to ask DH to do some housework when he has been at work all day?

[MrsSportacus]

My DH works long hours. He is out of the house by seven and home about half six. On Wednesdays he plays badminton after work. On Saturdays he goes to watch his football team, Sundays he sometimes plays golf and he plays online poker for a few hours every night. He doesn't really do any housework at all. I'm a stay at home mum and don't really see anyone during the day. If he's away I can go days without speaking to another adult. If I complain he says it's my fault and I shouldn't rely on him. He's tired after work and needs to unwind. He says I need to make friends and do things without him. However I can't drive and we live a long way from my friends and family. Am I being pathetic? I think I'm a bit PND as my youngest is eight months and I've been miserable since he was born. I feel such a nothing...I need to get a grip! Sorry for being so wet.

I think you do need to have more financial control in the relationship certainly

you contribute an equal amount of time and work to the family so your finances should be dealt with jointly

it is not his money it is the family money and if he can have hobbies then you should be able to afford to too

you need a social and support network for you and your dc

you do need to get out, you do need to go to the GP, you need this SAHM thing to be something that you enjoy and feel proud of

I don't think now, looking back at your OP, that this has anything to do with housework

his attitude to you is dismissive and unhelpful. But you should not rely on him to be your only adult company, you need your own life

"Anyone at home with children 12 hours a day is bound to get depressed."

no, Xenia, that's not what PND is about. It's not that staying at home = depression. It's a chemical imbalance. To say that is to trivialise it.

I stayed at home with both my kids for a year and I didn't suffer from it and I don't agree that staying at home is depressing in itself.

You can be a good, balanced, SAHM with a vibrant life full of support and activity, or one who needs a bit of help getting started. I really don't think your comments are any help at all to the OP.

For the most part I agree with your second post Xenia (although I'd love to be a SAHM if it were possible).

not read all the thread but from your op and the title of this thread - I do not thnk you are unreasonable to ask him to help out at all. Your 'job' may not be paid, but you work longer hours than him as a mother.... x

'Anyone at home with children 12 hours a day is bound to get depressed.'

What a load of bollocks. I was at home all day with 3 children (eldest was 3 when ds3 was born) when mine were small and never got depressed.

To the OP - he needs to kick his gambling habit, you need to spend that money on driving lessons (I'd go completely nuts without my car) and he needs to spend more time with his children it seems. I agree with whoever said get him involved in bathtime etc.

I adore staying at home 12 hrs a day and more. I had mild PND with dd1 and if I'd had to go to work I would have gone over the edge totally.

MrsSportacus, that Doesn't mean you don't need time for you. Find what you like doing and get a course, a book, a dvd.

Did you see my post asking where you are? maybe there is someone nearby you can meet up with?

I think your dh needs to spend more time with you, but can understand that he doesn't feel he should come home and do housework. I work full-time and dh and I share the housework equally, however when I was on maternity leave I did it all. As other posters have said he seems to spend all the money leaving you without which is really unfair. I think it's important that you both see friends and have your own interests, not just your dh.

I think you are feeling undervalued and taken for granted. It is hard work being at home all day alone with a child...it can make you feel low...but you may not be clinically depressed and taking medication MAY not be the answer.....I wont go on about me... but im speaking from experience here.

If i was you i would find your inner strength that every woman has and get some attitude.....

You need to take control and as prev post suggest....focus on YOU.
Your DP is behaving like this because he is allowed to and you are coping with everything.I believe he should be fair and at least do a few jobs for you. Tell him you need more help in the house or you will employ a cleaner that HE has to pay for.

Get yourself a pamper day or new clothes...take the lessons.....tell him YOU want HIM to look after kids an evening because you need to unwind. Also demand that you want at least one day at a weekend spending time as a family!!!

I know I may sound hard...but when I act like a doormat my partner treats me like one!!! Men like women with spirit it keeps them interested and he will be eating out your hands try it!!! go girl!!!!

I would be cross with my DH if he spent little time with his family, particularly after his new baby is born in May. However, once I give up work, I don't expect him to help around the house - other than with "blue jobs" that I can't manage or don't know how to do on my own.

As a SAHM, I expect to be doing the housework, the flatpack assembly, the cooking etc. He gets heavy work that I physically can't do and we would share decorating.

We've had huge rows about online gambling. I assume (hope) that if he's playing poker online, that it's the sort of $5 pot games with small stakes, not the big stuff. Money aside, it took me a very long time to get DH to realise that him being "in the house" or even "on the sofa" but being glued to the internet meant he might as well not be there. Although he was at home he wasn't "available to me" even for conversation. It was like being ignored.

