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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my DD sleeps in my bed every night?

139 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/03/2017 21:44

She was such a brilliant sleeper when she was a baby and we ruined her at age 2 when our house fell through and we moved in with my parents for 6 months, and she shared a room there with us. She basically slept okay in her bed there, but by the time we had our new house she screamed bloody murder every time we tried to put her in her own room, and two weeks after we moved in I had DD2 (the worst non sleeping baby ever!) so the need to sleep overrode the need to put DD1 in her own room.

Time passed... ages now 6.5... and she still sleeps with me. DD2 has gone into her own room and become a perfect sleeper long ago. I have episodes of trying to put her in her room, but there's always school the next day / don't want to wake DD2 / have a big day tomorrow / it's Christmas Blush... she manages to stay and I've basically given up and DH has been sleeping in the other room for over a year.

Last night he got mad and said I don't even try anymore... but my reasoning is, she's not going to Want to sleep in there much longer surely. And DH gets up at 6 to go running... so selfishly, him not waking us up with him is a small plus... and it's not like she isn't lovely to give a hug to in the night. There's so much life stress sometimes, giving myself more every evening to get her across the hall seems like a fight I just can't be bothered with right now.

I'm being unreasonable aren't I? Sad

OP posts:
ThreeFish · 14/03/2017 22:39

@muncheys
Why did you have to say "paddy all night"
I'm with you, I know what you mean, but really you can't find a better term?

SirVixofVixHall · 14/03/2017 22:39

We co-slept for ages with both dds. Then at some point (it is a bit of a blur) DH stopped being able to fit in the bed too, so we had the vaguely amusing arrangement where he slept in the girls room surrounded by cuddly animals, while they both slept in our room with me....time moved on....eventually, possibly around a year /18m ago (dd2 is nine now) they both moved back into their room , sharing the big bed. Then about a month ago DD2 moved into her own bed but in the same room as DD1. So, you know, these things pass, and it all changes. Whatever gets the most people the most hours of sleep has been our way. Eventually you will get your bed back to just you and your DH, but those years of snuggling up as a family with tiny people are lovely too. All over the world children sleep in with parents, it is completely normal- we are mammals after all. Take the heat off and relax about it for a while, and see what happens. Smile

AtSea1979 · 14/03/2017 22:41

Don't rely on your DD growing out of it. My DS is 11 and still would sleep in my bed if I let him.
Just be firm with DD after a couple of nights she'll get the hang of it but something tells me it's more about you than it is about DD

SewMeARiver · 14/03/2017 22:42

Follow my advice. You AND dh mentally psh yourself up a week beforehand. Prepare to get very little sleep. On the following monday put dd in her bed. If she screams and hollers, stay up and sit beside, (but not in) her bed until she falls (criess herself) asleep hold her hand if necessary, but DO NOT get in the bed. If she wakes and comes back into your room, pick her up and immediately put her back in her room. Ignore her screaming, shouting etc. Sit beside her bed until she sleeps, gradually reduce time you spend sitting next to her. Do this consistently for a week. Eventually she'll sleep in her own bed. But both you and dh have to do this together.

You should do this for dd not just your marriage. Imagine she goes to school and it comes out she still sleeps with mum? Plus she needs some independence, and it will improve her self-confidence. I have fond memories of staying awake for hours in my bed as a child reading books until I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. The authors I discovered! I could never do that if I was still sleeping in my parents bed at 7 or 8 years old.

JonesyAndTheSalad · 14/03/2017 22:45

Just to warn you OP. My DD is NINE and I've only just got her in her own bed. I was like you and it proved hard.

She'd be in bed with me still if I allowed it.

Vermillioncomfyshoes · 14/03/2017 22:47

Oh my god... 15?!

