To take all my son's toys away and leave him with nothing?

[DeepSeaDiving]

I don't know if this is the right thing to do he's 7. We have always used a "calm down corner" and it has worked amazingly. However, he's a big boy! Very tall and I struggle to pick him up now, so we have had to get rid of it, as I can't put him back, but it has worked great for 5 years!

I've started a new technique of removing toys and putting them in a box on top of our shelves. They go there for around an hour, so he can calm down. It works great if it's the toy that's causing him to be 'naughty' (throwing it/not playing nicely, etc.) but if it's nothing to do with the toy, it really has no effect as he isn't even using the toy. He currently has no toys left, yet none of the reasons are even related to toys, so I find it isn't effective as it used to be when he had the "calm down corner" for other things and toy removal for related behaviour.

He has nothing right now, is that the right thing? He has bitten me and hurt my arm and it's just covered in scratches and bruises... It looks awful. He has never been like this, only since I have removed all toys, but he's too big to put in the "calm down corner" and that would have worked.

[pigsDOfly]

At 7 he's too old for a 'calm down corner' and he's old enough to be reasoned with. He's too old to be picked up and put somewhere like a toddler.

If he's getting frustrated and the situation is just escalating until he starts getting aggressive then the calm down corner is no longer working and you need to find something more suitable to his age and temperament.

An hour is a very long time to a 7 year old, what apart from the biting, is he doing that warrants such a punishment.

You don't say he has special needs, unless I've missed something, but agree special needs support might be helpful.

[TittyGolightly]

Surely they need a punishment for being physical though?

In the same way that punishment doesn't work on prisoners, it doesn't work on children either.

Child psychology 101.

[ghostyslovesheets]

I hear you OP - I have an 8 year old girl who yesterday ripped my shirt and kicked a whole in my bedroom door - she is totally NT and doesn't need assessment

Some kids are different than others shocker

I stick with calm patient management and very strict boundaries - some days it's works well - others not so much - yesterday we turned the car round and didn't go to the cinema because she was being vile - hence the tantrum - but she wont be going to the cinema any time soon.

I also reward good behaviour with praise and a reward chart (when that doesn't get ripped up)

She is being tested for thyroid issues as her older sister has problems with hers as do I and DD3 often presents are tired and that doesn't help her mood

Be tough - don't react, keep enforcing the rules - find a punishment that actually has impact (what would he really hate to be take away?) and keep praising the good - it will pass

[ineedamoreadultieradult]

You took all his toys away in one morning? Did he hurt you more than once this morning? What is he doing now has he calmed down. When he has talk to him.

[Seryph]

Just to understand, he has been behaving badly for presumably a number of days/weeks and each time you have taken away 1 toy. He hasn't been good enough to earn any back and now has none at all.
Then, he asked for an extra biscuit, you said no, so he attacked and bit you until you are bruised and bleeding. Even though he has never been aggressive towards you in any way at all before?

Send him to the bloody 'calm down corner'. You don't need to carry him, just take him by the wrist and lead him there. Tell him you have put him there because he has hurt you badly. Walk away. If he gets up, take him back. You don't need to lift him, he is big enough to walk. Once he has apologised you and he need to have a very very serious conversation about what he just did. Imagine if he had done that to another child at school, or a smaller child! He is absolutely old enough to understand how serious this is.

Talk to him about how he can earn his toys back through good behaviour, and that he can take himself out of the situation if he feels himself getting stressed.

[ClaireLumia]

Hi OP. I'm assuming that you've used the calm down corner in the past for the normal tantrums, bad behaviour etc but that the biting and scratching is new?

If so, has anything in his life change recently?

[arethereanyleftatall]

I think you need to accept the fact that this isn't normal behaviour.
I only have a survey sample of 2 dds, 8 & 6, and it's been years and years since I needed to use time out corners etc

[TheDevilMadeMeDoIt]

I think what the OP means by 'the first time' is that after being in the calm corner his behaviour improved for a time. Taking away toys isn't having that effect, he's continuing the behaviour.

