To think I've made a huge mistake...

[Neve77]

I have been with OH for five years. I thought he was the love of my life. We have been engaged for a year and have a baby on the way.
We moved in together two weeks ago (house is mortgaged) and for the first week things seemed fine. He has always corrected me on things but now it seems like everything I do is wrong. He even criticised how I ironed a pillow case. Every thing I tell him he knows better than me or I must be in the wrong and he tries and proves me wrong. Every day I make breakfast, wash up, make the bed, go to work, come home and make tea and wash up from that. Today he said to me "you know you have to do housework too". I have cleaned the bathroom and kitchen each Saturday we lived here (a deep clean, I do tidy as I go along as well). Which hurt as I felt I had been pulling my weigh! He's now argued with me over the cost of a washing line and I just wanted to cry and the situation that I have got myself stuck in for the foreseeable future 😭. AIBU to wish I had stayed in my own place?

Get him to move out and get a lodger in. this money and his maintenance should mean that you can survive financially without him.

Get out sooner rather than later. Imagine life after 20 years.
It will be so much harder on your child if he leaves when the child is used to having him around and is old enough to notice his absence. So do it for your childs sake if not your own - unless you can put up with this shit for years and years or worse if he ramps up his bad behaviour

So he promises to change and instead is just getting worse? In that case get out. He's making it very clear that he doesn't actually care about you. A healthy relationship sometimes requires compromise and attempting to change bad habits but the promising and no effort suggests that he is not a good person.

She moved in with him 2 weeks ago. 14 days, and apparently the first week was fine!

So, by being a grumpy shit for a few days he is abusive, deserves to be excluded from the birth certificate and be left?!

My ex was prince charming, right up 'till a day when I was 4 months pregnant. We had been sitting in the garden having a cuppa and a nice pleasant chat. I went inside to check on the pizza I was cooking, and it slid off the back of the oven rack and fell on the bottom. He was behind me and said in a very nasty voice: "You always fuck everything up, don't you!" And just like that, in a matter of seconds, he went from prince charming to the narcissistic control freak he really is. And things only got worse after that. So yes, it really can happen that fast. And the OP's DP has a history of verbally abusing her, so it's definitely not going to get better, is it?

I don't agree with him not being on the birth certificate though - he still is the father, no matter what happens.

And however hard it may feel to get out now, it will be harder when the baby is here. It can feel like an admission of failure to leave, but abuse seldom stops at the level it's at. Feeling like you've failed after all this time, is not what's happening. It's more recognising the signs before you find yourself married to someone who makes you miserable for years to come. The sunk cost fallacy also applies to relationships

Sorry OP. You need to leave. Before the baby arrives. Find someone to stay with -your parents?

As others have said, the chances are it will get worse. The 'stress' of moving in together and late pregnancy is nothing compared with the stress and tension a newborn will cause.

I agree with the combination of Assassin, Game and Millie. Get paperwork together (quietly) Talk to him seriously (with support) and either take mat leave now or very soon and tell him he is doing ALL the running around.
What does an ironed pillowcase look like?
His reactions to these measures over say the next couple of days at least will tell you far more about what you need to do.

My ex was like this when I was pregnant with DS and lived together it got worse. I wish I had the strength to leave but he did. Please get out.

He's got a cheek. He says - You've got housework to do - sounds like an employer in Victorian England talking to their maid. Not good OP.

I'm really sorry to say this, and I'm sure I'm going to get flamed for saying it but why on earth didn't you live together before you decided to have a baby? This wouldn't have come as such a shock and you would've had time to re-think things. I know it's not always as straight forward as this but I just don't understand people who make such life changing decisions before they are absolutely sure it'll work. Raising a baby alone is no mean feat so I would suggest talking to him first. It takes a while to adjust to each other's ground rules - sadly though that is time you don't really have at the moment.

Haven't yet RTFT - however...

DP and I have been together 7 years and getting married this year. Have lived together the last 4 years. When we moved in together I struggled for 18 months. We didn't agree on many things, we argued all the time. His way of doing things (OCD) was opposite to mine (who gives a shit if the pots aren't done).

I felt the house was his and I had no space in it. I felt I wasn't ME anymore.

Fast forward to now. We have an equilibrium. He is more relaxed, I am tidier. We still have a niggle every now and then but 99% of the time we are great.

What I am saying is that it took time to find our places living together. Don't run away, work it out and don't expect a fairytale because life isn't a story.

OP, please listen to the posters who have been through this and are telling you to get out now. However, be careful about how you plan to do this as men often get violent when women leave. He was already abusive (constantly correcting you) and has now done the classic thing of ramping up the abuse when he thinks you have no options. DO talk to your mw, she will be in touch with local services who will be able to support you. Ideally of course you would ask him to leave the house but I guess it's unlikely he would. If you doubt he is abusive, how do you feel inside when you imagine saying to him ' this isn't working for me, I'd like you to move out' - do you feel frightened?
And don't put him on the birth certificate. If you do, you'll be tied to him for the next 18 years and so will your child. If he does turn out to be OK you can chose to allow him contact if you want.
Good luck.

