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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Marriage proposal - tired of waiting.

160 replies

Stephy90 · 13/03/2017 21:36

Been with my OH for 2.5 years now and for the last year or so he's been frequently dropping hints about proposing. He's asked my ring size, asked me to show him the sort of ring I'd like, told me I have a 'big surprise' coming multiple times, he's asked what my dream proposal would be and so on. None of this would have entered my mind at such an early stage had he not have brought it up and I've now been waiting for it to happen for quite some time.

We are in the process of looking for a property to buy together and I again brought up the topic of marriage just before we started house hunting as we have agreed we would like to try for a baby in the next 3 years and Ive told him I would like to be married before we start TTC.

Earlier today he again suggested we look at rings together (for the 50th time - indicating that he still hasn't purchased a ring or progressed any further since he first mentioned proposing ages ago) online tonight yet by the time he got home there was no mention of it and this feels like yet another empty promise to keep me hopeful without actually delivering anything Hmm

AIBU to feel like I'm being strung along slightly here and would it be unreasonable for me to have a frank discussion with him and agree a timescale for the proposal? I dont want him to feel pressured into anything or take the magic out of it, but we have both agreed that we want to marry and he's had so many opportunities to propose and so far just empty promises Sad

OP posts:
RiverdaleJughead · 13/03/2017 22:39

4 years here and was assured that the ring he was buying me for valentines was NOT an engagement ring x

notangelinajolie · 13/03/2017 22:42

I think you are a bit beyond proposal. Seriously, it doesn't need to be a thing. If you love each other what does it matter? What exactly are you expecting? Why don't you just go out together and buy a ring. And then grab a few wedding magazines and talk about weddings. I don't recall DH ever proposing, getting engaged and planning a wedding just kind of evolved and we've now been married for nearly 27 years.

Miniwookie · 13/03/2017 22:44

I'd just say don't worry about the proposal just set a date. This is weird now he has been 'hinting' about it so long.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 13/03/2017 22:45

I got a massive proposal, huge ring and, a year later...nothing.

Dear reader, I dumped him.

Not to be nasty but you don't even have a ring so you might have even longer to wait!
Sorry OP but I think you've made life too easy for him. I agree with the pp who said time to take up some hobbies and be less available. (If you think he's worth the effort).
And don't put up with the "I don't believe in marriage" shite he might trot out. When a man finds the one he wants, he will marry her.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 13/03/2017 22:47

To all the pps who say "just set a date" or "just propose to him". FFS he doesn't want to get married! Short of getting a tattoo across his forehead, he probably couldn't make it clearer.

OP - men are cowards. He's hoping you'll realise without him spelling it out. Dump him and find a real man who appreciates you and has the balls to commit.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 13/03/2017 22:48

That should read "some" men are cowards.

flupi · 13/03/2017 22:49

Sometimes you just have to take control. You don't need a grand proposal but I would talk to him and say it's time to decide on a date for the wedding. Go shopping together on the weekend or when you both have a day off and choose a ring together. If he goes along with that then all good, if not, say you should split up. If that doesn't shock him into action then you are better off getting out now. Its about a life together not a proposal. Perhaps he's scared his proposal won't live up to your expectations so keeps putting it off.

angelcakerocks · 13/03/2017 22:53

Perhaps you should tell him he's putting you off him by being a billy bullshit carrot dangler

Botanicbaby · 13/03/2017 22:53

Why all the emphasis on a proposal with the onus being on him to provide it?

Haven't you already agreed to marry each other? Why not just ask him?

GabsAlot · 13/03/2017 22:53

thats not long i know someone whos been engaged for ten years and slightly different but he has no intention of marrying her

maybe hes just nervous and its been built up too much now

ChickenVindaloo2 · 13/03/2017 22:53

Of all my friends' engagements, I reckon only 50% have ended in marriage. Many couples actually split up after a year when they realise they will never marry each other. A hell of a lot of engagement rings never get the matching wedding ring!

Someone once said "you're not really engaged until you've set a date" and I agree with that. Don't be fobbed off. Get the piece of paper!

Kelsar · 13/03/2017 22:54

If you have both agreed that you want to get married then that's a positive.
May be you should set a date to both go out together, have lunch an go ring shopping.

That's what we did.

It was nice ring shopping together, then there was no worry that the ring might not be exactly what you want.

Like someone else said - does he have the money for a ring?

Do you think he is worrying about how to pay for the wedding?

He may be really worried about actually saying
The will you marry me words, help him out, see what happens if he doesn't follow any of this through I would seriously reconsider your future with him.

KoolKoala07 · 13/03/2017 22:58

I waited 7 years, but in hindsight it all worked out well, bought a house at 23, sold and bought another at 26 had money to do what we need to house, proposed at 27, married at 28. At 6 years I did say I want to get married if he didn't that's fine,we can go our separate ways if we didn't want the same things. Marriage isn't as important to Dh as it is me.

