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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be very upset by this comment?

162 replies

TiredyMcTired · 11/03/2017 19:10

Back story...My son is adopted, we love him very very much and he's our world. We suffered infertility and after years of ttc and 2 cycles of IVF we started our adoption journey. We were very open and all our family and friends know our story. He has so far been the only grandchild in the family.

My sister has just had her first child and we are all delighted at the arrival of our new family member. I was out today buying cards and some presents before we see the new baby (I love babies and was so excited) I bumped into a family friend. Friend asked about the new baby, and commented that my parents must be delighted at the "birth of their first grandchild". I was speechless, had to just walk away and go back to the car to cry with shock and anger Sad This person knows our son and I am beyond devastated that they obviously feel like he isn't a legitimate family member.

I want to call the person who made the comment to tell them how insensitive it was, but DH doesn't want me to. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to let this person know how much they have upset me? I don't want them repeating this sort of comment to anyone else and implying that my much loved son is second fiddle now that the new baby is here

OP posts:
3luckystars · 13/03/2017 20:58

They say a picture paints a thousand words, Kewcumber that picture says it all.

Thank you so much for showing me that tonight. Thank you x

BabychamSocialist · 13/03/2017 20:58

Of course, I will feel nothing at all when my own adopted kids have children of their own. I'll be totally unmoved because there is no blood link and they look nothing like me Grin

PennyPickle · 13/03/2017 21:02

Kewcumber Your mum must be a great actress - after all how could she love a GC that has no blood relation? Strewth! (Fab pic btw Grin )

I am adopted and we have adopted 2 children. Nowhere in my family have I ever encountered anything other than total acceptance of me and mine. Makes me wonder how other people function tbh!

MaisyPops · 13/03/2017 21:04

Sounds like the sort of thing id say and then realise much later thay ive totally put my foot in in and sit at home feeling mortified like i could never face you again.

Maybe im being nice because i sometimes massively phrase things poorly but i think they might have just meant an actual birth/pregnancy rather than any negative views towards your child.

chinam · 13/03/2017 21:05

Lovely picture, Kew. Your mum would be a shoe in for a part on Corrie.

Boygirlmummy · 13/03/2017 21:06

I'm so sorry you have been upset in this way. Flowers

I would definitely call and tell them exactly why they had upset you.

Kewcumber · 13/03/2017 21:17

Thanks - my mum is a star (as is DS)

I think she is closer to him than any of the other grandchildren. Nought to do with DNA or even amounts of love but there is a big gap between the older cousins and DS and my mum was divorced and retired by the time he arrived so they spent a LOT more time together.

Frankly you'd had to have had a heart of stone not to love him as he was the cutest child in all creation and still is despite the rolling eye pre-teen phase.

ButtercupChain · 13/03/2017 21:29

Wow what an utterly vile thing to say. Poor you and poor son.

This woman should be ashamed of herself.

I would just not even acknowledge her again tbh.

I am sorry you had to tolerate that OP.

Jellybellyqueen · 13/03/2017 21:30

I think you're making it a bigger deal than it need be now. I'm sure a friend would not go out of their way to make a hurtful comment, I imagine it was due to ignorance and not thinking before she spoke. To be clear, I'm not saying yabu to be hurt by the comments, but I could see how it would have been made if you had not adopted your ds as a baby, so this was the first instance as a grandchild as a baby, iyswim. I don't say that in any way to upset you, but I can imagine the thought process which would lead to the comment.
How old was ds at adoption?
And why do you have to tell your parents, if your friend meant no harm by it and you think it may upset them?

SomethingBorrowed · 13/03/2017 21:37

I am not comparing DIL/MIL relationship to Parent/adopted DC, I am comparing it to GP/adopted DC.
The difference being the parent makes the decision to adopt, not the GP.

