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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's another inlaws AIBU...!

154 replies

ToastMama · 11/03/2017 22:45

I'll try to keep this brief. In laws have serious form for not respecting boundaries and for over stepping the mark when it comes to our kids (7 and 3). However as it is largely well meant I have to let it be, and try to just roll with it as much as possible. They've offered (again, very kindly) to look after the boys while we're at various weddings etc this summer. I've just found out they've booked to take them on a caravanning weekend - including our puppy, who will apparently sleep in the awning (I'm assuming this is an outdoor part of the caravan? I'm not a camper)

AIBU to think it would have been polite of them to have a conversation with us first before going ahead and booking? They seem to operate on "we'll provide childcare in exchange for doing whatever we want to do with them" basis. I'm extremely grateful for the offer of childcare, but my FIL is a controlling bully and this just feels so manipulative.

OP posts:
Primaryteach87 · 11/03/2017 22:51

Yanbu. That's odd. My in laws would never have done that.

welshmist · 11/03/2017 22:52

They should have run it by you first to make sure you were happy with the arrangements.

spellingtestmess · 11/03/2017 22:56

My inlaws have never looked after my children. Or even offered. I'd be glad they're interested!

HazelBite · 11/03/2017 23:00

Sounds like the Dc's are going to have a great time, just be grateful you have someone who is happy to look after your DC's.

FourEyesGood · 11/03/2017 23:01

It wouldn't bother me at all. When my mum looks after my DCs she can do pretty much whatever she wants with them, as long as they're safe and happy.

RuggerHug · 11/03/2017 23:02

Wait is this when you're at a wedding and they're minding them or have they just assumed you have no plans for holidays/camps/anything for the DCs summer and they can just take them on holiday? Confused

Original poster
ToastMama · 11/03/2017 23:04

Spellingtestmess - yes, I am really genuinely grateful, my own parents are completely disinterested so I know how that feels too. But to waive my rights to any information on plans they're making in exchange doesn't feel too good either.

OP posts:
NoMudNoLotus · 11/03/2017 23:04

Yabvu ... they are clearly thinking of your children.

Crumbs1 · 11/03/2017 23:06

Sounds ungrateful me. If they are taking the children and you trust them sufficiently to hand over care then they get to decide how best to entertain them, surely? Why would they need permission as such? They've told you, it's not that they're keeping it a secret. What exactly are you miffed about?

EmzDisco · 11/03/2017 23:07

While it is lovely to have someone to look after your children, I don't think it's that lovely if those people think they can just do whatever they like with them!

It's weird to book a trip for someone else's children without running it by their parents first.

I certainly wouldn't "just be grateful" someone wanted to look after them. Got to have a slightly higher standard of childcare than that! I wouldn't want anyone looking after my children who I thought was a bully, not really the kind of role model I would want for them. And I'd also want to be able to communicate with whoever was looking after them. Doesn't sound like that's working out here?

FlyingElbows · 11/03/2017 23:07

How truly awful if them to plan something nice and fun for your children and also allow you to attend a wedding. You should go nc straight away. The bastards.

Original poster
ToastMama · 11/03/2017 23:08

I'm not confident they will be safe or happy, that's my worry. But I'm mostly concerned about the booking without talking to us about it - it smacks of knowing that we wouldn't be happy, but going ahead and doing it anyway.

OP posts:
Astro55 · 11/03/2017 23:09

I think they should at least ask!

Who would hook a trip without checking the guests can make it? Seriously odd behavior and very rude

Justwantcookies · 11/03/2017 23:09

YABVU. I assume it was during a weekend they had agreed to babysit for you? Are you expecting them to stay in their house for the entire weekend then?

Original poster
ToastMama · 11/03/2017 23:10

I've clearly not given enough backstory here, and won't on a public forum. I totally get that a camping weekend sounds fun, I just would have liked to have had a chat about it - know where it is, how long for etc. Namely so I can make other arrangements for our puppy.

OP posts:
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 11/03/2017 23:11

I would love it if mine did this - but mine are lovely and not controlling bullies.

Are you really not confident about your kids safety or do you just not like them very much?

TisMeTheLadFromTheBar · 11/03/2017 23:11

An awning is a tent which is attached on to the caravan.
I would let them go because the children will enjoy it and get to spend some quality time with their Grandparents. You get some alone time with your OH. BUT I would have a word about speaking with you first before making any future plans.

ChasedByBees · 11/03/2017 23:11

I think it's odd too.

Will your puppy be OK sleeping outside in the awning or are you worried they could escape? From memory, there is usually a gap between the tent and the groundsheet IIRC.

PovertyPain · 11/03/2017 23:12

How are they going to keep the pup in the awning and it will be freezing and probably bark the campsite down? Have they actually checked if the site permits dogs? may be slightly obsessed with dogs

GreyStars · 11/03/2017 23:13

I think YABU a little bit as think they should have run it past you first, but...

Surely it's a nice thing? Apart from being in a caravan surely their standard of care will be no different than in their house?

Our DC love sleeping in the GP caravan with them, I can't think of anything worse personally, I wish they lived closer and would do these things more often. Love the DC but night away with just me and DH, child free yes please!

wictional · 11/03/2017 23:14

YANBU

Yes, it's nice of them to babysit, but to take them somewhere new without your permission or even discussing it is unacceptable, especially if your puppy won't be adequately cared for - and it seems like a show of power on your 'bully' FIL's part ("I have the power and authority to take these children anywhere if they're under my roof").

I would be asking my PIL to discuss it with me next time given that I no longer know/am comfortable with where my children will be overnight.

ChippieBeanAndHorro · 11/03/2017 23:15

That's weird.

And if he's a horrible bully. Well, why would your children even stay with them? :(

GreyStars · 11/03/2017 23:15

Of course backstory may make a difference like whenshewas I have lovely family and lovely IL

SpareASquare · 11/03/2017 23:18

When my parents look after my children, they can spend that time however they like. I wouldn't ask them to do it and then apply conditions.
But, I like my parents.

Primaryteach87 · 11/03/2017 23:20

To those all saying 'you should just be grateful' etc...there have to be standards. I expect my parents in law to be respectful and communicative (they are). Just like if I was house/pet sitting for them (doing them a favour) I wouldn't invite someone they didn't know to stay for the weekend without checking they were okay with it. It's basic respect and it's about the fact that the house doesn't belong to me. The children don't 'belong' (for lack of a better word) to the grandparents.