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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

That my DD sleeps in my bed every night?

139 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/03/2017 21:44

She was such a brilliant sleeper when she was a baby and we ruined her at age 2 when our house fell through and we moved in with my parents for 6 months, and she shared a room there with us. She basically slept okay in her bed there, but by the time we had our new house she screamed bloody murder every time we tried to put her in her own room, and two weeks after we moved in I had DD2 (the worst non sleeping baby ever!) so the need to sleep overrode the need to put DD1 in her own room.

Time passed... ages now 6.5... and she still sleeps with me. DD2 has gone into her own room and become a perfect sleeper long ago. I have episodes of trying to put her in her room, but there's always school the next day / don't want to wake DD2 / have a big day tomorrow / it's Christmas ... she manages to stay and I've basically given up and DH has been sleeping in the other room for over a year.

Last night he got mad and said I don't even try anymore... but my reasoning is, she's not going to Want to sleep in there much longer surely. And DH gets up at 6 to go running... so selfishly, him not waking us up with him is a small plus... and it's not like she isn't lovely to give a hug to in the night. There's so much life stress sometimes, giving myself more every evening to get her across the hall seems like a fight I just can't be bothered with right now.

I'm being unreasonable aren't I?

OP posts:

Megatherium · 14/03/2017 22:21

For goodness sake, you're allowing a 6 year old to mess up your marriage. Tell her that as from this weekend she is sleeping in her own room come what may; at bedtime, calmly take her to her own bed and settle her there, and tell her she is not to come to your room. Stick to it even if she cries all night. Once she realises you mean it, she'll stop.

Strygil · 14/03/2017 22:22

You are being totally unreasonable, and your husband deserves a medal. Essentially you are telling him that his needs and wishes don't matter at all compared to your daughter's needs and wishes, and you are too feeble and lazy to change the situation. Go on taking advantage of his extraordinary good nature by all means, but don't be surprised when he looks outside your marriage for a woman who takes his self-esteem seriously. Additionally, consider what you have already taught your daughter - that she can dominate you by throwing a tantrum - which is a definition of bullying. So you are not only fouling up your own relationship but also laying up trouble for any man or woman who has a relationship with your daughter in the future. I can picture her in twenty years' time posting on Mumsnet "AIBU to ask my DP to wipe my bottom and change my tampons morning and evening"?

mysteryfairy · 14/03/2017 22:23

My 15 year old DD tends to sleep with me every night DH isn't here so maybe a third to a half of the time. She's fine in her own room, but just prefers to be in with me if there's only us two home. I know two of her best friends do the same with their mums, both of whom are divorced and no new partners. So don't assume it will stop with age. If it's a problem in your marriage you ought to tackle it.

Porpoiselife · 14/03/2017 22:24

Could you try getting her to choose some new bedding? Maybe choose a new 'bedtime' teddy? A fancy nightlight ? Then put her to bed in her own bed and tell her you'll sit in with her until she nods off?

It's just a case of being firm about it really and she might get upset but you're going to have to do it sooner or later. Maybe write down the suggestions posted here and give them all a try. Good luck

Familyof3or4 · 14/03/2017 22:24

Rivers our dd doesn't starfish but like to sleep longitudinally between me and dp. Used to being on the edge now!

DJBaggySmalls · 14/03/2017 22:24

Give her a teddy bear, let her choose one, and when you move she has to sleep in her own room with the bear for company.
she could also have some story tapes to fall asleep to.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 14/03/2017 22:25

I come from this as a child who co slept so maybe that biases my view, but I wouldn't force it. Make arrangements so your husband can come back, whether that be a single on the side of your bed or a mattress on the floor for DD. My parents were very relaxed proper hippies about cosleeping. I did it, my sister never wanted to. I was a keen cosleeper until I was 7 and then literally gave it up overnight and wanted to be in my own bed with my own space.

DD2 is a great lone sleeper and happy to be on her own, but DD1 who has a personality very like mine, likes to be in our bed. So we've made adjustments and let her when she wants to.

As someone else said upthread, humans sleeping alone is a very modern idea. It's much more natural for everyone to be together. Don't put her in a position where she's frightened and lonely. That won't help her sleeping.

Kahlua4me · 14/03/2017 22:25

Dd used to sleep with us until she was about 5. We went on holiday that summer and the main bed was only a double so no room for her. She tried a couple of times to get in but then gave up and didn't resort to it once home either.

Perhaps you could start planning other sleeping ng in her own room once you move. Would the dc share a room? Ours used to share and both loved it. May be worth contacting a sleep clinic/expert and start working with them prior to the move....

EB123 · 14/03/2017 22:26

I am a big fan of bedsharing but everyone needs to be happy with the situation and your DH isn't. I used to get into bed with my mum until I was a teen (not every night), my dad worked nights so it worked fine, so don't assume she will grow out of it soon.

OvO · 14/03/2017 22:27

Why is the DH some sort of saint according to some on this thread?

He took himself to another room for peace and left his DW to it. From the sounds of it has left the OP to deal with the DD.

His daughter so his responsibility too ffs.

