to ask DH to do some housework when he has been at work all day?

[MrsSportacus]

My DH works long hours. He is out of the house by seven and home about half six. On Wednesdays he plays badminton after work. On Saturdays he goes to watch his football team, Sundays he sometimes plays golf and he plays online poker for a few hours every night. He doesn't really do any housework at all. I'm a stay at home mum and don't really see anyone during the day. If he's away I can go days without speaking to another adult. If I complain he says it's my fault and I shouldn't rely on him. He's tired after work and needs to unwind. He says I need to make friends and do things without him. However I can't drive and we live a long way from my friends and family. Am I being pathetic? I think I'm a bit PND as my youngest is eight months and I've been miserable since he was born. I feel such a nothing...I need to get a grip! Sorry for being so wet.

You could be right. Perhaps I was just lucky. But then from the very start I just got on with things and worked around her.

I may very well have my words bite me in the bum come May and DD2 arrives.

This is what I think...going days without speaking to another adult is bad news. You really need to take some action on this so that dp is not the only adult friend in your life. I appreciate this might be easier said than done but it needs to happen for the sake of you, dp and your relationship.

I think most mothers need some regular time each week to yourself without being responsible for childcare. Either dp needs to look after the kids or you need to find a way for someone else to. Again, I know this may be easier said than done but it needs to happen somehow.

I think that it would also be good for you both to have some regular time together without the kids - even one evening a month would be better than nothing.

I think these things are much more important than whether you have to do all the housework, although I would expect dp to do a few little things to show support.

Online poker every night is a problem in my view and probably a sign that things aren't that great for your dp at the moment either. If he has an affordable budget he can stick to and a max time of around 3 hours a week to play this would seem reasonable to me - otherwise he needs to find a way to stop this completely.

So I think the solution is a bit of action on both sides, but this might not be so easy in practice for you with pnd so finding some support for that might be the best first move. Big sympathy from me, sorry you are having a tough time of it and I hope things will move on positively for you soon, mousiemousie xxx

agree that the online poker is bad news

sounds like the housework is a red herring tbh

yes I can do housework, cook, clean and do laundry with an 8 month old and two others - BUT I zip through it because then I can go out in the car to visit a friend/go shopping/do some exercise. If it was ALL I did I would just end up staring into space.

Agree that the housework probably isn't the real issue here and I wonder if there's growing resentment on both sides - coupled with pnd? He's out at work for long hours, wondering what you're doing all day at home (it's very hard to realise just how much work is involved being at home with two little 'uns until you do it). And I wonder what the conversation goes like when he does come home - is there either no discussion between you both or arguments about the housework which is why he's retreating to online gambling/golf etc? Where's your time together as a couple, away from the stresses of either housework, children and his demanding job? Definitely see your GP asap if you think you have pnd; and you do need to find ways to do more outside the home. But you also need to re-establish your relationship with your dh. Once that dialogue is going and you're both feeling better about yourselves, then you can talk about how to manage the division of labour - and perhaps that might mean you going out to work PT which would perhaps pay for driving lessons while he helps out a bit more around the house?

Anna writes like she's come off some factory production line for the ideal Stepford Wife... or so it appears. I just don't think running a perfect home is the way to keep a husband just as he won't keep his wife by earning massive sums. Okay do your best but having it all appearing as some kind of perfectionist Martha Stewart thing just reads like a 1950s housewife';s recipe to be on prozac or valium was it in those days, before you hit 40.

Sorry, laughing as I type because we are so different which is what makes people (not men and women but people) so interesting.

MrsSp, you can't possibly read any more advice but what you have said made me think you and DH are not really communicating at all. Marriages are not a power battle or a contract but a relationship. TBH he doesn't sound like a happy person either - he obviously isn't enjoying being part of family life. Can you get out of the house together to a pub or something and talk it over a bit, in a no-blame sort of way? When DH and I have done this it's been interesting to hear his point of view and we've usually ended up with promises to change on both sides.

You have to work it out between you about the housework etc. but it seems very dubious if he won't agree to driving lessons, that's a bit of a control thing.

Working full time doesn't solve the problem though - it just means neither of you feel like doing the housework

what kids do you have MrsS? Can you get him to take one/all of them to the football to give you a break on Saturday?

ALso think being home by half six is early - v early for London anyway. Make him do bedtimes and get him in the routine of emptying the dishwasher or taking out the rubbish. They are easy to do and fit around work.

Routing is a good plan . Before we both left for work my husband put on washer and dishwasher and stacked them ready. His job. I didn't even think or consider it - his domain and I had my things too.

