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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Marriage proposal - tired of waiting.

160 replies

Stephy90 · 13/03/2017 21:36

Been with my OH for 2.5 years now and for the last year or so he's been frequently dropping hints about proposing. He's asked my ring size, asked me to show him the sort of ring I'd like, told me I have a 'big surprise' coming multiple times, he's asked what my dream proposal would be and so on. None of this would have entered my mind at such an early stage had he not have brought it up and I've now been waiting for it to happen for quite some time.

We are in the process of looking for a property to buy together and I again brought up the topic of marriage just before we started house hunting as we have agreed we would like to try for a baby in the next 3 years and Ive told him I would like to be married before we start TTC.

Earlier today he again suggested we look at rings together (for the 50th time - indicating that he still hasn't purchased a ring or progressed any further since he first mentioned proposing ages ago) online tonight yet by the time he got home there was no mention of it and this feels like yet another empty promise to keep me hopeful without actually delivering anything Hmm

AIBU to feel like I'm being strung along slightly here and would it be unreasonable for me to have a frank discussion with him and agree a timescale for the proposal? I dont want him to feel pressured into anything or take the magic out of it, but we have both agreed that we want to marry and he's had so many opportunities to propose and so far just empty promises Sad

OP posts:
Rainydayspending · 14/03/2017 10:03

In my unfortunate experience that sounds like someone not committed, and possibly a manipulative prat looking for halving his living costs while still waiting for the one (the "right moment" is bollocks lets face it)
Don't plan on investing with him and don't mention the topic/ change the topic. Trust your gut. He's just saying what he thinks you want. Start implying you want to travel not settle and see his tune change

Justanothernameonthepage · 14/03/2017 10:04

My ex was like this. From around 6 months onwards he'd casually drop in wedding and proposal comments. I actually didn't want to marry him so didn't really pay all that much attention to them. 5 years later when we broke up, he was in shock that I wasn't hanging around in case he decided to actually propose. My DH after a year together, spent a week talking about being married before proposing that weekend. Looking back, talking about being married as opposed to getting married revealed an awful lot.

Isetan · 14/03/2017 10:15

If marriage (not just a bloody proposal) is important to you then stop looking for property or talking about children. Once you've done one or both of these things, there's a very good chance that neither a proposal or marriage will materialise.

He's telling you just enough to keep the train moving forward but not actually doing anything that suggests that it's heading for the destination you say you want. It's time to pay more attention to what he does (or lack thereof) than to what he says.

He now needs to walk the walk because there's been more than enough talk.

coconuttella · 14/03/2017 10:20

Maybe in his mind, he wants to get the house first? Who knows?

The Op should know... or at least if she doesn't, she should have a frank conversation to find out. Surely if the relationship is going to successful communication over this kind of fundamental stuff is absolutely key!

Cocopopsrule · 14/03/2017 10:23

Back in the day I said to now DH - if there's no proposal by x date, I'm off. There won't be a discussion because Im telling you now. In the end he did propose 2 months before x date. If I could do things again I would have gone more for a joint conversation approach rather than putting the proposal on him.

CruCru · 14/03/2017 10:24

All the people who say that the OP shouldn't need a proposal make me laugh. She wants one and her partner knows this.

From the sound of it, it could be that:

  • the man is stringing you along;
  • the man is a ditherer and hasn't got his act together yet;
  • the man is trying to convince himself that he wants to get married; or
  • the man hadn't realised how much a "proper" engagement ring could cost and there's no way he is spending £5k (or whatever) on jewellery so is trying to nudge you towards something cheaper; or
  • the man wants to get you a fancy ring but doesn't like the price it comes with so is dithering.

I'm not sure whether any of the above help.

coconuttella · 14/03/2017 10:25

Buying a house together is far more of a commitment anyway

Not really... marriage is a lot more than saying some magic words in a pretty white dress.

coconuttella · 14/03/2017 10:28

And as for buying a ring then the man make the woman wait 2.5 years for the ring

Agreed.... sounds like very controlling behaviour, and downright cruel to keep someone dangling for so long.

BertrandRussell · 14/03/2017 10:40

I feel as if I'm in some sort of alternate universe! Issuing ultimatums for proposals-how does that with? What do you say- "Oh what a wonderful surprise!"?

ChippieBeanAndHorro · 14/03/2017 10:43

Betrand

Why? You have a talk. You agree or disagree. Why is there a surprise needed? I don't get it.

silkybear · 14/03/2017 10:43

Life is short, either propose yourself or just sit him down and say right are we setting a date or what? At least open up the conversation. Women waiting for years and years in hope in this day and age is beyond me. I asked my husband, I just said i would like to be married as i wanted to be more than just a girlfriend. I had relocated to be with him and i wanted a bit of effort on his part too. He said he would think about it which was horrendous, the next day he got down on one knee and asked :) his parents never married so it never occured to him to ask himself. Maybe he doesn't see the rush if you are buying a house etc.

TheNaze73 · 14/03/2017 10:44

I agree with you about proposal ultimatums Bertrand. Unbelievable. It's 2017 FFS. Why don't people just ask instead of dicking about with ultimatums, unnecessary waiting & torturomg themselves?

