Bizarre upsetting situation

[Ellaenchanted10]

This is my first post so bear with me. I've been with dh for 12 years and we have one dd together and are expecting another this year. We live 10 mins down the road from MIL and FIL and see them every week/2 weeks (although mil often pops in on week days too to see dd). He's always been close with his family or at least that's the impression I've been given over the years - we even lived with them for 3.

Since the beginning of the year my husband has been increasingly reluctant to see them always making excuses when they ask to go for lunches, pop round for a visit or take dd out for the day. It's come to the point where it's incredibly obvious and after speaking to dh about it he's told me he wants to cut contact. I really don't know what to make of this its completely out of the blue. I've asked over and over why and he just says he has no need for them in his life any more and it would be easier to just not see them. This has horrified me!!! I'm really close with my own family and could not imagine cutting anyone from my life especially without any kind of reason!! I'm seriously concerned about him and why he's made such a spontaneous decision which will really hurt his family.

A bit of insight into my relationship with MIL and FIL - we have always got on really well up until about 2 years ago. They started acting cold towards me MIL being highly passive aggressive and FIL just downright rude and aggressive (really don't know which is worse). DH has noticed this and thinks it's because we had a very busy year during that period and were unable to see them often (I had hyperemsis and hardly got out of bed most weekends and DH had huge work commitments meaning he didn't have time for anyone). He thinks they blame me for this and tried to keep them from DH although we can't figure out why? Anyway since then its been frosty but they've kept up visits and I occasionally will make up an excuse to leave dd with MIL during the week for an hour or 2 so they get quality time together and rarely refuse her when she asks to visit. Saying all of this I have no idea if this has impacted his decision or not - he claims no but I am clutching at straws as it seems bizarre. Have spoken to SIL about this which DH is a little miffed about as she came round to talk to him and he says it's none of her business. She's very upset and has begged him to reconsider cutting their parents out. SIL has confirmed to me that they have noticed the increasing distance and think it's me trying to stop them from seeing DD which I fully expected as DH has always been a bit of a golden boy in their family. DH thinks I need to drop the subject, accept his decision and stop dramatising everything - he's put it down to pregnancy hormones. I don't think I'm dramatising. I think this IS a big deal and a big mistake which he can't take back once its done and they miss out on dd and new baby's early years. AIBU? Or is he? And more importantly WWYD?

It doesn't sound like DH comes from a normal functioning family. It's hard to understand if you have never experienced it yourself. It seems like they've done or said something and its the last straw for him.

He may not want to explain it now but you need to listen to his feelings on this. If he truly wants to cut contact then it would be better if he made that clear to them rather than putting you in the firing line. He may be trying to protect you but its not helpful expecting you to firefight.

I think you just have to accept that he has a good reason. They're his parents and I'd say it's his decision. Is he saying he doesn't want to see them or that he doesn't want any of you to see them?

Out of curiosity, did his attitude begin to shift when you were pregnant or after your baby was born? Do you think it's at all possible that he was molested or bullied and his parents did nothing about it? And maybe being a father has brought this all to the surface because he knows he'd never just stand by and do nothing? Do you think it's possible his parents were physically abusive and again, parenthood has brought this out? Both would be reasons why a man wouldn't want to speak of it.

Tbf it doesn't sound like they'd be a fabulous influence in your DCs lives so I'd take his lead

My guess would be that he is trying to protect you from something they have either said or done about you. I have experienced exactly this and as a result my DH purposely chose to have very minimal contact. He would go NC totally out of loyalty to me but I have insisted that our DS should have a relationship with them regardless of what their opinion of me is. You do need him to open up though. My DH was afraid of hurting me so I got in first and told him whatever they had said/done was water off my proverbial duck's back.

I couldn't give a toss what their opinion of me is.

Good luck :)

I know someone who was the absolute golden boy of his family. one of the most successful of what was a big family, absolutely supported his parents (financially for a while), paid for their holidays, paid for them to come out to see him where he lived, the absolute perfect son and known within the family as that.

Then he stopped. Refused to see them. Didn't come home for one parent's funeral. Family are divided between "how wrong of him" and "he has his reasons I'm sure". The family is in fact highly dysfunctional in many ways but like other dysfunctional families also works on some level and has good times too. There was also alcohol abuse involved and a lot of denial by the parents. I think he just got fed up of it all. Couldn't be arsed dealing with the slightly skewed vision of reality and the past, couldn't deal with having to play a certain role in the family, finally let his anger at the past bubble up, and was having his own issues too.

I think you are right that there is more to your husband's issues with his parents than "couldn't be bothered any more" but he doesn't want to have to articulate them - even to you. If his parents are difficult, hypocritical, resistant to seeing any reality other than the one they want (as in your hyperemesis) then maybe has just gotten sick and tired of the mental effort it takes to deal with this. It is easier to deal with that shit when it isn't your own parent because you don't have any expectations of the person and you don't love them.

The problem is (well it would be for me) how comfortable do you feel being married to someone who seems to be able to calmly turn off his emotions and knock 2 people out of his life without any reason. Even if he said, look I have my reasons but don't want to talk about it. otherwise I'd be thinking "well are you going to get tired of me or the kids some day the same way?"

Yes, trust him....

He's chosen to cut contact. When you see them, you can always say 'oh I don't know DH doesn't want to see you' and then let it hang in the air.

I do wonder if he has good reason to keep his distance.

Is he showing any unusual behaviour in other areas of life OP?

