to be very upset by this comment?

[TiredyMcTired]

Back story...My son is adopted, we love him very very much and he's our world. We suffered infertility and after years of ttc and 2 cycles of IVF we started our adoption journey. We were very open and all our family and friends know our story. He has so far been the only grandchild in the family.

My sister has just had her first child and we are all delighted at the arrival of our new family member. I was out today buying cards and some presents before we see the new baby (I love babies and was so excited) I bumped into a family friend. Friend asked about the new baby, and commented that my parents must be delighted at the "birth of their first grandchild". I was speechless, had to just walk away and go back to the car to cry with shock and anger This person knows our son and I am beyond devastated that they obviously feel like he isn't a legitimate family member.

I want to call the person who made the comment to tell them how insensitive it was, but DH doesn't want me to. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to let this person know how much they have upset me? I don't want them repeating this sort of comment to anyone else and implying that my much loved son is second fiddle now that the new baby is here

I'm sorry you've lost a friend, but still glad you called. Sometimes you just have to do the right thing, you know?

Tell your parents if you think they'd find out another way. As far as your sister, I think if it was me I'd be so angry that someone said something so nasty about my nephew, I'd probably want to tear them a new mudhole myself! But it wouldn't take the shine off my first days of motherhood. If anything, it would make me value all the more that your family is made up of the people you love, and who love you, no matter how they got there!

DNA doesn't make someone family, my dad thinks of my DP's daughter (13 years on) as his granddaughter, treats her the same as my brothers kids. If anyone made out she was less of a 'real' relationship because of genetics I would go mad. YANBU. So sorry the talk didn't go well, hopefully she felt embarrassed and will reflect on it and apologize once she has, sadly some people will never understand though

I had the first grandchild here too and when my SIL (my husbands sister) was pregnant years later, someone actually said to me that 'Mothers are closer to their daughters, so MIL said she will prefer her daughters baby more than your baby'
I couldn't even speak! no adoptions here, but I just wanted you to know that there is also another hierarchy of grandchildren apparently! Haha. You can't win!

That was years ago and I still remember it, mainly because it was a once off and nobody has ever said anything so stupid since, thank God!

Hopefully it will be the same for you and nobody ever says anything like this again. I wish I had spoken up like you, you did great!

I think you have actually got a positive out of this situation because as horrible as it is now you have uncovered this nasty insidious thinking, know exactly how they feel about your darling boy and can put a stop to things now before the great clod says something equally vile when your son is present and plants the seed that any of his family feel this way.
It's always better to know sooner rather than later that someone wasn't who you thought they were and better that we, as adults, have our feelings hurt than we have to act because our child has been hurt.
You haven't lost much of a friend if they feel and can say to your face that your ds is some sort of consolation prize for the family and everything is OK now one of you has managed to have a 'real' baby. Sadly there are a lot if them about, thank goodness you discovered it before far more harm was done to an innocent.
More room in your life now for people who love you all

That's an awful thing to say. People can be idiots. OP for you.

I would not say anything at all as you and your husband and your family know everything about your personal circumstances and that is all that matters Let the very insensitive person go on their way and do not be unhappy about people as such

How awful! I was hoping it was just foot in mouth syndrome. Sometimes I'm guilty of that and then suffer agonies afterwards. But to not acknowledge their crassness is breathtakingly insensitive.

I think you're right both to mention it to your parents and keep it from your sister. You sound lovely by the way!

It's so ridiculous. My friend has two adopted children. There is absolutely no difference between them and my bc in terms of being loved and wanted.

I wasn't an adopted child but had stately home parents. I wish I'd been adopted because being wanted and cared for is by far and away the most important thing, not sharing DNA.

I can't believe they stood by their comments I'm adopted and I'm really glad you told them how hurtful and wrong they are.

Hope your parents aren't too upset by it

I'm horrified by their response! We all slip up and say the wrong thing from time to time, BUT to not apologise once you told her how upsetting her comments were? Just awful . I'm so SO sorry

I find it hard to understand her logic at all....

Aw man that's a disappointing update.

Good for you though.

I suspect it won't be the last time you get an insensitive comment (though to be fair they do die down after a peak in the early years) but it's disappointing when it comes someone you thought better of.