I wouldn't expect him to give up all his pasttimes, but I do think it's reasonable for him to spend at least one full day at the weekend with the family.

THe way you're living is bound to exacerbate any depression you're feeling. It's horrible having no outside contact. I understand how expensive driving lessons are - I didn't learn until I was 25. However, I really do think that you need to get out more. Use the NCT and other groups as suggested by previous posters.

I can't help wondering if your expectation for him to "help" isn't more to do with you wanting him at home more in general.

Yes do get him involved eg bathtime/storytime etc.

And do get yourself out of the house, dejags and choosyfloosy have some good ideas here.

Sorry, meant to add, I do agree with others on here that if s/one is at home full time, I wouldn't expect to have to do housework except major jobs once I got home.

I was going to post:

""

But I see she's beaten me to it.

I would agree with the other posters who suggest that your dh does need to address his behaviour and spend more time with you and your dc. My dh works pretty long hours but he still spends a lot of time with us as a family and helps out enormously. The problem seems to be that your dh is ignoring the fact that he's a dad and that, as a result, things have to change for him. Women's lives change when they have children - why shouldn't men's lives change too?

My dh thinks it's great that he no longer goes out drinking with his mates. Shutting himself away in the study playing internet poker each night doesn't do a lot to mend our relationship though.

The OP's dh seems to be having his cake and eating it - he gets to have a family but also to go out all the time and have a huge amount of free time.

Maybe you could write down how many hours of free time he gets and how many you get (hint: looking after children while also trying to get housework done does not count as free time! ) and see if he really thinks it's fair when you present him with the figures?

Hi MrsSportacus. Just wanted to say that I really feel for you. You have a lot of your plate with a three year old and an eight month old baby, I had a 20 month gap between mine and it was when ds was eight months and dd 2.5 that I went to the GP and sought help for what I thought was PND. It was labelled as PND but three years on i'm not sure really, I think it was more to do with my dh (I left him last March). I'm not suggesting that you have marital problems but have to say that your dh does sound quite selfish. Yes he works long hours but he ensures that he does what he wants or needs to do in his free time. Its very easy for him to say you need to make friends and do things without him, when he goes to badminton, plays golf, goes to watch football and even on the internet does he have to think about childcare arrnagements.....no, he has an inbuilt babysitter and he uses that to its full advantage. Sorry, don't mean to attack your dh but there are things here that are all too familar to me. Do you live in a town or village or are you isolated? I agree with others that it would be really good if you could get some driving lessons, and don't ask dh if you can afford it, just tell him that it was is going to happen and it is a means for you to be more independent. Easier said than done I know. If you can, try and get to an aerobics class or something, organise it so that dh can take you and then sort the children out, if he's been at work all day he can think of it as a different way to unwind!! You are definitely not being pathetic or wet, you are reaching out for help and I really understand how you feel. And, yes give him household jobs to do, he works outside the home full time, you work in the home full time. If you think you may have PND, please seek help, even if you don't want to take pills, sometimes just talking to someone can make the difference.
Take care xx

You seem to have a major power imbalance in your relationship. You get to do the full time, unpaid, boring work and have no leisure time, your husband gets to go out to work and earn money and therefore thinks that he is entitled to more and better leisure time than you. Try to get some NHS counselling to help you get your strength up and address this issue with your husband. Of course you are depressed, your husband doesn't value you properly.

And I absolutely do not think that going out and getting a job and earning as much or more money than your husband is the answer. That is very threatening for many men, and can cause them to get depressed and run. Men need to learn to place a proper value the domestic and childcare contribution that women make to the family's lifestyle and to society. Don't wait on your husband, you are not his servant.

Tell him what you need from him. Don't assume he's going to magically work it out all by himself.

He's telling you he wants you to go out and do things but not taking any responsibility for how that happens so TELL HIM. Find a book club or something and have a regular time to do something you like. Tell him he's babysitting and prepare nothing for him, he'll cope. Make him cope.

Tell him that you want to do things together like, I dunno, learn to cook curries or something you can do at home. Something non confrontational, fun and non stressed.

He's saying he doesn't want to be responsible for your happiness and to a certain extent 'Quel heel' but also to a certain extent, he's right. YOU need to take control of your life and that includes him and his role in the family.

