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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take all my son's toys away and leave him with nothing?

81 replies

DeepSeaDiving · 12/03/2017 12:41

I don't know if this is the right thing to do he's 7. We have always used a "calm down corner" and it has worked amazingly. However, he's a big boy! Very tall and I struggle to pick him up now, so we have had to get rid of it, as I can't put him back, but it has worked great for 5 years!

I've started a new technique of removing toys and putting them in a box on top of our shelves. They go there for around an hour, so he can calm down. It works great if it's the toy that's causing him to be 'naughty' (throwing it/not playing nicely, etc.) but if it's nothing to do with the toy, it really has no effect as he isn't even using the toy. He currently has no toys left, yet none of the reasons are even related to toys, so I find it isn't effective as it used to be when he had the "calm down corner" for other things and toy removal for related behaviour.

He has nothing right now, is that the right thing? He has bitten me and hurt my arm and it's just covered in scratches and bruises... It looks awful. He has never been like this, only since I have removed all toys, but he's too big to put in the "calm down corner" and that would have worked.

OP posts:

mikado1 · 12/03/2017 12:46

If none of the reasons are to do with the toys I woukd put them back and start on a fresh slate. What has he done? I would try to get to the root cause of behaviour is possible and build in daily one on one time as well as overall positive interaction as well as consequences that are logical and fit the 'crime'. Talk to him, tell him x is unacceptable but you want to help him and ask him how you can. Sounds like calm down corner has had its time.

ineedamoreadultieradult · 12/03/2017 12:47

How has the 'calm down corner' been working if you are still having to threaten/use it 5 years after it was first introduced? Especially if you are still having to physically place him and return him there. Doesnt sound like it worked at all to be honest. What things is he doing tat cause you to need to punish him? The puniahment should fit the crime so to speak so it wouldnt necessarily be the same punishment all the time. If he is hitting you why is he hitting you? What is causing it?

Original poster

DeepSeaDiving · 12/03/2017 12:47

"He has bitten me and hurt my arm and it's just covered in scratches and bruises..."

OP posts:

Original poster

DeepSeaDiving · 12/03/2017 12:48

Because he can't have an extra bloody biscuit... That's how it started.

It did work.

OP posts:

RJnomore1 · 12/03/2017 12:49

Does he have some behavioural issues?

You may find support and advice in the special needs section.

RubyWinterstorm · 12/03/2017 12:50

Yes, special needs support may be needed here?

Original poster

DeepSeaDiving · 12/03/2017 12:52

No, he doesn't have special needs. He is never like this. It's literally turned like this and this is the first time.

OP posts:

KateDaniels2 · 12/03/2017 12:52

Does he have behavioural issues?

That will really impact the responses and advice given.

mikado1 · 12/03/2017 12:55

He sounds very angry/frustrated/unhappy. Have there been any changes lately? He must have done plenty if one toy was taken for each misdemeanour? Lack of toys could explain the anger 're biscuit perhaps?

KateDaniels2 · 12/03/2017 12:56

I have two children. One with aspergers. Neither would behave like this. Especially at 7.

I dont want to sound like i am being nasty, but calming down corner didnt work. It may have worked in the moment but it hasnt taught him to deal with difficult emotions.

Removing all his toyd probably isnt going to help. I am not a fan of it anyway as his toys are his own possessions.

Beansonapost · 12/03/2017 12:56

I think you need to find a different technique...

KateDaniels2 · 12/03/2017 12:57

I am also a bit confused. You says its the first time but your first post suggests its an ongoing problem.

Justwantcookies · 12/03/2017 12:57

Doesn't sound like the calm down corner was giving the right message if he's doing this at 7! 5 years after the corner intro.

And putting toys on a shelf for an hour, that's hardly a punishment is it? Try throwing a few in the bin (and actually throwing them out for good) he'll soon get that you are serious.

SouthWindsWesterly · 12/03/2017 12:58

My 8yo is going through a phase of you hate me, go away, throwing toys and duvets out of rooms etc etc. The health visitor advised that it's very likely that the pre-teen hormones are kicking in, which is why schools have a key stage one and two. I don't know if she was right but just thinking at it from a different angle helped me to adjust my thinking of 8yo temper tantrums.

Kids are little people - some have long fuses, others short etc. DC1 has a short fuse whereas DC2 definately has more patience. The calm down corner doesn't seem to be working with your DS at the mo and neither is the removing of toys as if they've all gone, he's got nothing to lose. Has he calmed down sufficiently enough to talk to now?

TittyGolightly · 12/03/2017 12:58

It may have worked in the moment but it hasnt taught him to deal with difficult emotions.

This.

Huldra · 12/03/2017 12:59

Have you tried sending him to his room to calm down? One of mine was a pita at that age and started to strop again and wss getting physically strong. I would tell him to go to his room and come back down when he was ready. I tried to say it firmly but calmly but can't say I always succeeded. It didn't matter if he played, read or did some drawing as the object was to give him the chance to get back in control of himself. Then of course we both got to de escalate the situation.

TittyGolightly · 12/03/2017 12:59

How does that teach them anything about how to handle anger?

Original poster

DeepSeaDiving · 12/03/2017 13:00

I'm fully aware I need a new technique 🙄 that's why I'm asking. I'm at the end of my tether. Maybe it never worked then, maybe for some odd reason he just behaved after I used that.

OP posts:

Gallavich · 12/03/2017 13:00

Time out won't work for the average 7 year old.
Taking toys away is also punitive and unhelpful, especially since the behaviour being punished has nothing to do with toys.
Personally if I have to I just send my ds to his room to calm down. Then go and talk to him when we are both calmer. If a child is so worked up that they are attacking you then you can't reason with them and they won't be logical. They just need space to calm down.

Owllady · 12/03/2017 13:01

I think you need to take him to see a Dr. I don't think time outs work after toddler years tbh and biting at 7 and scratching, throwing etc isn't really normal (though it can be as a one off)
There is no shame in seeking help

Megatherium · 12/03/2017 13:01

Another confused one here. How can he "never" be like this if you've had to use the calm down corner for so long and have now removed all his toys?

Original poster

DeepSeaDiving · 12/03/2017 13:02

Surely they need a punishment for being physical though? Or am I supposed to just let him calm down while he plays with his toys? Then just talk to him?

OP posts:

StandAndBeCounted · 12/03/2017 13:02

Sorry OP. I think you need to accept that this is not 'normal' behaviour for a 7 year old and seek some additional help and advice.

ZilphasHatpin · 12/03/2017 13:03

Very tall and I struggle to pick him up now, so we have had to get rid of it, as I can't put him back, but it has worked great for 5 years!

If you're having to put him in it, physically, it's not a calm down corner, it's a punishment corner. A calm down corner is somewhere he chooses to go when he feels he needs to calm down, not somewhere he gets sent to when he is naughty.

Consequences for behaviour should be logical. If he threw a toy then yes, remove the toy until he agrees to treat them properly. Other behaviours, like biting and kicking, he need some to see that you aren't hurt, that you need to treat your wounds, that it means you mightn't want physical closeness with him for a while, which could mean you don't play whatever game he wants to play with you or that you don't take him somewhere he wanted to go because you can't trust he will not hurt you again. In that situation I would let him see all that and ask him to have a think about how he wants to behave to show you he can be trusted so he can do the things he wants to do.

Original poster

DeepSeaDiving · 12/03/2017 13:03

Mega the calm down corner is for regular strops for the last 5 years.

He has never had such a massive fit that he becomes physical and spiteful. That's why all the toys are gone, as he kept doing it (they have literally all gone today)

OP posts:

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