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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask DH to do some housework when he has been at work all day?

134 replies

MrsSportacus · 05/03/2007 10:37

My DH works long hours. He is out of the house by seven and home about half six. On Wednesdays he plays badminton after work. On Saturdays he goes to watch his football team, Sundays he sometimes plays golf and he plays online poker for a few hours every night. He doesn't really do any housework at all. I'm a stay at home mum and don't really see anyone during the day. If he's away I can go days without speaking to another adult. If I complain he says it's my fault and I shouldn't rely on him. He's tired after work and needs to unwind. He says I need to make friends and do things without him. However I can't drive and we live a long way from my friends and family. Am I being pathetic? I think I'm a bit PND as my youngest is eight months and I've been miserable since he was born. I feel such a nothing...I need to get a grip! Sorry for being so wet.

OP posts:
Cappuccino · 05/03/2007 10:39

give him little jobs

'can you just run the vac round before you do that?'

buy him a timer to show it'll only take 10 mins

my dh always used to think that household jobs would take all night before I did this

ScummyMummy · 05/03/2007 10:42

Poor you. You are not a nothing.
Could you get some driving lessons do you think?

Original poster
MrsSportacus · 05/03/2007 10:46

The little jobs thing is a good idea..I'll use the same technique I use on my 3 year old! We can't afford driving lessons. Our mortgage is huge.But it's a big part of the problem I know - makes you very isolated not driving. Wish I'd done it at 17.

OP posts:
KTeePee · 05/03/2007 10:50

I would be more concerned about the fact that he doesn't seem to want to spend any of his free time with you or his children, rather than whether or not he helps with the housework.

Get him to help with bathtime/bedtime if he doesn't already. Try not to worry too much about tidying up, etc in the evening and see if he will watch a dvd or something with you instead of gambling, as a start.

I am all in favour of couple having independent interests but you should do stuff together too.

dejags · 05/03/2007 10:51

I think that it is a bit unreasonable to expect him to do housework if he works a long week. That's not to say that he shouldn't help out with the kids or help you in the kitchen when he gets in (i.e washes a few pots or stacks the dishwasher while you prepared the tea).

I think he should be helping out with the children but that the bulk of housework should fall to you (as you are at home).

I think I'd be getting a wee bit stroppy about the poker every night but that's it.

In terms of your need to make friends - find out about your local Mother & Toddler Groups (local churches, library etc). They are a great way to meet people. Even if it takes a bit of time to get there on the bus - you can structure your day in such a way that it's achieveable.

Good luck.

choosyfloosy · 05/03/2007 10:52

sh*t this life would KILL me i'm sorry

miserable since he was born? I should damn well think so.

Actions I would take (mostly assuming that you do have some spare cash I'm afraid.

  1. Book driving lessons. Now. Evening ones, twice a week. Ring him briefly to check which evenings he would prefer you to book (not whether).
  1. Contact your local NCT branch (google or yellow pages, sorry can't remember) and find out what groups etc are going on. Go to anything you can find, even if you hate them at first. Singing groups, art groups, soft play centres, swimming lessons, mother and baby, coffee afternoons, baby French, - turn up at EVERYTHING. After you've been there, go home and write down the names/children's names of people you've met and anything you learned about them. Invite people to tea, take numbers, give your number. Take taxis, take the bus, take whatever you damn well please to get out of the house at least twice a day.
  1. Ring your mum and tell her how miserable you are feeling. Have you got a sister or cousin who can come to stay for a bit?
  1. Make an appointment to see your health visitor or GP and say you think you might have PND.

I could say a lot about your husband's attitude. Suffice to say it stinks. I would say that you do need to become more independent of him because he clearly has absolutely no clue. You may have to hope that he is one of those men who suddenly 'gets' parenthood once the kids are older. It often happens once they can talk.

Things will get better but clearly you are not going to get any help from him.

nearlythree · 05/03/2007 10:52

Wherabouts are you? Maybe there is a munsnetter nearby. I don't drive either and feel such a wuss, but I live in a village where I know a lot of mums so not too much of a problem.

You work bloody hard, and although parenting is the most fulfilling, wonderful thing in the world, it is also like groundhog day and can be mind-numbing in its tediousness. Your dh's job may be high-stress but I bet he finds it full of variety and challenges. I don't think it unreasonable for you to expect him to help out.

Why not try and find a correspondence course in a subject you enjoy? Many can be paid for in stages and sometimes you can find free ones on the net.

dejags · 05/03/2007 10:52

Sorry about the very disjointed previous post. I was typing my thoughts as I they popped into my mind. Having re-read my post it's not a very cohesive way of putting my point of view across

Original poster
MrsSportacus · 05/03/2007 10:53

Yes I agree. I don't think his life has changed really. He doesn't drink or go out with his mates in the evening but he's obsessed with sport. I feel me and the kids come way behind Liverpool Football Club!