That's what I thought.
But of course not. She will have matured and want her own space long before that.

thetreesarebare · 14/03/2017 22:51

I genuinely thought I would never have a decent night sleep again ever.... It will happen, my lo was 6.5 & realised I wasn't getting a good sleep. I never enforced it & always said "come through if you wake up". That reassurance was all that was needed. I bought a new duvet cover & made a big deal of it to family & friends that lo was sleeping in own bed. There is the odd night lo comes through but compared to every night sleeping with an octopus it's fine. I miss lo to snuggle into now. It's so tough with a non sleeper but try not to stress too much as it will happen.

ginsparkles · 14/03/2017 22:51

Out daughter is coming up to 5 and we all share a bed. I hate to sleep alone so don't force my daughter to do something I wouldn't want to do either. Plus I used to drive for my job so needed to have had a good nights sleep. But we all sleep in together and dh is fine with it.

I think the fact that your dh has a problem with it, is more the issue. So if he wants the problem solved, he needs to help solve it. Could the children share a room so that they aren't alone? It might help?

Fluffycloudland77 · 14/03/2017 22:53

My nephew still co slept at 13yo. It happens.

GabsAlot · 14/03/2017 22:54

youre making it worse long term for an easy life now
my dsis slept with my parents till she was 12ish all because they would never say no

for the next ten years she wouldnt go to sleep without the tv on she said it wa too quiet

do something now before it escalates

conserveisposhforjam · 14/03/2017 22:55

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FrancisCrawford · 14/03/2017 22:59

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chickenlickencluck · 14/03/2017 23:01

I feel for you OP! Our DD has never been a great one for sleeping in our bed- but on the occasions she does I must say I love the snuggles.

My DH wouldn't be up for it regularly tho, so just as well DD likes to sleep alone.

Vermillioncomfyshoes · 14/03/2017 23:06

All over the world children sleep in with parents, it is completely normal- we are mammals after all. Take the heat off and relax about it for a while, and see what happens

I fully agree with this. What's the rush? They are small for such a minimal amount of time. It's a very short term problem in the grand scheme of things. Sounds like the problem is DH being mad about it rather than it being a problem for OP.
OP has 2 young children, but everybody is getting enough sleep.
That's brilliant in my book. Not everybody is that lucky.
In our household that would have been a major achievement however it was managed.

Don't sweat it. Time will sort it out.
You can have sex anywhere. Beds are sometimes just for sleeping.

Vermillioncomfyshoes · 14/03/2017 23:06

You can have sex anywhere

Well you can't, but YKWIM.

SewMeARiver · 14/03/2017 23:07

Who are you calling a handmaiden conserve?

daffodil10 · 14/03/2017 23:09

Conserve what the heck is a self righteous hand maiden?

I can't believe what I'm hearing, my daughter had trouble sleeping for years but not once did she ever get in our bed. We used to sit next to her bed, nap on her floor but never bring her in with us.

It's your space as a couple. It's important to have space away from children.

Put a lock on your door, shut her door and you may stand a chance of your marriage surviving

deadringer · 14/03/2017 23:13

My friend's dd slept with her til she was 17, she only stopped then because my friend got married again. Now at 20 her dd still sleeps in with her whenever her dh is away on business. Her first husband slept in the spare room and always resented being pushed out, it definitely contributed to their split.

Vermillioncomfyshoes · 14/03/2017 23:15

Don't bet on it

My aunt slept with my GM till she left home at 20

I'd still bet on it because that's a very extreme example.

OnALosingSpree · 14/03/2017 23:17

My DS is asleep next to me. He's nearly 6 and sleeps with me but I'm a single mum so there's no issue with a DH getting booted out

WyfOfBathe · 14/03/2017 23:18

YABU. There's nothing wrong with co-sleeping, but there's something wrong with co-sleeping with your 6 year old at the expense of your marriage.

During the next school holidays, move her into her own room. Sit in her room if you need to, but don't let her in your bed. Once being in your bed is no longer an option, I'm sure she'll settle fine in her own room.

