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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my DD sleeps in my bed every night?

139 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/03/2017 21:44

She was such a brilliant sleeper when she was a baby and we ruined her at age 2 when our house fell through and we moved in with my parents for 6 months, and she shared a room there with us. She basically slept okay in her bed there, but by the time we had our new house she screamed bloody murder every time we tried to put her in her own room, and two weeks after we moved in I had DD2 (the worst non sleeping baby ever!) so the need to sleep overrode the need to put DD1 in her own room.

Time passed... ages now 6.5... and she still sleeps with me. DD2 has gone into her own room and become a perfect sleeper long ago. I have episodes of trying to put her in her room, but there's always school the next day / don't want to wake DD2 / have a big day tomorrow / it's Christmas Blush... she manages to stay and I've basically given up and DH has been sleeping in the other room for over a year.

Last night he got mad and said I don't even try anymore... but my reasoning is, she's not going to Want to sleep in there much longer surely. And DH gets up at 6 to go running... so selfishly, him not waking us up with him is a small plus... and it's not like she isn't lovely to give a hug to in the night. There's so much life stress sometimes, giving myself more every evening to get her across the hall seems like a fight I just can't be bothered with right now.

I'm being unreasonable aren't I? Sad

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 15/03/2017 14:46

I think all of these marriages that have ended because a child was sharing the bed can't have been particularly strong relationships in the first place.

In my friends case you are wrong.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 15/03/2017 14:48

because a child was sharing the bed

When does it stop? When they are 16, 18 leave home?

How about the other DC? When do they get their 'special time' with their DM?

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 15/03/2017 14:57

I must be a tiny minority in that I bf tiny babies in bed then shipped them out of my bed!! At 6 months into their own rooms and not a tiny toe has set foot back in my room since. My dc knock on the door if they need me during the night. They have never asked to come in my bed - ever. . If they have a bad dream or don't feel well, I tuck them into their own bed and kiss them goodnight!! All well balanced dc so don't feel like I got it wrong!!

Razz1eDazz1e · 15/03/2017 14:57

We had all our babies in the moses basket next to the bed until they got to big for it. I could just take them in and out for BF. DH never went into another room, he just slept through it all for the most part.

I can't imagine having this arrangement you have OP. DH is fairly tolerant, but he would have become very resentful after a couple of nights, let alone 6 years. Don't you miss having your DH in the bed with you?

LoveDeathPrizes · 15/03/2017 14:59

Really? How do you seperate that causation from consequence in that situation? I don't doubt there's a correlation but I don't think it would destroy an otherwise solid relationship. Although I guess it might point towards dominant priorities, sure. That might be a problem. Personally we knew/ know it's transitional and hasn't been a problem.

BaymaxismyHero · 15/03/2017 15:04

I'm in the minority too then as I do not like my kids in my bed. Even when I'm alone I sleep on my own!

FarAwayHills · 15/03/2017 15:09

I think you are living in false hope that she will suddenly just decide to sleep in her own bed. At six she is old enough to understand that mums and dads sleep together in their own room and she sleeps in her own room. You just need to be firm and persistent for her sake as well as yours. A girl in DDs class age 10 recently missed out on a residential because she never slept in her own bed.

catkind · 15/03/2017 17:39

I'm in the minority too then as I do not like my kids in my bed. Even when I'm alone I sleep on my own!
Of course you're not in a minority, but on a thread about how to stop cosleeping, people who've never coslept may not have much to contribute so most won't post.

Relationships that once looked strong end for all sorts of reasons. I have to say I can't imagine DH feeling like I was choosing between him and children - children are something we both chose to do together, and both choose how to handle together, cosleeping or not included. We're a little unusual as a family though as DH snores like a freight train and we've never shared a room out of choice anyway. Our relationship has been a deal stronger since we could afford separate bedrooms!

LEELULUMPKIN · 15/03/2017 17:52

The OED definition of "sometimes" - Occasionally, rather than all of the time. Every night for 6+ years is not really "sometimes" is it?

Also your DH may be "grown-up" enough to understand but I very much doubt your other DD is

MermaidsTears · 15/03/2017 19:02

Seriously dont see the problem.
My first DD slept with me till about 6.10 and then went in her own room, but fast forward few years and another Dd, she would still sleep with me every night given the chance.
We compromise and have film and sleepover nights at weekend.
I never feel as settled as when I'm snuggled up with both my babies.

