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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bizarre upsetting situation

173 replies

Ellaenchanted10 · 14/03/2017 19:58

This is my first post so bear with me. I've been with dh for 12 years and we have one dd together and are expecting another this year. We live 10 mins down the road from MIL and FIL and see them every week/2 weeks (although mil often pops in on week days too to see dd). He's always been close with his family or at least that's the impression I've been given over the years - we even lived with them for 3.

Since the beginning of the year my husband has been increasingly reluctant to see them always making excuses when they ask to go for lunches, pop round for a visit or take dd out for the day. It's come to the point where it's incredibly obvious and after speaking to dh about it he's told me he wants to cut contact. I really don't know what to make of this its completely out of the blue. I've asked over and over why and he just says he has no need for them in his life any more and it would be easier to just not see them. This has horrified me!!! I'm really close with my own family and could not imagine cutting anyone from my life especially without any kind of reason!! I'm seriously concerned about him and why he's made such a spontaneous decision which will really hurt his family.

A bit of insight into my relationship with MIL and FIL - we have always got on really well up until about 2 years ago. They started acting cold towards me MIL being highly passive aggressive and FIL just downright rude and aggressive (really don't know which is worse). DH has noticed this and thinks it's because we had a very busy year during that period and were unable to see them often (I had hyperemsis and hardly got out of bed most weekends and DH had huge work commitments meaning he didn't have time for anyone). He thinks they blame me for this and tried to keep them from DH although we can't figure out why? Anyway since then its been frosty but they've kept up visits and I occasionally will make up an excuse to leave dd with MIL during the week for an hour or 2 so they get quality time together and rarely refuse her when she asks to visit. Saying all of this I have no idea if this has impacted his decision or not - he claims no but I am clutching at straws as it seems bizarre. Have spoken to SIL about this which DH is a little miffed about as she came round to talk to him and he says it's none of her business. She's very upset and has begged him to reconsider cutting their parents out. SIL has confirmed to me that they have noticed the increasing distance and think it's me trying to stop them from seeing DD which I fully expected as DH has always been a bit of a golden boy in their family. DH thinks I need to drop the subject, accept his decision and stop dramatising everything - he's put it down to pregnancy hormones. I don't think I'm dramatising. I think this IS a big deal and a big mistake which he can't take back once its done and they miss out on dd and new baby's early years. AIBU? Or is he? And more importantly WWYD?

OP posts:
TinselTwins · 14/03/2017 23:11

There has to be a very real possibility that the ILs phone her or show up at the door upset and asking why they can no longer see GC. What does Op say or do?
how about "It's DHs decision and I respect that"

AcrossthePond55 · 14/03/2017 23:12

If he's bound and determined to say there is 'no reason' (which cannot be true) then all you can do is say "If it's that important to you, of course I will support your decision. I know you wouldn't make it lightly therefore I also know that there is some reason for it. Right now you aren't willing to share that reason with me. There's nothing you could tell me that would change the love I have for you so I hope someday that you'll feel comfortable in telling me".

UptownFlunk · 14/03/2017 23:13

I really hate it when people say that 'family is important' to them so they couldn't just cut a family member off - the implication being that anyone with a dysfunctional family that goes no contact is just not trying hard enough, or they don't have the morals of people who persevere regardless. As if people would walk away from their family if they were just a bit difficult. You don't have to stay in touch with family if they aren't nice to you, there's no law saying you do and you won't win any points for doing so. Life is too short to spend it with horrible people.

You should support your husband, if he's as good, reasonable and kind a man as you say then you should trust his judgement. Also, ask yourself why you are so wedded to the idea of putting up with people who treat you so poorly. I would place a bet on the fact that they are vile about you behind your back and that is what has caused your husband to see them differently. You should also think about why you are exposing your child to these people. Once she becomes less compliant she will be less attractive to them , this usually happens in teenage years when it's much harder to shield children from the fall-out.

TinselTwins · 14/03/2017 23:13

Why are you so keen for the OP to burn her bridges? She seems diplomatic and that is the way it should stay

What bridges?
With her ILs (who don't like her much) or with her DH?

and FWIW, going NC is rarely "burning bridges" - it's just getting off a collapsing rotten one before you drown!

highinthesky · 14/03/2017 23:14

Tinsel this is not about you so why are you bringing your own personal shit to the party?

Family means different things for different people. Surely you can accept that what was right for you may not be a solution for everyone? I find this the most puzzling part of the thread.

Italiangreyhound · 14/03/2017 23:18

OP I am with Beryl it seems, on this thread, you've excused your parents in laws bad behavior towards you and your own mothers. I have no idea how good or bad your own mum is but I do think maybe the fact you have accepted your mum's own not so great behaviour and this has lowered your expectations of what is normal in families.

