to be very upset by this comment?

[TiredyMcTired]

Back story...My son is adopted, we love him very very much and he's our world. We suffered infertility and after years of ttc and 2 cycles of IVF we started our adoption journey. We were very open and all our family and friends know our story. He has so far been the only grandchild in the family.

My sister has just had her first child and we are all delighted at the arrival of our new family member. I was out today buying cards and some presents before we see the new baby (I love babies and was so excited) I bumped into a family friend. Friend asked about the new baby, and commented that my parents must be delighted at the "birth of their first grandchild". I was speechless, had to just walk away and go back to the car to cry with shock and anger This person knows our son and I am beyond devastated that they obviously feel like he isn't a legitimate family member.

I want to call the person who made the comment to tell them how insensitive it was, but DH doesn't want me to. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to let this person know how much they have upset me? I don't want them repeating this sort of comment to anyone else and implying that my much loved son is second fiddle now that the new baby is here

Well done calling and trying to explain how awful what they said was. I'm an adoptee and it boils my blood when people use the word "real" about biological parents. My real parents are my mum and dad, who raised me, love me and did everything bar conceive and birth me. Twats like that make me rage.

Somethingborrowed

Is that why you think your parents love your child? Because they can see a resemblance? Because they share 25% of the childs DNA?

IME grandparents generally find it much easier to bond with grandchildren despite their origins because they have a pretty level playing field - no pregnancy, no hormones.

My neice is pregnant, it will be my mothers first great grandchild and she will dote on it despite sharing only 12.5% of her DNA (or blood if you prefer) - do you think she will love the new great grandchild half as much as her grand-daughter.

Or do you think that she will love her new great grandchild 12.5 times more than my DS who shares no DNA with her but whom she sees three or four times a week and whom she goes on holiday with. Who's nappies she' changed, nativity plays she's watched etc

Do you think that what creates a family, shared tissue and bone (at least partially) or shared experiences and conscious decisions and need. Doesn't bode well for your DH that you cant really love him because he isn't "blood"

I do understand the feeling that you can't possibly love anyone as much as you love your own children - but I'm surprised you can't imagine how grandparents might feel about all of their grandchildren.

This makes me so cross!

I am adopted and remember how my paternal grandma (we did not see her often maybe only twice a year) told me how happy she was to have had a REAL granddaughter (when my cousin was born) as I was not a real one. When I piped up "yes I am" she replied "no you are not you are adopted".

I was probably aged about 9.

It hurt like hell (still does actually) and I could not find the words to tell my parents. Instead I just ended up having a meltdown and being taken home early.

I am sure if I told my dad this today (it was his mother - who has now been dead for over 30 years) he would cry at the thought of his mum thinking and saying that and being so cruel to me.

I would speak to the person who said it. At all costs please try to ensure she never repeats those words in front of your DS or passes on that sentiment to the parents of another adopted child

*With an adopted GC where does the unconditional love come from?

This is an astoundingly ignorant question. The same place unconditional love comes from with anyone. From the heart of a loving person who is overjoyed at the addition to their family. No matter how that addition came about.*

⬆️ This 100%. My parents fell in love with my son the second I showed them his picture and told them they were about to be grandparents to this amazing little boy. He is the love of their life and I their precious one and only no longer get a look in!

It's just DNA. People are so pathetic and quite frankly bloody unthinking to say this to you OP. Glad you've said something.

A bit different, With my first pregnancy my exH already had 2 DDs. The first wife was desperate for a boy. Didn't happen.

Fast forward years, ex in laws would have loved a boy to carry on the name (I get this btw) but I was pregnant with my first and suffering complications.

The amount of "oh I bet exH would love a boy" um...how about how I feel arsewipes?

Wish I'd have had the strength to say fuck off at the time.

I did have a boy but I couldn't of cared less what we had, nor did my exH.

People really do grind ya gears sometimes, don't they?!

Sorry only just seen you did call her. Well done and thank you for trying to educate her on behalf of adopted kids (young and old) everywhere.

for you op. I think you were very brave to ring her and defend your family. Now that she has shown her true colours you need never put yourself or your son in her line of fire again which will be a relief to you both in the long run.

The most common comment I received upon informing people we'd begun the adoption process was "I bet you get pregnant now cos this'll make you relax" like that would somehow be much better than having an adopted child. And as if relaxing could somehow make me pregnant I have a very different social circle nowadays.

What a twat. Of course your DS is your parents first grandchild. You did such an amazing thing and I am 100% that your DS has integrated in your family as if he was yours. My mom used to say "a parent is not a parent when they conceive, but when they raise & educate". Chin up!

Your 'friend' is an outright Cunt. I'm really sorry that was said to you.

With an adopted GC where does the unconditional love come from?

This is an astoundingly ignorant question. The same place unconditional love comes from with anyone. From the heart of a loving person who is overjoyed at the addition to their family. No matter how that addition came about*

First, thank you for not responding angrily, I am in no way trying to upset anybody, I am just interested in the discussion.

