It's another inlaws AIBU...!

[ToastMama]

I'll try to keep this brief. In laws have serious form for not respecting boundaries and for over stepping the mark when it comes to our kids (7 and 3). However as it is largely well meant I have to let it be, and try to just roll with it as much as possible. They've offered (again, very kindly) to look after the boys while we're at various weddings etc this summer. I've just found out they've booked to take them on a caravanning weekend - including our puppy, who will apparently sleep in the awning (I'm assuming this is an outdoor part of the caravan? I'm not a camper)

AIBU to think it would have been polite of them to have a conversation with us first before going ahead and booking? They seem to operate on "we'll provide childcare in exchange for doing whatever we want to do with them" basis. I'm extremely grateful for the offer of childcare, but my FIL is a controlling bully and this just feels so manipulative.

How nice that you have in-laws who have thought of way to treat your children while you are away rather than in-laws who never even see their grandchildren like mine!

I'm amazed that there are people who feel it's reasonable for someone - anyone - to book a holiday for your children without so much as running it past you first. Utterly bizarre. Clearly I live in a very different world. I would be very unhappy. Yes it's lovely of PIL to babysit, but they are only babysitting. You are still the parent and you are still in control ultimately. You don't sign over your parental rights for that time. There is a huge difference between planning a day trip to a local attraction and planning a holiday! I can't believe that people are not seeing that.

Your latest post just makes it all the more unreasonable. How ridiculous for them to think that babysitting for one evening can evolve into the best part of a week away without asking you first. I would say no to this (in my personal scenario it would not be appropriate for PIL to go away with DC, for numerous reasons) and I wouldn't care whether they lost a deposit or whatever. I wouldn't be bullied into this. And I'd find alternative childcare arrangements for this occasion and all future occasions. I absolutely hate being manipulated into things so this would really push my buttons.

I'm also stunned by how many people think this is OK.

OP agreed to the ILs having DC for ten hours.

They're now taking them for FIVE DAYS without permission. If this were one parent taking kids for the weekend and then not returning them, the police would be involved.

OP - if the ILs won't even listen to you saying you want your children back after the first day, then you really need to decide if you're willing to continue with your DH and ILs taking your children without permission (this is abduction, btw, even if you know the people), or if you want to make a stand. This is a horrible situation, but I can't believe how people seem to think this is 'nice'!

I'd also find somewhere else for the puppy. Having him in the awning is like tying him up in a tent outside by himself (where there will be extremes of temperature). I know almost nothing about dogs, but pretty sure that's not how to care for a puppy.

YANBU... much. Whilst it's nice that they're willing to provide childcare I too get annoyed that you weren't asked if taking the kids caravanning is okay. They're your children

My MIL did similar. She agreed to watch ours whilst DH went overnight to a wedding. She booked them a caravan for the weekend.
However, she then informed us that we were to drive them all down in the morning of the Friday and she would get access to the caravan then (booking in is 4pm!!) She is the type to believe the rules don't apply to her after "all the money she is paying!". She complains, pushes and upsets workers until she gets her way.

We were then to attend the wedding and join them on the Sunday where DH and I would stay overnight too and drive everyone home on Monday after booking out,

Except my children have this annoying little obligation called school and therefore would be busy on both Friday and Monday. She was NOT happy when I told her no to them missing any school (both had 100% attendance and I would not break that for no good reason)
In the end we drove MIL down alone Friday and left her there. We then brought the kids down after school was over. We also drove them all home at 8:30am on Monday (check out was 10am anyway.)
My kids made it to school (albeit late) and MIL still almost got her way.

Feel free to set some rules for the weekend. They are your children even when they're not with you. And also look for alternative childcare for the next time.

Absolutely make other plans!

Your fil makes plans without deigning to ask you, then you can make new plans without consulting him!

Merely sort the issue out and then inform him/mil that it's not ok for the kids to be taken away for that long, and the arrangements for them and the dog are not suitable.

Had they have asked, you'd have said no - which is of course precisely why they didn't.

Stand up for your kids and the puppy! Stand up for your family

YANBU. I'd be half tempted to tell them you are having/planning your family holiday that week, so perhaps it would have been useful to check with you first, to avoid them wasting their money, of course ;)

Now you have explained further YANBU.

I thought they were already having them fir that length of time so couldn't see the issue in going away...however to be TOLD that's what's happening. No.bloody.way.

Refuse to allow it and even maybe they will actually ASK you next time.