Lurpak when you were 8 months pregnant and working full time, did your DP tell you "you've got housework to do"?! That's not how you speak to the beloved mother of your firstborn child! It's how you talk to a servant, and one you're particularly dismissive of too. It's not about compromise it's about basic respect in a relationship.

I am stuck on the fact that you were ironing a pillow case to get on with.

I remember when I was pregnant, DP was constantly asking if I was ok, and if there was anything he could get for me. It was a bit annoying.

I don't really have much advice, except for, you're not dead, so it's not too late.

OMG. I'm on page 2 and you are are all mental.

A week of a grumpy DP and she should leave and not put him on bc?

Get your heads checked. Pack of raving coyotes the lot of you.

I don't know what you're reading Lurpak. Have you missed the bit where she skivvies for him whilst working full time and 8 months pregnant, yet that still isn't enough for him?

Sorry, not read all of PPs but do you think being more assertive would help? This sounds like my DH until one day I'd had enough, dragged the vaccuum cleaner to where he was sitting on his phone and said, "Here's the Hoover. I'm going for a shower." He even replied, "What do you want me to do with it?" So I calmly said, "I'll let you work that one out, I'm off for a shower." I could hear it on before I even turned the water on. He's still a bit hopeless with doing his bit but has improved no end. But he would NEVER NEVER criticise my work about the house. This is ringing alarm bells to me. Feel for you OP xx

Please be careful. Criticising a partner for how they iron a pillow case is not 'normal' behaviour. If you want to leave, don't say so. Plan. Start putting some money away in a private bank account. It is really important that you have your own funds. Don't tell him. You have been together 5 years so maybe this is just a bad patch because you have life stressors with house buying and baby on the way. Is it new behaviour? But this sort of behaviour sounds classic controlling partner. Such men start out v. charming, charismatic, loving (many intelligent women fall for these men), but gradually over time they become more controlling, criticising their partners to make them doubt themselves and more dependant. Have seen this with family member. Often isolating them from friends and family. Think carefully now because once you have a new born baby you are even more vulnerable and dependant. This gives your partner more power. Look at this wheel of symptoms and ask if any are familiar. stoprelationshipabuse.org/pdfs/PowerControlwheelNOSHADING.pdf
As others said, go get some legal advice but do it quietly, leave no evidence. Talk to your friends and family. Best of luck.

Lurpak she's been with him for 5 years. So she'd have seen him during grumpy moods (unless they've been long distance). This has to be more than a clash of styles or him doing an oscar the grouch impression. Anyone who's read up on abuse is aware that babies/marriage/mortgage are flash points for abuse to start or escalate. If when she's talked to him, he'd made an effort to change then yes, she should discuss things with him. Right now he's expecting her to skivvy for him when she should be resting. He's arguing and causing stress when she should be avoiding stress. He promises to change but doesn't and his behaviour gets worse. He is inconsiderate at the very least and has all the red flags of a classic abuser. Either way, this is not a good relationship. This is not someone who she should be trapped with during the newborn zombie stage when she's emotionally and physically vulnerable.

Claus baby was a surprise. I have a few medical issues which meant natural conception seemed unlikely and we used contraception. We also didn't find out till rather late in the pregnancy.

They have just moved, they are having a baby. That is stress X100.
He may be struggling with the reality that he is now living with someone else and about to become permanently responsible for a child. It is hard. It is scary.

I'm not saying OP should take his shit. She should tell him she will ram the pillowcase where the sun don't shine and that they are living in a democracy and he bloody well better get used to it. (FWIW I have said these exact words to DP)

Living with someone is hard. We go in to it with expectations that don't match reality. It takes work.

I suggest you yell at him OP, tell him to pull his finger out and then talk to him - as opposed to shouting abuse/safeguarding and all the other crap.

You have a great career and this baby will be wonderful. Your best days are ahead of you. Never forget that.
I think you need to communicate with him. What are his parents like? Did he live alone or with them until now? Is he used to being waited on? If you do stay, keep some money to the side, get a cleaner and get a team of people around you who you can lean on when you are ready to leave.

I definitely understand these things happen, i suppose I'm just an old cynic who's heard all too often that a single parent had children too soon with someone they didn't know well enough. I would also echo what pp's have said that it's only been two weeks and I do think men get a bit panicked towards the end of a pregnancy about what's about to happen. Perhaps bear that in mind before making any decisions but don't be a mug and continue doing these tasks. Tell him it's about time he made the dinner/washed up/did the ironing. Don't be afraid to stand up to him. Good luck

lurpak she did talk to him. He said he's try. He got worse and more demanding. So how many chances should she give him before the stress of a new baby hits?

Having just moved in together is a pathetic excuse for his behaviour. The OP has just moved in too, is also expecting a baby - indeed she's the one who is actually heavily pregnant. And doing all the housework. I wonder why she isn't stressing, being hyper controlling and hyper critical? Hmm.

She said she'd talked to him about it lots of times so I think it's safe to say he's not going to change.