to ask DH to do some housework when he has been at work all day?

[MrsSportacus]

My DH works long hours. He is out of the house by seven and home about half six. On Wednesdays he plays badminton after work. On Saturdays he goes to watch his football team, Sundays he sometimes plays golf and he plays online poker for a few hours every night. He doesn't really do any housework at all. I'm a stay at home mum and don't really see anyone during the day. If he's away I can go days without speaking to another adult. If I complain he says it's my fault and I shouldn't rely on him. He's tired after work and needs to unwind. He says I need to make friends and do things without him. However I can't drive and we live a long way from my friends and family. Am I being pathetic? I think I'm a bit PND as my youngest is eight months and I've been miserable since he was born. I feel such a nothing...I need to get a grip! Sorry for being so wet.

yellowrose - you are SO lucky. When will all women realise that true equality will only come about once they bring up their sons, not just their daughters, with the full set of life skills?

I have had a similar situation with my DH in the past, plus we have a 14 week old DD and there have been a few occasions when DH has been close to slipping back to his old way and I have to reign him back in.

I don't think you should expect your DH to help with housework during the week - My DH helps me out on a saturday which is what we agreed. My DH will do either bath times with our DD's or story time, we take it in turns. DH also does his fair share of DD2's feeds on a saturday/sunday, plus he will take DD1 out even if it's just if he's going to sainsbury's to give me 20 minutes me time.

It was a hard slog with my DH and it took alot of talking but he now understands that yes although he goes out to work long days 5 days a week, my job should be 24 hours a day 7 days a week or I would be just as well of being a single parent !

That doesn't read well - I meant my DH will help out with housework on a saturday, he will either cook or do the dishes etc.
The storys/bath time are every night

ARGGGG shouldn't be 24 hours a day, 7 days a week

Anna - you are absolutely right, ds is going to be trained in all house work. I am not having him bring me his dirty laundry when he is at uni., like friends of mine did.

I spoil him rotten now, but then he is not ever 3 yet. Waiting for the right time to teach him that women are not slaves

No, havn't read all the thread but of course he shoudl do housework!

we worked it out once:

DH works a 55 hr week including travel time
I work a 20 hr week inc travel time
I do 2 days of childcare 16 hrs
I study for 12 hrs a week

so during 'office hours 8am-6pm DH does 55 hrs and I do 48 hrs.

evenings and weekends I do an average of 20 hrs housework, inc bills, grocery order, sorting out childcare etc.
DH does an average of 12 hrs housework

If DIY needs doing we either sort additional childcare or I look after DS while DH does DIY. Same for finance sorting out - which I do. DH will take care of DS so I can remortgage the house or switch utility suppliers or order stuff for DIY!

at weekends, DH takes DS for at least one half day - they often go swimming etc. He does one night wake up at the weekend and one during the week.

My dh pitches in with everything - washing, ironing, hoovering. I do the majority of the cooking b/c he really isn't any good at it, and I tend to do bath and bed, which I love. But dh works from home most of the time.

My ds is nine mo and is soooooooo lazy, teh legacy of having two big sisters plus mum run around afte rhim - he even thinks finger foods are for my fingers to put in his mouth.

Dumbledoresmum, taking care of DS all day is a job. doing the hosuework is a job. We agreed very early on that you can't be expected to do BOTH jobs at once!

If you are at home all day with DS there are 11/2hrs in which he is asleep. During that time you do his bottles, a quick hoover up and clean his highchair.

When going out with DS you pick up shopping, but why on earth should taking care of a child be considered to be less work than being in an office?

I dont' expect Dh to multitask ordering groceries while at work during the day so if I am looking after DS during the day I don't try and do another job as well.

It's best to make the hours fair which is why I've always thought part time work was a bad deal for the parent who does it as they usually get lumbered with most of the other stuff.

There is also an unfairness on some women and many more men who come home from work to find the partner who doesn't work hasn't done the housework which is part of the deal. Why support a non working spouse if they don't do their part of the work? Of course it's very different if they're looking after 3 under 5s with no help when there may literally not be time but that isn't always so.

I think I would find that my dh multitasks just as much as I do when he is at work.

