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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Marriage proposal - tired of waiting.

160 replies

Stephy90 · 13/03/2017 21:36

Been with my OH for 2.5 years now and for the last year or so he's been frequently dropping hints about proposing. He's asked my ring size, asked me to show him the sort of ring I'd like, told me I have a 'big surprise' coming multiple times, he's asked what my dream proposal would be and so on. None of this would have entered my mind at such an early stage had he not have brought it up and I've now been waiting for it to happen for quite some time.

We are in the process of looking for a property to buy together and I again brought up the topic of marriage just before we started house hunting as we have agreed we would like to try for a baby in the next 3 years and Ive told him I would like to be married before we start TTC.

Earlier today he again suggested we look at rings together (for the 50th time - indicating that he still hasn't purchased a ring or progressed any further since he first mentioned proposing ages ago) online tonight yet by the time he got home there was no mention of it and this feels like yet another empty promise to keep me hopeful without actually delivering anything

AIBU to feel like I'm being strung along slightly here and would it be unreasonable for me to have a frank discussion with him and agree a timescale for the proposal? I dont want him to feel pressured into anything or take the magic out of it, but we have both agreed that we want to marry and he's had so many opportunities to propose and so far just empty promises

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 14/03/2017 05:06

DON'T crack in with arrangements for a wedding as if you're engaged. You're not and you will feel like a dick in front of family and friends when they say, "How did he propose?" Or, worse, when it falls apart you will be left wondering how you ended up with a giant cake and 120 jam jars

Tell him he is making you angry and insecure by dropping hints. Do not buy a house with him. Make it clear that he is risking your relationship. He will either step up or step off.

Trifleorbust · 14/03/2017 05:07

*on

engineersthumb · 14/03/2017 05:43

Wow if a man made half of the above comments he'd be rightly berated for sexism or masoginy .
We lived together in a rented flat together then bought a house before we got married. We had both talked about marriage and knew we wanted to before we had children so it was never a contentious issue. Living together and buying a house together is a good way to really be confident with each other. If the worst happens and you break up houses can be sold easily enough why add divorce into the mix? If on the other hand you survive the stress of buying a home, settle down in it and make it yours then marriage becomes more about two people cherishing what they know they have. We decided to marry then ttc almost right away afterwards thinking that things may take there time...we brought the wedding forward!
I hope you do find an amicable way forward together, I would suggest though that there is little point getting too hungup on or in debt for weddings, it about choosing to spend your life together rather than red letter days.

pluck · 14/03/2017 06:54

Your passiveness (not "proposing" to him, but also not accepting that discussions can lead to an engagement of equals) versus his stubbornness (having "discussions in principle" yet not making the offer which you feel will be the only thing which commits him) make this sound like a real power struggle. It's really unhealthy that discussion, apparently leading to an agreement, can't be activated without the acceptable form (acceptable to you) or without unilayeral sign off (from him). You're not going to make one another happy like that.

repaintthesky · 14/03/2017 07:04

DP may be older but in your relationship you are not his junior, you are equals, so start behaving like one and tell him that you want to be married. Right now you are handing him the power over your future and I think you will come to regret that later on. Woman up, dear.

Fishbiscuits · 14/03/2017 07:16

ginsparkles that was my DH. He actually took me ring shopping, bought the ring and then made me wait 2.5 years! He said exactly that, he wanted it to be a surprise when he did it. We've been married 7 years now.

FlyingElbows · 14/03/2017 07:32

Op the most important thing you should be looking for in your relationship is not a chick flick fantasy proposal but the ability to communicate. Your relationship is dead in the water if you can't discuss this with him. If he just talks in circles then move on.

altiara · 14/03/2017 07:40

If he mentioned ring shopping online together then why didn't you ask him about it when he got home? Or why not take him shopping at the weekend?
I also agree with you've discussed it several times, why not get on with booking a date and deciding if it's to be a big or small wedding.
Not everyone has a big proposal. dont set your expectations up for 'magic'!

coconuttella · 14/03/2017 07:41

I think the 'Hollywood' expectations are a major part of the problem. The 'need' for it to be a) a complete surprise, b) in the ultimate romantic setting and c) perfect expensive ring that she will love, unsurprisingly can cause delay as the man anxiously seeks to pull this "once in a lifetime (or relationship at least!) moment" together... the delay then frustrates and unsettled the woman, as the angst-ridden man waits for the perfect moment, as he feels his romantic and organisational credentials as a suitable partner are on the line as he seeks to demonstrate he can pull the 'never to be repeated' moment off with aplomb....

It doesn't have to be like that....

However, although the proposal itself doesn't need to be a big deal, how you both interact with it is really important. If this issue is causing you such angst, you need to consider your relationship. If you can't resolve this to your mutual satisfaction over a conversation or two, then alarm bells should be ringing. Lots of women suffer for years in silence on this, ceding all power to the man.... please don't be one of them.

coconuttella · 14/03/2017 07:43

^
This with bells and whistles on!

coconuttella · 14/03/2017 07:52

If your relationship is going in the right direction, surely the following would work:

"I know we both agreed to get married, but I'm finding this wait for a proposal really hard. I'd much rather it was done much sooner in a more simple way, than in some grand theatrical gesture." If he genuinely wants to propose but is anxiously waiting for the perfect moment, then that should be enough for him to do something in the coming few days or weeks. If not, he's either stringing you along or isn't interested in your feelings, and you know where you stand.