Maybe you could start with an honest discussion where you begin b y supporting him in this, ask how it will work practically, ask what he would like you to do in relation to this and see if more comes from him.

I would want my in-laws to know this has come from him, and I was supporting him.

Good luck.

TinselTwins · 14/03/2017 23:19

Tinsel this is not about you so why are you bringing your own personal shit to the party?
Everyone posting on here is doing so from their own perspectives, I have never presented mine as anything other than a possibility, can't say that for some other though so why attack me?

Family means different things for different people. Surely you can accept that what was right for you may not be a solution for everyone? I find this the most puzzling part of the thread And what family means to the OP is different to what family means to her DH, clearly, so varying perspectives of family on this thread can surely only help!

Besides which, it's a done deal, nobody is telling anyone to go NC, it's already done! Her DH has done it, the discussion here is whether the OP should support her spouse or her ILs…. woulda thought that was a no brainer but others disagree, and that's okay, in our disagreements the OP may find her own way...

EatsShitAndLeaves · 14/03/2017 23:24

In fairness to Tinsel I think what can often be good about MN is that people DO bring their own experience to the topic.

It's not to say that projecting that specifically is always appropriate, but after years on the site it's fair to say you do see the same traits in people occur again and again.

Italiangreyhound · 14/03/2017 23:25

High " She seems diplomatic and that is the way it should stay."

This is not diplomacy, it is a lack of assertiveness. A desire or willingness to put up with something that is not right in one's own life for the sake of others is not diplomacy. I'd say it was more a form of martyrdom. There are genuine forms of martyrdom, like taking care of a cantankerous relative for a while, and knowing they are treating you badly. And then there is not expecting people to treat you better.

I sense from the OP she is a lovely kind person who does not expect to be treated any better by her in laws than she is. And much as I feel she is a kind person in the long run this does not do her any favours. And is not good for her kids or her dh IMHO.

HashiAsLarry · 14/03/2017 23:25

Wtf is this don't bring your own experiences into this crap?

Op is querying why her dh is doing this. People with varying similar experiences are giving her ideas. Isn't that the point?

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 14/03/2017 23:30

tinsel it's not already done. Op has stated that they see them very regularly. The DH has avoided them but op and dc have been seeing them. So it seems to me Op is now being put in a position where she has to enforce the NC decision he has made. Pretty bloody difficult for her and she deserves some discussion about it.

The possible reason people are giving on this thread i.e. the ILs treatment of her may very well be valid but he has said this is not why he wants to do it.

GabsAlot · 14/03/2017 23:33

i could very well see hes hda enough and is not just one thing

i do think theyve prob said some things about u that he just cant repeat so is pretending its nothing to do with you-to protect you

however he ha to be the one to tell them it shouldnt fall to u

TinselTwins · 14/03/2017 23:36

And as I posted before, they should have a discussion about the children.

He's made his decision though, what needs to happen is to clarify whether his decison to cut contact means the kids too or not.

The OP is pushing for "whys" yet at the same time making statements about family being the most important thing etc… so that discussion needs some middle ground from the OP before the DH can really open up.

But that can take time, right now, it just seems that some clarification needs to come re. the kids.

TinselTwins · 14/03/2017 23:40

The OP isn't in a "difficult position" in the middle if she does not place herself there.

If she insists on taking the kids to see the IL, she will be, but she could chose to take a back seat and defer to DH on issues relation to DHs family!

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 14/03/2017 23:55

Oh come on Op hasn't insisted on anything going by what she's posted. He was avoiding them and eventually after speaking to him said he wanted to cut contact. No reason given other than he doesn't need them anymore, completely out of the blue from Ops perspective and in trying to find out why is told by her DH that she's dramatising due to pregnancy hormones! He also specifically says it's not because of their treatment of her.

There are obviously issues with his family here but Op has understandably been blind sided by this decision. The one where they go NC on his say so, where he shows no desire to actually make it clear to his parents he no longer wants them involved (that seems to be up to pregnant Op to deal with )and has no intention of having any proper discussion with his wife.

I'm all for people posting based on their experiences but really some people are being quite unfair to Op.

TinselTwins · 15/03/2017 00:10

Oh come on Op hasn't insisted on anything going by what she's posted the op hasn't, but posters have told her to

the OP has not been blind-sided! she already knows that they're not very nice people! - that's not new

EmeraldScorn · 15/03/2017 00:12

I'm in the minority here but husband or not I wouldn't be settling for "Just trust him" - Why would you trust a decision he has made when he has kept you in the dark about it? If he doesn't wish to continue contact with them that's his choice but that shouldn't mean that they are not allowed to see their grandchild(ren) - You've said yourself that they are good grandparents.

