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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bizarre upsetting situation

173 replies

Ellaenchanted10 · 14/03/2017 19:58

This is my first post so bear with me. I've been with dh for 12 years and we have one dd together and are expecting another this year. We live 10 mins down the road from MIL and FIL and see them every week/2 weeks (although mil often pops in on week days too to see dd). He's always been close with his family or at least that's the impression I've been given over the years - we even lived with them for 3.

Since the beginning of the year my husband has been increasingly reluctant to see them always making excuses when they ask to go for lunches, pop round for a visit or take dd out for the day. It's come to the point where it's incredibly obvious and after speaking to dh about it he's told me he wants to cut contact. I really don't know what to make of this its completely out of the blue. I've asked over and over why and he just says he has no need for them in his life any more and it would be easier to just not see them. This has horrified me!!! I'm really close with my own family and could not imagine cutting anyone from my life especially without any kind of reason!! I'm seriously concerned about him and why he's made such a spontaneous decision which will really hurt his family.

A bit of insight into my relationship with MIL and FIL - we have always got on really well up until about 2 years ago. They started acting cold towards me MIL being highly passive aggressive and FIL just downright rude and aggressive (really don't know which is worse). DH has noticed this and thinks it's because we had a very busy year during that period and were unable to see them often (I had hyperemsis and hardly got out of bed most weekends and DH had huge work commitments meaning he didn't have time for anyone). He thinks they blame me for this and tried to keep them from DH although we can't figure out why? Anyway since then its been frosty but they've kept up visits and I occasionally will make up an excuse to leave dd with MIL during the week for an hour or 2 so they get quality time together and rarely refuse her when she asks to visit. Saying all of this I have no idea if this has impacted his decision or not - he claims no but I am clutching at straws as it seems bizarre. Have spoken to SIL about this which DH is a little miffed about as she came round to talk to him and he says it's none of her business. She's very upset and has begged him to reconsider cutting their parents out. SIL has confirmed to me that they have noticed the increasing distance and think it's me trying to stop them from seeing DD which I fully expected as DH has always been a bit of a golden boy in their family. DH thinks I need to drop the subject, accept his decision and stop dramatising everything - he's put it down to pregnancy hormones. I don't think I'm dramatising. I think this IS a big deal and a big mistake which he can't take back once its done and they miss out on dd and new baby's early years. AIBU? Or is he? And more importantly WWYD?

OP posts:
highinthesky · 14/03/2017 21:50

You have been given no good reason to cut off your own and DC's contact with your PILs. So don't do it until you have.

Make it clear to DH that you will listen, share his pain but not get involved in this yourself and certainly not deprive DC of grandparental love.

Crickeycrumbsblimey · 14/03/2017 21:51

You can tell him you don't believe a decent human being cuts his family out of his and his children's life for no reason.
You therefore know there must be a reason as he is a decent man.
You understand he isn't willing and able to discuss whatever it is right now but hope he will share it in the future.

I would be concerned about the history of depression, as a key symptom can be isolating yourself to protect from hurt.

That said they do sound like gits of the highest order. Your FIL can say pregnancy isn't a disease when he has given birth!

buttfacedmiscreant · 14/03/2017 21:53

"I would just make sure your inlaws hAve a regular weekly time to look after your kids and agree this with your oh - he can stay nc - you drop off and pick up. Invent a reason to need this babysitting if you must. "

This sounds completely fraught with problems. Unless DH says he is 100% behind this I would stay well clear of ILs. He knows them best and he has his reasons, even if he hasn't shared them. I know if I were in DHs position I would find it really disloyal of my partner for them and my children to keep seeing my parents when I had gone NC.

diddl · 14/03/2017 21:53

From what you've written about how they have treated you I can't see why you find this so odd or need an explanation at all.

I don't think that your kids are going to miss anything by not having these horrible people in their lives.

Birdandsparrow · 14/03/2017 21:54

It's quite possible to think you are really close to your parents, you know they can be difficult, but then there are excuses for that (like, they had hard lives growing up or whatever) so you kind of excuse it and they are always so financially generous. Once you have children it all changes and you see things in a different light. Maybe your parents get more difficult, pushed out a bit and not your sole focus any more. The scales start to fall and you see dysfunction and enmeshed lives where once you saw closeness. They push it once too far and you snap.

TinselTwins · 14/03/2017 21:54

A lot of very emotionally UNsupportive parents use money to control and manipulate their adult children, it's given with one hand and then used as emotional blackmail forever more. This may or may not be the case with the OPs parents, but it does mean that just becaus they gave money, doesn't mean they were once "supportive"

Dito him gushing about them at his wedding, it may have been genuine, or it may have been an adult child still desperately trying to make a shit relationship with his parents work and saying lots of nice things to keep things peaceful and brushing the shit under the carpet until it all got too much.

None of that is "proof" one way or another that the DH's problems with his parents are recent!

Original poster
Ellaenchanted10 · 14/03/2017 21:55

I know diddl but he denies that their treatment of me is the issue (that's just the only thing I can think of). This is why I find it odd - he says there is no reason.

OP posts:
Birdandsparrow · 14/03/2017 21:56

By financially generous, I mean that you feel indebted ( and indeed it is always thrown back in your face in any disagreements)

buttfacedmiscreant · 14/03/2017 22:02

Ella, do you love and trust your DH? Does he have form for doing things for no reason? I know my DH doesn't, so if he did this I'd have to trust that he had his reasons.

