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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bizarre upsetting situation

173 replies

Ellaenchanted10 · 14/03/2017 19:58

This is my first post so bear with me. I've been with dh for 12 years and we have one dd together and are expecting another this year. We live 10 mins down the road from MIL and FIL and see them every week/2 weeks (although mil often pops in on week days too to see dd). He's always been close with his family or at least that's the impression I've been given over the years - we even lived with them for 3.

Since the beginning of the year my husband has been increasingly reluctant to see them always making excuses when they ask to go for lunches, pop round for a visit or take dd out for the day. It's come to the point where it's incredibly obvious and after speaking to dh about it he's told me he wants to cut contact. I really don't know what to make of this its completely out of the blue. I've asked over and over why and he just says he has no need for them in his life any more and it would be easier to just not see them. This has horrified me!!! I'm really close with my own family and could not imagine cutting anyone from my life especially without any kind of reason!! I'm seriously concerned about him and why he's made such a spontaneous decision which will really hurt his family.

A bit of insight into my relationship with MIL and FIL - we have always got on really well up until about 2 years ago. They started acting cold towards me MIL being highly passive aggressive and FIL just downright rude and aggressive (really don't know which is worse). DH has noticed this and thinks it's because we had a very busy year during that period and were unable to see them often (I had hyperemsis and hardly got out of bed most weekends and DH had huge work commitments meaning he didn't have time for anyone). He thinks they blame me for this and tried to keep them from DH although we can't figure out why? Anyway since then its been frosty but they've kept up visits and I occasionally will make up an excuse to leave dd with MIL during the week for an hour or 2 so they get quality time together and rarely refuse her when she asks to visit. Saying all of this I have no idea if this has impacted his decision or not - he claims no but I am clutching at straws as it seems bizarre. Have spoken to SIL about this which DH is a little miffed about as she came round to talk to him and he says it's none of her business. She's very upset and has begged him to reconsider cutting their parents out. SIL has confirmed to me that they have noticed the increasing distance and think it's me trying to stop them from seeing DD which I fully expected as DH has always been a bit of a golden boy in their family. DH thinks I need to drop the subject, accept his decision and stop dramatising everything - he's put it down to pregnancy hormones. I don't think I'm dramatising. I think this IS a big deal and a big mistake which he can't take back once its done and they miss out on dd and new baby's early years. AIBU? Or is he? And more importantly WWYD?

OP posts:
TinselTwins · 14/03/2017 21:14

On MN people are far to quick to shout "go NC!" Without considering that there are far-reaching implications to doing so

No, they really don't. It's not something you see people doing the moment they turn 18! it's something people resort to after a lifetime of hoping it'll work. Unless the OP's DH has just turned 18, this is NOT going to be a spur of the moment decision.. it'll be a long time coming

LoveDeathPrizes · 14/03/2017 21:15

Oh good god I hate them. Vile thing to do to you when you were poorly.

I think DH is protecting you. Let him.

Butterymuffin · 14/03/2017 21:16

Agree with Salty that it's the outcome where they will blame you for this, rather than him, that's not on. I would want to make it clear to them that I hadn't instigated this.

buttfacedmiscreant · 14/03/2017 21:18

Honestly it doesn't sound as if your family is terribly healthy. Healthy families don't tend to say "it is just who they are" in regards to poor behaviour. Your idea of normal may not be a very balanced one, especially if you have been brought up to believe that family is more important than treating each other with kindness and respect (not just when things are good).

If he is the golden boy it is damaging for him, and that behaviour will be damaging for your children as it continues. Their severe lack of boundaries (entering a private bedroom with a sick person in #1 and #2 after being told not to). That is not someone you want teaching your kids what normal families are like. Ever. Your kids will spend time alone with them when they are teens etc, do you want them to be treated that way? They will be.

It is likely as others have said that he isn't simply flicking a switch, that it has been building probably for decades and he is at peace now he has made a decision.