My family were all so excited about DS's arrival, I have never doubted he was much loved by everyone in the family. In fact only day DM said (slightly tongue in cheek!) that he was her "favorite grandson"

Hi, thank you for all your comments, it is good to see that so many people do know that adopted children are loved and cherished in exactly the same way birth children are.
Kewcumber I have been amazed at this situation, my son has been with us for 8 years and everyone knows how much my parents utterly adore him. They talk about him at great length to everyone and often force me and DH to go out for the evening just so they can babysit and have him all to themselves . My sister loves him to bits too, and spoils him rotten whenever she gets the chance (she has been telling him what a fabulous cousin he's going to be while she was pregnant and he has loved being included in her nursery decorating and buggy shopping etc! ) This 'friend' has been a family friend for years, and so knows how much my son means to the family. I had no idea that this was their way of thinking about him, and I am so disappointed by it .

We have had ignorant comments in the past from people who don't know much about adoption, and I usually just take the opportunity to politely put them straight. I can honestly say that when this has happened people tend to be mortified when they understand that what they've said could be hurtful. So I thought that our 'friend' would be the same and see that they were being crass... as my Nanna used to say "there's no accounting for folk"!

I know this is probably 'soppy' by MN standards, but my mum read this, typed it on an index card, and gave it to me. I treasure it.

Not flesh of my flesh,
Nor bone of my bone,
but still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute;
You didn't grow under my heart
but in it.

Crikey - I thought he had been with you a year or two!

In that case their response is even more bizarre!

Appalling thing to say. I would avoid them in future .

Have you told your family?

It must have been horrible hearing those words from someone you thought was on the same wavelength..
You gave them a chance but no, they did mean it, and were being as bad as they seemed : They said I was being over sensitive and making a mountain out of a molehill. Shame on them.
From now on they're not involved in your family, their loss.
You were courageous and confronted them.

Yeah, it must have been horrible. The only thing I can possibly think that they meant was it's the first time they've actually had the birth of a grandchild to look forwards to, because obviously they didn't know when your son was born. Possibly just very badly put. But even if it was a slip they should have apologised immediately.

Bill that is the kind of possibility I wondered about and I do give people a bit of leeway - but if that were the case and someone called you on it, you'd fall over yourself apologising wouldn't you!

Just what I was laboriously typing, Kewcumber! Interesting to see what the 'friend' will say to the rest of the family.

Pleased you spoke to them op.

No adoptions in my family but there is my stepdad.. His parents were as much my grandparents as my other grandparents were..

Biology doesn't get create families.. Love does..

Oh my
After reading all these posts I am afraid I have to admit it, I am the kind of person who could have thought what your friend said I wouldn't have said it as not to hurt you though.
I haven't adopted myself but can imagine that an adoptive parent forms the same bond with an adopted child than with a biological child. Because the baby/child was wanted, because you went through a long and hard process which in a symbolic way could be compared to pregnancy.
Grandparents however, both for adopted and bio GC usually take a minor role in the process (if any), and are told one day this is your GC. If it is a bio GC, they have a blood link to the child, can search for ressemblances etc. With an adopted GC where does the unconditional love come from?
I am not trying to convince anyone, just explaining why some people can understand parents treating DC the same but not GParents.

Something My grandparents had 15 grandchildren. Four of us were adopted and we were loved and wanted from the moment our parents brought us home. We were never treated, nor did we ever feel, any differently than 'blood' grandchildren by them.

With an adopted GC where does the unconditional love come from?

This is an astoundingly ignorant question. The same place unconditional love comes from with anyone. From the heart of a loving person who is overjoyed at the addition to their family. No matter how that addition came about.

So sorry you have had to deal with this, OP.

Some people really are just utterly thick.

YANBU.

That was a horrible, insensitive thing to say. You probably should have replied with something to make them feel shit about their comment, then and there, but I'm guessing you were feeling completely flabbergasted.

I had a 'friend' who used to constantly make unnecessary, snide remarks. I'm no longer friends with her.

Blank this person next time you cross paths with each other.

Even if the first comment was just not thought through, how they could have the front, when called on it, to say anything other than 'I'm so very sorry, I was stupid and wrong' beats me. I have children in my wider family who came to us through adoption and all family members would be appalled at anyone saying they weren't 'real' family members. Their grandparents idolise them. They are loved unconditionally, as they should be. Don't have anything to do with this person again.