GardenGeek · 13/03/2017 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whileweareonthesubject · 13/03/2017 23:02

I'm another one who doesn't understand the need for a 'proposal ' . You've discussed marriage and decided it's what you both want. So just do it. Or, if you're desperate for there to be a proposal, you can propose to him.
(Then) BF and I chatted about marriage, decided that was what we both wanted and began to save for a house and the wedding. When we had enough, we set the date, planned the wedding, bought a house and got married. Couldn't see the point of an 'engagement ', we knew, our families and friends knew, so why did we need a ring to let others know? This was over 30 years ago. I got a (small, but beautiful) diamond ring to celebrate our silver wedding.
As for a pp comment about the 1950's, surely the same could be said about waiting for the man to propose marriage?

KoolKoala07 · 13/03/2017 23:02

Gardengeek no, no need to marry first. I always think it's best to 'try before you buy' Grin

ginsparkles · 13/03/2017 23:12

Part of the problem is often that some men want the proposal to be a surprise, they then try to make the surprise and someone mentions proposals, and the surprise is ruined. You know he plans a weekend away and then someone says "oooh he is going to ask you while your away!" Surprise ruined so he shelves if for another time.

I knew a couple and this game went on for ages! He had the ring, several romantic proposals planned and in his mind ruined. In the end he proposed in the kitchen at home.

Stop talking about it. What will be will be, if he asks about rings again I would say "we have already looked, you know what I would like, I trust you to choose something"

hotwater · 13/03/2017 23:13

Now DH told me in the first month we were together that he wanted us to get married. We were together for 3 years and had a house together before he proposed. He just wanted the time to feel right. It is just the way he is. I wouldn't say your DP is necessarily stringing you along, if you are buying a home together that is a major commitment. Give him time

TheWoodlander · 13/03/2017 23:14

I've known many women who've had to threaten to leave before getting an actual proposal. I know of one woman who actually started packing her bags.

We bought a house before marriage - but in your situation, I don't think I'd go ahead with a house purchase while he's dangling marriage in front of you, and whilst it's so important to you.

It's not just the proposal either - some people seem to be engaged for years and years - whereas I planned our wedding within 6 months (and yes it was me that planned it all). Once it was decided I couldn't be arsed faffing around. "will you marry me" - "yes" = setting a date (to me).

ishallconquerthat · 13/03/2017 23:18

Why don't you forget the proposal? You both want to be married (supposedly). So just agree on a place, and then on a date, and make the reservation. And pay to hold the date (that will make it a bit more "real").

You don't NEED a proposal. People in lots of other countries just decide they want to get married and arrange things, so we women don't have to be at the mercy of the men, waiting.

I wouldn't buy a house without being married. Never mind having kids.

VestalVirgin · 13/03/2017 23:20

To all the pps who say "just set a date" or "just propose to him". FFS he doesn't want to get married! Short of getting a tattoo across his forehead, he probably couldn't make it clearer.

I agree, but it is always better to be sure. Also, if she proposes to him, she gets the romantic proposal thing she wanted.

(It would greatly satisfy my sense of the dramatic to propose and be rejected, but I am probably very unusual in this, so if OP would prefer to not have it be a big deal, then setting a date for the marriage without much ado would probably be preferable.)

Yes some men are cowards. I don't see why they should get away with being cowards all the time. If he doesn't want to marry her, he should admit it.
And before they buy a house together.

@GardenGeek: I can't really remember all the legalities of marriage off the top of my head, but depending on how this house buying is done, it might be safer, financially, to get married beforehand.

That's the only reason why I would want to get married before. Nothing to do with "the done thing".

LadyLapsang · 13/03/2017 23:21

If I were you I wouldn't look at properties, use effective contraception and not engage in any talk of rings. Tell him once you are engaged and have set a date, you can go out together and choose a ring. Now be very busy working, seeing friends and getting on with life. Is he indecisive in other areas of life or do you think the whole pressure to have a perfect "proposal story" / 'photos for your friends is ruining things.

WhereDoesThisRoadGo · 13/03/2017 23:30

I can't imagine being that desperate to get married. Surely the important thing is to build a lofe together, marriage or not!? It is not as essential to get married to someone if you are with someone that you trust not to screw you over should you break up. If that trust is not there, why would you marry them?

Nonetheless, if marriage is that important, I would ask him outright what his intentions are.

If it is any consellation, if a man is talking about rings, he wants to marry you. 33 is not the middle age you seem to think it is so perhaps he just needs some more time? He is still quite young.

ChippieBeanAndHorro · 13/03/2017 23:31

Propose to him tomorrow.

If he says yes? You're good to go. You can be married in half a year/a year.

He says no? You also know.

Better than him not wanting and you waiting around for even longer, yes?

GardenGeek · 14/03/2017 00:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.