It sounds like you could do with having a neutral third party to talk to about this with you and your husband, it will probably get uglier when ILs realise he really really means business.

Sunshineandlaughter · 14/03/2017 21:20

I think they are being nasty about you and he is fed up of it and desperately trying to protect you by not telling you the reason.

buttfacedmiscreant · 14/03/2017 21:20

If you are cutting them out, why does it matter what they think about who instigated this? If they aren't involved in your life at all they can think what they like. They are highly unlikely to change so what does it achieve? SIL will almost certainly take ILs side regardless of who she believes is responsible. So will ILs.

BerylStreep · 14/03/2017 21:24

It sounds as if they are being thoroughly horrible about you to him, and he wants to cut ties as a result. He doesn't want to tell you the detail to spare your feelings.

Original poster
Ellaenchanted10 · 14/03/2017 21:26

Buttfacedmiscrent....I don't think it does matter if they think it's down to me. I never said it did....just commented that they would. I couldn't give a damn if they do! I'm confident My friendship with SIL will remain but if it doesn't I wish her well in the future - she is a lovely girl. DH has a lot of time for her and her DH

OP posts:
Mistybeaver · 14/03/2017 21:30

What dreadful people how dare they help their son and his wife buy a house and pay towards their wedding. Shame he didn't decide to cut them off before they did these terrible things. Bet he won't offer to pay any of their toxic money back.

Sunshineandlaughter · 14/03/2017 21:31

Oh misty - money doesn't mean niceness/love!! Come on

Original poster
Ellaenchanted10 · 14/03/2017 21:32

Also regarding the comment about me not being from a normal family...quite possibly true. We've had our moments and there have certainly been fallings out on a massive scale in the past. I don't for one second think My family is more normal than anyone else's - mine is just very different from his. And in terms of family being more important than being kind to others - no. It's not. But every single person has said out of line things in the past or behaved badly and to me family is about forgiving people (within reason) and accepting their flaws as long as they can apologise and at least make an effort to not repeat the same mistakes. That's what I meant when i said me DSIS know what DM is like - she's insensitive but doesn't mean any harm. The difference is I feel comfortable challenging my DM when she steps out of line whereas I don't with PIL. DH clearly doesn't either which is why he's choosing to cut them off instead.

OP posts:
Crickeycrumbsblimey · 14/03/2017 21:33

Whilst I agree you should trust him, it would also be good if he trusted you enough to tell you the truth.

Might not be now but if he admitted there was a reason and he will tell you when he is ready and able then I think that would be better for your relationship.

Sweets101 · 14/03/2017 21:34

Look up enmeshed families. If it resonates, maybe that is what your DH is experiencing.

WannaBe · 14/03/2017 21:34

But the problem with there being no actual back story is that if someone can casually announce that he no longer wants anything to do with his parents because he just doesn't need them any more then he can do that about anyone.

DH thought a lot about his parents at the wedding, no? So there's no guarantee that he will want to cut SIL out of his life soon enough as well, and expect the OP to do the same.

What about the OP's family? He might decide that as he doesn't need his family the OP doesn't need her's either, and suggest that she cut contact with them as well. Or if he and the OP have a row he may decide he doesn't need her and may simply walk away from her and his children.

It's ok to go NC if there are valid reasons. But given the OP is supposed to be his best friend, it's not ok to expect unconditional support without explanation.

I can't believe the amount of people who think that the OP should support him without being owed an explanation for this.

Bearing in mind he hasn't said there are good reasons which he simply doesn't want to talk about. He's simply said that he's decided he doesn't need them any more. Those are not the words of someone who has A, thought through his decision, or B, has the kind of relationship with his wife that he can talk to her about the things which are most important to him.

I absolutely wouldn't be supporting this without an explanation. I would in fact be concerned that he was heading for some kind of crisis, and would be seriously considering my position in the relationship. If he can do it to them, he can do it to you, and probably will at some point.

