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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Marriage proposal - tired of waiting.

160 replies

Stephy90 · 13/03/2017 21:36

Been with my OH for 2.5 years now and for the last year or so he's been frequently dropping hints about proposing. He's asked my ring size, asked me to show him the sort of ring I'd like, told me I have a 'big surprise' coming multiple times, he's asked what my dream proposal would be and so on. None of this would have entered my mind at such an early stage had he not have brought it up and I've now been waiting for it to happen for quite some time.

We are in the process of looking for a property to buy together and I again brought up the topic of marriage just before we started house hunting as we have agreed we would like to try for a baby in the next 3 years and Ive told him I would like to be married before we start TTC.

Earlier today he again suggested we look at rings together (for the 50th time - indicating that he still hasn't purchased a ring or progressed any further since he first mentioned proposing ages ago) online tonight yet by the time he got home there was no mention of it and this feels like yet another empty promise to keep me hopeful without actually delivering anything

AIBU to feel like I'm being strung along slightly here and would it be unreasonable for me to have a frank discussion with him and agree a timescale for the proposal? I dont want him to feel pressured into anything or take the magic out of it, but we have both agreed that we want to marry and he's had so many opportunities to propose and so far just empty promises

OP posts:

HebeBadb · 14/03/2017 11:28

You're only 26. I think you should pull out of the house. You could live in a house share for a few years, have some fun. You have all of the couply restrictions going on (but none of the compensations such as certainty, joy and and security of having found a life partner) and none of the carefree fun and freedom of hanging around with single friends.

you are only 26! Have fun, date, but when you get to that point in future relationships where you talk about what went wrong and why say that you walked away from the last guy because he dithered and strung you along wrt getting married so you had to walk away.

HebeBadb · 14/03/2017 11:30

as for 'withholding' sex and the criticisms of this advice. I personally wouldn't want to have sex with somebody who I felt was setting all of the terms and dangling a carrot in my face continually as a means to getting his own way.

DarrylsLilAssKicker · 14/03/2017 11:40

DP and I have been together 11 years. We have a house and a baby. We've talked a lot over the years about getting married and we both agreed it was what we wanted one day. BUT if I had gone around saying I was engaged and planning a wedding he would have thought I was nuts.

We are getting married this year. We agreed to get married this year and chose a date about 30 seconds later. No grand proposal and no ring.

The time is right for us now and we didn't want a long engagement. I've seen so many people get engaged and then nothing happens. My DP's brother proposed to his girlfriend two years ago to shut her up - he told my DP this. They've done nothing since; he even insisted on buying his property in his sole name.

LoriD · 14/03/2017 11:50

In with dp 10 years nearly 11, and apparently his year might be the one

Bitchycocktailwaitress · 14/03/2017 12:02

Like many of the women on this thread, I did not have a proposal. I said after 10 years together that marriage was important to me and he agreed we could start looking at venues. I made some appointments for us, after we discussed guest numbers, budget, type of ceremony etc together. Very quickly we picked one which ticked all our boxes and paid a deposit.

After we set a date, DH did say we should get me an engagement ring, but I thought it seemed a waste of money. We spent it on an open bar instead.

In the end I did get the wedding and honeymoon of my dreams, and even though he was a bit shocked by the projected costs at first, he did pay half without complaint, because he knew it was going to make me happy.

I guess the point I'm trying to make OP is, he might be crap at proposals, but lots of men are, and they are not all crap at planning a wedding and being a husband. To the PPs saying that he obviously doesn't want to marry you, that is not necessarily the case. My OH didn't want to 'propose' to me, but he absolutely loved being The Groom, and told me later he has never been happier his entire life, as he is now that he is a married man.

I still don't have an engagement ring, but I'm perfectly happy with my wedding band. Just ask him if you can start looking at venues, ask him if he wants civil or church ceremony, ask him who his mum wants to invite, talk to him about future plans, from the honeymoon, to your first home, kids and beyond, start a real conversation about it.

get the ball rolling.......

SoupDragon · 14/03/2017 12:50

All the people telling the OP to propose to him - she doesn't want to obviously, or she would have done it

This equally applies to her DP.

scottishdiem · 14/03/2017 12:54

Chick flicks have a lot to answer for. Its not only men who can be romantic you know.

welovepancakes · 14/03/2017 13:06

OP - you don't want to be married to someone who had to be dragged down the aisle. I'd suggest a conversation along the lines of "I love you, but I'm beginning to wonder if we have a long term future, as I'm not sure we're looking for the same thing." If he knows he may lose you, then he may propose, if he's serious about the relationship. If he doesn't, then you can consider if you want to stay with him or not

phoenixtherabbit · 14/03/2017 13:27

He's not going to do it any time soon.

Have it out with him, sounds to me like delaying tactics.

I've been with oh for 4.5 years he's much the same, only ive lost interest in getting married anyway so I don't feel like I'm 'waiting'

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 14/03/2017 16:31

If you want to be officially engaged before signing up for property together then stop house-hunting.
Why on earth did he raise the subject so early if he was in no real hurry to propose?

