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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I've made a huge mistake...

186 replies

Neve77 · 11/03/2017 17:26

I have been with OH for five years. I thought he was the love of my life. We have been engaged for a year and have a baby on the way.
We moved in together two weeks ago (house is mortgaged) and for the first week things seemed fine. He has always corrected me on things but now it seems like everything I do is wrong. He even criticised how I ironed a pillow case. Every thing I tell him he knows better than me or I must be in the wrong and he tries and proves me wrong. Every day I make breakfast, wash up, make the bed, go to work, come home and make tea and wash up from that. Today he said to me "you know you have to do housework too". I have cleaned the bathroom and kitchen each Saturday we lived here (a deep clean, I do tidy as I go along as well). Which hurt as I felt I had been pulling my weigh! He's now argued with me over the cost of a washing line and I just wanted to cry and the situation that I have got myself stuck in for the foreseeable future 😭. AIBU to wish I had stayed in my own place?

OP posts:
BigFatBollocks · 11/03/2017 22:02

I never put my abusive twat ex on the bc. Mighty glad I made that decision and I even did it twice (stupidly had 2 children with him but don't regret them for a second). He's got no rights whatsoever to the children (although I've never stopped him seeing them, it's his choice not to). When I had my first child with a different abusive ex the women at the registry office asked me twice right in front of him whether I was sure about putting him on there because once they ate on there it's very difficult to get them removed. I stupidly put him on and to this day I dread the letter in the post or knock on the door that he wants access, as legally he's entitled. For everyone's info I don't get child support for the kids and quite frankly I don't give a f.

theothercatpurred · 11/03/2017 22:08

When your baby comes, it will be hard work and it would be good to have someone to help you.

The next best thing is being on your own.

The worst thing is having someone there who will criticise and tell you they expect you to be doing more / what have you been doing all day / you're doing it wrong. That was Post Natal Depression lies.

Where are your family, can you go stay with them?

theothercatpurred · 11/03/2017 22:10

YY to not putting him on the birth cert. Register the baby on your own, it will save you a whole heap of trouble down the line.

CoolCarrie · 11/03/2017 22:28

You need to tell him that you won't be doing any more housework for the foreseeable!
Enough is enough OP, now is the time to stand up for yourself and your unborn child. Do not pander to him any more. Tomorrow make a stand, you will get the measure of him by how he reacts to you standing up to him, then make your choices for you and your child's lives ahead.
He sounds like a control freak and a bully and he isn't going to change now, but you can make a change ASAP

BlueFolly · 11/03/2017 22:45

He will ruin your time with your new baby.

Sonnet · 11/03/2017 23:00

Catrina1234 - the voice of reason Flowers
You'd be the first I'd turn to if I needed advice

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 11/03/2017 23:18

In your situation I'd try counseling before I 'ltb' OP. Do you make him aware every time he corrects you? How often do you correct him? If you never do, try a bit of tit for tat, see how that goes down.

Does he do the hoovering and dusting? You don't mention those. To be honest making breakfast then tidying it away and making the bed is pretty standard, and sensible if you don't want to come home to a shit hole when you're knackered from a day's work.

Only you know if your situation is as dramatic as others are making out on here. Wishing you luck with the baby, and this situation. Keep strong.

Catrina1234 · 12/03/2017 00:06

Thank you sonnet - and mathanxietyt I assume your comment about people wading in "when they have no idea what the cluster of behaviours can signify" implies that you do know and many others don't (including me)- I assume your comment "you would almost think it was partly her fault...." etc was meant for me. That is quite ridiculous. There has been no suggestion from me or anyone else that the OP is in any way to blame.

Anyway enough squabbling. Has anyone noticed that the OP has not returned. I think she may have been scared off by all the posts telling her to leave right away, get in touch with Women's Aid -she's not being physically or emotionally abused. I don't think criticism about ironing constitutes emotional abuse!

Why don't you GET REAL - ask yourselves why the OP has not come back. If she finds the posts helpful she will come back, otherwise she won't. So we'll wait and see.OP I apologise for squabbling on the thread - you don't need that.

Mathena · 12/03/2017 00:21

You're right of course Math. If a man is comfortable criticising his partner's competency ironing, then 'a little talk' will not penetrate his forcefield of delusion, misogyny and entitlement.

One has to have lived through this shit to get that.

Seeingadistance · 12/03/2017 01:11

^^
Well said. And those of us here who have lived through this shit, and can very clearly see this situation for what it is, would much rather than the OP is given the support, advice and confidence to be able to get out sooner rather than later, or not at all.

PollytheDolly · 12/03/2017 01:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3luckystars · 12/03/2017 01:22

I am a bit unethical like you but would say something non confrontational like 'if you criticise my pillowcase again, I will iron your balls on to your leg for you.'

Something like that.

3luckystars · 12/03/2017 01:24

Sorry that should say 'I'm a bit quiet like you'
The rest is correct though.