At a time when his behaviour is fine (if there is one) I would sit down with him and asking to explain why he feels so angry. Give him chance to talk and really listen. If he finds it difficult to talk generally ask him about a specific incident, maybe the biscuit, and how he was feeling about it and why he reacted by biting. Try to make sure your tone of voice makes it clear you're information seeking rather than accusing. Sit him and you down so that you're on the same eye level and try to have eye contact. Don't let him turn away, keep trying until he has to engage.

And then have a stiff drink.

[Seryph]

Ah, I see, so the 'calm down corner' isn't just a name you use for a naughty spot, it's just for tantrums.

At 7, he should not be behaving like this. Tell him so. Tell him why he has lost all his toys. But also tell him how to win them back.

[Thebookswereherfriends]

Have a look at a Aha parenting website, lots of good advice on there. Punishment and reward ultimately don't work.

[Benedikte2]

Have you got a regular activity that your DS enjoys? Depriving him of this is better than depriving him of material things.
However, I would seek expert advice about his behaviour as it is a symptom of something else anger/frustration and it isn't acceptable for him to become physically violent . How will you cope when he is a teenager? You are in danger of losing your respect as a parent, that normally prevents children hitting. Your DS needs to know there are boundaries to his behaviour.
Tell him that if he is gentle and kind to you for a whole day etc you will do something special -- keep a star chart and lengthen the periods to manageable ones. Tell him how proud you are of his grown up ability to be kind etc.
Does he get much exercise out of school? Maybe a long walk to a favourite place or a bike ride to use up any spare energy. He can rewind after school kicking a ball around or cycling just as well as flopping in front of the TV or a game.
Good luck

[mikado1]

As you took the toys away he probably became angrier and angrier which resulted in the aggression. It's not acceptable but I can see how it escalated. In the biscuit situation I would empathise and tell him what he can have and stick to guns. Let him have his strop and be as nonchalant as poss-was the first toy taken because of tantrum? I personally wouldn't punish a tantrum but would talk to him while he's calm 're saying no/biscuit quota etc. For the physical stuff I would calmly prevent if possible and again talk when he's calmer.

[Mamabear14]

I have a son with ADHD, odd and asd. He is occasionally physical now, but it used to be a lot. He has 3 bits of paper in his room. A 'smiley face one' which has things like 'being kind' 'helping others' 'brushing my teeth' etc. A 'decision face' one. So 'swearing one time' 'not doing as you are asked one time' 'threatening violence' etc. One of those will result in us telling him he's at 'decision face time' and needs to decide to go 'smiley' or 'sad' sad is violence etc.
Sad will result in him losing his electronics until his next full 'smiley' day. He still gets his books and Lego etc.
And huge overbearing praise for all the small things he does right. Massively ott praise. They love it. In your situation this morning I would have said 'well you can have another biscuit after dinner if you can remember your manners and behave for the rest of the day, however if you continue to shout etc I will take the biscuits away until tomorrow' that way he has made the choice to either kick off, and then you just have to see it through and deal with it, or realise you mean it and behave til after dinner, when you give him a biscuit and praise how well he's done for behaving that day.
Time out doesn't work. Nor does shouting or punishment. Sit down, write and laminate if they will rip it up, rules. Follow religiously even if it means it makes life harder for you at the start. He will soon learn you'll be 100% consistent.

[Funnyonion17]

Absolutely do not throw his toys in the bin, ignore that PP. That is disgusting behaviour and only teaches him that you will be cruel and spiteful if he is naughty.

My DS is 7, if he's full of attitude or can't be nice then he goes to his room to calm down till he can be. I also limit iPad or gaming time but not often.

Tbh your son sounds very young for his age and i would question if it's because you have been using calm down corner and babying him a bit tbh. I would expect more at his age definitely.

[ZilphasHatpin]

Ime naughty steps/ calm down corners etc only serve to make children angrier than they already are, and as a result their parent gets angry and frustrated. They really should be called escalation corners because that's what they do when used as anything other than a space where he child voluntarily goes.