That being said DP is completely on board, he doesn't care as long as we all sleep and he is a light sleeper so he's in spare room.

We see it as we have years and years together once kids are older etc

It's a relatively short period of time they are young and want to do this.

catkind · 15/03/2017 19:07

I never feel as settled as when I'm snuggled up with both my babies.
Aww. I'm happy to have either but both makes me feel claustrophobic (and kicked in the kidneys usually!). Part of the reason we moved them out in the end as there kept being quarrels about whose turn it was to sleep where.

Notapodling · 15/03/2017 19:10

My almost 7yo sleeps in my bed every night. I'm a lp though. I think a lot of people do it.
If it's causing problems, that's a different story though.

MermaidsTears · 15/03/2017 20:05

catkind notapodling there's a few of us it seems who do this. I love it

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 16/03/2017 19:01

Well last night I really tried... I put her in her bed, stories and promises about a treat at the weekend... and came downstairs.

Ten minutes later she was crying and I went up and she'd poured her water all over her bed.

I went to far as to flip the mattress and change the sheets....

At 10pm she was still crying.

At 10.45 she'd cried herself to sleep and DH and I watched broad church in bed... (how good?!!!)

Woke up at 2 and she was snuggled in on DH'a side and he was in the other room.

So it isn't just me!

OP posts:
SuperBeagle · 16/03/2017 19:43

You've mad a rod for your own back, OP. Pouring water on the bed? Confused

ginsparkles · 16/03/2017 19:59

I think if you feel you need to change it, then it needs to be done softly and gently. I would talk to her about being a big girl, and staying in her own bed. I would set a date say like Monday. Then I would have a very special weekend with her, reminding her that it's changing on Monday. And then she has warning of what's happening and why.

Then I would sit with her in her room. Going from being allowed to sleep with mummy and daddy, to not responding and leaving her to cry to sleep is a big jump.

hideehigh · 16/03/2017 20:17

Well done for taking the first step OP, it'll be hard but itll be worth it. Pouring water on the bed is very naughty behaviour, but it's good that you flipped the mattress instead of just giving in there and then.
It can be done, stick with it! Wineand Cakefor you because it's not easy !

ImFuckingSpartacus · 16/03/2017 20:32

Poured water on the bed, on purpose? I'd be punishing pretty harshly for that, personally.

Girliefriendlikesflowers · 16/03/2017 21:05

I would hit the roof if my dd deliberately poured water on the bed, so naughty and manipulative!!

Why did your dh not take her back to bed?!

theclick · 16/03/2017 21:08

My 8 yr old nephew still does this. Drives GP mental as he stays there a lot. But like you, they just get tired and give up. Be harsh now OP, because it could go on for years.

ThePiglet59 · 16/03/2017 21:15

Sounds like you are using this as an excuse to not have to sleep with your OH. If I were him I would start looking elsewhere.

Bluntness100 · 16/03/2017 21:16

Your child should have put her back, it's never going to work if you both give in...its a mixed message to give her and not fair on her.

Bluntness100 · 16/03/2017 21:16

Husband not child!

iwasagirlinavillage · 16/03/2017 21:30

Would she respond better to "weaning" her off of sleeping with you? So agree for her to sleep in your bed once or twice a week and in her own bed the other days. Still not ideal but huge progress from where you are now. Or alternatively, have you tried getting in to her bed with her? Does she settle like that? If not then it could be something about the room (boy or perceived creepiness?) Maybe the move will give you a prime opportunity to create a new safe and comforting environment from her...and the creepy boy can stay where he is!

catkind · 16/03/2017 21:32

Did you discuss the change of plan with your DH first? If you did, he was just massively undermining and hypocritical.

I wouldn't hit the roof about anything at bedtime, you did exactly the right thing OP showing her that it did no good trying to manipulate. As little reaction as possible and carry on with your own agenda. Expertly handled.

And just to hold out hope, my very recently ex cosleeper just turned down an offer of staying in with me for a treat. (Trying to bribe an early bedtime - she preferred early bedtime in her own bed.)