However, I understand with the point about adopted DC being children, which indeed makes it different.

ohfourfoxache · 13/03/2017 21:41

Holy fuck Shock

What a nasty, nasty individual (sorry, don't know if the person is male or female- not that it makes any difference)

I hope you're ok. Unfortunately we can never tell what people are truly like- it never fails to amaze me what cunts people can be

Kewcumber · 13/03/2017 21:45

Sorry something I don't understand your thought process at all sp cannot help you understand. Comparing DIL/MIl with GP/adopted GC is odd and shows a fundamental misunderstanding of the very normal relationship most GP's have with (all) their GC's.

No doubt there are some who don't, but I suspect that comes with GP's relationship with their own children. No grandparent I know has any particular point of revelling in a minimal amount of shared DNA. MOstly they just revel in having fun with GC's wihtout any of the responsibility that parenting brought.

Topuptheglass · 13/03/2017 21:49

@kewumber he is never a pre-teen already! I remember (under a different name) following your threads on here.

I recall being an emotional mess when you posted pics of snow & your ds & your mum. I remember you bringing him home & how wanted & loved he was.

I can't believe he's a pre-teen! Flowers

Topuptheglass · 13/03/2017 21:50

@Kewcumber

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 13/03/2017 21:53

I would ring.

My Husband Adopted our eldest, his parents love her the same as bio grandchildren. His Gran made a photo album for his Mum's birthday with captions and under one picture of her holding our second child had written 'first Grandchild' Shock

Tbf to my MIL she was not impressed and the album was lodged firmly under her chair so the 8 year old couldn't see and it was never seen again!

Kewcumber · 13/03/2017 21:57

topuptheglass he is indeed - rolling eyes, hair gel, cologne and all!

We went back to Kazakhstan after 10 years last year.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/03/2017 22:30

Something others in this thread have pretty much said it all. Unconditional love is either given or it is not. Everyone has the capacity for it. The choice to NOT love someone unconditionally that you should love unconditionally is a deliberate choice, whether you choose to accept that or not.

I've know people who love their iLs unconditionally. I've know people who have loved their own children conditionally. It's all about how much you want to open your heart to another person.

goingmadinthecountry · 13/03/2017 22:39

I remember your story when it happened.

My oldest cousin adopted her son (40 odd years ago). Grandma wrote "my first proper grandchild" under a photo when next cousin had a baby. Unthinkably insensitive and rude. We all told her so.

Pentapus · 13/03/2017 22:45

I wonder if they meant the first birth of a grandchild.

Yes, I wondered this too. Perhaps just badly and insensitively phrased rather than downright rude and ignorant.

Either way, my sympathy OP. I had something similar happen and it does hurt.

SoulAccount · 13/03/2017 22:47

SomethingBorrowed: you are making it worse.

Do you have any issues with empathy / imagination / emotional literacy in other areas of your life? (Genuine question well meant).

blackteasplease · 13/03/2017 22:49

Shocking.

My stbxh has two adopted siblings who had kids before I had our two (so my kids' older counsins).

Occasionally i have come across comments that my two are ex PIL's "real" grandchildren or first grandchildren. I find this shocking and always make sure to say "no actually they already had four grandkids before mine" (plus two in between my pair).

I would never suggest to PIL or anyone else that mine we more theirs than their other grandkids either in words or actions.

Original poster
TiredyMcTired · 13/03/2017 22:52

kewcumber I love that photo! They look like they are having so much fun!

OP posts:
tiredandgrumpy101 · 13/03/2017 22:55

People are stupid, just hope and pray that the insensitive fool that said this to you never has to be in your shoes, you've been on a journey it doesn't matter how the baby gets there as long as it does and family is family no matter what "outsiders" think,hope the new addition to the family settles in well. Enjoy the new baby and ignore the twats xxx

Original poster
TiredyMcTired · 13/03/2017 22:55

jellybellyqueen I think you're making it a bigger deal than it need be now. I'm sure a friend would not go out of their way to make a hurtful comment, I imagine it was due to ignorance and not thinking before she spoke
I think if you read my update, the person meant what they said, and refused to apologise.

OP posts:
rwalker · 13/03/2017 23:05

beyond fucking rude and hurtful to say that
on the plus side you can cut them out of your lives without a backward glance

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