to be very upset by this comment?

[TiredyMcTired]

Back story...My son is adopted, we love him very very much and he's our world. We suffered infertility and after years of ttc and 2 cycles of IVF we started our adoption journey. We were very open and all our family and friends know our story. He has so far been the only grandchild in the family.

My sister has just had her first child and we are all delighted at the arrival of our new family member. I was out today buying cards and some presents before we see the new baby (I love babies and was so excited) I bumped into a family friend. Friend asked about the new baby, and commented that my parents must be delighted at the "birth of their first grandchild". I was speechless, had to just walk away and go back to the car to cry with shock and anger This person knows our son and I am beyond devastated that they obviously feel like he isn't a legitimate family member.

I want to call the person who made the comment to tell them how insensitive it was, but DH doesn't want me to. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to let this person know how much they have upset me? I don't want them repeating this sort of comment to anyone else and implying that my much loved son is second fiddle now that the new baby is here

I can't imagine anyone thinking that an adopted child is less than a biological one

Ha ha ha!

Sorry whiterabbit but some people do. I can probably point you in the direction of an MN thread or two where people say "But of course you don't feel quite the same about a child you didn't give birth to" despite parents having more than one of each type saying that you do feel differntly about all of your children but not relating to the manner of their entry into the family.

caveat except before you are bonded with said child

That's awful. It sounds almost deliberate - why would you refer to a 'first grandchild' in that context?

What a horrible thing to say. YANBU.

I would be terribly upset but probably wouldn't be able to tackle it without getting really emotional and completely losing my shit, so I would just not say anything.

What an awful thing to say 😔 Yanbu

I've had someone tell me how "lucky" I was not to have had to breastfeed and how much easier it is to adopt... which should give the adoptive parents here a loud belly laugh!

Yes it is terrible.

My uncle had adopted children, his adopted daughter had babies before me.

When I had my first baby, my grandmother (god rest her soul) wrote me a card about welcoming her first real (she actually underlined it) grandchild.

I felt bad, because I simply didn't see it that way. Her first grandchildren were already there - and I can only hope she never showed those sentiments to my uncle or his daughter. I doubt she did tbh, or maybe she was trying to make me feel special, she was genuinely a lovely person - but some people do feel this way unfortunately.

So sorry you've been made to feel this way. Most people feel the way I do, I'm sure

You get less emotional and more confrontational as the years go by and you realise that sooner or later your DC will be hearing this kind of shit for themselves.

As an adopted person I'm mortified someone would say that to you! I have ONE fucking family, and that's the one who adopted me.

I am so sorry, and I really hope they just weren't thinking, but even then that is such a shitty thing to say.

I don't think you would BU to phone and tell them how hurtful it was. They should know!

Actually took me a minute to work out what they were talking about first Gc then was absolutely horrified for you I really wonder how some people can be so thoughtlessly cruel

Only you can say whether this person's ignorance is curable or beyond redemption. Think about that and act on what you decide. And give your DS a hug from the Massed Ranks of MN.

Another adopter here. Ideally you should have called her on it at the time but I understand why you didn't. I too have been stunned into silence by the monumentally stupid things people sometimes say.
Next time you see her, if you feel up to it ask her what she meant.

That is incredibly cruel

Ffs. What a twattish thing to say!

I love my Bils wife dearly but she told
Me she could see me having my own baby one day. As I sat holding my own (straight surrogate) baby

Thoughtless but in no way malicious. But it hurt

What a horrible thing to say. Some people have very funny views on stuff like that and its wrong. I get it from people when they realise my oldest isnt dps. He has bought her up since she was 1 and i get a lot of "really but he treats her like the others?" It really winds do up as he sees her as his as much as the others and cant see what blood has to do with it.

kewcumber well people who do differentiate between adopted and biological children are cruel and not worth listening to.

I won't disagree with you on that whiterabbit - I have been known to say to people who say (rather dramatically) "I just can;t IMAGINE feeling the same about a child I didn't give birth to."

"You do realise that your lack of an imagination doesn't make it a universal truth?"

I wonder sometimes if perhaps we have moved so far away (rightly so) from the 'hush hush' approach of the 60s/70s that there's a sense that adoptive parents aren't 'real.'

Certainly, when I went on an open day, there was a definite backdrop of 'you know, you are only looking after these children for the poor birth parents who cannot' which was rather off-putting to say the least.

Not that this remotely excuses her rudeness.

Thank you everyone. Just to clarify, I was really too stunned to say anything there and then, I had a fight or flight response at that moment and flight won My heart was pounding and I just couldn't think straight. Afterward I wondered if it had dawned on the person that what they'd said was so insensitive. I don't think so, there hasn't been an apology.

My parents adore my son, he is the apple of their eye and I don't think this attitude has come from them. I had no idea that the family friend thought of my son in this way...

When I got home I was seething, and that's when I discussed with DH & said I wanted to call them and tell them that they had upset me very much and why. DH is worried that this will get back to my parents and sister and will upset them too, which is unnecessary especially when this should be such a happy time for the family. I can see his point... but I look at my beautiful boy and it breaks my heart that anyone could think he isn't the same as a 'biological' family member

Good god, Lavender I can't believe that was said at an open day!!!! our Social Workers always focussed on Adopters being parents, end of.

They didn't explicitly say so, but yes, that was the overall impression.

I think they are trying to prepare you for the worst but it ends up being very off putting.

As an adopted child can I ask that you please contact this person & correct them, my nan always made it very clear that my younger brother was her preferred child due to DNA, was so so hurtful

Yes. Put them straight now before they spout this rubbish again in front of anyone else in your family. They sound like an absolute arse.

I haven't read anything past the first post so I don't know what else has been said.

I just wanted to say to you. I have had no experience of adoption in my own family but as far as I am concerned no matter how someone's child has entered a family that they are a part of of that family and are as important as any other child within that family is

dont ever let anyone make you feel your child is somehow "less than" any other member of your family because he fucking isn't

YANBU. I have family members who are adopted and in fact my cousin who was adopted was the first grandchild for both sets of grandparents it would never occur to any of us that her (naturally conceived) sister was anyone's first child or grandchild.

Could she have possibly meant the first experience of meeting a baby in a hospital? To be honest whichever way I try to spin it I can't imagine any way in which the comment wasn't breathtakingly ridiculously stupid. If I'd said something so unbelievably stupid I'd actually welcome you calling me up so I could tell you how sorry I was.