I do not see being with the children and doing housework as doing 2 jobs. It is one job, call it what you will, I believe homemaker is a popular term these days. Come on! How much time does housework really take? Do you really mean you have to be with your child every second he/she is awake? My youngest is 4 and admittedly goes to playgroup every morning so I have 2 clear hours to do housework (or not!) but even when he wasn't, I didn't sit and play with him for 8 hours a day. Do you really mean you do that all day every day?

In the days when I had 3 under 5 (ie all at home) or 4 under 7, I did not necessarily do the housework at all - I admit it - but I didn't ask dh to do it when he got back from his work either. I just could not justify that.

agree with dumbledores.
i hada migrainmost of the day yesterday so did prettymuch sweet fa except keep the kids alive.
dh did it all when he got home, then got a takeaway. bless 'im!

otherwise i dont expect him to, i didnt expect him to yesterday either, but he did.

Well I don't see why not sunnyjim. I order groceries when I am at work. And I clean upstairs when I am also caring for my 2yo. And I share cleaning downstairs in an evening with DH. Just don't see how it would all get done otherwise.

I guess every family is different. Neither of us WANTS to do childcare of housework so if we had to pay someone else to do it there woudl be two jobs. As nannies don't do general housework and cleaners dont' mind the kids too.

Of course you do odds and ends during the day but at 7pm when DS is in bed then we've both finished our day jobs so we can both do housework.

I am well aware that some people do personal things while at work, DH and me both take our paid jobs seriuosly and don't try and use comapny time to do the grocery shopping.

This is a very interesting issue. Non working mothers 40 years ago would indeed have the children in the house or strapped in the pram outside for a good few hours or napping upstairs for 2 hours but they certainly weren't interacting with the child (in fact working parents today interact more with their children than working or non working parents of either gender 40 years ago). The work at home was long and hard and that was what the women were doing - using a mangle, bashing dust out of carpets, ironing, shopping every day etc etc. It was not 7 hours in adoration of the baby.

It is common sense NOT to ask the partner who works outside the home to go and clean the loo when he/she gets home at 10 pm after a long commute !

The point is to work out some kind of plan where you can share child care and cleaning. That is what we do, although I am very lucky in not having to ever ask. He isn't forced into anything and nor am I, so it makes us more relaxed about everything we do.

With my ex-boyfriend, after many years of co-habitation, he would have to be ASKED to take the rubbish out once a week. I stopped doing anything for him, because he refused to ever do anything for me. Thankfully we split up many years ago !

Ex-boyfriend hadn't been taught by mummy/daddy that women are not there to do everything for you !

So sunnyjim you work straight through at work from the moment you get there, to the moment you leave? No break for lunch? It is actually my company policy to allow use of the internet for personal reasons such as shopping within reason. A fairly work-life balance friendly policy really.

I cannot clean my children's bedrooms or hoover upstairs when they are in bed. I do it when I am at home with my DD on one of the days when I don't work. DD needs to know that we don't have cleaning fairies. When she was scared of the hoover, DH used to do it while I bathed the children.

Sorry really for diverting from the original post but I resent the implication that I do not take my job seriously.

Interesting, here's my current situation - I work 7.30-6pm with 30 min travel. Get up at 5.30 and get DS/DH up, fed, washed, DH makes DS's lunchbox and drops me off at work and takes DS to school. He's then at home all day alone until 1.30 when he picks up DS, who then naps till 3.30. They do a daily shop before picking me up.
I get home 6.30ish, bath and play with DS, DH cooks. I clear up dinner, do laundry/ironing/change sheets. Put DS to bed, do any night waking stuff. Generally on email for an hour before bed at midnight.

W/e I do the cooking and shopping as well. We have cleaners 3x a week (its dirt cheap here). Any big cleaning jobs are mine and fixing jobs DHs. He drives, I can but don't.

Thing is I chose to do it - because I feel I need to be a wife and mother as well as a worker. The OP's husband is chosing to be himself and a worker only. Maybe he needs reminding what he;s missing.

From reading the OP, it seems as though you may have some underlying relationship issues which you need to address with your DH.

