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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bizarre upsetting situation

173 replies

Ellaenchanted10 · 14/03/2017 19:58

This is my first post so bear with me. I've been with dh for 12 years and we have one dd together and are expecting another this year. We live 10 mins down the road from MIL and FIL and see them every week/2 weeks (although mil often pops in on week days too to see dd). He's always been close with his family or at least that's the impression I've been given over the years - we even lived with them for 3.

Since the beginning of the year my husband has been increasingly reluctant to see them always making excuses when they ask to go for lunches, pop round for a visit or take dd out for the day. It's come to the point where it's incredibly obvious and after speaking to dh about it he's told me he wants to cut contact. I really don't know what to make of this its completely out of the blue. I've asked over and over why and he just says he has no need for them in his life any more and it would be easier to just not see them. This has horrified me!!! I'm really close with my own family and could not imagine cutting anyone from my life especially without any kind of reason!! I'm seriously concerned about him and why he's made such a spontaneous decision which will really hurt his family.

A bit of insight into my relationship with MIL and FIL - we have always got on really well up until about 2 years ago. They started acting cold towards me MIL being highly passive aggressive and FIL just downright rude and aggressive (really don't know which is worse). DH has noticed this and thinks it's because we had a very busy year during that period and were unable to see them often (I had hyperemsis and hardly got out of bed most weekends and DH had huge work commitments meaning he didn't have time for anyone). He thinks they blame me for this and tried to keep them from DH although we can't figure out why? Anyway since then its been frosty but they've kept up visits and I occasionally will make up an excuse to leave dd with MIL during the week for an hour or 2 so they get quality time together and rarely refuse her when she asks to visit. Saying all of this I have no idea if this has impacted his decision or not - he claims no but I am clutching at straws as it seems bizarre. Have spoken to SIL about this which DH is a little miffed about as she came round to talk to him and he says it's none of her business. She's very upset and has begged him to reconsider cutting their parents out. SIL has confirmed to me that they have noticed the increasing distance and think it's me trying to stop them from seeing DD which I fully expected as DH has always been a bit of a golden boy in their family. DH thinks I need to drop the subject, accept his decision and stop dramatising everything - he's put it down to pregnancy hormones. I don't think I'm dramatising. I think this IS a big deal and a big mistake which he can't take back once its done and they miss out on dd and new baby's early years. AIBU? Or is he? And more importantly WWYD?

OP posts:

gluteustothemaximus · 15/03/2017 02:20

PILs sound toxic. Your DH sounds like he's had enough, and men aren't always so good with talking and emotions.

There won't be 'no reason'. It takes some of us years before we realise how toxic relationships are. Sounds like he's reached that point.

Blood isn't thicker than water. Family isn't everything. Life is stupidly short to be unhappy or made unhappy by others. Support him with his wishes, and the reasons may out soon. This will not be easy for him, and won't be a decision made lightly.

Lots of luck to you both x

NightWanderer · 15/03/2017 04:50

it is all very odd. You mentioned your MIL is passive aggressive. Is your OH as well? It is worrying that he will cut them off for no obvious reason and perhaps it's worth mentioning that to him.

In my case, my Ex was abusive. I suspect he told his parents a lot of things about me that weren't true to drive a wedge between us. They actually called him out on his lazy selfish behavior which is why he stopped seeing them but told me a totally different reason. I wouldn't necessarily trust your husband because let's face it he's not being open and honest about the situation and there is something in the responses here that doesn't seem to resonate with you. Like there's something niggling at the back of your mind that there's more to this.

PollytheDolly · 15/03/2017 05:07

Catching up on here.

My gut is telling me by the details coming out that this issue your DH has goes all the way back to his childhood. His parents are toxic. He has tried and tried but they just can't help themselves can they? Imagine growing up in that environment. They sound in denial, as does SIL.

Don't push him too much too soon. It might be very painful for him to open up about it all right now. And don't expect this to ever be a normal family dynamic, that's never going to happen. Maybe your DH already knows that.

TinselTwins · 15/03/2017 10:16

Ah come on tinsel not very nice people is one thing but I'm going NC and will discuss it no further? He may have valid reasons but he's being unfair to his wife by refusing to tell her what they might be. After all, their treatment of her was Ops best guess and he says that's not it

She's witnessed their bad behaviour and played it down. Its hard enough to say "enough" without people telling you "but… FAMILY" like the OP does.

She's not in the dark, she's had snapshots of their toxicity, does he really have to spell out how that times a lifetime has played out to someone who answers with "nobody's family is perfect"?

She's saying she doesn't know why, but it sounds like she would know why if she wasn't so used to brushing off bad behaviour because she thinks that "family" gives people a lifetime pass to treat people however they want.

If she doesn't get it from witnessing it, is it any wonder he doesn't feel keen right now to talk about it?

gluteustothemaximus · 15/03/2017 15:41

Spot on Tinsel.