We all spent Christmas at SILs and it was fine. I'm not going to pretend I will miss them - it's been stressful to see them the past two years because I never know if it'll be a good day or a bad day. However there were a lot of good times where we all got on, they helped us get on the property ladder, contributed to our wedding, helped completely re decorate our house which took months....as I said they're not all bad. But if he's had enough he's had enough. I'm going to stop defending my thoughts now as I think I've said what I can to make my point

He has probably had an epiphany about their behaviour, maybe through having less time with them...being the golden child he may have seen them be toxic to others and even been Complicit in it. I think you can see enough abuse to trust him that he is being protective, now, of himself, you and his kids by doing this.

I echo BonnieScotland trust your husband
He is trying to protect you
Jesus wept , you were ill in bed , he told them to leave you and your FIL walked into your bedroom
They have no boundaries

The problem is (well it would be for me) how comfortable do you feel being married to someone who seems to be able to calmly turn off his emotions and knock 2 people out of his life without any reason. Even if he said, look I have my reasons but don't want to talk about it. otherwise I'd be thinking "well are you going to get tired of me or the kids some day the same way?

They sound horrible, he's probably wasted years of emotions on them to get to this point. It's like when you fall out of love - its pretty calm, the emotions come before that when you're still trying to make it work!

I don't think the OP is at risk of the same unless she turns nasty for years too, in which case, fair play!

DH needs to at least set them straight about them blaming you before he cuts contact.

They are only toxic towards me and it's only occasionally. y'don't think it's being toxic to your OH to be toxic to his partner, you were just a pawn in the game, he was the target here

I still don't believe anyone is all bad and I certainly don't believe they've done anything to warrant their GC being torn from them. I think I'ld go with the person who was raised by them rather than the person who had someone shielding them from the worst on this if they were my kids.

I know other people cut contact for lesser reasons but I've been bought up to believe family is important and YOUR family may well be very important to you both. But families are just made up of people, you cannot compare yours to his

There's a lot of sense being spoken here - I get that. The point pallisers made about how do I feel being married to someone who can just switch of a relationship strikes a chord because this is my main concern. He has not been acting differently lately but had suffered from depression, which is common in his family, in the past. He says he is happy with life at the moment except for work which is stressful and has always talked fondly about his childhood. No abuse has ever been mentioned....i have never suspected any but also have never asked because I just assumed he would have mentioned this?

Regardless of anything we have a lovely relationship and I have made the decision after reading these replies to stay out of it. If he doesn't want them to be in our lives I will not push for it.

It might be that he has seen how toxic they have been towards you and has now decided that he no longer wants to expose you and his DC's to their toxic behaviour as they grow up.

Yeah, Tinsel, I think that is probably true but it seems like all he says is

he just says he has no need for them in his life any more and it would be easier to just not see them.

I'd want a bit more reassurance than that myself. Like even I don't think they are good people and I have no need for them in my life anymore. I know it is unlikely but what if he was prepared to put up with them while they were useful to him and now he can see elder care issues coming down the line and so wants to withdraw.

I'm not saying this is the case and like I said in my previous post, I can well see why a golden child would suddenly want to just disengage. But if it were my own husband, while I would support him, I would want him to say something about his reasons - just "I don't like them and their behaviour" would be better than "I have no need for them".

Jeez you need to stick with your husband! His parents are arseholes to you and he is being loyal to you. He doesn't want to detail it because he knows how hurt you'd be. But he's right!

Seems like you got your answers now. I agree with the others that ultimately you should support and trust your husband. I also think you should trust yourself - when in your heart of hearts you believe there must be a reason for this - then that's probably the case. It's just sometimes it's not easy to formulate those reasons in the right terms at the right time.

No abuse has ever been mentioned....i have never suspected any but also have never asked because I just assumed he would have mentioned this?

I won't go into details other than to say it came out in a moment of crisis, but my DH didn't know that I had been molested as a child and sexually assaulted by my ex-husband until he and I had been married 25 years.

So you just never know.

Not being supportive when you were sick was probably enough. He would have been having a terrible stressful time and they minimised it and were shitty about you.
Maybe he's been mulling it over for a while and has now decided.

I'm going to go against the grain here. On MN people are far to quick to shout "go NC!" Without considering that there are far-reaching implications to doing so.

Everyone has it in them to be horrible, and reality is that fallings out do often occur within families. But it just seems too easy to casually cut contact without a backward glance and essentially divide a family without explanation?

Yes, if there is a valid reason then fair enough. But if there is a valid reason then he needs to articulate it to his wife. Otherwise it's simply not on to just say he's decided to go NC because he feels he no longer needs these people in his life. They may be his family but they're also his children's family. They may have horrible moments, who doesn't? But equally they have been supportive over the years. And the issue with just casually cutting contact and announcing that these are people he no longer needs is that if he's capable of doing it to them then he's capable of doing it to anyone. Including his wife and children if the mood takes him there one day.

So no, I wouldn't be supporting him without explanation.

I don't think you need to defend your thoughts at all OP, we're here to offer you advise.
I'd say trust your DH, if it were me I think I would.
However how would it work, since they live so close to you? Would you have to move? That's also another thing to consider. Maybe you need to ask him serious questions. Tell him you've accepted his decision, but you need to know what happens from there. If you're going to cut someone out of your life, it's hard if they can just turn up at your home and create drama in front of your DD.
I'm sure in time he will tell you exactly what happened, but I think DH needs your support right now and respecting his decision would be the best thing for your family. I hope it works out for your family, all the best