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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be very upset by this comment?

162 replies

TiredyMcTired · 11/03/2017 19:10

Back story...My son is adopted, we love him very very much and he's our world. We suffered infertility and after years of ttc and 2 cycles of IVF we started our adoption journey. We were very open and all our family and friends know our story. He has so far been the only grandchild in the family.

My sister has just had her first child and we are all delighted at the arrival of our new family member. I was out today buying cards and some presents before we see the new baby (I love babies and was so excited) I bumped into a family friend. Friend asked about the new baby, and commented that my parents must be delighted at the "birth of their first grandchild". I was speechless, had to just walk away and go back to the car to cry with shock and anger Sad This person knows our son and I am beyond devastated that they obviously feel like he isn't a legitimate family member.

I want to call the person who made the comment to tell them how insensitive it was, but DH doesn't want me to. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to let this person know how much they have upset me? I don't want them repeating this sort of comment to anyone else and implying that my much loved son is second fiddle now that the new baby is here

OP posts:
bostonkremekrazy · 11/03/2017 20:19

YANBU
If anybody said this about my ac i'd be furious.
I would give a call and just say i wanted to correct you and was too shocked to at the time. my parents have just had a 2nd grandchild, as you know my child is their 1st grandchild. please dont make the mistake in front of my family again, it is very hurtful.

Rufus27 · 11/03/2017 20:25

No helpful advice other than to say I really feel for you. As an adopted mum myself, I read your post thinking that could so easily be me in the same situation. It astonishes me that people can be so insensitive - in our case we've been asked about DS's 'real parents', questioned as to why I needed parental leave as 'it's not like you've given birth, is it?' and, on numerous occasions, people have assumed, with great pity, that us adopting is 'third best' (after IVF and biological child). I couldnt give a damn about the precise method by which DS came into our family. What matters is that we adore him and want the very best for him. We really could not love him more, regardless of DNA or anything else.

I'm quickly learning to develop thick skin, but it's not easy. There are some very ignorant people out there - and some very insensitive ones. It's best to ignore them and instead focus on the love and support you have from all those who do get it.
Flowers

Shallishanti · 11/03/2017 20:44

YANBU at all, terrible thing to say. I think bostonkermekrazy's wording is good, but I also think your DP could ring and say how upset you are. Or, you could put it in a letter? If the person is usually a normal human being they would want to know they had upset you surely, rather than be at risk of doing so again.
And maybe practise some snappy comebacks incase you meet any other idiots.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 11/03/2017 20:49

My adoptive father's(step parent adoption) wife once said "so,do you see much of your real dad to me"

I'm afraid I rather childishly scratched "he is my real dad you cunt" into her kitchen table.

In my defence I was just 18 and the divorce had been harsh on me.

YANBU I couldn't stop myself saying something

AcrossthePond55 · 11/03/2017 20:52

As an adopted child, I'd like you to call them too! But it's your decision now that the moment has passed.

Do you think it likely that these insensitive morons will run into your parents or DSis and make the same comment? If they do, will they get short shrift from them?

You could always call to express your opinion and say "And I know my parents/sister would be very upset if you were to say this to them, so I felt you should know how upsetting saying such a thing would be."

VilootShesCute · 11/03/2017 20:52

We had this with dd1. Husband was practically dad, took her on etc all the family loved her. Ds was born and he was first biological gc and people said the same thing. Just ignore them and realise what sort of people they are. Not ones you can be arsed with.

bookwormnerd · 11/03/2017 20:52

What an awful thing to say. I have an adopted nephew and I see him the same as my other nephew, I adore them both. My nephew was meant to join our family and our lifes have been trully blessed to have him in it. He is loved by the whole family and certainly seen as same as all the grandchildren. Some people are just clueless and I would be tempted to say something to

Barbadosgirl · 11/03/2017 21:02

YANBU. Flowersfrom one adopter to another.

Astoria7974 · 11/03/2017 21:07

I would have humiliated the person there and then, no holds barred. I personally think you should raise it when you next see them, tell them in person how hurt you are, and that you no longer consider them a friend.

Astoria7974 · 11/03/2017 21:08

I would have humiliated the person there and then, no holds barred. I personally think you should raise it when you next see them, tell them in person how hurt you are, and that you no longer consider them a friend.

LadyIrisBarclay · 11/03/2017 21:33

I'm so sorry - what a horribly insensitive thing to say.

I hope I would never be so stupid but I know that often in conversation I am guilty of saying the most ridiculous things.

It's mainly nerves and anxiety. I usually manage to hold it together but sometimes I end up talking on 'autopilot' and wouldn't be at all surprised if I came out with something like that.

Having said that I would be absolutely distraught at the thought of causing someone hurt and I would certainly want to be told of it.