PollytheDolly · 14/03/2017 08:00

My DH was the first to mention marriage but I proposed. He's Irish so I took the opportunity last year being a leap year, to do the traditional Irish thing.

We were going to get married anyway but I thought it would be romantic. The look on his face, like this . Why don't you do something like that? Make it special yourself.

LadyFlumpalot · 14/03/2017 08:05

DH and I agreed from about a year into our relationship that we wanted to get married. It still took us nearly 4 years after that to get engaged. We were out in a romantic town on Valentine's Day (celebrating a birthday, not v day) when we both spotted a gorgeous ring in the window of the jewellers.

Looked at each other, double checked we could afford it and went in to get it.

No question, no down on one knee the staff in the jewellers did give us champagne and roses though.

It then took us another 5 years to actually get married and even that was a casual affair when we felt the time was right.

That's just how me and DH are, neither are particularly bothered or comfortable with grand gestures and both laid back to the point of laziness with organising. I can understand though that our way would drive others insane!

OliviaStabler · 14/03/2017 08:06

I think he is stringing you along. He knows you want marriage so every so often he mentions rings etc to keep you quiet.

You need to have a frank discussion and find out if he truly wants the same things you do as it doesn't sound like it. I'd also make sure there are clear dates in place, no fobbing you off like he has been doing.

AhYerWill · 14/03/2017 08:30

2.5 years isn't all that long to be waiting, especially in your 20s, but I can see why all the hint dropping would drive you nuts. Tell him what you've said here - all the hinting but no follow through is making you lose faith in him, so unless he really wants to convince you he's full of shit, he should shut up about it until he's actually ready to go get a ring and set a date.

BertrandRussell · 14/03/2017 08:37

I really, really don't get this.

How can someone be in a relationship, planning on buying a house and having children, have discussed marriage but be waiting for a "surprise proposal"?

And as for buying a ring then the man make the woman wait 2.5 years for it- words fail me.

flowery · 14/03/2017 09:04

"If your relationship is going in the right direction, surely the following would work:

"I know we both agreed to get married, but I'm finding this wait for a proposal really hard"

How could that make the OP sound anything other than daft, though? By confirming that they've agreed to get married with one breath and then immediately saying she's finding waiting for a proposal hard? That's just completely ridiculous. If they've genuinely already agreed to get married a proposal is completely redundant and pointless.

Blackfellpony · 14/03/2017 09:07

I didn't have a proposal.

It was a conversation, shall we get married. Yes, done.

No need for the big grand gesture.

amusedbush · 14/03/2017 09:35

I agree that it sounds like he doesn't want to get married. We both knew fairly quickly that we wanted to get married but we were 22 and so didn't discuss it properly until we'd been together 18ish months. He quickly bought a ring and had it for months (I knew he had one) before proposing, because he wanted to do it on holiday in NYC. We were engaged two years into our relationship and married 18 months later. Our first anniversary is next month.

You sound sure but he is dragging his feet and that would make me nervous. You don't want to spend your life coaxing a ditherer over the finish line of everything.

TheNaze73 · 14/03/2017 09:44

I think you should ask him, if it bothers you that much.

Buying a house together is far more of a commitment anyway

Hadalifeonce · 14/03/2017 09:51

Sorry, but if you have both agreed you will get married, you are already engaged. That's what it means, engaged to be married.
Forget the 'proposal' and the ring. I would start talking about a wedding date; if he starts baulking at that, then I'm afraid it will probably never happen, and you will be in exactly the same situation a few years down the line.

Onegreatday · 14/03/2017 09:52

I think some men are nervous of taking the plunge. Doesn't mean they don't want to marry or aren't marriage worthy.

In your frank discussion, I might be tempted to say that whereas you realise it's a big committment, by now he should know if he wants to marry you so to think seriously about whether buying a property is the right thing To do if he isn't sure if he wants to Barry you. Say you're tired of feeling like you are auditioning to be his wife and if he doesn't want to, that's fine but he should pick a line and say so instead of all the hints and dithering. Tell him he knows your ring size, he knows what you like so you'll leave it up to him but at some point you will seriously be considering whether you want to be with someone who doesn't want to marry you as it's very disheartening that you're good enough to buy a house with but not to marry.

Onegreatday · 14/03/2017 09:55

Hada / talking about getting married is not the same as being engaged at all. Also op is entitled to a little romance about it if that's what she wants and her dp knows that's what she wants. Getting engaged is a lovely happy event that op shouldn't feel cheated out of or that she has forced did gand by taking as though sn engagement has already taken place. It hasn't.

Onegreatday · 14/03/2017 09:55

*his hand

Razz1eDazz1e · 14/03/2017 10:01

All the people telling the OP to propose to him - she doesn't want to obviously, or she would have done it

OP - You are only 26, so no massive rush. Next time he wants to look at rings, just tell him you've told him the kind you want enough times already and you're not doing it again. If he mentions proposing or marriage, just say you don't see the point in conversations about it anymore and just put the ball in his court from there.

He sounds well intentioned, but a ditherer. Maybe in his mind, he wants to get the house first? Who knows? Don't pressurise him too much though or you might ruin it for yourself. You're entitled to want him to propose and there's nothing wrong with that at all. Do you think he senses you're getting frustrated?

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