6/7 - years like this? Or that he's not happy but that's ok?

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/03/2017 22:03

We do have a super king bed... but he finds it difficult to sleep with her in it because she's like a hot water bottle with 20 legs... I'm used to it I guess. But he finds it hard to have her in there.

We have sold this house and are moving (although we just lost our buyer and got a new one so starting over again!!) so maybe I can set a new house target for her being in her room.

The practicalities are difficult though.... how can I put up with the frying when it's going to mess with DD2 (who has SN) when sleeping is her best thing?!

OP posts:
RiversrunWoodville · 14/03/2017 22:04

family hurrah for the Superking! Our 2 year old dd2 firmly decided she was a cosleeper and we upgraded last year just to get some comfort (she still likes to starfish though) dd1 is almost 7 but does make the odd attempt to join the party with a flimsy excuse

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/03/2017 22:05

Barbarianmum... do you think it's going to be that long? Confused I assumed now stuff like sleepovers are starting, she's going to want to go in there.

Her room is so nice! I'd sleep in there! Grin

OP posts:
Waddlelikeapenguin · 14/03/2017 22:06

Superking?
We have superking with a single attached, loads of space. Humans sleeping alone is a very odd new phenomenon.

If you can't fit a bigger bed/DH won't share with DD what about a mat on the floor for your dd while you & DH share?

Some kids derive massive benefit from co-sleeping.

Chinnygirl · 14/03/2017 22:06

You should talk to her that she sleeps in her room and mummy and daddy in their own room. Put a lock on your bedroom door to shut her out if you need to. One of my colleagues wasn't stern enough and her 15 year old DD still sleeps with mum and will not accept it otherwise. It killed her relationship too. This can get serious so please act now. My colleague has become a very unhappy and lonely woman and a doormat to her DD.

TheOnlyLivingDeadBoyInNewYork · 14/03/2017 22:08

Great idea if you want to end up divorced. Sharing a bed with your six year old instead of your husband, not the best idea.

MuncheysMummy · 14/03/2017 22:08

Madness! Your DH and you will be living together long after the children have grown up and started their own families...that's if you haven't grown apart by then! (Not says no everyone who sleeps apart will do but the DH is clearly unhappy!)
Ship baby off to GP's or similar for the night for a sleepover and make it D day she IS sleeping in her own room from now no reason not to stick with it she can wail all night if she likes there's no baby to disturb. Explain what's going to happen from now on with regards to bedtime routine and sleeping and then STICK to it do NOT give in.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/03/2017 22:08

Oh my god... 15?!

I joke to DH.. 'no 13 year old sleeps with her mum!' Blush

OP posts:
blue25 · 14/03/2017 22:10

I'm not surprised your husband is unhappy. It's ridiculous. I know a mum whose son is still sleeping with her at age 11, so don't assume she'll want to move soon. You need to move her to her own room and put your marriage first.

NavyandWhite · 14/03/2017 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MMM3 · 14/03/2017 22:17

Put a fancy awesome bed in the new house.

My daughter slept in my room until she was nine, I was single but still...

Then we moved and I put a cool loft bed in her new room and she never slept in mine again.

Muddlingalongalone · 14/03/2017 22:19

Yanbu for wanting & easy life & to go with the flow, but yabu if it is negatively affecting your marriage.
Fwiw I have Dd2 (2.5) with me every night, although I insist on her starting in her own bed & Dd1 ( just 6) most weekends but I am a single parent so it doesn't affect anyone else.