MintyLizzy9 · 11/03/2017 21:34

Flowers some people are twats, as an adopter I've heard some shite spouted as well and I'd like to say I've matured and developed a thick skin over the last 18 months but I'd be lying!

Not the most hurtful but the most common question I get is oh does DS still see his real mum, now I just do a head tilt and say of course, he sees me every day then stalk off rolling my eyes

EatsLeavesAndShit · 11/03/2017 21:48

Do you think that the 'birth' part might have been what your friend meant rather than the 'first grandchild' part? I wouldn't be so quick to put it down to vindictiveness, she may be feeling horrified at putting her foot in her mouth accidentally.

Original poster
TiredyMcTired · 11/03/2017 22:39

I took a while to think about what I would say, especially as previous posters who were adopted have encouraged me to say something to the family friend and not leave it.
DH was convinced by this too, as I asked him how he would feel if anyone ever said something like this to DS. We have to challenge comments like this to protect DS.

I called the friend. Unfortunately yes, they did mean 'first grandchild' for my parents, and when I explained how hurtful that was and that my parents already have a grandchild, they blustered a bit about how they "of course" meant the first 'real' grandchild. I asked them to stop, they were making it worse and unless they were prepared to really think about how amazingly insensitive they were being and apologise then I didn't think I could ever see them again. They said I was being over sensitive and making a mountain out of a molehill. I got to the point where I understood I was not getting anywhere so I ended the call. I'm so shocked and disappointed, I've known this person for years!

Effing hell, I'm going to have to tell my parents now and they are going to be upset too Sad Think we'll have to keep this from my sister as I don't want her to have any part of her happiness intruded on by this.

OP posts:
Dumbo412 · 11/03/2017 22:51

Some people can be awful. My husband isn't DDs biological father, but he's been there since she was 3 years old.she is the oldest child of the family if that makes sense? There are grandchildren who are all 4 + years younger.

The Christmas that just went MILs sister was talking about gifts she had bought people.
Mentioned DDs gift, and said, mum what did you buy little dumbo?
Oh she said, I'm far too busy having to buy for my own great grandchildren.
She was bollocked and ever since I heard she felt that way, I cannot excuse it. I just can't.
My sweet little 9 year old who has thought of gifts for husbands nan, and is an easy child to like, writes her cards and everything,
No. I'm not impressed, and husband hasn't felt obligated to go and visit her since.

I don't know why people feel the need to be so spiteful to/about children.

SuperPug · 11/03/2017 22:57

A parent is someone who loves their child unconditionally and raises them with love and affection - your son is your child. Your friend is an idiot.
I'd phone her and I certainly wouldn't worry about her becoming upset/ embarrassed. Some people are unbelievably small
minded.

SuperPug · 11/03/2017 22:59

Just read your reply. Yep, your "friend" has a brain the size of a peanut.

grittynitty · 11/03/2017 23:00

So sorry for you. It's hurtful and stupid
Flowers

ChippieBeanAndHorro · 11/03/2017 23:01

That's awful.

Yes, your parents need to know.

THis person sounds toxic, insensitive and just really stupid!!!

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask · 11/03/2017 23:03

That's utterly awful OP - I know it feels shitty to call people and bring things up after the event but it's really important to challenge it. Imagine your DS hearing a throwaway remark like that one day! Sadly though I do think a lot of people think like this. DH and I hope to adopt one day (have always intended to as well as having birth children) and when I first mentioned it to my mother she asked why since we already have a 'real' child, and then said she'd never feel the same about a dc we adopted. She has also said that she hopes my DSis and her wife don't have children (as will necessarily be by adoption or donor sperm) and she wouldn't feel they were 'really' her grandchildren either. I just hope if and when we do adopt or DSis has children the reality alters things for her or I can foresee us all having considerably less to do with her!

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask · 11/03/2017 23:05

Sorry crossposted with you! Glad you called but WHAT a knob Shock.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 11/03/2017 23:05

People can be cunts. I was adopted when I was very young by my 'stepdad' - he is still with my mum and when his bitch of a mother died we found out that she had insisted on the words 'adopted granddaughter' in her Will

OneSecondAfter · 11/03/2017 23:27

Shame about the fallout, but sounds like good riddance to a massive idiot to be honest!

SoulAccount · 11/03/2017 23:39

Ok, call is done and they have compounded their ignorance and horribleness.

I was going to suggest you call them and instead of focusing on upset to you, you said 'by the way, I would advise you not to refer to the new baby as their first grandchild when you speak to Mum and Dad, they would be very upset to hear my DS referred to as not being their grandchild'.

They sound thick and unpleasant.

MrsMcMoo · 12/03/2017 00:02

How upsetting for you. And of course they would say you're being 'over sensitive' and 'making a mountain out of a molehill'. These types always do.

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