Thing is when you're a mum you are sort of programmed to do certain things without realising it. You hormonally know that life has changed. He doesn't get that, he doesn't get that a time for a long shower is a luxury now for you, or (in my case) the right to use the loo in private when at home! For him life is much the same except his wife has changed into someone needy and there are little people around - for you its changed beyond belief and continues to daily. He needs to know what you expect from him or he will always let you down.

Another thing - I have some of the same issues as you, being a SAHM and what's more not in my own country and a bit isolated at times, and I have other girlfriends in the same position, and one of the ways that we find to negotiate with our partners and husbands is to take control domestically, organise our homes brilliantly and generally run a tight ship. If you are doing a fantastic job (whatever the job is) it is much easier to negotiate better terms and conditions. It may sound silly, but try doing a massive houseclean/tidy up/recycle (it will take time with two little ones), organise your cupboards, get the recurrent tasks like laundry and shopping under control (shop on the internet if you don't already, it's a huge energy saver). Once you have done this, it will be much easier to negotiate with your husband for the extra things you need to make your life better - be it driving lessons, a half-day to yourself at the weekends or whatever.

If you can afford for him to see LFC every week and gamble online then you can afford driving lessons - just that something has to give and it's one of his things. Check out your local community centre too - ours had loads of things like messy play (so that you don't have to do it at home ). Hope it works out.

You never get the power right in relationships where one person earns the money and the other serves them. It's just not a good model. It ame off the factory production line badly specified and most people have fixed it now but not stay at home mothers so these issues arise all the time unless they are lucky enough to have men who value the domestic contribute which is not very many at all and even fewer when they divorce you.

By also letting someone do what you object to you enable and reward their behaviour too. Why does he go to Football? Why don't you leave the house at 7am and put the baby in his arms and say it's my Saturday see you tonight etc.

Gah - long hours! Pah! My husband leaves at 7.40 and gets in at 8.30 if I'm lucky and he still manages to help around the house.

And his day is nothing compared to yours. When my DH isn't around to help, for example, starts at 7.10 when I go in to get my boy dressed and ends at 10.30 when I take him his drink and give him his medicine.

Lots of good advice here - especially about finding a way to get out of the house ASAP! No contact with other mums is a swift route to INSANITY!

I agree with Xenia that you need to have some 'time out'; at the weekend, yes he needs to unwind, but SO DO YOU. Perhaps make an agreement that you each have an afternoon or a morning out; perhaps as you don't drive, your DH could drop you somewhere where you can address your lack of a social life; if he wants you to not rely on him so much, he can help you to address it.

But I have to say I think it's so massively unhelpful of Xenia to say to you "get back to full time work". Your baby is 8 months old. Just because some people don't feel the need to parent their own kids doesn't mean it's right not to! What it's about, what successful lasting relationships are about, is having a balanced perception of what the other does, agreeing expectations;

for instance, my dh's only expectation (when ds was at home rather than school) was that I would care for ds. Housework and all related household matters remained absolutely joint responsibilities. Which isn't to say I never had to prompt him, but our attitude is and was, that just because one of us chose to be a parent at home, it did not mean that that was a tacit agreement to doing everything else.

What needed doing in the evening and weekends, was and is done between us.

It doesn't have to be that just because one person earns all of the money, that they have the right to do nothing at home. Or that they will have no value or respect for what is done at home with kids. Going back to work to get on an equal footing is not addressing the real relationship issue. Your dh needs to respect what's done by being a sahm, work on that together rather than trying to equal it by going to work. That's like putting a band aid on a broken leg.

And if everyone did that and ALL our children were in wrap around care from 7am to 7pm, where would our society go?

Value what you do, make sure you begin to claw some time for you as an individual Mrssportacus...small steps will start to make a difference, I'm sure....best of luck

xenia work is obviously a panacea to you (god forbid you should ever lose your job ) and I agree to a certain extent - it helps to work even part time, especially as you feel like a 'nothing' at home wiht your 8 month old.

I couldn't drive when dd1 was 8 months and it was hell. I passed when she was about 16 months and I can honestly say that it changed my life - but I did live in the middle of teh countryside so public transport was not an option.

Anyhoo...my dh works ful-time and does plenty of housework. I would simply not allow him to play online poker every night for a few hours. It would not be an option. And believe it or not he is not hen-pecked - but we are adults and he (usually!) treats what I have to say wiht respect.

Does he bath/feed the baby?

yes agree with anniemac!!