If he opened his mouth to criticise me, I would just plug in the iron....

PollytheDolly · 12/03/2017 01:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PollytheDolly · 12/03/2017 01:29

Hard aka Assertive. My DH knows I will not be suppressed. I bloody will assert myself. It's been toe to toe sometimes. It's Tough. But you have to say NO!

He's 99% there now. I have a few grey hairs though.

PollytheDolly · 12/03/2017 01:30

If he opened his mouth to criticise me, I would just plug in the iron

And.....? Grin

TheWoodlander · 12/03/2017 01:51

I am a bit unethical like you but would say something non confrontational like 'if you criticise my pillowcase again, I will iron your balls on to your leg for you.'

I also would do that. But I don't know how that works for actual abusive relationships? I'm in a good relationship, without a doubt - but any criticism gets a response along the lines "well you can do it then, cockface".

PollytheDolly · 12/03/2017 01:56

It works. You have to mean it though Wink

Needcourage · 12/03/2017 05:13

Op, I felt really sad reading your post. And updates. Contrary to what sime pp have said, you actually can't sort this with a talk. His need to correct you and assumption of you doing all the housework is instinctive...and it's not going to change. It is only going to get worse and will manifest in so many other aspects of your life.
He instinctively sees you in the wrong...and having a chat is not going to change that. Standing up for yourself is not going to change that. Should you have a disagreement with someone, he will instinctively tell you how it's your fault...without even hearing your side of the story. Trust me. Most partners automatically take their partner's side in such scenarios, he wouldn't.
You are 8 months pregnant and he is still able to say that to you?!
Please, it's not too late to leave...please.
If you both want to work on the relationship, do it while living apart. And he will need individual counselling.
It may sound so daunting now but if you don't, a few years down the line you will look back and realise this is the best time to sort this out.
Congratulations on your baby. Wishing you all the best.

PollytheDolly · 12/03/2017 05:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

1forAll74 · 12/03/2017 06:26

Neve the old saying is love is blind and you probably didnt realise that your partner would be a controlling man once you had moved into a home together I wonder why he has now become a controller of things

Its now a very special time for you being pregnant and with a long time partner and am very sad that you are now in this awful situation

I am a bit of an oldie here and usually now a days dont much care about men ha ha but I would always say if you think a relationship is worth trying to save then try and do so especially as you have known your man for so long

mathanxiety · 12/03/2017 07:06

Catrina, you should perhaps be grateful that you can't recognise this for what it is. The OP most definitely is being emotionally abused.

He has always corrected me on things but now it seems like everything I do is wrong. He even criticised how I ironed a pillow case. Every thing I tell him he knows better than me or I must be in the wrong and he tries and proves me wrong...

....He has always corrected me on everything. To the point where other people point it out. Not necessarily in a critical way but more in an assuming I'm wrong kind of way...

...I have told him lots of times that I don't like that he corrects me constantly and he does apologise and say that he will change.

Constant criticism, humiliation in front of others, invalidation and having the life sucked out of you by pointless arguments is emotional abuse, and it is followed by hoovering (the apology designed to suck the OP back in and make her hope for change).

She can't win for losing here. Damned if she does and damned if she doesn't. This is 100% emotional abuse and will result in anxiety, trauma, insecurity and even depression.

OP, you should also order and read 'Living With the Dominator' by Pat Craven www.amazon.co.uk/d/Books/Living-Dominator-Pat-Craven/1477410597?tag=mumsnetforum-21

Hopefully, if you read both the Bancroft book and this one you will see that your P is just the same as thousands of other losers - there is nothing special or unique about him - and also that there is nothing you did that caused this and nothing you can do to change it or cure it. The only person who can change anything about your life is you.

Don't be the mother of three who wonders how she can get her children away from a father who belittles and humiliates their mother after seeing her children starting to mimic his behaviour or show signs of serious anxiety around him.

Justanothernameonthepage · 12/03/2017 07:16

It is emotional abuse. At least 3 markers and i suspect there would be more if the OP was able to go through the checklist. I can't imagine anyone not recognising this as abuse.

Justanothernameonthepage · 12/03/2017 07:17

OP. If you get the chance go through the EA list here www.domesticshelters.org/domestic-violence-articles-information/how-to-recognize-emotional-abuse#.WMT0F8unxnE
And honestly consider each one

Dormouse200 · 12/03/2017 07:49

I have never been in an abusive relationship but the red flags here are glaring. If you think you have made a mistake then that is all the justification you need to leave, nothing else.

So, hide your paperwork outside the house, open your own bank account if you don't have one, get advice from a specialist solicitor, refuse mediation as he is controlling and emotionally abusive, and do not put him on the birth certificate.

Respect is the absolute cornerstone of a relationship, and it is shown in actions, does he respect you? Clearly not, you don't constantly correct/criticise someone you respect.

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