We went camping with a puppy in the awning! She was in her crate, we covered it with a blanket at night and she was fine! Just in case you're worried about the puppy that is. People go camping with puppies and dogs and kids all the time. It's hard work but it's up to them if they are willing to put up with the hard work.

I feel sorry for your MIL, she has to put up with the bully FIL 24/7. Is it possible to take her to one side and say that the high handed plans he makes is just not on.

Assuming you trust them to mind them at their own home, why would camping be any different? And a fantastic experience for them leaving you to have some quality adult only time.

You have allowed them to take your children while your at a wedding but annoyed they are planning something fun for them? 🤔

Not read the whole thread, but I'm always for if someone else is looking after them then it's their rules... within reason. I feel they should be sticking roughly to their routine, not letting them eat a load of junk, and not letting them run amok that kind of thing. But other than that I see taking them away as a lovely thing to do. It probably would have been a bit courteous to mention it to you but I'd jump at the chance of some child free time and my kids would love it it would be like an adventure!

Ah, just read the length of time. I wouldn't like kids away that long. Hope use get it sorted.

I wouldn't mind the caravan holiday, I would be a little annoyed they didn't mention it to me before booking. I would also look up the awning to find out what it is check if it is safe for a puppy and then maybe make different arrangements if it isn't.

Yep very odd! I'm of the opinion that take them to wherevers appropriate locally as in staying where I'm expecting them to be at home and going to park, bowling, trampolining, swimming etc and I'd happily leave money for this. Anything out of the ordinary I'd expect a "we're thinking about doing X,y and z, is that ok?"
This sort of thing it's awkward to make a fuss about but I really wouldn't like it at all!!

Also has the puppy got a cage? If not its gonna have to be tied up all night! An awning is a tent attached to the side of the caravan the puppy will easily be able to push its way under the canvas of the awning and also escape under the caravan!

YANBU. It sounds just like 'The Replacement ' - cunning subterfuge to make them look good and to make you look like a territorial bitch. My ILs do it all the time ....

I don't think YABU it's called courtesy and communication. If you were away one weekend with friends you would expect your OH to tell you if he was taking kids camping so it's no different. Plus I do think that they have a duty to clear it with you first since they are your children and you have the right to know where they are when you are away, as a minimum to be courteous. My in laws even run taking my kids to the zoo by me when they look after them! If god forbid anything happened to one of them, I'd want to know how long it would take me to reach them! People saying you are ungrateful, unreasonable etc are missing the point.

YANBU. Because they have offered to have the DC for you doesn't give them the right to do what they want with them without consulting you. Apart from anything else you don't trust your fils driving (that would freak me out more than anything) so why would you entrust your children to him? My other concern would definitely be the 3 year old being away from you for that length of time. I would stand up to them regardless of DH and say its not happening. If you don't put a stop to it now then it will never change. Good luck

I feel really sorry for you. There's nothing worse than a family member deliberately over-ruling you. You explained your situation very well and I can only imagine the other 'controlling' situations you've been in with your FIL.

WHY do some GPs have to do this!! My mother was like this. YANBU to feel the way you do. Trouble is if you say something now you'll get the 'guilt trip' and the 'we were just being nice' thing.

You'll know better than anyone if cancelling this will cause a huge rift. Quite often, people like your FIL are so thick skinned that cancelling would be water off a duck's back. Others, it would incense.

Whatever you decide to do you need to have this conversation with them to make sure it doesn't happen again.

You've almost said yourself that FIL does these things deliberately. The only way to stop him is to show him that you're no pushover.

Anyway, asking them outright why they booked a holiday for five days when you only asked for one and without any discussion is a very reasonable question.

I don't think I'd let anyone take my children away at that age. I wouldn't want the dog outside in the awning either. I wouldn't leave my dogs in an awning incase someone let them out/stole them.
But I haven't got family to take my children away so I don't know what it's like. Maybe if I did I'd be ok with it.

It's nice of them to babysit, but I'd go bloody mental if my DC were being taken away anywhere without me giving the OK first! Especially a 3-year old!

In my experience the last time I posted a similar post about MIL crossing boundaries on here I was largely roasted on here for being 'ungrateful', something I definitely am not. Just because they are offering childcare, does not give them the right to do whatever they like without running this by you. I don't know your backstory, much like people on here didn't know mine, but I can completely empathise! YANBU at all. They should've have asked you, they're your children.

I think they may have unestimated how difficult it will be to look after a three and seven year old in that environment. Especially for 5 days. The inside space is tiny and the outside space you can't keep your eyes officials them. Too many hazards. What if it rains for the week!