It doesn't really matter what they think of you or even him (as long as they are not running either of you down in front of the kids). My father's mother hated my mum but she was a lovely grandmother to us and that was enough for my mum because my mum wanted us to have extended family and as far as she was concerned what was best for her children always came before her own feelings.

He's hiding something from you!

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 15/03/2017 00:22

Ah come on tinsel not very nice people is one thing but I'm going NC and will discuss it no further? He may have valid reasons but he's being unfair to his wife by refusing to tell her what they might be. After all, their treatment of her was Ops best guess and he says that's not it.

I do wonder whether his history of depression is a factor here and maybe he needs to talk to someone. At the very least that might help him clarify his feelings and articulate what he wants. Otherwise how does this work? They live ten minutes away so they will bump into them. In the supermarket, on the school run, going to the park etc, how is Op to deal with this situation? You can phase out friends by being busy, forgetting to reply to texts and calls but harder to do with your ILs a couple of streets away.

What next? Will he decide they need to move cities to be away from them? Should Op just go along with that in the name of supporting her husband? The Op doesn't need to get to a middle ground he needs to start communicating with her.

Italiangreyhound · 15/03/2017 00:30

Emerald " If he doesn't wish to continue contact with them that's his choice but that shouldn't mean that they are not allowed to see their grandchild(ren) - You've said yourself that they are good grandparents."

How are they good, they show their dislike of their grandchildren's mum. How is that good?

"It doesn't really matter what they think of you or even him (as long as they are not running either of you down in front of the kids)."

And how will the OP know what they say since she is allowing them access to the children when she is not around.

"My father's mother hated my mum but she was a lovely grandmother to us and that was enough for my mum because my mum wanted us to have extended family and as far as she was concerned what was best for her children always came before her own feelings." Sadly, I think a lot of women are taught to put their own feelings to one side for the sake of others.

I don't think it helps kids to expose them to people who hate their parents. If it has not affected your own feelings towards your own mum, that is great. But I would not feel sure it would always be so for others. Not worth the risk in my book. If people can't keep their hatred to themselves they can't really be considered a good influence on children, can they?

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 15/03/2017 00:39

You're not wrong on that italian but surely if that is the reason the DH should be able to say so to his wife? We can all come up with reasons on his behalf but we can't know and more importantly the Op can't know if he refuses to tell her and shuts her down by telling her she's being dramatic and /or hormonal.

I can't think of many other scenarios on MN where an Op would be told to just accept her husbands decision on something which effects her and the dc without any discussion between them. Op is not refusing to support him she's just surprised at him coming to this and not clear why he's made this decision.

Italiangreyhound · 15/03/2017 00:52

That would be my reason not to allow grandparents contact with kids, if they were openly hostile to one or other parent. That may or may not be the OP's dh's reason.

personally I think what Beryl said up thread has a lot to do with it. Maybe the dh has been explaining and the OP has been minimizing. Or maybe there is a lot more to his and the OP's dh doesn't feel able to say yet.

I don't know.

"I can't think of many other scenarios on MN where an Op would be told to just accept her husbands decision on something which effects her and the dc without any discussion between them."

But there has been discussion and he has given a reason, it's just not enough of a reason for the OP.

Generally, I would agree, I would say the dh should not dictate, of course, but in this area he does know the parents a lot better then the OP.

"Op is not refusing to support him she's just surprised at him coming to this and not clear why he's made this decision." The OP has said she will support him, and I think she is right to be confused and concerned and I would totally support her wanting more communication. But I know that she has tried that. And has far not got anywhere. Maybe when her dh sees her support and has some practical conversations about how will this work, that maybe he will feel able to say more.

Italiangreyhound · 15/03/2017 00:53

a lot more to this not his!

And has so far not got anywhere.

buttfacedmiscreant · 15/03/2017 01:00

I wouldn't accept my husband's decision on anything, but I would if it mainly concerned him (i.e. if he wanted us to cut off contact with my family without saying why he could go jump) and if he was trustworthy in that regard... so I wouldn't trust him that he hadn't taken the dark chocolate biccies unless he expressly said he hadn't.

MrsMcMoo · 15/03/2017 01:34

Be bloody grateful he's standing up for you! Imagine if they were bad mouthing you and he was telling you not to be paranoid and saying how wonderful they were. He's a good egg. Listen to him!

Pallisers · 15/03/2017 01:39

Be bloody grateful he's standing up for you!

He isn't standing up for the OP and doesn't claim to be so I have no idea why OP should be grateful.

From the OP:

he just says he has no need for them in his life any more and it would be easier to just not see them

That is all she knows. He says nothing about what they did to OP being the final straw or finally seeing the light about their behaviour - just the above, according to the OP.

So absolutely no reason the OP should shut up and be grateful. And every reason, considering she is in a very intimate relationship and loves her husband, for her to wonder what is going on and hope that he would actually talk to her about it.