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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's another inlaws AIBU...!

154 replies

ToastMama · 11/03/2017 22:45

I'll try to keep this brief. In laws have serious form for not respecting boundaries and for over stepping the mark when it comes to our kids (7 and 3). However as it is largely well meant I have to let it be, and try to just roll with it as much as possible. They've offered (again, very kindly) to look after the boys while we're at various weddings etc this summer. I've just found out they've booked to take them on a caravanning weekend - including our puppy, who will apparently sleep in the awning (I'm assuming this is an outdoor part of the caravan? I'm not a camper)

AIBU to think it would have been polite of them to have a conversation with us first before going ahead and booking? They seem to operate on "we'll provide childcare in exchange for doing whatever we want to do with them" basis. I'm extremely grateful for the offer of childcare, but my FIL is a controlling bully and this just feels so manipulative.

OP posts:
semanwen · 11/03/2017 23:25

Sounds great. Children and dog covered in a fun activity.

Buy them champagne and enjoy your event.

SnugglyBedSocks · 11/03/2017 23:28

If you are concerned about their safety, why are they even staying with them?

Twinklyfaerieglade · 11/03/2017 23:30

Gosh times have changed.
My DCs are grown but when my PIL looked after them I was very grateful. Given that I trusted them to have my DCs I also trusted them to make appropriate arrangements. If it's wasn't exactly what I had in mind but was safe I sucked it up. Stuff like this did happen. To me that was part of the bargain.
Taking the puppy too is even better.
As a general comment, MN constantly surprises me when posters complain a) parents don't get enough support, but b) the support has to be pre checked and exactly what the parents demand.
Put yourselves in PIL shoes. Would you think your DiL was being reasonable or a tad ungrateful?
I don't have DGC.

CaspoFungin · 11/03/2017 23:34

YABU, they're looking after them for you, you don't get to police what they do! They're going camping, not like they're going on a safari to hunt lions.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 11/03/2017 23:35

I'd be totally happy for my parents to do this if they were babysitting my DC for the weekend. I trust them implicitly though. It sounds like you don't.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 11/03/2017 23:36

(Trust your ILs that is; you'd definitely trust my parents if you met them Wink)

JoJoSM2 · 11/03/2017 23:42

YANBU... It's insane to book a holiday with little children without discussing with parents first. I completely understand that you're grateful for help but would like normal behaviour from them. Don't carry on not mentioning it, though. You're clearly angry and getting increasingly resentful whilst they might be completely unaware as you e never mentioned anything...

DJBaggySmalls · 11/03/2017 23:44

YANBU and you dont have to be grateful. They should have arranged it with you, not in secret.

WizardOfToss · 11/03/2017 23:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImpetuousBride · 11/03/2017 23:58

I can kind of see where you're coming from, but can also see your in-laws' point: you've mutually agreed that they'll have the children over specific dates. They took the liberty to organise what they believe would be a fun, positive experience. What's wrong with that and why does it matter to you where they go? Unless they chose a dangerous or unpleasant activity I wouldn't question it. When I send my DC to see my parents they never ask is this or that ok, they organise as they please, only making sure that DC is happy about it...or sometimes they come up with surprise trips and places :)

tillytown · 12/03/2017 00:02

The puppy wouldn't be safe in the awning, and it would be cold, so YANBU

Justwantcookies · 12/03/2017 00:18

For everyone worried about the puppy, the op has said the weddings are in the summer so we can assume it's a summer camping trip. So it's unlikely the puppy will be cold .

And we can most probably also assume that the outlaws will be well aware of whether the puppy can escape and take appropriate measures. I doubt they are stupid.

ChippieBeanAndHorro · 12/03/2017 00:20

I care more about why the OP is letting a controlling bully have control of her DC?! Wtf :-(

MuffinMaiden · 12/03/2017 00:20

The idea that anything relatives want to do is completely fine because parents should be grateful for any crumb of help is ludicrous! You should ask before booking something and you don't neglect to tell parents where you are taking thier children and how long for!

Atenco · 12/03/2017 00:31

The camping thing is fine.

The issue is why on earth you'd ever leave your children with a controlling bully?

