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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my DD sleeps in my bed every night?

139 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/03/2017 21:44

She was such a brilliant sleeper when she was a baby and we ruined her at age 2 when our house fell through and we moved in with my parents for 6 months, and she shared a room there with us. She basically slept okay in her bed there, but by the time we had our new house she screamed bloody murder every time we tried to put her in her own room, and two weeks after we moved in I had DD2 (the worst non sleeping baby ever!) so the need to sleep overrode the need to put DD1 in her own room.

Time passed... ages now 6.5... and she still sleeps with me. DD2 has gone into her own room and become a perfect sleeper long ago. I have episodes of trying to put her in her room, but there's always school the next day / don't want to wake DD2 / have a big day tomorrow / it's Christmas Blush... she manages to stay and I've basically given up and DH has been sleeping in the other room for over a year.

Last night he got mad and said I don't even try anymore... but my reasoning is, she's not going to Want to sleep in there much longer surely. And DH gets up at 6 to go running... so selfishly, him not waking us up with him is a small plus... and it's not like she isn't lovely to give a hug to in the night. There's so much life stress sometimes, giving myself more every evening to get her across the hall seems like a fight I just can't be bothered with right now.

I'm being unreasonable aren't I? Sad

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 14/03/2017 23:41

You should do this for dd not just your marriage. Imagine she goes to school and it comes out she still sleeps with mum?

So what if it does? She's 6.

LovingLola · 14/03/2017 23:44

How do you maintain a sexual relationship with your husband? Or is that gone by the wayside?

Waddlelikeapenguin · 14/03/2017 23:56

LovingLola

How do you maintain a sexual relationship with your husband? Or is that gone by the wayside?

Confused Not OP but we cosleep, actually current set up is I co sleep with two & DH cosleeps with one.... We haven't shared a bed in months, we have floor, sofa, table, occasionally even spare bed sex Grin

Do you only have sex in your shared bed?

Megatherium · 14/03/2017 23:58

TittyGolightly, if you can't work out why adults might want to sleep together and why that reason might not apply to children, you're probably not on the right website.

Pentapus · 15/03/2017 00:02

no 13 year old sleeps with her mum!

Actually, I know someone who did co-sleep till that age! I think she'd have stayed longer but got finally turfed out at 13.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 15/03/2017 00:17

We do need to do something about it... I do actually agree with DH, but it's hard. (This is a bit mortifying....) but she swears there's a boy in her room. DH laughs and doesn't give it any weight... she says it to me and I say 'don't be silly! I'm right here in the room opposite yours! If you lay the other way you can see my bed!' Etc... but I can't lie... her insistence that there's a boy in her room has occasionally creeped me out enough to let her into mine.

Don't get me wrong. I don't think there's a boy in her room... but I do appreciate that being scared must be awful. This is clearly a diversionary tactic, but she's kept it up for 4 years and always points to the exact same spot.

so much so I look over my shoulder when I Hoover during the day!

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 15/03/2017 00:21

And thanks for your concern, but we have sex everywhere else.

DH is mad not because of that, but because of the normal things we miss, watching the TV in bed together, both reading and having a chat etc...

OP posts:
Megatherium · 15/03/2017 00:31

Take her to bed in her room, sit in the spot where she says the boy is and point out that you're not sitting on anyone.

missbishi · 15/03/2017 00:39

Do you not think she's manipulating you with this boy in the room business? She has clearly learnt that saying this to you gets her what she wants.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 15/03/2017 00:59

My DFriends DD still sleeps in with her at 12.

Let's just say as a result their marriage isn't in a good place.

catkind · 15/03/2017 01:03

You could have fun with that boy in the room idea. Give him a name, play games with him, tame him and make him a friend. If you lie in her bed, are there any funny shadows or anything where she points? An odd thing for a 2 yr old to invent cold.

JungleInTheRumble · 15/03/2017 01:25

My partner's little sister slept in their parents room until 13...

The boy in the room is creepy but i agree that she's probably doing it to get what she wants. With that extra info perhaps it's good that you're moving house and can say we'll now you have your own room without the boy.

LEELULUMPKIN · 15/03/2017 04:59

Does she have a close friend or relative the same age that you could arrange for a sleepover or is she too young? only on the proviso that they sleep in her room, that might bribe/tempt her?

I'm with everyone who says to be careful how this will affect your other DD, I think if that had been me and my two Sisters, both older, I would definitely have felt different.

I also don't think it's healthy for your marriage and surely your DH can't really enjoy kipping on his own? It would bother me if mine did

I do wonder if as other have said that there is more to this.

Of course cuddles with our children are lovely but not at the expense of excluding other family members.

If you genuinely do want to put a stop to this you have got to be firm and stand your ground. All the "reason's" you are giving for not doing so just sound like excuses tbh.