[Mamabear14]

Also I have made sure my DS knows that being angry is ok, everyone gets angry. It's how we deal with it that matters. He can talk to a grown up, or punch his pillow, or take quiet time or whatever he needs. Obviously it doesn't always work, but he knows the rules and what will happen if he makes the choice not to listen.

[gamerchick]

He sounds frustrated if he's lashing out. Have you thought about getting him assessed to check for any SNs?

Mine hurts me on occasion, sometimes he REALLY hurts me but it's usually my mistake. He has autism though. At 7 a child without SNs can be spoken and reasoned with. They don't usually need a naughty corner which what yours was. Calm down is where they take themselves on their own accord I think.

[gamerchick]

Or basically just repeating what's already need said!

What about love bombing OP, do you get a lot of lovely time together with snuggles or is it just a long line of nos and punishment? It's an easy habit to get into for both parent and kid.

[SpartaCarcass]

Just checking ... does your child have Asthma ? Are they taking Montelukast / Singluair ?

Because these tantrums sound very much like the side effects of this drug - that are not publicised. I've had to deal with it - hoping to help others too.

[Gallavich]

If my ds was violent towards me I absolutely would send him to his room and if it helps him to calm down by having quiet time with his toys then fine. That's because being violent is not usual for him so I would think that something was seriously wrong and we need to talk about it when he's calm. I would also want to deescalate things by having space between us.

[Mamabear14]

Oh and also, we found giving him something to work towards really helped. If he could have 14 smiley days in a row he got a treat of his choice. It's normally a family day out and we make a big show of how we are all enjoying this lovely day out because of his good behaviour etc. Really over egg it. You have to make sure you are consistent with it though, a day at a theme park isn't cheap, but use vouchers/membership etc.
Any sad days though and his run of smiley days are wiped and have to be restarted. He could be on 13 days and kick off and he has to start again. Consistency is key and I can't emphasise that strongly enough!

[Justwantcookies]

funnyonion

Well I do not have a 7 year old that has to be sent to their room for attitude or for tantrums. I have thrown a toy in the bin before as a punishment for lying when my son was 5.

Guess what? Yes my child cried but they haven't lied since and they still love me. Shock horror! I have 4 children and none by the age of 7 give off attitude and had tantrums!

They are all lovely children who respect each other and other people and are very happy well adjusted children. I did not emotionally scar my son for throwing the toy away (by the way he was warned twice before the throwing away that it would happen and still choose the route of lying).

The next time however he thought twice about it .

If a child is getting physical of course they need a punishment in order to know it's simply not acceptable. The op is asking for advice on what might work. I doubt calmly talking to them will do the trick here. Her child no doubt knows it was wrong, but needs a deterrent to stop it happening again.

[skerrywind]

Each to their own.

But I don't punish.

[SpartaCarcass]

Mamabear - I find your 14 days in a row or lose EVERYTHING an incredibly harsh treatment.
All I have rerad is that you praise the good days and don't take away from thirteen good days in a row.
I'm really shocked. Your poor child could be amazingly good for three months but have a couple of single bad days and bnever get a treat.
Wow.
Harsh.

[mummymeister]

No one on here can give you the magic bullet that will work OP. you have to have a range of different strategies and slowly methodically try one at a time for a week or two to see which is going to work for your child.

every child is different and responds in a different way. I would note down all the strategies being suggested on here and then decide which one to start with first and give it a go.

I would also talk to his teacher about the physical violence against you to see if it is happening anywhere else or just in the home. and make sure he knows that you are going to do this and why.

I can only speak from my own experiences with my own kids (large family), nieces and nephews. this is not normal behaviour for a 7 year old. he shouldn't need to be picked up to be put in a corner. he should be going there because you tell him to. do you have other children OP? has something recently changed in his life or are there lots of changes going on in his life?

there are so many things it could be - a food allergy, SN, side effects to a drug as well as needing a different style of parenting from you. who knows really but you have to find a strategy that works for you now because otherwise it normalises physical violence against you which is never good.