To take all my son's toys away and leave him with nothing?

[DeepSeaDiving]

I don't know if this is the right thing to do he's 7. We have always used a "calm down corner" and it has worked amazingly. However, he's a big boy! Very tall and I struggle to pick him up now, so we have had to get rid of it, as I can't put him back, but it has worked great for 5 years!

I've started a new technique of removing toys and putting them in a box on top of our shelves. They go there for around an hour, so he can calm down. It works great if it's the toy that's causing him to be 'naughty' (throwing it/not playing nicely, etc.) but if it's nothing to do with the toy, it really has no effect as he isn't even using the toy. He currently has no toys left, yet none of the reasons are even related to toys, so I find it isn't effective as it used to be when he had the "calm down corner" for other things and toy removal for related behaviour.

He has nothing right now, is that the right thing? He has bitten me and hurt my arm and it's just covered in scratches and bruises... It looks awful. He has never been like this, only since I have removed all toys, but he's too big to put in the "calm down corner" and that would have worked.

How would he be good for 3 months and not get a treat when we work in 14 day blocks?! After 14 days it starts again. My child is perfectly fine, thank you.

justwant lying at age 5 is extremely normal behaviour, especially if telling the truth was something that might have displeased you eg I broke a cup etc, it's not advised to punish for this though I agree it's absolutely discouraged here (4.5). Your dc sound lovely but I'm sure you know different children are different and different approaches are needed-my ds would be absolutely distraught if I threw a toy away and I would hate him to obey for fear of me doing something that would deliberately hurt him. He can be challenging and impulsive so I am playing the long game with him. Op says the quick fix did work but as a pp said it was only in the moment and it hasn't taught him long term.

Also, at 6 my son had been excluded from 2 mainstream schools and one with a cairb unit. Due to violence. He is in a special school now, and even they struggle with him. I don't struggle with him at home. Because he KNOWS the rules. He never goes more than a few days without his electronics, he has an Xbox with live subscription etc, he's not hard done by. But he doesn't get a day at a theme park without 2 weeks good behaviour. If that makes me harsh, then so be it!

Does he get plenty of fresh air and exercise? Maybe he has a lot of pent up energy and doesn't know how to control himself.
Sorry if that sounds obvious.

He didn't just want the biscuit. It was something else to be honest by the sound of it, the biscuit probably was more about someone just giving him something he wanted. 'Lovebombing' would have worked better to be honest and doing something fun to distract him.

Why couldn't he just have the extra biscuit, in return for doing something good around the house for example?

Very odd behaviour for a child of 7.

I would honestly take him to the Dr or speak to school to see how they could support to improve his anger. It's not necessarily SN but boys esp at this age tend to be a bit impulsive and if that is resulting in physical aggression, it's always worth exploring what support is available.
I'm not part of some secret perfect parent club, far from it. But there are lots of extra resources you can access at this level, including courses in behaviour for yourselves as parents.

OP I think this book might help you www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B00OGLKHU2/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1489325429&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=calmer+easier+happier+boys&tag=mumsnetforum-21

I've used the techniques in it with my son and they've helped so much. He used to have big tantrums, throw things, shout at me, hit and push me...all sorts. I used to wonder what I'd done wrong but his little brother showed no signs of this behaviour so I figured it was just how my eldest was and I needed to find what reached him.

I tried calm down chair, taking toys, etc but all it did was give attention to his negative behaviour and made him angrier. It's a vicious cycle. The above book helped me turn it around.

Ignore as much of the bad behaviour as you can (obviously you need to stop him if he's doing something dangerous) and start praising any shred of good behaviour you see. Not OTT praise, nor a generic "well done", just a little comment and be specific.

"Ah I notice you're playing quietly"
"Oh you've put x away, very responsible"
"You're talking to me nicely, very polite"

Even praise the absence of negative behaviour. E.g if he was shouting, say nothing whilst he is but comment when he stops "You've calmed yourself down and stopped shouting".

It gives attention to the positive behaviour which motivates him to behave better. There's more techniques in the book about diffusing anger, thinking through situations so he knows what's expected, etc but the above (she calls it descriptive praise) is the one to start with. It's really changed my sons behaviour for the better.

