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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Marriage proposal - tired of waiting.

160 replies

Stephy90 · 13/03/2017 21:36

Been with my OH for 2.5 years now and for the last year or so he's been frequently dropping hints about proposing. He's asked my ring size, asked me to show him the sort of ring I'd like, told me I have a 'big surprise' coming multiple times, he's asked what my dream proposal would be and so on. None of this would have entered my mind at such an early stage had he not have brought it up and I've now been waiting for it to happen for quite some time.

We are in the process of looking for a property to buy together and I again brought up the topic of marriage just before we started house hunting as we have agreed we would like to try for a baby in the next 3 years and Ive told him I would like to be married before we start TTC.

Earlier today he again suggested we look at rings together (for the 50th time - indicating that he still hasn't purchased a ring or progressed any further since he first mentioned proposing ages ago) online tonight yet by the time he got home there was no mention of it and this feels like yet another empty promise to keep me hopeful without actually delivering anything Hmm

AIBU to feel like I'm being strung along slightly here and would it be unreasonable for me to have a frank discussion with him and agree a timescale for the proposal? I dont want him to feel pressured into anything or take the magic out of it, but we have both agreed that we want to marry and he's had so many opportunities to propose and so far just empty promises Sad

OP posts:
ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 13/03/2017 21:56

"Let's get engaged/married on ".

You don't need a proposal (nor to get engaged, for that matter).

MsVestibule · 13/03/2017 21:57

I have to admit, I struggle to understand the grand proposal idea. Surely you're engaged if you've agreed you're going to get married?

Having said that, if it's important to both of you, he either needs to bloody well get on with it or shut up about it. He's stringing you along, but I don't know why. I suggest that the next time he mentions anything to do with rings, weddings etc, just completely ignore him or say something like 'I don't want to hear anything about weddings until you're ready to propose properly'. Repeat as often as necessary and, if you feel it's appropriate, put a hold on buying a house together until you're both in the same page WRT your future.

BaggyCheeks · 13/03/2017 22:01

Oh just ask him! A proposal doesn't need to be a grand gesture, it doesn't have to lead to a £20k wedding. Especially if you've both agreed you want to marry - see about setting a date for it and taking it from there!

Also - I wouldn't buy property together without being married first, personally.

TENSHI · 13/03/2017 22:03

Tell him you aren't going to discuss mortgages or ttc until a wedding date has been fixed.

Why not hold off dtd also so he'll only get that as part of the package deal?

SuperPug · 13/03/2017 22:04

It can eat you up. Don't let it by making a firm plan to look at rings on a weekend or something. Wording along the lines of "you've been mentioning looking at rings together, let's do it today." If he carries on dithering that is an issue.
On a separate note, 2.5 years isn't that long at all in the scheme of things but it is a personal thing.
Take charge of it, it really isn't just one person's decision.

honeyroar · 13/03/2017 22:05

Tell him you're bored of looking at rings as he ought to know what you like and it feels like he's just teasing you about getting married. Tell him you're not having kids until you're married.

Original poster
Stephy90 · 13/03/2017 22:07

Thanks everyone. I always imagined a proposal being a total surprise and I never saw myself having to practically drag it out of him. I will discuss with him tomorrow.

OP posts:
TedEriksen · 13/03/2017 22:08

Why not hold off dtd also so he'll only get that as part of the package deal?

Is it still the 1950s?

flowery · 13/03/2017 22:14

"Our conversations result in him agreeing that yes we will get married"

Surely in that case any grand 'proposal' will feel ridiculously fake and contrived? Grand proposals surely only work if they are a complete surprise?!

RaspberryOverloadsOnChilli · 13/03/2017 22:16

Yes, I agree you need to have a frank discussion.

But be aware he may indeed be telling you what you want to hear, without actually committing to it.

Make sure you both want the same things, and act on the discussion. If he starts saying things like "let's set a date/discuss this next year/whenever" I'd start planning to leave the relationship. Don't hang on and hang on, waiting for him to agree to marry, etc, only to find yourself wasting your best years and then him leaving to marry someone else. It does happen.

He knows you want to get married before having kids, he can't play dumb, so my feeling is that he's stringing you along, getting you excited by talk of rings, then acting as if nothing was said.

BertrandRussell · 13/03/2017 22:18

But if you have agreed you will get married, whTbpurpose would a proposal serve?

But anyway, I woildn't marry him if I were you, OP.

weeblueberry · 13/03/2017 22:18

Why not hold off dtd also so he'll only get that as part of the package deal?

Hmm
deshi · 13/03/2017 22:19

Don't buy a house with him unless you e set a date. This was a non negotiable for me. It's so easy for men to wriggle out of the stress and commitment of planning a wedding and marriage when you're already trapped in financial obligations with them.

VestalVirgin · 13/03/2017 22:21

You want a romantic proposal? Then do it yourself. The only way to make sure it will be exactly like you want it.

You can get down on one knee if you want. You can invite him to a romantic dinner if you want. It will all be exactly as you want.

Granted, he might say no, which would not be exactly what you wanted, but by now, that'd be preferrable to just leaving it to him. If he says no, then at least you know where you stand.

ChippieBeanAndHorro · 13/03/2017 22:22

Ask him or tell him?

That's what we did, tbh...

blowmybarnacles · 13/03/2017 22:22

Well your DP has flogged the surprise / joy out of any future proposal now hasn't he?

Just be upfront and say you consider yourself engaged to him already and see what he says. If he looks like a rabbit caught in the headlights you have your answer.

VestalVirgin · 13/03/2017 22:25

Why not hold off dtd also so he'll only get that as part of the package deal?

This is a bit unfortunately worded. What about:

"Why not stop having penis-in-vagina sex with him so that you do not get pregnant (which is ALWAYS a risk, however small) without the legal protections being married would provide."

(I personally would just walk away if I got the feeling he doesn't want to commit. But staying safe is never wrong.)

sooperdooper · 13/03/2017 22:25

Getting married is a joint decision, you've already talked about it so personally I think a 'proposal' is pointless - tell him, you want to get married, you want to set a date before you buy a house/ttc

It doesn't even need to involve buying a ring! Be practical about it

MusicToMyEars800 · 13/03/2017 22:26

11 years here, no hint of a proposal, we have 2 dcs, he knows i would like to get married and have the wedding experience... so it's just waiting for him to be ready or whatever Grin OP i am 26 too.

wobblywonderwoman · 13/03/2017 22:26

You know - thinking about it, I think I would say no more to him

But I would totally cool off. Say that you are bored etc. I know some people would feel that was wrong but I actually think you need to take a hard line. Go out with your own friends. Take up hobbies etc

CurlsandCurves · 13/03/2017 22:28

How long has he been dragging this out for?

Only asking because DH told me about his mates giving him some stick about proposing about 2 years in. It took all I had to bite my tongue and not scream 'Just chuffing ask me!'.

Almost a year later he made his mind up.

Original poster
Stephy90 · 13/03/2017 22:30

He first started dropping strong hints just over a year ago....

At 33 he's the only one of his friends not to be married either!

OP posts:
HermioneJeanGranger · 13/03/2017 22:32

Never marry a ditherer!

Original poster
Stephy90 · 13/03/2017 22:38

Yes I have to say this isn't how I thought it'd be Sad

OP posts:
ChickenVindaloo2 · 13/03/2017 22:39

this feels like yet another empty promise to keep me hopeful without actually delivering anything

If it looks like a duck...