Fishbiscuits · 14/03/2017 16:32

Bertrand and coconuttella it really wasn't that big of a deal to me, I wasn't desperate to get married, so it didn't bother me. Doing the proposal (and in fact the whole wedding) "correctly" was far more of a concern for him, he's more traditional like that than I am. The pressure to propose was coming from his friends and family, not me. He didn't dangle the ring like a carrot, we just got on with life in the meantime. Might sound a little strange, but he's certainly not controlling.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 14/03/2017 16:34

As for 33 still being 'quite young', well I think differently, but accept it wouldn't do if we all thought the same.

BabychamSocialist · 14/03/2017 16:39

Why can't you propose to him?

Personally, I've been waiting 20-odd years to marry DP and he proposed to me whilst I was washing his vomit out of my hair, so I don't really see the point of why you're so bothered. You're both saying you want to get married, so why not just start talking about when?

Life isn't a fairy tale!

2014newme · 14/03/2017 16:41

"officially engaged" doesn't exist. There is no official or legal status to being engaged.

TreeTop7 · 14/03/2017 17:22

TBH it's the implied power balance that bothers me about this. My feeling about this relationship is that everything will be governed by him, that he will be in control. This could be problematic when it relates to stuff that's more important than the fairytale proposal, such as finance and parenting. OP you seem a little subservient - forgive me if I am wrong. Anyway, stop waiting - talk to him about a wedding date and see what transpires.

QueenInsomnia · 14/03/2017 18:14

Maybe he is planning on doing it on a sentimental day, like your 3rd anniversary? A birthday? There's so shame in proposing yourself, it doesn't have to be anything huge. Plan a romantic evening at home, cook a meal, and BAM go for it.
On the other hand, he could however be worried about the cost of everything happening at once? The deposit for the house, as well as the price of the ring (if you have expensive taste), and the cost of the wedding.
Good luck any how

iloveuihateu · 14/03/2017 18:20

I don't get this...why are you just waiting?

Is this the 1950s?

Have an adult conversation about the fact that you've already expressed that you want to be married before you TTC and you would like to set a date before you make the huge financial commitment of purchasing a house together so that you are both clear and on the same page.

If he won't commit to a date then you have two options - leave him if it's important to you or don't if it isn't but don't expect it to change.

GeekyWombat · 14/03/2017 18:28

If you're still planning on talking to him tonight OP, good luck!

iloveuihateu · 14/03/2017 18:30

...and I really disagree with PP saying "don't rush it, you might ruin it for yourself"

I think advice about pushing down, hiding and deprioritising your own needs and wants so you don't 'scare the man off' is, quite frankly, bollocks.

You are allowed to want things.
You are allowed to want things at a certain point in your life.
You are allowed to express what you want.

Anything else is passive to the point of internalising misogynistic thoughts about the fact that the man must set the pace of the relationship and as women we should just be glad of whatever we get.

I call bullshit on all of that nonsense.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/03/2017 18:30

"I don't get this...why are you just waiting?"

I think it's because OP's boyfriend has made such a hoohah about it all, she's being nice and assuming the manner of the proposal is important to him and so trying not to deflate him about it. A bit like when someone fusses endlessly about baking a cake and you fix a smile on your face and tell them it's delicious when actually you'd rather have bought one out of M&S.

All this "He's asked my ring size, asked me to show him the sort of ring I'd like, told me I have a 'big surprise' coming multiple times, he's asked what my dream proposal would be and so on." I do wonder if he's getting his jollies from teasing the OP .

Onegreatday · 14/03/2017 19:13

2014newme - "officially engaged" can mean in the eyes of friends and family, with a proposal. Of course there's no legal official in terms of engagement but you either are or you aren't and if you are, it implies both parties expressly agreeing that they are indeed engaged instead of dating or living together.

KateDaniels2 · 14/03/2017 19:27

All the people telling the OP to propose to him - she doesn't want to obviously, or she would have done it

And what if he doesnt want to either? Or does he just have to do it because he is the man.

Op even if he does a big romantic proposal. Its not going to a surprise or the same if you have to issue ultimatums/ push him into it.

That ship has sailed. If the proposal is the most important thing to you, you probably shouldnt be getting married.

Razz1eDazz1e · 14/03/2017 20:01

I think he is probably worried about the cost of the house, the ring and the wedding all at once. Fair enough, but he should just stop going on about rings then.
It doesn't sound like the OP is about to give him an ultimatum and I agree that would be counterproductive. But I don't think she should propose to him. Yes I know some women may have no problem with doing this, but she is not one of them and why should she be?

NoArmaniNoPunani · 14/03/2017 20:05

I think 26 is very young to marry. Shag around a bit first

Onegreatday · 14/03/2017 20:05

Kate - my then boyfriend and I had been together 3 years and had been living together for 2 before he proposed. He says he wanted marriage and children but we saw many friends get married and in that time and nothing happened. I was a but disappointed and was starting to wonder if it would never happen and if so where did that leave the future of the relationship. He didn't hint about rings at all even, just said one day he'd want to get married but was vague beyond that. So I was in op's position but not even with ring talk or hints.

Then completely out of the blue he proposed. It was planned, he'd made lots of effort and put detail into it, although it wasn't grand or showy but with lots of thoughtful detail. We have been married 11 years now happily and have 3 dcs

Not all vague or dithery boyfriends turn out to be time wasters. Some want to wait until they are completely ready. Two people aren't always going to synchronise in terms if the moment they feel ready to commit, and it's not all on the men's terms either, I've had boyfriends in the past More ready then I was to make a commitment.

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