Cheby · 15/03/2017 05:11

Having bread the thread, you agree you need to do something OP, so I would. Wait until school holidays somit doesn't matter so much if she's tired in the day and DD2 can nap if needed. Resign yourself to a week of no sleep. Explain firmly what's coming and why (she is old enough to understand now). I'm not into reward charts but I might consider one for this situation.

And then just keep returning her. Don't give in. You can be kind and gentle about it but be firm and stick to your guns. Every single night, every single time she gets up.

Wallywobbles · 15/03/2017 05:46

This would have killed our relationship stone dead. We do all our bonding in our bedroom snuggled up together chatting and reading. It's our intimate space. Kids have to knock before entering. I think you maybe add some boundaries in here for the sake of your marriage.

We go up at pretty much the same time as the kids to tuck in and kiss goodnight and don't go down again.

graciestocksfield · 15/03/2017 05:51

www.goodreads.com/book/show/2630746-what-to-do-when-you-dread-your-bed

Here you go, OP. Work through this with her, she's the perfect age for it.

JoandMax · 15/03/2017 06:50

I'm a big fan of co-sleeping but only if it works for everyone and you've got to the stage where it isn't working anymore.

I think wait until you move otherwise you will just about crack it and then a big change may well set you back again.

Make a big deal of her new room, let her choose furniture and decorations then start gently chatting during the day about how lovely her new room will be and you'll be so proud of her for sleeping in it.

I would also start by staying with her until she falls asleep then do some gradual withdrawal. I think getting stern and taking an abrupt stance as lot of posters have suggested won't work - this had been her routine and normal for so so long it would be a huge shock to suddenly change so dramatically!

Or is a bed in your room an option so she can be near you but your DH can sleep in the bed again? Again a gentler way of changing how things are and maybe after a while she'd be more receptive to her own room?

DS2 is nearly 7 and comes into us more often than not - we bought a huge bed so there's plenty of space and are all happy. It hasn't damaged DH and Is relationship at all, nor does it bother DS1 (who incidentally is a brilliant sleeper!), he knows he can always come to us and sleep if he wants/needs but he doesn't. There's no jealousy or resentment.

Some children just seem to have a very strong need to be close at night, it's not always about manipulation or whatever so many imply. It's an emotional need which is important to recognize and all work together to find the way forward

Deedee3311 · 15/03/2017 06:55

It might sound too simple, but you need to stick to your guns for as long as it takes and I can't imagine she will throw fits for weeks and weeks. It will mean for a couple of weeks you'll be fed up of her tantrums etc and tempted to just let her get her own way again, but as others have said she's not a baby anymore! She shouldn't be sharing a bed with her mum at age 6.

It's like taking a dummy from a baby. It's hard work when they're screaming for it, won't settle etc, but it's a process you have to go through so your kid doesn't look like one of those idiot kids with dummy's at like 4. Stick at it, it'll be a distant memory in no time!

OhTheRoses · 15/03/2017 06:58

Surely her class will soon be having fantastically exciting sleepovers and she won't want to miss out on them.

Have you made her bedroom a little girl's delight. Fab mirror, blue carpet, frozen all the way or whatever takes her fancy. Is her room her special space beyond bedtime. It should be. It would be a good start.

Bluntness100 · 15/03/2017 07:06

You need to get this sorted. There was a thread on this awhile ago where the woman did the same thing , her husband and her split up and she wished she'd listened to him and put her daughter in her own bed and maintained that closeness.

He's told you he's not happy, listen to him. The fact he thinks you're not even trying any more is both concerning and telling. If your daughter thinks that about the boy, then switch rooms, whatever but get it sorted before you damage the relationship irretriavably with your husband.

Bluntness100 · 15/03/2017 07:12

I also agree it sounds like you're making excuses, deep down you prefer to sleep with your daughter than your husband and if that's the case he will know it, feel rejected and that's why he's mad.

TittyGolightly · 15/03/2017 14:19

TittyGolightly, if you can't work out why adults might want to sleep together and why that reason might not apply to children, you're probably not on the right website.

Apologies. Our sex life is obviously far too wild and varied for mumsnet (where only bed sex is allowed and children must be shunned in favour of it at all times). We live in 2017, not 1917. 🙄

TittyGolightly · 15/03/2017 14:22

you prefer to sleep with your daughter than your husband and if that's the case he will know it, feel rejected and that's why he's mad

My husband is grown up enough to understand that at times a 6 year old's needs have to come before his. It's just another reason to love him IMO.

LoveDeathPrizes · 15/03/2017 14:31

Who do you want to sleep with?

It is pretty lovely. We have our best chats at night.

Brokenme · 15/03/2017 14:43

I think all of these marriages that have ended because a child was sharing the bed can't have been particularly strong relationships in the first place. As others have said lots of ways to carry on sexual relationships besides your bed. I really can't get my head around why we banish children to sleep on their own (from a very young age) but that adults MUST sleep together or their relationship will end. Makes no sense to me.

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