It's another inlaws AIBU...!

[ToastMama]

I'll try to keep this brief. In laws have serious form for not respecting boundaries and for over stepping the mark when it comes to our kids (7 and 3). However as it is largely well meant I have to let it be, and try to just roll with it as much as possible. They've offered (again, very kindly) to look after the boys while we're at various weddings etc this summer. I've just found out they've booked to take them on a caravanning weekend - including our puppy, who will apparently sleep in the awning (I'm assuming this is an outdoor part of the caravan? I'm not a camper)

AIBU to think it would have been polite of them to have a conversation with us first before going ahead and booking? They seem to operate on "we'll provide childcare in exchange for doing whatever we want to do with them" basis. I'm extremely grateful for the offer of childcare, but my FIL is a controlling bully and this just feels so manipulative.

Do you know that you don't have to hand over the DCs OP?
You can choose not to let them have the DCs unsupervised if they don't respect you.

You should not just be grateful. I really do not get where the yabvu's are coming from. You asked if they would look after the dcs for 1 day & they have booked a holiday in secret. That's not acceptable. They are trying to undermine you & this is where a lot of IL problems come from; it's raging chauvinism from FILs & MILs that have gone crazy with their new found power.
Does the campsite hsve self catering accomodation? Book yourselves in too, also in secret.
I don't know where you go from here really? Anything you say will be scoffed at, you need your DH's support 100%.

Personally I think YANBU. This would really irk me if my ILs did this. It's about respecting your wishes as parents, and as you point out they haven't even bothered to check with you. And even in summer it can be blooming cold for a puppy or the DCs!! (Went camping in July last year and was so cold on the first night even with artic grade sleeping bags we slept fully clothed!) Can you find a way to gently say to them that you would have appreciated a heads up, or even say you've got another event booked in a couple of days after wedding so the DCs can't go for the full 5 days? Good luck!

My first concern was the puppy in the awning. Fecking freezing!

My inlaws regularly book things for them and our dd the first thing me and dp know about it is when it turns up in our family calander.

The ops situation wouldn't faze me at all, I am however fortunate enough to have a brilliant relationship with Pil.

Even in summer at 4 in the morning it's bloody cold in an awning.

If you don't want them to take the challenge often away for that length of time, it's fine. Just tell them you've decided not to go to the wedding after all. Bit be prepared that they may then decide they are no longer available for babysitting duties.
No, you don't have to be grateful and accept them doing something you don't like, but you do have to accept that they may then choose to do nothing.

This would not have bothered me with any of our (then) 3 sets of parents. This includes 2 sets who didn't live in the same country as us,

However I guess I am in (was in as mine are now teenagers) the lucky position of knowing I could trust them all with the children and not worry about anything. I think that is a lot harder if you have a element of doubt about how they will cope/what they will do.

My stepdad is a hunter and fisher so a situation like you describe OP could easily have happened. My children would have had a blast and loved it (they adore him as it is) My mum would have cooked and they would have had a great time.

Had my dad done a camping trip I would likely have fainted

Why don't you want them going away?

Of course they should ask! They're your kids. Surely it's just good communication and manners to say "we were thinking of booking some camping over the time we have the kids, what do you think?"

Ridiculous responses on here. Be grateful "oh how awful that they want to do something nice with them" 😒 and implying the OP is nasty and ungrateful for querying this.

Billy - I don't want them going away for that long because DS2 feels too young, and I already have to share my time with eldest DC due to him spending time with his biological dad. Also because my FILs driving doesn't fill me with confidence (they crashed their last caravan), plus I'm not happy with the puppy in the awning and general safety aspect of the whole situation. PILs would think nothing of sending children off on an adventure to explore the site's facilities on their own for example... but mainly because this feels like a another bloody power play, and I want to stand up for myself and say it isn't normal or okay to assume to take someone's children away without talking to them first.

Mine wouldn't be going and I would find alternative childcare. I had similar issues and that's what I did.

you're absolutely right. this is completely not on. even though it'll cause a stink, i'd cancel all their babysitting tbh. try and organise something else. your primary concern has to be your children, not your fil's reaction.

I am very much in the yanbu front.

Could've written your post pretty much so I really understand where you are coming from.

I have no good advice as we just seem to constantly clash wit my MIL over what we are/aren't comfortable with.

Have they actually booked the trip??

Dont let them go then

No YANBU, as a parent your decision is final and arrangements should be run past you first. Your children are not pawns for your FIL to use in his power games (as you have described it). However please stop accommodating a bully that does not respect you and half the world's population.

You mentioned he is not a good driver, well very simply put, my child wouldn't be stepping foot in his car. I don't dictate how my DM spends time with DS but I trust her implicitly, she would give her life for her grandchildren.

I'm afraid you need to find alternative childcare arrangements going forward and sadly may even have to turn down invites if suitable arrangements can't be found. Do not compromise your DC safety.

It's odd they didn't ask first but it's also lovely they care enough to look after the kids and take them away on a little holiday. They'll love it, I'm sure.

That would be so fantastic for me, but tell them to run it by you first. We have absolutely nobody, dh parents are abroad, my mum is very elderly and lives far.

Yes, it's actually booked! My husband doesn't think it's as bad as I do, but agrees it's part of a wider problem. We need to have a proper chat about it and work out what to do.

In your opening post you said they were going for a weekend while you were at a wedding.

Perhaps you should have explained then that the wedding was only actually 10 hours this 'weekend' was 5 days and 4 nights long.

Do your inlaws own the caravan? An awning is usually only attached to a towing caravan. The 5 days 4 nights things sounds like it is on a holiday village like Haven or somewhere. Is it?

No way would I let anyone take my three year old for five days, puppy neither! Woman up, OP, tell them no way.

I would not allow this. They can't just take your children without asking first. It's rude and domineering.

Normal:
We have a wedding and need to fi d childcare.
We will be happy to have them for the day or overnight.
Great thanks.
A couple of days later they suggest taking the kids for 5 days in the caravan. Then discussion about puppy and length of time happens.

Not Normal:
We will have your children for the wedding for the day or overnight.
Several days later inform you that they will be having the kids for 5 days and taking them away with the puppy.
It is in no way fucking normal or something to be grateful for. No one books a holiday with kids without first discussing it with the parents. It isn't normal.

Yanbu

Oh op, that is a massive backstory, I would not be happy with my children spending a lot of time in the company of a abusive controlling woman hating bully. Where he can easily manipulate them.