To think I've made a huge mistake...

[Neve77]

I have been with OH for five years. I thought he was the love of my life. We have been engaged for a year and have a baby on the way.
We moved in together two weeks ago (house is mortgaged) and for the first week things seemed fine. He has always corrected me on things but now it seems like everything I do is wrong. He even criticised how I ironed a pillow case. Every thing I tell him he knows better than me or I must be in the wrong and he tries and proves me wrong. Every day I make breakfast, wash up, make the bed, go to work, come home and make tea and wash up from that. Today he said to me "you know you have to do housework too". I have cleaned the bathroom and kitchen each Saturday we lived here (a deep clean, I do tidy as I go along as well). Which hurt as I felt I had been pulling my weigh! He's now argued with me over the cost of a washing line and I just wanted to cry and the situation that I have got myself stuck in for the foreseeable future 😭. AIBU to wish I had stayed in my own place?

Fwiw I iron pillowcases, I'm amazed at the hysteria at the concept on here.
You haven't said op if he is doing any housework or expecting you to do it all which is what people here are thinking.
You need to sit down and have a calm and rational discussion about it, if he is a knob and really does believe that the housework is your job or that you are always wrong then certainly make your plans but as someone pointed out, it is a stressful time for you both and you need to communicate to succeed.
Good luck x

He's happy having her skivvy for him when she's pregnant and working FT and then tells her that's not enough. He constantly corrects her so much other people notice it, and he keeps doing it. Yeah, a nice chat and a cuppa will solve everything . He's been telling you who he is for years now. You need to listen.

I'd accidentally burn a hole in his pillow case with the iron. But I'm passive aggressive like that

I think there's a clear divide here between posters who have experienced this kind of behaviour themselves and those who haven't. I hope for OP's sake he'll suddenly stop criticising and start doing his share of the house work, or more given that she's pregnant, but I seriously doubt that's going to happen.

If you like ironing pillowcases taptonaria then that's great, but lots of people think it's totally pointless. Assuming they go on a bed in use, they'll be creased again as soon as they're slept on. It's a reasonable position to hold. Anyone that criticises their partner for how they iron a pillow case is a total knob.

It is perfectly reasonable to leave an abusive partner off the birth certificate. The law allows an unmarried mother to have control over how her child is registered. Are those saying how he should be on it because he has 'rights' going to be there for the OP if he refuses to let her leave with her newborn or snatches the baby and refuses to return them? Because if he is on the birth cert there will be sod all the OP can do about that without a court order. If he wants PR so badly he can go to court for it but no way would I be voluntarily handing it to someone so controlling.

Did you protect your investment in the property. Is he on the mortgage and deeds?

You can get a good chunk of your life savings back if you sell the house. Each day that you spend with him and his snide criticisms is a day of your life you will never get back, though.

The only answer to him telling you that you are supposed to do housework is "So are you. It's your home too and this is the 21st century"

Call Women's Aid.
0808 2000 247.
You can ask for a list of local good solicitors who are tuned in to emotional abuse and sort out your property and child custody issues from that point.

Order the book www.amazon.co.uk/d/cka/Why-Does-He-Do-That-Inside-Controlling/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforum-21 'Why Does he Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' by Lundy Bancroft. Expedite delivery. Do not let your P intercept it or find it.

You should get through it in about a week and you will know what you are dealing with once you have read it.

Don't let the grass grow under this, OP. He is not suffering from stress. He has always had the need in this relationship to feel he is superior to you, that you are beneath him, that he has someone to put in her place and cut down. Nothing you say or do will ever make this situation improve. Nothing you do will ever be enough.

He has exactly what he needs from this relationship right now and will not change. He is only apologising in order to have the fun of playing with your mind and keeping you sweet until he feels like hurting you again. He is a bully and this will never change.

OP dont be here in 20 years. Just dont do it to yourself. He isnt going to change for the better. People who love you just dont pull this kind of stunt.

Hmmm arguments are breaking out between posters with differing views as so often happens on these threads. The pack is usually against me when I won't join in LTB! BUT what is clear and regardless of what anyone else thinks, I don't think OP is anywhere near leaving and I can see why really. She says he's always been critical of her to the point that others have noticed, so he's just doing what he's always done and there are far more things to criticise now they are living together. I do wonder OP if you can be assertive enough to tell him that it's not on to be so controlling - I have a feeling you might find that difficult, but you must try or you really will be a skivvy and once the baby comes for the first few weeks your time really will be taken up with feeding, winding, washing, trying to get baby to sleep etc etc.

As for that pillow case - well - words fail me. FWIW I iron my pillow cases but not DPs as we have separate rooms (in our 70s) and it's just more comfortable.

I do hope OP you can have that talk with your partner and be assertive enough to challenge him when he is overly critical.