WalkingSense · 14/03/2017 23:28

We have been there. My DS is now 12, last year we decided it was enough. Either me or DH would loose sleep if he was in our (king size!) bed. We hired a sleep coach (Millpond) and was worth all the money. Because it worked! He now goes off to sleep within half an hour, every night, sleeps in his own bed all night and no longer wakes up in the middle of the night sleepwalking or with bad dreams. Try their website first for many key tips. Some things I learned: sleeping is a habit and some people need to learn it. Time spent now teaching your child means they have a skill for life. It does take effort. You need to have the exact same bed routine for 6 weeks, even if you feel at some point it doesn't work. Keep a schedule of when she falls asleep and when she wakes up. Wake her up every day at the same time (also on Sundays) as half an hour longer in the morning means half an hour later to sleep in the evening. Tell her this will happen and why (moving house is a great moment! we gave him a new bed in a new room). Go through the routine (warm milk, chat with parent, bath, 'boring' book, massage, lights out). The rule is only 1 light on (the same one every night) and NO chatting at all after lights out. Then sit next to her bed until she is asleep for 10 minutes. Do that for a week, then move to the foot of the bed and tell her where you are. Do that for a week, then move into the hallway, etc. You see how this takes a lot out of you and DH initially so you need to be really committed. Not sleeping properly for 11 years gave me just that commitment TBH! If she does get out of bed or wake up or sleepwalk over to your bed, get up and guide her gently to her own bed. Don't talk, don't hug or kiss (I know, it's tough, but it works). Of course you tell her the rules and the routine up front, with a bit of a reward. 'Now that you are a big girl..' or whatever works for you. My DS was keen to get it sorted, as he was exhausted himself from not sleeping well, but at 6 yo it's different of course. I just told him that I hired this expert and if we followed her advice he would be able to sleep really well, no more bad dreams, no more sleeplessness. Good luck!

kittytom · 14/03/2017 23:33

A biased YANBU. My DD is 6.5 and we have a similar set up. DH sleeps in the spare room. We have a good relationship otherwise. It won't be forever! We've just got used to it I guess. DD is also a terrible settler, always has been. Just do what works!

catkind · 14/03/2017 23:37

I've just moved my two cosleepers out at 5 and 7. No tears or fights involved. So I feel YANBU to cosleep at 6, but also that if you pick your moment and manage it carefully you can get her back in her own room without tears.

How much of this "trying" have you been doing recently? If she's been having but winning bedtime skirmishes, you're in a bad position to change anything without declaring all out war. I'd personally prefer having a clean interval of no arguments cosleeping before trying something new in a calmer way.

Then forget the supernanny stuff. You're talking a rational young person at 6, not a tantrumming toddler. Talk to her. Not at bedtime, that's too late, talk to her in the daytime if not days before, decide the plan and explain it, and then when bedtime comes the argument's already been had.

Find out if there's anything bothering her about her own room too. Would a hot water bottle make her feel cuddlier? Does she need an extra blanket? What cuddlies would she like in her bed today? Has the advantage that the more you talk about how not whether she'll be in her own bed, the more the idea gets built in. We also found DS genuinely wasn't comfortable in the bunk bed Blush he was much more willing to discuss moving to the spare bed instead.

Does she go to sleep quickly at bedtime if she is in your bed? How do you settle her? Do you have to stay or can you leave? Stating the obvious maybe, but with my two it's much easier to put them to bed when they're actually tired, and that's surprisingly late in our case. (Earlier bedtime does not = earlier sleep time here, it just means much more fighting bedtime.)

Does she read to herself yet? I find once they're snuggled up in bed drowsily with a book they are much much less keen on moving anywhere. DC have their own bedside lights that they can switch off when they're finished reading. I think they may have noticed they can get away with more reading time in their own beds ~whistles~

TittyGolightly · 14/03/2017 23:39

At 6 she's old enough to understand she needs to sleep in her own bed. The fact you're allowing her to sleep there and your husband is being forced out is crazy.

She's not a baby put her in her own bed

Why are children expected to sleep alone all night but adults are expected to sleep together?