This
I honestly can't see the problem with taking the kids caravaning, if it were my children I'd be delighted for them, but I would never leave my child with someone I considered a controlling bully and or anyone I didn't like, frankly.

Original poster
ToastMama · 12/03/2017 05:46

Apologies, I should have added he's largely a sexist controlling bully - it's women he doesn't like, not the DC. He frequently overrides requests we've made, or decisions I've taken, and if my husband speaks to him about it then he's accused of acting as my mouthpiece as opposed to seeing us as a united front. He wouldn't bully the children in the same way he does me, my SILs and his wife. Please don't think I'm not grateful, or that the DCs wouldn't have a lovely time (although we only need 10hrs "off" on this occasion, and the trip they've booked is 5days and 4 nights, which is far too long for the 3yo IMO) - my issue here is him deliberately not having a conversation about it because he knows I wouldn't be keen, so he's booked it behind my back.

I do realise I sound extremely ungrateful. I always thank them profusely whenever they look after the children - buy them nice gifts, prep plenty of home cooked food, leave them some nice wine.

Maybe it's just hard to explain without cataloging all the small instances where they've ignored requests/advice and done their own thing instead... I just feel like they've had their turn at parenting, this is our turn and I'd appreciate a polite heads up before booking anything that involves the DC.

OP posts:
Needcourage · 12/03/2017 06:01

OP, I don't think UABU.
You have every right to be unhappy with this turn of events. Whether they are the grandparents or not...if you are babysitting, it is the right and proper thing to discuss with parents if you have plans to take the kids away... That doesn't mean you are ungrateful for them babysitting. You just don't take someone's child away without discussing it family or not.
Even a simple trip to the park/playground...for the first time.., it's the right thing to say 'oh, while I have the kids, I was planning on taking them to the park. Is that okay?'
That way the parent knows where there child is but also importantly can give you tips on things that don't work or probable practical difficulties you may encounter. Also it enables the parents to provide all the things the child may need (warm coat, wellies, allergy medicines,snacks they like, a ball etc)
What if the parents already had a surprise camping trip planned for the kids?
YANBU. Grandparents or not..they should have discussed with you.

Needcourage · 12/03/2017 06:05

You are grateful for their help. And yes, the kids would probably love it. And yes 5 days camping with a 3 yr old without the parents MAY be too much.
But being grandparents doesn't make them parents. The ultimate decision lies with the parents. YANBU.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 12/03/2017 06:13

Oh I think that sounds like too long to be taking them away. And the puppy - do your ILs know anything about looking after a puppy?

Yanbu - I would hate this.

Penfold007 · 12/03/2017 06:15

Ah so that update makes much more sense. DH and you have requested one day of child/puppy care and PILs have taken it upon themselves to take them away for five days without asking etc. That is massively unreasonable. Will DH back you up in cancelling the trip and the wedding?

grace9892 · 12/03/2017 06:15

I have a similar situation . Mil v interested in grandkids and parents less interested. Similar in not great at boundaries. They should have run it past you. But be glad your kids have such interested grandparents and perhaps after you thank them you could tell them that next time you'd appreciate a trip being run past you first.

BathshebaDarkstone · 12/03/2017 06:19

All the people on MN who have ILs from hell, I have an aunt from hell. Ringing DD's school to ask if she could take her out early to go to the Forest of fucking Dean. I was in tears when I got to the school, the family liaison officer took one look at me and said [aunt's name]. I was worried that I was going to get into shit with the school. Sad

liquidrevolution · 12/03/2017 06:41

tbh I would find alternative childcare for that date. You have to stand up to bullies not just meekly accept and silently seethe.

5 days is too long and you have something already booked for one of those days Wink.

OnTheRise · 12/03/2017 06:41

You thought they were looking after your children for a day. They've booked a five-day holiday without checking with you first. That's unreasonable. Especially as your children are still quite young: it might well be too much for them.

Thank your parents in law for the idea but tell them it's not going to happen. And make other arrangements for your children for the day of the wedding.

hottotrotsky · 12/03/2017 06:46

Letting your boys spend lengthy amounts of time with a bully who hates half of the world's population is wrong. Stand up to him and say no. They're your dc - not theirs. I'd be livid at their arrogant sense if entitlement. And - to repeat - a bullying misogynist is a toxic presence that your boys should be protected from.

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