If you both work you're more able to hire someone even just to do 2 hours cleaning a week which can help and the husband is less likely to think woman at home equals domestic servant and he rich God who can sit around idle whilst she worships him and sees to his needs on a 7 days a week basis.

yeah, but believe it or not, some men, whether the women work full time or not, still don't believe they were put on earth to do housework or menial chores

I work full time have a DS who's 7. I'm up at 6am. Get DS up and ready for school. Take him to school. Go to work. Get home at 5.30pm. Prepare and cook tea. Clear up. Bath. sit down aroung 8.30pm!

DH works full time too!!

I must admit i do get annoyed that stuff isn't done when I get in.

I think it's a man thing!

Your'e not being wet, its tough going isn't it. You sound quite isolated too. I would definately see your GP about how you are feeling too. You sound as though you need some quality time together as well (not easy I know).

In answer to your question, I think men/partners still need to do a bit in the home. They can sometimes have the easy option by being at work - avoiding the school runs, activities, shopping, general house stuff/cooking.

In a healthy relationship I think men should do something, not necessarily equal amounts of course, but something to help out. It shows they care about/respect you and the home you live in.

I think men underestimate being at home all day with kids, its the emotional thing too.

I'm dossing on here and mine is ironing! Just started doing it regularly about 3 weeks ago and its fantastic, I really appreciate it. He helps clear up after dinner and with the bath/bed routine too as well as unload the dishwasher in the morning.

I do the main share (tidying, hoover, cooking, paperwork etc) on a daily basis but we have a cleaner once a week to blitz the house.

No I don't think you are. Unless he lives in a hotel or you have servants or domestic help, he needs to help around the house. It is part of being a responsible adult IMHO, however small his contribution, he should do something to help around the house.

Try and not be super woman, you have a young baby so let things go a little and get as much sleep as you can whenever, however you can. Tell you DH you need to unwind too

Haven't read the whole thread, just replying to the OP.

It's not a man thing. |It's women enabling and condoning and letting that injustice go by and doing nothing about it and then setting up that model so their daughters and sons too think that men earn and come home and relax and women earn and come home and serve men.

No Xenia, not a Stepford Wife, just a realist who doesn't think relationships are mostly about either (money) work or housework or children, but about all kinds of other stuff, and the last thing I want to do with my partner is the boring stuff, I want us to have a fun and stimulating life and he won't find me fun or stimulating if he gets home and finds me sitting in a heap with the house a mess around me not having done anything interesting all day - just as I wouldn't find him fun and stimulating if he had a crap job that he was no good at.

One of the major benefits of not working is that we have lots more free time to enjoy ourselves - neither of us ever has to work at the weekend or in the evening as we both manage to contain our work between 8 and 8 Monday to Friday.

I do agree that if you're going to be a housewife and SAHM you should be proud of being a good one

I work half the week and SAHM the rest of the week - I don't see why I should put all my energies into one half of the week and then wander around in my dressing gown feeling oppressed in the rest of the week

the one sure blow to feminism is women dissing other women's efforts to do what is essentially a difficult but rewarding job

I have to confess to finding house work the most dull thing I have ever done - mind you I hated it even before having ds and staying at home.

Looking after children at home and ENJOYING house work are very different things. I try to get away with as little housework as possible. I don't see housework as an essentialy female task.

But looking after my son, that's different. I see that as my primary role as a mother.

I agree, yellowrose. I'm a SAHM, not a 'housewife' (didn't know they still existed!) I married dh, not the house. He's likely to come home and find me and the girls covered in paint, glue and glitter, a train set all over the living room floor and ds grinning from his high chair as he chucks his spoons on the floor.

We wouldn't have it any other way!

lol - agree with marrying the man not the kitchen floor !

In answer to the OP, yes I think you are being unreasonable. My dh works similar hours and I am a SAHM and dh does no housework ever, not even at the weekends. he does do child related stuff though and stuff in the garden so it wouldn't occur to me to ask him to do housework. What are you doing all day as a SAHM if not the housework?

God sorry, I can be such a bitch sometimes.

Eh, dumble, like some of us have said we don't like house work, you don't have to like it or do it, even as a SAHM.

The only thing I AM good at because I enjoy it is cooking. Dh and ds always get lovely home cooked food.

I didn't think your post was bitchy - just a point of view

Dh cooks too, he is brilliant at cooking !

I am sorry. I have not always done the housework despite being home all day, and even now, when I always do something each day, my house is a pigsty by some people's standards, but I could never feel justified in being home all day and then asking dh who has been at work to do the housework on his return. That is just not fair, no matter how much time you have spent with your children.

Dumble - I understand what you are saying, but I never have to ASK. He helps with everything whenever he is home, no need to ask.

Some people would say he is "house trained" (what a horrid term he is not a dog !!) like a mw who came round in the first week after ds was born and saw dh runnnig around hoovering and cooking !

I never had to train him, HIS MUM did that for me when he was young !