And I agree with all those who urge you to think very carefully before putting this man's name on the BC.

Putting it there could come back to bite you really hard in the bum.

YY to Stitchglitched:
Are those saying how he should be on it because he has 'rights' going to be there for the OP if he refuses to let her leave with her newborn or snatches the baby and refuses to return them? Because if he is on the birth cert there will be sod all the OP can do about that without a court order. If he wants PR so badly he can go to court for it but no way would I be voluntarily handing it to someone so controlling.

Yes, Catrina, a little talk is all that's needed .

Seriously, if you find you have to sit someone down and explain how to be civil to someone they say they love, and explain why, you shouldn't waste your breath.

How are these things only just coming to light? Or did you ignore warning signs? It's never too late, and if it's bad now with a newborn baby it can only get worse!

How does he respond to you telling him straight? Can you be assertive with him? Does he realise he's being ridiculous?

He sounds like he's never lived alone otherwise surely he'd be able to contribute and not expect it all to fall to you??

Some people don't know what they're talking about. Others have already lived through this shit.

I'm hoping this week will have been bad enough for her to realise she should leave. The fact she's thinking she's made a mistake and is questioning it (even on the internet) is a sign she may be able to get support in order to leave. Especially before the emotional upheaval that birth will bring.

This has obviously been a stressful time for both of us and I'm wondering if this is how his stress is manifesting

You said he's always done it, to the point that other people notice. If he's always been critical of you please don't minimise it, especially if it is getting worse.

did he live with his mum before?

I agree with all the pp who feel the OP should end the relationship now. He's not being critical because he feels she's not doing things right. This is how he feels he can (and chooses) to treat her. He's set the balance of power in their relationship firmly in his favour.

So far the OP has stayed with him, even though outsiders have commented on his behaviour. So why would he stop? And he's not going to now, they jointly own a property and she's about to have a baby.

No conversation will fix this. A man who has to be told to not treat his heavily pregnant gf like a skivvy is a lost cause. The incorrect ironing of the pillowcase represents all that is wrong. The fact it matters to him, that he's checking up on her, that he feels free to criticise. He's not considering her feelings at all.

OP, one of the last straws in my emotionally abusive relationship was when he rearranged the washing on the airer. I said don't you dare move that. He said I will, you don't hang things properly. It was nothing to do with the washing, all about putting me down. Thank god we never had dc together. Oh, and I should have left him years earlier.

Please leave this man asap. Everything is recoverable. Your mental health and peace of mind are the hardest things to salvage, but the most important.

No mathanxiety I didn't say "a little talk" is all that's needed. The problem with these threads that posters are so busy telling the OP what to do that they don't bother to read the posts from the OP (which are generally few and far between) nor do they take notice of what the OP is saying and analyse what are the chances of the OP leaving the partnership/marriage. My last post was after I'd read a very short post from the OP that confirmed my suspicions that she is nowhere near leaving the r/ship. She says he's always been critical of her and she tells him about it................I sense she is not an assertive person and tons of women piling in telling her to LTB is not going to work.

And all this stuff about the birth Certificate. If he goes with the mother to register the baby and it is recognised by both of them that he is the father then he has a right to be on the BC. And you're wrong - if he's on the BC and refuses to let her leave with the baby or snatches the baby, she doesn't need a court order. Dependent on the circumstances she could call the police especially in the unlikely even that he "snatches" the child. You make it cl;ear what you would not be doing, but this isn't about you - it's about the op

I doubt OP will return

The police would have no power to remove the baby from him if he is on the birth cert as he would have pr.

Just out of curiosity, because I've never done it - exactly how many ways could there possibly be to iron a pillow case?

Yes yes to reading Lundy Bancroft. He feels like he has you in a position you can't get away from as easily as previously (house, pregnancy) and is ramping up the abusive behaviour. It won't stop and will get worse. Don't let him make you feel like it's your fault (because he will try).

OK then, she should sit him down and put on her assertive hat and explain to him that being civil looks like X and what he is doing looks like Y, and she wants him to be civil from now on.

Because clearly the only reason he is not being civil is that he needs it explained to him that civil is preferable.

And btw, it will be her word against his if he tries to stop her leaving with the baby or if he refuses to return the baby from a day with him. Guess how 'his against hers' normally turns out?

The problem with these threads is that people who clearly have no idea what the cluster of behaviours the OP has described can signify, wade in with their sense of how she has a chance of changing a man whose behaviour has not changed for years, even though his behaviour has been noted by other people, with more assertiveness on her part.

You would almost think you were saying it was partly her own fault for how badly he is treating her, like she is holding out on him in some way that is not fair to him.

It is almost as if you were suggesting that it is her job to teach this man how to be a normal human being, and that her role in the relationship is to manage the behaviour of a grown man.