OP posts:
choosyfloosy · 05/03/2007 10:53

OK, sorry, scrub the driving lessons for the moment. Ask for the money for them for birthday/Christmas instead.

nearlythree · 05/03/2007 10:54

God, just seen about the poker, my dh does that too, drives me nuts. Maybe they'll grow up one day?

clarinsgirl · 05/03/2007 10:55

The way I see it, you both have full time jobs and the work at home is for both of you. My DP and I both work full time and he actually does nearly all of the housework (I work longer hours and he doesn't like the idea of a cleaner in the house).

Adult company and the pursuit of your own interests is important and you are not being silly. Maybe you feel down because you are not getting out, though it you are concerned about PND you should get it checked out.

Maybe learning to drive would be the ideal thing to get you back into adult company?

Does your DH spend much time on his own with your DC? If not, perhaps you could engineer this and then he would realise how hard you work and how important getting out is.

I sort of agree with your DH about not relying on him. I think you would feel really good if you found ways to meet people and develop you own networks.

Good luck.

chopchopbusybusy · 05/03/2007 10:55

I wouldn't expect him to do housework but I would expect him to want to spend time with me and the children. You say that money is tight but his online gambling habit must be costing a fair bit. If it was me I'd want to have a conversation with him about how I was feeling.

Original poster
MrsSportacus · 05/03/2007 10:57

I need to be proactive rather than sitting about moaning "Oh I'm so bored, my life is so poo" Need to get my arse to the GP first I think.

OP posts:
KTeePee · 05/03/2007 10:57

Well if he can afford a season ticket to football and afford to play badminton and golf every week, not to mention the gambling, I'm sorry but I would be putting my foot down and insisting he pay for driving lessons, even (or maybe especially ) if it meant he had to give up one of his activities!

clarinsgirl · 05/03/2007 10:58

Also, if you're strugling for cash then I'd say the online gambling has to go!

SturdyAngel · 05/03/2007 10:58

Just a quick thought about the money issue... does he have a season ticket for the football or pay per ticket? Could he go to the football less in order to free up some cash for you to have driving lessons?

clarinsgirl · 05/03/2007 11:02

I keep posting and finding someone's beat me to it! He finds plenty of money for his many hobbies, some of that needs to be set aside for you.

And I'm sorry but he should be helping with chores. There will inevitably be tasks that can't be complete during the day when you are at home and he needs to share these with you.

It sounds like the balance of power in the relationship is very much with your DH. Have you had a proper chat with him about this?

wrinklytum · 05/03/2007 11:02

Oh hon,I can relate to this.I would suggest that if he has said that you need to " make friends and do things without him tell him that you have joined a class/met up with another mum this Saturday morning and take yourself into town,get your hair done and treat yourself to a bit of you time.Leave him with the kids and a list of the things that need doing in the house.See how he copes.After six months of struggling with a non sleeping second baby and active toddler I did this to dp and he was a bit more understanding after having to spend a morning with the kids.Not much housework did get done,but he did manage to load the washing and dress and feed the kids and entertain them after a fashion,well,c-beebies

.Could you write down how you are feeling and leave him a letter if he will not listen face to face?He does sound quite selfish if he is still doing all of his leisure activities and leaving all of the childcare to you.You sound as if you have NO time for yourself.

If you really feel you have PND PLEASE contact your gp/hv.Please do not struggle on alone.

Hugs,Wrinkly

Judy1234 · 05/03/2007 11:12

The problem here is that you don't work. Get back to full time work. Make sure you earn as much or more than him and then you will have a fair and equal relationship. As long as you have the subsidiary servile house wife role politically things never really work.

dejags · 05/03/2007 11:17

Xenia - I agree with your sentiment but it's not particularly helpful for the OP (her circumstances simply may not allow for this).

You could have put it a bit more erm... delicately too.

Cappuccino · 05/03/2007 11:18

here comes Xenia with the panacea for all ills

right, just earn more than him. simple as that. it's so easy as post-natally depressed SAHM going back into the workplace to just outearn their dh after breezing through an interview

dear me, Xenia. I'm sure the OP appreciates the sentiment but you really are a one-track record

clarinsgirl · 05/03/2007 11:22

Quite agree - there is no one right answer. How much you earn does not denote power in the relationship (not in a good one anyway). What's needed here is some support for the OP, taking control and making changes are tough things to do.

chopchopbusybusy · 05/03/2007 11:25

Xenia - if only it were that straightforward. The OP has said that she thinks she has PND - if she has that needs to be dealt with before she even thinks of returning to work. Also she doesn't drive which will limit her work options - again I think she needs to rectify this. She has also said that she has no support network i.e. friends and family nearby who could help out. Even if you have good nursery or childminding care there will always be occasions where that doesn't work out. Not everyone can afford (or want) live in child care.

Oh yes - and did I forget she does work -she looks after their children and their home.

Judy1234 · 05/03/2007 11:27

I hadn't read the PND point. Anyone at home with children 12 hours a day is bound to get depressed. It would be intolerable to me. I don't know why so many seem to love it. Getting out to work, dressing up, having to talk to colleagues, getting appreciation for what you do rather than children screaming at you etc can help with depression but I agree the depression should be addressed first with tables, CBT and diet and exercise too.

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