Original poster
Ellaenchanted10 · 14/03/2017 21:35

what a ridiculous thing to focus on after everything else that's been said misty. Money is most certainly not everything.

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 14/03/2017 21:36

I think the fact that he hasn't seen them for quite some time without you also being there is telling. Perhaps they behave better, or don't bitch about you when you are there with him.

highinthesky · 14/03/2017 21:36

OP, I am guessing there is a cultural aspect at play here.

Whatever happens you will be bad mouthed by your PILs. Stay friendly with them, but don't get in between your DH and his parents. And make sure that your parents are kept fully picture.

Original poster
Ellaenchanted10 · 14/03/2017 21:39

Wannabe - yes this. All of this concerns me. But I married him for a reason I believe he is a good decent guy and I have to trust him. I have to believe there is a reason and hope that he will one day open up. Obviously if he tried to cut someone from my own family or friends from my life I would not allow this.

OP posts:
Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 14/03/2017 21:40

It's not entirely ridiculous to mention money, they sound like they helped you get on the property ladder (financially), payed for some of the wedding, helped with decorating. That's actually quite a lot of help in the past couple of years if your husband was planning on unilaterally withdrawing from them and secretly was wanting to go no contact. That doesn't mean he has to be continue with them if he wants to go no contact, but it's strange that this didn't come up due to this type of involvement before, it's not like they were once a year polite visit and no interest in helping him out financially beforehand, it all makes for a more confusing picture.

It all does sound highly dysfunctional, and perhaps he has good reason, but perhaps he does not and he's depressed or this is how he deals with hard emotions. I would be worried for myself and for my children if this is a pattern of emotional behaviour, and I would also be worried if he wasn't really giving any reason behind it other than he simply doesn't want to do it anymore, what if he feels like that in the marriage, the lack of warning signs of his impending cutting them off for ever are worrying. What does he say if you say that to him?

Original poster
Ellaenchanted10 · 14/03/2017 21:45

The money thing is irrelevant to us in this situation because it certainly has had no bearing on the decision to go NC. We don't think like that. It was just bought up as an example of how we all used to get on and how supportive they once were.

I am concerned about all of the points you have raised but I have to go one way or another - I don't know what I can do short of asking the same thing over and over. He is not responding to this and I am certainly not going to leave him over it! If anybody has another solution I am all ears

OP posts:
buttfacedmiscreant · 14/03/2017 21:46

Ella, I was responding more to the people who said that ILs should know it isn't you that is pushing this. Not you :)

Yes all people make mistakes, sometimes big ones, but it is more excusing bad behaviour as "she didn't really mean that, she is just..." that is a problem, not that people are sometimes selfish, unkind etc.

Rubies12345 · 14/03/2017 21:46

I actually too think money might be the root of this.

Maybe they've been saying things like we gave you all that money and now you haven't been to see us in months. Or can we come to your house? (no) but we paid for it.

Like if there's a disagreement it's thrown in his face.

Sunshineandlaughter · 14/03/2017 21:47

I would just make sure your inlaws hAve a regular weekly time to look after your kids and agree this with your oh - he can stay nc - you drop off and pick up. Invent a reason to need this babysitting if you must. Makes sure they still see them and leaves a small communication channel open.

HidingFromDD · 14/03/2017 21:48

I never admitted to my Xh any of the things that happened in my childhood. The reason was that, even though rationally I knew it wasn't right, I still didn't 'feel' it and felt that if I'd only been better behaved, good enough then it wouldn't have happened. I also bought in to the 'happy family' façade because, obviously, everyone else thought they were lovely so it must have been my fault. I didn't tell xh because that would have been drawing attention to my own imperfections.
It was only when I had children of my own that I realised there was no way that a child like that could have deserved the treatment I received. I suspect your DH may be going through the same thing.

buttfacedmiscreant · 14/03/2017 21:48

sometimes the most dysfunctional people are generous with money. Narcissists for instance can use it to manipulate people and situations.

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