WobblyLegs5 · 14/03/2017 22:27

Get her to choose her own room in the new house. Make it a daddy & daughter project where she helps him decorate, chooses her own furniture. Make bed time daddy's job. If you are doing it she will cling to the old routine of wanting to snuggle up to you. If he is the parent unhappy with it then he should change it.

My 6 yrold comes in with us some nights. Much less now she has her 'grown up girl' bed but when she needs extra comfort she sneaks in to us in the night. Her sister on the other hand sleeps all night in her bed but us much clingier with me during they day. They know how to get their needs met. That's normal.

SuperBeagle · 14/03/2017 22:27

Yes, YABU.

You've effectively allowed your child - who has her own bed - to kick your husband out of his bed, for no good reason at all.

6.5 is far too old to still be sleeping with you.

HermioneJeanGranger · 14/03/2017 22:27

If your husband was happy, he wouldn't have mentioned it. She needs to be in her own bed.

Witchend · 14/03/2017 22:29

Ds was still climbing into our bed pretty much every night at 6.5yo. he's now 9yo and only does it occasionally, usually when he's ill or something's unsettled him.

But he would wriggle between me and dh, and we've only got the smallest size of double.

Chickendipper12 · 14/03/2017 22:29

Im strict with bedtime.
My two year old and 6 month old have never been aloud in my bed.
I would just put your foot down. You and dh need to be on board. Let her cry it out or whatever needs to be done.
Treat dc2 for sleeping in her own bed. Anything you can think of.
With dh working, and dd being in bed with you where is both of yours and dh time?
Sure you do family activities but when do you both get to be husband and wife?

I get sometimes you dont want to battle but this is one you need to win for yours and dh sake.

Good luck mama you can do it! Xx

Imamouseduh · 14/03/2017 22:30

I think it's more important that you sleep in the same bed as your husband. your daughter is more than old enough to be sleeping in her own bed, however hard the battle is to get her to do it'll surely be better in the long run. But he should be part of making it happen, it's not just your job.

cochineal7 · 14/03/2017 22:33

My 5yo slept in our bed most nights until recently. She would go to her own bed off to sleep (needs handholding though to fall asleep - another story) but then invariably came to ours. Often before midnight, if we were lucky much later. It was never a big issue for us until she started to wake up her little brother to join her... DS is a much better sleeper and slept happily in his own bed. I then got the tip to put a separate mattress next to our bed for her - so she can join but not quite. Had to be firm a few times, but much easier to be firm while lying in your own bed than to have to get out and go to her room to put her back. I could hold her hand or stroke her hair while still in my own bed. After a few weeks she decided the mattress was not interesting anymore and she now sleeps in her own room. It may not work for everyone, but you may try this?

ComeOnSpring · 14/03/2017 22:34

YABU

dietcokeandwine · 14/03/2017 22:34

Thing is OP if you were single and fine with it, it wouldn't be a problem. Nothing wrong with a 6yo cosleeping if the adults in the equation are happy with it.

But one of the adults in this equation isn't happy with it and that's a problem. Actually, it's more specific than that: it seems you would rather (from your posts) share a bed with DD than DH anyway and that's a big problem.

There was a thread recently where a mum of twins (can't remember their exact age) was having a nightmare with them climbing into bed with her every night and quite literally wanting to lie on top of her. She got tough as I remember and actually cracked the problem quite quickly...I suspect that with a bit of consistency and tough love you could crack the problem with your DD quite quickly too, but I wonder whether you really want to.

Girliefriendlikesflowers · 14/03/2017 22:36

I think letting a 6.5yo call the shots over where she sleeps is madness!

Just woman up, tell her she is a big girl now and needs to sleep in her own bed, every time she gets out of it put her back!!

Are there any other problems in your marriage that make it a convenient excuse to have your dd in your bed rather than your dh?

TealStar · 14/03/2017 22:37

My mind's boggling at the thought of my parents ever allowing this kind of carry on when I was 6.5

But I guess things have changed since then we're a generation of wet parents Sorry OP, but for the sake of your marriage you MUST lay down the law here. Your poor dh, this is so wrong. Your did is basically being told that her rights to her dad's OWN BED are greater than his.

MrsCrabbyTree · 14/03/2017 22:38

Could you start the ball rolling by getting your daughter to agree to 1 night a week for a little while. She may possibly find this less daunting than a sudden complete stop to what she is used to and likes to do.

TealStar · 14/03/2017 22:38

*dd not did

Geist · 14/03/2017 22:38

6.5 is a little big but I can't say much as dd was 5 before I got her into her own bed. I was a single parent however so no one else to consider.

I sat with her on her bed until she went to sleep and made a huge thing about her going to sleep there for the start of the night was all I expected and she could come in later and gradually progressed it up from there. You may find if your dh comes into bed she might clock there is less room for her and better off in her own.

Good luck, it is difficult. Some children just seem more attached and need that comfort there a bit longer I think but 6.5 is old enough.

hideehigh · 14/03/2017 22:38

If I was your second child I might grow up resenting the relationship you have with DD1 and feel that she is your favourite with special treatment.
If I was your husband I would have left.

I would put my 6.5 yo in her own bed

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