That my DD sleeps in my bed every night?

[MaryPoppinsPenguins]

She was such a brilliant sleeper when she was a baby and we ruined her at age 2 when our house fell through and we moved in with my parents for 6 months, and she shared a room there with us. She basically slept okay in her bed there, but by the time we had our new house she screamed bloody murder every time we tried to put her in her own room, and two weeks after we moved in I had DD2 (the worst non sleeping baby ever!) so the need to sleep overrode the need to put DD1 in her own room.

Time passed... ages now 6.5... and she still sleeps with me. DD2 has gone into her own room and become a perfect sleeper long ago. I have episodes of trying to put her in her room, but there's always school the next day / don't want to wake DD2 / have a big day tomorrow / it's Christmas ... she manages to stay and I've basically given up and DH has been sleeping in the other room for over a year.

Last night he got mad and said I don't even try anymore... but my reasoning is, she's not going to Want to sleep in there much longer surely. And DH gets up at 6 to go running... so selfishly, him not waking us up with him is a small plus... and it's not like she isn't lovely to give a hug to in the night. There's so much life stress sometimes, giving myself more every evening to get her across the hall seems like a fight I just can't be bothered with right now.

I'm being unreasonable aren't I?

She said the pouring water was an accident, and I wanted to try and make her feel like being in her room and being in her bed was amazing and I was proud of her... so even though I believe it was deliberate.. the benefit of the doubt was all I could do.

My DH knew what I was doing, but said he didn't realise she was there until she was asleep!

Tonight DH is out late, so I purposely invited a friend over so I was busy, and told DD I couldn't come back up and please don't be naughty as X is here.... (her beloved godparent!) and she stayed in bed until my friend left... then she went crazy crying..... she woke up DD2, she said she hated me.... but I've left her there and I'm downstairs with wine (can probably tell my my typing!) and I'm having a sob....

The realities of our life are that DD2 has needs that far outweigh DD1... and we perpetually get bad news (like today...) so my soul wants to just give in, because she gets so little attention in life, doesn't she deserve a cuddle at night?

I feel like I'm being horrible to her, and disturbing DD2, just so I can watch TV in bed

I must have been an awful mother when my kids were younger. They came to my bed for a little while when ill or after a nightmare, but then I'd get them back to their own bed. A little reassurance and they settled back no probs. Both kids well loved and well adjusted.

I really don't want my teen DD to come in to me for a snuggle in the morning -I'm too conscious of stray underwear and dirty tissues-- It's mine and DH's space.

Yep, she deserves a cuddle, but that's very different from her sleeping with you and your husband being kicked into the spare room.

My kids have never been allowed in our bed. They have their own beds and their own room. Our bed and our room is space for DH and I: the only space that is "ours" in the house. I don't think that's a bad thing. My kids certainly aren't unloved. They just realise that they don't get free rein over every aspect of our lives and of our house.

My younger cousin slept with her mum until she was nearly 16. I would nip it in the bud now if I were you. But then I'm a stone cold bitch who won't even let my kids sleep with me when ill. I sleep on their floor though but mummy's bedroom is out of bounds unless they need me. Although that is for their own safety as I tend to lash out at people in my sleep and even DP doesn't sleep with me in times of stress as he is liable to get punched in the head. I can see why your DH is upset and understand the need to not disturb your younger daughter but for the sake of your marriage, I think you need to sort it. New house idea is a good one. Make a huge deal of it, everyone gets their own room, what colour shall we paint it? Let her choose, even if it is hideous (within reason). If she is proud of it, she will want to sleep in there. Do you have pets that you could let sleep in her room? I always feel more secure with a lovely warm dog hogging the pillow snuggled up with me.

This boy in her room business btw seems an odd thing to just make up out of the blue though. Have you tried laying in her bed in the dark and looking where she points, maybe with eyes half closed? Find out what it is she is seeing. I have a nun in my room. She is a massive fuck off pile of clothes on a chair but very convincing in half light.

Just a thought, OP. Would she be more willing to sleep in her "own" room if she was sharing with her sister? That way she's not alone, but she's not with you.

FFS people, no-one's saying it's cold or unloving not to ever cosleep, what's with all these "my kids certainly aren't unloved", "I'm a stone cold bitch", "I must have been an awful mother" comments. It feels like a rather PA way to condemn OP for starting cosleeping in the first place. Is that really helpful? Fact is OP has been cosleeping and is looking for help to stop without too much trauma.

OP, actually, even if she sneaked in later, if she went to sleep for the first time in her own bed then chalk it up as a win. She'll stay asleep longer next time. Hopefully this evening!