TinselTwins · 15/03/2017 17:54

I suspect that if the DH feels the OP is asking to listen, rather than asking so she can suggest ways to fix things, and by "fix things" I mean, push him to have contact, which wouldn't actualy fix anything from the DH's point of view, then the DH would be more open to a discussion about it. Just a guess...

buttfacedmiscreant · 15/03/2017 19:22

I completely agree with Tinsel. OP, you seem willing to whitewash bad behaviour and so if I were your husband I would be reluctant to give my reasons only to once again hear "yes, they can be horrible, but they are FAAAAHHHHMILLLEEEEEEEE"

Pallisers · 15/03/2017 19:51

So the OP's husband tells her " he is adamant that there is no reason including their relationship with him."

but Tinsel and others are able to deduce these reasons the OP's husband is denying exist and furthermore blame the OP for her husband's refusal to tell her. You see it is all her fault for trying to fix things (where did you get that from) and from whitewashing bad behaviour (again where??). Nice.

Italiangreyhound · 15/03/2017 20:03

Tinsel I think you may be right.

Remember also OP said there had been alcoholism with his parents. That could be tough on children.

TowerRavenSeven · 15/03/2017 20:03

Yabu in a way. This has happened to dh and me too with his parents except for the fact I've never gotten on greatly with them though we are all civil. I think he's realized after 16 years of marriage and time to think about it that his parents were not there for him when he was growing up and even now forget about him! It has been so incredibly hard even though I don't like my mil not to remind dh about birthdays and such.
So I've limited it to reminding about birthday and Christmas as that's it.

My own mother's been gone years and I see no reason to bug dh about Mother's Day when my own mother is dead. Dh remembers if he wants to and I think you should respect your dh's wishes, hard as that might be.

TowerRavenSeven · 15/03/2017 20:07

Sorry had to add that dh's mother has been an alcoholic for years and ds had a sibling with special needs and a father that mentally checked out. Incredibly hard childhood.

HashiAsLarry · 15/03/2017 20:16

Being stuck in a golden child/scapegoat dynamic isn't easy on either side. Don't rule out the prospect that as your second child is about to be born he may not want to risk them splitting your dc this way.

Italiangreyhound · 15/03/2017 23:05

OP I seem to remember there were some alcohol issues mentioned but now cannot find it so wonder if I imagined it.

Were there alcohol issues for his parents?

You said early on "They do have a family history of people doing this which is odd. Apart from MIL, FIL and SIL there are very few other family members that still talk all seemingly with no real reason." Doesn't this suggest that maybe others too have an issue with them that they are not happy to talk about?

Re "He used to go for drinks with his dad but this stopped a long time ago." Do you know why this stopped?

OP you said "My own DM and DF have said things to upset me before - we've had blazing rows over things but I would never cut them out just as I wouldn't expect them to cut me out" What strikes me is you said "My own DM and DF have said things to upset me before" do you mean on purpose said thing to upset you or what they said upset you?

Re "I'm not going to pretend I will miss them - it's been stressful to see them the past two years because I never know if it'll be a good day or a bad day." Maybe they will learn to change and things might be different in the future, or they will not. But you have admitted you will not miss them. Maybe your kids will not miss them either.

TheMaddHugger · 16/03/2017 00:03

tinsel ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

TheRealPooTroll · 16/03/2017 00:55

Maybe he thinks 2 years of his child witnessing his parents acting like cunts towards their mother is enough? Whether you mind or not.
I agree that 'it would be easier not to see them' would be a strange reason to cut if they were decent people. But from what you've said I'm surprised either of you wanted to see them for this long.

lalalalyra · 16/03/2017 01:09

I'm surprised you still want anything to do with them.

You might be prepared to accept them treating you like shit, but it seems that your husband has hit his limit with them.

Perhaps he's just realised that he doesn't want your DC to suffer their treatment?

Sometimes in an abusive relationship it's not a big moment that becomes the proverbial straw, it's a seemingly unimportant one that breaks it.

EatSpamAmandaLamb · 16/03/2017 01:36

Any update OP?

JonesMalone · 16/03/2017 14:15

Just really echoing what others have said.
My first impression is that they have been bad mouthing you and he isn't willing to take it.
We have no contact with my inlaws (ATM) and when hubby talks about the possibility of being NC permanently he will often use similar terms to your hubby - 'I don't need them in my life' etc. Truth is, although there have been times where they appeared close, it was always on their terms. As soon as a situation arose that didn't suit them 100% they were off and abusive to boot.
As tough as it is you need to trust your husband. He needs to open up a bit more but you also need to let him know that he has your support.
There is more to it than he is letting on

TinselTwins · 16/03/2017 14:32

OP if you're still about, do you think showing him this thread might be a good conversation opener?

WannaBe · 16/03/2017 14:38

So, the OP should trust her husband, but her husband doesn't trust her does he? He won't tell her the reason why he has decided to go NC, people on here have assumed that it's because of how his parents have treated her, but nobody actually knows whether that's true, because even when the OP asked, he denied it. If it was true he would have admitted it, surely?

Anyone who can just cut contact with someone without so much as a backward glance or an explanation to those they are closest to is not to be trusted IMO. If he can do it to them, then he can do it to her.

user1489679054 · 16/03/2017 15:47

I feel like there's more to this. Is there a reason he might want you kept away from them? Something they might know he doesn't want you to?

If it were me I'd suspect something underhand on his part he's trying to keep from you.

MarikaPepper · 09/04/2017 15:51

Perhaps he's having an affair OP

Booboostwo · 09/04/2017 20:29

Very odd situation.

This decision could be entirely out of the blue but it would be so irrational in such a case as to make you wonder about your DH's mental well being.

Or the PILs did something to him that he is not ready to discuss with you.

Or the PILs said something about you that is so hurtful your DH is trying to protect you.

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