Onegreatday · 14/03/2017 10:45

Bertrand - it's not issuing ultimatums, it's not as though ops dp has shied away from the whole topic or says he doesn't want to get married. He has made lots of marriage talk and hints, op wants to know where she stands, understandably. If he doesn't want to get married, or not yet, or not for 5 years, that's up to him but op is not unreasonable in wanting to know what his actual views are instead of being dangled a carrot.

silkybear · 14/03/2017 10:45

Eg he thinks that the house is showing commitment. Sometimes men dont get it you have to spell it out lol

Onegreatday · 14/03/2017 10:46

The maze - some people like tradition and it's their concept of romance. Nothing to sneer at. If ops dp doesn't want to do it or not yet then he should bloody well pick s lane and say so!!!!

TedEriksen · 14/03/2017 10:47

All the people telling the OP to propose to him - she doesn't want to obviously, or she would have done it

Can someone explain to me why, when we are supposed to be striving for equality, all the responsibility for this is falling on the man (including, of course, forking out for a ring)?

VladmirsPoutine · 14/03/2017 10:49

I don't think you should ask him - you're holding out for a romantic-esque being proposed to scenario and you're well within your rights to want that. That said, if he's dithering which he clearly is - it speaks VOLUMES.
You need to have a frank discussion with him about your future. If you feel like you're already walking on egg shells then that does not bode well for your relationship.

ChippieBeanAndHorro · 14/03/2017 10:50

Ted

Nobody can. It's an antiquated custom many people seem to be emotionally connected to (I blame the movie industry, tbh).

But if both partners want to do it that then that's their choice and it would obviously be restrictive to tell them they can't do it this way... And one partner may just go for it to make the other happy. (or I myself told DH quite early, in a casual way, that I truly truly hate public proposals.)

It's like the father giving away the bride (bleurgh), having bridesmaids etc.

2014newme · 14/03/2017 10:55

Don't marry a ditherer.
Stop looking to buy a house till the wedding is booked. If you buy a house together he will never propose. Don't have kids till you are married.

Razz1eDazz1e · 14/03/2017 10:59

Ted - in my mind, it's got nothing to do with equality because I decided I was equal long ago Grin I would not have proposed to DH as, to me, that's very boring and I wanted him to do it.

FlyingElbows · 14/03/2017 11:00

Another bit of advice for those of you in your early 20s with dewy eyed proposal dreams... Men do not have a hint-o-meter. They don't speak "hint" and you are wasting your time speaking to them in hints. Talk to your other halves in proper words and clear instruction, it will make your relationships so much easier. It will make your relationships with everyone easier.

Here endeth the Old Lady lesson! WinkGrin

minipie · 14/03/2017 11:01

I set a "proposal ultimatum". Like the OP we'd agreed some time back that we wanted to marry. However we had different views on timing. I wanted to get married a year or two earlier than he had in mind (ie late 20s rather than early 30s).

I could have just said I wanted to get married next year, and skipped the whole proposal thing. Or I could have asked him myself. However DP's fairly traditional and I knew he wanted to propose. I couldn't give a monkeys about it but knew he did.

So I set an ultimatum that if he didn't propose by X date then I would propose to him (knowing he would hate that). He did propose, a few days before the deadline and in a very sweet way. It wasn't a surprise of course but I'm not into surprises.

A proposal for me is not about a staged event or romance, it's about setting the ball rolling towards getting married (rather than a non specific intention to get married "one day"). That's what I wanted from it.

minipie · 14/03/2017 11:02

Talk to your other halves in proper words and clear instruction

I agree. But one person's "clear instruction" is another person's "ultimatum".

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/03/2017 11:11

OP, what do you want from your life? Serious question. Where do you want to be in five years time? And what steps will it take to achieve that?

You said in your OP that "we have agreed we would like to try for a baby in the next 3 years". Do you want children, or does he, or do you both? It's a little ambiguous. And "Ive told him I would like to be married before we start TTC." - actually I think it would have been clearer to have told him 'I will not TTC before we are married'. Because actually, it's sensible to do so.

From your posts, I really don't like the sound of your partner. All this dangling a ring like a carrot in front of you just sounds manipulative to me. It's disrespectful to you and speaks of an attitude to women that I plain don't like.

Do not tie yourself financially to this man by buying a house with him. Not until you have hammered out what he actually wants, and decided that his lifeplan is actually aligned with what you want. If two people don't want the same things from life, then frankly love is not enough to make a successful relationship.

And absolutely do not TTC until you are both on the same page.

user123346 · 14/03/2017 11:21

Tell him you want to be engaged first before getting a house together and you are putting house hunting on hold. He could very well be stringing you along which is why you need to stand your ground and get a commitment before you buy a house together.

What is the worse that can happen? He confesses he doesn't want to get married. You have dodged the financial commitment of a house with him and are free to be with someone who will actually marry you.

Marriage is obviously important to you. Don't trap yourself with someone who might be all talk for years to come.