I mean, when exactly do you (and your children) get to see him? He works long hours and it seems he does his own thing most evenings when he gets home (badminton or poker). Even at weekends it sounds like he doesn't spend any time with you. Surely you must see that this isn't right? Even if you didn't have children (and therefore all these other emotions and problems that children can bring to a relationship), I don't think his behaviour is correct.

Of course he is tired after work and needs to unwind - so give him half an hour and then you should try to spend time together. Not saying he should give up everything he does outside work but would def suggest getting rid of the poker!!! doesn't he find spending time with you (perhaps after the children are asleep) is a way to relax after a hard day at work?

I hope you can sort something out. It sounds to me like you need to learn to stand up to him a bit more

You are not being unreasonable. I would suggest that your DH needs to reduce the money spent on gamblng, football, badminton and other sports related activities to allow you to get a morning off a week and some driving lessons.

You need time for you as a grown up. Do you think your DH would cope with the DC's to allow you to go and visit a friend for the weekend?

Bozza, DH would get fired if he was found using company internet or email for personal stuff. He takes a half hour lunchbreak if he is lucky enough not to have meetings back to back.
I teach and I usually get an hour at lunchtime, I use this to tidy up the classroom, possibly be on playrgoudn duty, get my own lunch. If I have a free lesson I use it (as I am suppoused to) for prep and planning.

I agree that its possible to do a certain amount of houseowkr whilst at home with a child, the exact amount will depend on the age(s) of the children at home and their temperement.

I guess i resent the implication that any mum or dad staying at home has loads of spare time all day and isn't workign hard if they are 'only' looking after a baby or toddler.

Today: got up to DS at 2.30am waking, 5.30am waking and then got up to start day at 7am.

7-8am, gave DS his bottle of milk and breakfast, ate toast and drank tea myself, shower got us both dressed. Put a load of washing on
8-9am, washed up DS bottles and put them in sterliser, took cups and paltes form breakfast and evening into kitchen and stac ked/cleared ready for washing up, fodled towels and took upstairs to airing cupboard
hoovered living room
9-11am playgroup with DS,
11am, took in delivery of DIy materials, made DS lunch
11.30am Fed DS,
12pm DS asleep
12-12.45pm - my break to make up for being up since 5.30am, usually open post and pay any bills or make phone calls during this time too.
12.45pm clean highchair, wash up, get clean clothes out for DS, more washing, prepare DS tea
1.45pm DS wakes up,
2-4pm take DS to park, then go to shops and buy groceries
4pm DS tea
4.30-5.30pm, play with DS, and try and keep him from destroying things/getting inside the duvet cover as I put out the guest sofabed for DBIL
5.30pm, DS watched DVD, clear away his tea things, clean highchair
make cuppa for DH coming home
6pm-7pm DS bath and bed, DH cooks tea
7-8pm, tea and relax
8-9pm jobs around the house for us BOTH

yes i could skip playgroup and the visit to the park but honestly there's a limit to what I can get done with my active and curiuos DS in tow. Because DH and I both work I prefer the one or two days I have at home with DS to be focused on him so I don't do much housework.

The reason we both do housework in the evenings is that there's still bins to be emptied, washing up from tea, hoover living room again, sweep kitchen floor, take recycling to recylcing bin and ironing of clothes for the morning.

At weekends there's all the hard floors to be mopped clean, bathroom to be cleaned, washing and ironing to be done, DIy, shopping etc etc.

My DS goes out to work and im a part time WAHM. He knows that when I take the children up to read and put them to bed that he has to sort the kitchen out for me and make a cuppa - if he doesnt want to do that he can sort the children out while I do the kitchen!

What always make me laugh is when he says "I have cleaned the kitchen FOR YOU" now "I have bought flowers FOR YOU" yes...surely the kitchen is clean for all of us?

My friend is always saying how "lucky" I am that he does things around the house and moans her other half does nothing...but today she told me she even bought her own engagment ring! Oh dear if hes not a prince at the beginning of the relationship hes sure as hell gonna be a frog 5 years down the line!!

Yes I do most of the childcare that is the trade off to working part time but I am not a 24hr, 7 day a week slave this is a partnerhip!

The nack to being a happy SAHM is not to SAH too much it can get depressing and overwhelming

my dh does that - 'for you' shite - i tell him to kiss my arse. nobwank