To ask why people want more than 1 child??

[Toobloodytired]

I need to ask it's been bothering me for weeks.

I'm due my first child in 5 weeks, however I am absolutely baffled as to why people want more!

Split with the father of my child (NC at all), yes we did discuss having another one for the whole sibling thing.

However, since going through the whole pregnancy alone and now being single, I am seriously questioning why I would EVER want another!

I know a lot will say oh you are single but when you meet someone new, you'll feel with him how you did your ex & want another but right now I just can't see it! Will I??

On a very basic level we are programmed to want lots of children

• children used to die frequently so the more kids you had the more chance of some of them making it to adulthood
• the more kids you had the more help you had on the farm.

@Toobloodytired tldr but as someone who has lost a parent, having my siblings to rely on and lean on, plus knowing that whatever happens I'm unlikely to be alone was a big decision maker for me.

I always said I wouldn't have an only as I was one myself. Then I experienced the first trimester, birth and the first 9-10 months of DS' life.

I know that hormones can kick in at any point though so while we were still in the trenches DH had a vasectomy and I had a copper coil so that even if we change our minds we are protected.

I still find that it's odd that having one child is seen as a 'niche' decision, or is assumed to be the result of unchosen circumstances. The last ONS stats I found from 2013 suggested 47% of all UK families had one child, but the perception doesn't seem to have caught up.

I'm an only child. I didn't want the same experience for my kids.

I had a happy childhood, but it was a lonely one. A single parent who worked full-time. I was also very introverted, so making friends did not come easy for me.

It is interesting that there doesn't seem to be much acknowledgement of people who feel emotionally unable to have more children as opposed to physically unable. Very few people seem to understand why I don't believe I could cope with a second.

I have to act as though this was always our plan rather than the truth which is that I wanted a big family but know that's no longer an option.

I wanted another for no other reason than I wanted to do it all again! I had no strong feelings about having an only child or needing to provide ds with siblings. I just saw ds growing up, which is fantastic in its own right, but got nostalgic for the baby/ toddler years. It's been a shock to the system going back to newborn/ small baby days (I'd forgotten how hard sleep deprivation is!) but we'll worth it to see ds being so brilliant and protective of his little sister.

Time is a wonderful thing. I suspect it's your current situation which maybe making you feel this way. Equally one may be the right number for you. I had 8 yrs if infertility and a lot of treatment so at 35 weeks pregnant one was definitely enough. Right up until she was 4, one was enough. I then felt ready for no. 2!

Two is definitely enough and the right number for me. Good luck!

I have two. It's perfect for me. Having my second helped me to heal from pnd. They are now adults and get on incredibly well, have similar interests and I think they have both benefited from having a sibling of a similar age.

I can't imagine having just one, but I can see why that's right for some families. It's interesting that you can't see how other options are right for other people.

On a very basic level we are programmed to want lots of children

This made me laugh. I strongly suspect that if I hadn't had an unplanned pregnancy I would not have had any children at all. It just wasn't something that had entered my head as a possibility for my life.

I am very blessed with the two I have and feel fortunate that it happened - but I really don't think I would ever have planned that for my life.

I I have two because I wanted a sibling for dd. I have siblings and we get on really well- same for dh. Have also seen first hand how helpful it is to have siblings to share the load when a parent dies or is sick- dhs dad recently died.
Also I felt like I had a bit more love to give and really enjoyed my dd by the time I was ready to ttc again.

This made me laugh

It is true though. In the evolutionary context, wanting to have as many children as possible is "the norm".

@SuperBeagle that's why most men are such horny buggers in their teens 😂 it's evolutionary

Some people struggle to conceive even one. Two is a pipe dream

We're educated animals, though. It's obvious that reproduction is always costly for women in terms of pregnancy, birth, lactation etc, even leaving aside the investment in terms of time/energy of both parents in raising offspring (that's pretty much the raisin d'etre of Mn!) -- and that is absolutely as obvious, and its demerits more preventable, for women in the first world in 2017 than at any time in human history. It seems a big stretch to say that some form of primitive evolutionary drive to keep reproducing overrides all that.

Plus some of us don't seem to have got the evolutionary memo about the urge to keep making babies.

I'm a only child, it was the right decision for my parents and I was happy growing up. It always felt like we were a exclusive group of three and I'm close to my parents.

My dd's 5 months and I can't imagine never going through pregnancy and having a newborn again. I'm not really sure why, it's just a feeling inside, that I'd like to do it again.
I also think it would be lovely to see her with a sibling and for her to have that experience I didn't. But I wonder if that would mean, she wouldn't be as close to me.
My boyfriend doesn't want anymore though, so she may well stay a only child.