What about this analogy to make you understand my POV:
I love my DH with my heart and soul, one day we got married to form a family. I took his family as mine, included them in out family lives. Do I love his DPIL and DSIL the same way I love my DP and DS? No. I love my DH the same way though.

An adoptee parent loves his adopted DC unconditionaly. He adopts him, the DC is included in the extended family's life. Do the adoptee parent's relative necessarily have to feel the same way the do within another relative if the same age ? I am not convinced.

God. I was hoping this was some garbled idea that came out all wrong and when called on it the friend would be mortified. I always tend to assume people are clumsy and silly rather than mean. But not in this instance apparently.

The only explanation is that she obviously doesn't know your family very well since your boy is obviously at the very heart of the family and she's somehow not noticed that. So, as well as not understanding about adoption, she doesn't even have powers of observation.

Sorry you had that happen. Take comfort in the love you have.

And well done for calling the friend - that took courage.

Do the adoptee parent's relative necessarily have to feel the same way the do within another relative if the same age ? I am not convinced

I'm bloody glad my parents' families did!

I'm adopted. My "real" parents are those who raised me. My "real" family are those who were around when I was growing up. I have never been led to believe that I am anything other than a valued member of my family.

Your friend is out of order OP. I hope you put her straight xx

What utter, utter dickheads.

somethingborrowed we aren't talking about someone's mother in law though, we're talking about a little boy. Your analogy is completely lost on me.

SomethingBorrowed: do you not think that grandparents have been through every emotional step of the way alongside their beloved son/ daughter? Do you not think they would be longing and longing for their Ds/Dd to get the fulfilment as a parent that they long for? That they have been waiting for the day they can welcome that child, get to know it, care for it, just as they do with a bio child?

We can see from countless threads on MN that unconditional love is certainly not intrinsically linked to a biological link. Unconditional love is a result of unconditional happiness at a new child as part of your family.

You're comparing a mother in law you acquire as an adult with a small child who needs you desperately and lives with you 24/7 and can't function independently of you ?!

If you don't have the imagination to see the difference then I agree with you, if one of your children ever adopts you may well not be able to see them as part of your family. Do try to pretend though if you can otherwise (as you can see) it will piss off your child no end.

Either my extened family are fantastic actors or they love my (adopted) children as much as any of their biological grandchildren/nieces/nephews. Maybe I'm just lucky to belong to a family who doesn't think that DNA trumps all.

Our boys were adopted by us at birth. We had similar comments when other grandchildren arrived. Luckily, my parents told these people in no uncertain terms that our kids were "the first grandkids" and they've never treated them any differently.

People are just insensitive. People who think this way are lacking something, they genuinely think we treat adopted kids differently!

My mother travelled half way across the world (almost literally) in mid winter, on her own, 6 months after finished her chemotherapy just so she would meet DS and spend his first birthday with us.

I should explain to her that she shouldn't feel the same way about him as she does about her other grandchildren?

"How do grandparents feel unconditional love for an adopted grandchild?"

Err, because they're my children? As for the resemblance, it's utter nonsense. Our kids look nothing like us, being from a different country and all, but our parents genuinely, genuinely love them like they love all their grandkids.

I think there's something wrong with you if you can't see how someone could feel unconditional love for the child of their own child, adopted or not.

Love that pic kew.

I am really shocked at the way some people think. I have a cousin who is adopted and she has always been just my cousin in the same way of all the other cousins (loads). My GPs never considered her as anything but their grandchild in the same way.

People come into families in lots if ways. My DS loves my DIL (easiest way to explain but they are not married yet) she loves him and makes him very happy, she is part of our family now and DH and I love her as a daughter. So surely this is similar to how Grandparents (of grandchildren adopted or not) accept them unconditionally?

Backingvocals of course she's faking it very effectively there!

something *

What about this analogy to make you understand my POV:
I love my DH with my heart and soul, one day we got married to form a family. I took his family as mine, included them in out family lives. Do I love his DPIL and DSIL the same way I love my DP and DS? No. I love my DH the same way though.

Well, to be honest no, I don't think I do understand your point from this analogy. Comparing how a person feels about Parents in law and families in law to feelings for an adopted child is like comparing apples and oranges. As other pp have said, (functional) families are about love, nurture, shared experiences and history. To join a family as an adult via marriage means you have not been part of those experiences and so you join the family and build your history together from there, as an adult.

Children are very different to that, they don't make a choice about joining a family, whether by birth or adoption.

What I will say, is that every adopted child I know has joined a family who has very much wanted them and has been welcomed with open arms and much love. It has made me very sad to read some pp about comments made to them by grandparents who didn't regard them as 'real' family members, so I suppose it can happen.

All I can say is that in my family my son was as much longed for by the extended family as he was by us. We were all overjoyed when we brought him home, both sides of the family love him to bits.

By the way, I love my PiL! They are awesome and have been there for me through thick and thin, I (only partly joking) call my MiL "Mum2"