Maybe his parents are treating him poorly, trying to push him around, perhaps they are being verbally grabby with his child or maybe he is sick of being the golden child and always having to live up to that. Who knows. In the end does it really matter? Should he be allowed as an adult to decide who he has in his life?

Mistybeaver · 14/03/2017 22:05

By accepting the money the son opened the door for his parents to interfere, and be opinionated. He must have known what they were like and that strings would be attached to any gifted money. If he truly wishes to cut them off, and he may have very valid reasons, he needs to pay the money back and then he can be truly independent of them. This is my opinion, I would not wish to be beholden to anyone let alone people I chose to cut out of mine and my families lives .

Roomba · 14/03/2017 22:06

How many threads do we read on here where husbands won't back their wives up when dealing with dreadful PILs? If your PIL have spent the last two years slagging you off behind your back and being awful to you, no wonder he wants to cut contact. Yet you seem to be searching for some other reason he may be pissed off with them? Surely any decent husband would be unhappy with them after the last two years?

TinselTwins · 14/03/2017 22:07

but he denies that their treatment of me is the issue

I'm gonna guess it was the final issue, the last straw, but not the ISSUE-issue IYKWIM

I sometimes think that people with normal families think that people who go NC had a "falling out", like there was a row over X or Y - a disagreement, a solid "reason" or event….

…. it's not like that for many of us, it's just coming to the end of the road with putting energy into a relationship that makes us unhappy. There's no big gossip or story behind it, just had enough. Of it all. All the little things not just the big things. Tired of the bad outweighing any good etc..

Original poster
Ellaenchanted10 · 14/03/2017 22:08

Yes I do trust him. He is usually the most rational, intelligent person in my life. It seems unlike him to make such a huge decision with no grounds.

He probably is a bit sick of being "golden child" - he's had a lot of expectation put on him over the years and although successful he is really hard on himself if things aren't perfect (this is why work has been such a source of stress for him over the years).

He is allowed to make his own decisions. I will support him as best I can - he is an absolutely wonderful hands on father and husband and I do feel incredibly lucky to have him.

OP posts:
TinselTwins · 14/03/2017 22:10

By accepting the money the son opened the door for his parents to interfere, and be opinionated. He must have known what they were like and that strings would be attached to any gifted money

People don't stop wanting their parents affection or approval once they are adults! Adult children in dysfunctional families want everything to be fine and normal and go along with things for years before reaching saturation point. He's walking away from the money now, it's not like he's still taking money and not seeing them.

buttfacedmiscreant · 14/03/2017 22:10
Flowers
rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 14/03/2017 22:10

I'd suspect he has come across family information of some kind and that's what he's basing the decision on and is not able to tell you.

bignamechangeroonie · 14/03/2017 22:11

I'd want much more of an explanation, particularly as you sound entirely rational OP and not overly emotional about this at all.

Cutting contact with no obvious reason and not talking about it in a family that doesn't talk about it means that it could easily restart again with no one actually saying anything !

If he's depressed and suddenly starts talking to them again you could get blamed by everyone including your DH for not trying to force some clarity previously. He can say 'oh I was ill and not thinking clearly' but you'll have no excuse

And they're good grandparents, he's not seriously going to deprive them of your daughter and now the baby?

If you were driving this I'd be entirely on your side if you wanted to be no contact with them.

HashiAsLarry · 14/03/2017 22:12

Yy to what tinsel said

When he's says nothing, he probably means nothing in one tangible lump that would make you think I'm not mad. There'll be resentment there from things he probably doesn't want to be told 'but you carried on after that' or 'you sucked that up' to.

When I cut my sister out the final straw was an argument. One that on its own would have people thinking that was fairly normal between families and nothing to go that extreme over. But it was the last thing in what was a long like the fortnight previously, let alone the last couple of decades. I'd gotten to the point I couldn't excuse her shit anymore just because 'that's what she was like'.

TinselTwins · 14/03/2017 22:15

Exactly Hashi
that's the problem when you're in a "death by 1000 paper cuts" relationship:
If you try to give examples of what the problem was to someone who hasn't experiened it, you sound petty, because in isolation, none of it sounds all that bad

People really want a nice neat "story" out of you, they want you to tell them there was some shocking secret row, and not just the 10,000th tiny one

GloriaGaynor · 14/03/2017 22:17

I guess I don't really understand why you're angsting about this. They're his parents, they're not particularly nice, it's his decision.

It's not as if you really like them and are going to miss them.

My granny was awful, dominating and boring to boot. If my dad had decided we didn't have to see her, we'd have been over the moon. And had nicer Christmases.

GloriaGaynor · 14/03/2017 22:20

Pressed send too soon - I meant to say I understand why you want to know his reasons and that's fair enough.

Just ask him to be honest if he's doing this to protect you, that you don't need to know the details, but you need to have some understanding of his reasoning.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/03/2017 22:21

I would trust your DH on this one OP and let's assume there is a shit
Load he isn't telling you - yet

But make it clear that whilst you support
Him he need to help you
Navigate this

TinselTwins · 14/03/2017 22:22

Their own child doesn't want them in his life, for reasons nobody on here knows, and posters are telling the OP to bring her children to see them without him?

Have the discussion, sure, offer the DH to be a go between, but I'ld listen to their child if he says the kids are better without them!

HashiAsLarry · 14/03/2017 22:22

Death by 1000 paper cuts is a great description tinsel

op I wonder if you used that phrase your dh may open up or at least agree.

Sunshineandlaughter · 14/03/2017 22:24

noone has said take kids behind his back - discuss and agree with him that's how it'll be done

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