I think I had the second one because I loved the first one so much it scared me. I had the third one because I was on holiday and I was in a good mood.
You don't know how you will feel in the future.

Superbeagle, is it the norm though? I don't know anyone that wants to raise a football team. Most people I know want somewhere between 0 and 3 children, with a very small number wanting 4. I don't see people wanting loads of kids, even in a hypothetical sense - 'well if money were no object' way. I see more people wanting three or four and sticking with one or two.

We had ds2 mainly because we wanted a sibling for ds1. I didn't want ds1 to be an only child and didn't want to wait as I hated pregnancy and wanted to get it done quickly. So we have a 2 year gap and I never intended doing it again.

Dc are now 9 and 7 and currently pg with dc3 . But I am DEFINITELY not doing this again (31 weeks and feeling bleugh) and Dh will be having the snip just in case we change our minds.

Knifegrinder While it's true ONS shows families with one dependent child seem to be most common (45% in 2016) it does go on to clarify that it will be affected by those households where older children are not classed as dependent anymore (so only one remains dependent).

In 2016, of all families with dependent children, 45% had only 1 dependent child in the family at the time of the survey, this compares with 42% in 1996. Around 40% of families with dependent children in 2016 had 2 dependent children and 15% had 3 or more dependent children, this compares with 41% and 17% in 1996 (Figure 2).

The statistics do not necessarily indicate that families who have “only children” are more common. This is partly because some families may have one dependent child, but also other non-dependent (adult) children within or outside of the household. Further, women have been postponing their childbearing to older ages in recent years; this could be temporarily increasing the proportion of families who have had a first child but not yet had their second. Further information about family size can be found in the Family Size publication and on the number of children women are having in the latest childbearing release.

Watching the way that 5 month old ds lights up when he sees his 3yo sister is amazing. And watching her bend over and kiss his little forehead and say 'I love you' is enough to make me cry! It makes all the sleepless nights worth it.
Nothing prepared me for the overwhelming love I have for dd and I knew then that I wanted another.

I have a really good relationship with my own db and I love that we have a shared history. We went through losing all grandparents, a parent and a subsequent step parent all before secondary school and I think having a sibling made it all a bit more bearable. We have so many memories and in-jokes together that I definitely wanted that for my own children.

I always wanted at least 2. No rhyme or reason, that's just what I wanted. I have 2 now and I'm definitely done.

When I was heavily pregnant with my first through to when he was about 18 months old I wasn't sure I still wanted a second. At times I definitely didn't. But it passed again and we had a second. That might be the case for you or you might decide 1 is right for you. There doesn't have to be any reasons for it.

From my own experience growing up with my siblings gave us a wonderful bond. Even if I don't agree with them on an issue or we don't see each other for a while, we are totally realaxed in each other's company, it is hard to explain. Now my parents are elderly I have two others to share the concern with.

I loved watching my own DC grow up together. Now they have left home I love how they keep in touch separately from me. They have the same bond I do with my siblings.

DH has not got the same relationship with his siblings so I suppose there is no guarantees.

LlandudnoLlandudno
It is interesting that there doesn't seem to be much acknowledgement of people who feel emotionally unable to have more children as opposed to physically unable. Very few people seem to understand why I don't believe I could cope with a second

That's very unfair of them. Good for you for acknowledging that another child wouldn't work for you. How much better to do that than to plough on have two and potentially put the whole family under pressure.

I think the pressure to have more than one child is wrong. I think there are lots of parents that would suit just having one child and not because I think they aren't great parents just because I think things are a little different if you only have one.

I know there are a lot of posters on this thread that say they were lonely an single kids but surely if you know to be aware of that as a potentially problem then you can avoid it. I've got four adult kids but all my pals with single kids seem to have lovely, social and happy children (adults now). Maybe people are more aware nowadays.

BTW. I have a few friends who have single kids who I met when our families were a little older, the kids were young teens, and I can categorically say that no one gives any thought to how many kids each of of us have or the reasons why. I've known some of these friends for 10-15 years and the subject of why they 'only' have one child has literally never come up.

But: why does anyone want one?! You just do, somehow, for inarticulable reasons. People rationalise the decision, but you just sort of feel you want one or feel you don't. And lots of people, though not all, just sort of feel like they want another one (and maybe another, and maybe even another). Why does anyone want anything? You might have logical, explicable reasons for deciding to go ahead with having one (or another, or another after that), but it's usually in response to a vague, ill-defined feeling - for the first, as much as the hypothetical second.