Well I do not have a 7 year old that has to be sent to their room for attitude or for tantrums. I have thrown a toy in the bin before as a punishment for lying when my son was 5.

Guess what? Yes my child cried but they haven't lied since and they still love me. Shock horror! I have 4 children and none by the age of 7 give off attitude and had tantrums!

4 kids and yet you don't know how important it is for children to learn how to lie. Bravo!

How would he be good for 3 months and not get a treat when we work in 14 day blocks?! After 14 days it starts again. My child is perfectly fine, thank you.

13 days good, 1 day bad = no treat.
Repeat 7 times = 91 days good, 7 days bad.

Google Hand in Hand patenting , and see of they do any courses near you. Really effective approach that doesn't involve the while reward punishment approach.

Thanks for the maths lesson.
14 days is his 'big goal' treat. A day at the theme park for us all is about £100.
He has 2 smaller 'goals' within those 14 days. So 4 days is sweets, a week is Fifa points. I didn't think I would have to go into the finer details but some people just can't help throw the 'harsh parent' card around.
I am not a harsh parent. The cancelling after 13 days has happened once. I am however a consistent parent, and have very firm boundaries. I do what works for me, I am actually far more lenient than a lot I know, but I'm not a crunchy parent. I'm not going into the ins nd outs of my sons mental illness to please you. I was merely saying what works for us. Clear goals, clear rules, clear boundaries and consistency and consequences.

Fair enough. I/wecan only go off what you say though....... no need to get prickly when it's you that makes things unclear!

tittygolightly

I don't know how important it is for children to learn how to lie?

Wtf?

You punished lying in your example. Lying is a vital human life skill (unless you want the honest truth about how big your bum looks in anything.). So by trying to prevent it you stunt your children's development. Not so smart.

I think, too, that this aggression and inability to see past his own needs and feelings needs further investigation. It's one thing to behave because of bribes but at the end of the day aren't we supposed to behave because we've learned how to decentre and put other people's feelings and needs above ours from time to time? It's something lots of children need help with, particularly with SN, and it needs teaching explicitly, because some children won't move between "behave or I won't get something nice" and "behave because it's not just about me, it helps everyone get on with things and keeps people I care about happy" on their own.

Lying is a vital human life skill (unless you want the honest truth about how big your bum looks in anything.). So by trying to prevent it you stunt your children's development. Not so smart

You are joking.... aren't you??

@Squills it is actually a really important part of Child Development. It's quite well known.

I think I would just let him choose how many biscuits!!Seems like a very harsh punishment for something (at least initially) very small. Perhaps lashing out in frustration therefore.

You are joking.... aren't you??

Not at all. It's vital to the survival of the species.

www.telegraph.co.uk/education/educationnews/11290612/Lying-is-an-important-social-skill-for-young-children.html

I send my DS aged 6 to his room to calm down then we have a chat.

The biting etc is v worrying at the age of 7 in th absence of any special needs etc. Speak to health visitor?

You need to maintain the connection between yourself and him, otherwise he will not care about behaving and you will find yourself having to give harsher consequences (which in turn will make your connection to him worse). He's old enough to reason with and it sounds like he's getting frustrated with not being able to voice his point of view. He needs to be able to do this to some extent, or he will miss out on important reasoning and emotional development. Try to have 'time-ins' where you actually sit and talk about your reasons for not allowing the demand/behaviour. If nothing else he will start to feel like he's being listened to and this will hopefully help with the behaviour issues that are starting to arise.

I'd probably be taking him to the GP tbh for some kind of assessment op.

Physically hitting/biting/scratching you is way outside of normal behaviour for a 7 year old IMO. Mine are 9 and 6 and I don't think either have lashed out at me since toddlerhood.

Honestly if either of mine physically attacked me like that they'd be upstairs in bed before their feet touched the floor and staying there till morning.

I think you've missed the point of the article. It isn't suggesting you teach children to lie.

Where did I suggest we should? I said we shouldn't punish when they do (but try to understand why).