FFS people, no-one's saying it's cold or unloving not to ever cosleep, what's with all these "my kids certainly aren't unloved", "I'm a stone cold bitch", "I must have been an awful mother" comments. It feels like a rather PA way to condemn OP for starting cosleeping in the first place. Is that really helpful? Fact is OP has been cosleeping and is looking for help to stop without too much trauma.

Orrr it could be to reassure the OP that by insisting her DD sleeps in her own room, she isn't rejecting her or making her feel unloved? I even pointed out at that of course the DD deserves cuddles, but there's a difference between that and co-sleeping...

Calm your tits.

My thoughts as I read the thread:

1 I have no problem with co-sleeping and did so with my own dd until she was 13/14, when she was younger most nights, gradually becoming not every night but weekends/holidays when she was older, usually so we could watch a film together type thing. Most of her friends do the same. So I'm a little bit That your dh is so anti when she's still little. I was divorced and ex remarried by time my dd was 6, she co-slept at times with her dad, stepmum and 2 half siblings, they certainly used to do a Sunday morning cuddle or sat film night. Their dc did/do co-sleep too. My ex is a shit in many ways but he's not bump a small child out a bed.

2 have you eliminated obvious issues? Drafts? Shadows? Wrong mattress for her in her bed?

I was an army brat one place had a horrendous draft from a dodgy window, one had a shadow from a tree that looked like a witch! My parents swapped rooms for first issue and the shadow talked to me but also put a blanket up at the window to disguise the shadow. Have you tried lying in her bed where she would and check on drafts/lumps/scary shadows? That might be 'the boy in the room' ?

3 is she completely alone in her room? Would she be better off sharing with her sibling? Would that be ok for sibling?

Not only is families sleeping alone new children sleeping alone is very recent, living memory! My parents both shared beds with siblings, my mother has never had her own bed, she shared with sister growing up and only left home to marry. Totally normal for many of her generation (baby boomers). What about a double bed for dd? More like the bed she's used to and maybe if it's safe/suitable she could share with sibling?

2 of my dn's often sleep in same bed. They have their own beds but often cuddle up together in one, they're great friends and adore each other.

I also agree with ideas like new bedding, new cuddly toy, hot water bottle etc. Make it cost and welcoming. Let her have input.

You could also try you sleeping on a mattress/air bed in her room? Before gradually withdrawing from her room?

Argh not make it cost

Make it cosy

Is it because she feels that's the onlytime she gets you to herself as dd2 has sn. Sorry you received bad news today.

She is 6.5 - this has only been going on for 4 years.

4 years out of your life, what is that as a percentage of your life? Nothing.

Tough to hear, but you have unwittingly created this situation by not taking this on, and caving.

I get that you think she has potential attention seeking issues, but tbh, my ds is an only child and would've been exactly the same if I'd let him.

It is good that you're moving, start now and prepare her for her own room. Do not back down. Get your h to back you up.

Do this now and it will happen.

Or the only time you'll have your bed to yourself will be when she's with her Dad on Every Other Weekend.

I would not have put up with this if the shoe were on the other foot.

As it was when ds went through this stage, I said to him aged 4 that it was weekends only initially and that I'd walk him back every time. Yes there were tears initially, but we talked it through. It was fine in the end.

They don't suffer, they just want their own way. They can't have their own way all the time.

You have to tackle this now. It's way past time. You have to protect your marriage and family.

Then a change of room when you move might help with the boy in room issue?

Or you could do a girls only sign first the door so the boy understand? Or make him his own bed? Put him to bed too? Use a kids fishing net to catch him & put him out everynight? Be playful & creative about it to find a solution that will work for her. & maybe sharing with sibling would help? Special ribbon round her bed to keep her safe? Ask her what the boy wants/says /does to start a dialogue about it & find a resolution that she comes up with ie, once you get her talking about him ask her what she thinks will help or ask her to ask him or you ask him & see what she says etc

& op if your younger dc send is 'taking over' during the day (meant kindly, all mine has siMilar send but present differently & are prioritised over each other in different situations because of this) she may just be picking up on your worries plus missing closeness with you if your monopolised by other dc during the day.

Have you spoken to her about how she feels about her dds send? Could you look for books that would help her with any worries about this &/or write her her own book about it? Can you try some one to one time with her booked in everyweek so she knows she will allways have your undivided attension then & not be as needy at other times? I know it's not allways possible to do this but I find it helps hugely calm the jealousies we have in our house.

Amy & the feelings basket books & margot Sunderland's books are good for helping kids talk about emotions, there will likely be disability related ones on the market too.