To think I've made a huge mistake...

[Neve77]

I have been with OH for five years. I thought he was the love of my life. We have been engaged for a year and have a baby on the way.
We moved in together two weeks ago (house is mortgaged) and for the first week things seemed fine. He has always corrected me on things but now it seems like everything I do is wrong. He even criticised how I ironed a pillow case. Every thing I tell him he knows better than me or I must be in the wrong and he tries and proves me wrong. Every day I make breakfast, wash up, make the bed, go to work, come home and make tea and wash up from that. Today he said to me "you know you have to do housework too". I have cleaned the bathroom and kitchen each Saturday we lived here (a deep clean, I do tidy as I go along as well). Which hurt as I felt I had been pulling my weigh! He's now argued with me over the cost of a washing line and I just wanted to cry and the situation that I have got myself stuck in for the foreseeable future 😭. AIBU to wish I had stayed in my own place?

First step would be to stop ironing the pillow cases as you are building a rod for your own back. I would tell him to iron his own fucking pillowcase if he so desires it crease free and to stop being such an insipid, boring, pedantic bossy twat.

Seriously, If you are comfortable enough to move in with somebody and get pregnant but can't sit them down and tell them they are making you feel like shit for reasons such as x y and z then the relationship is unhealthy. If I was in your shoes right now OP the first thing I would be doing is sitting OH down and telling him how he is making you feel. He either gets the picture and gives his head a wobble or spits his perfect pillowcase dummy out. If it's the latter I would get the fuck out of dodge. Fast.

It will definitely get worse once the baby arrives.

Make an exit plan, if that means moving back to parents for a short while then do that. Sell the house, or get him to buy you out. Get some legal advice if you can because I suspect he will try to bullshit you about what you have rights to.

The correct response to 'you know you have housework to do' is fuck off
It's never too late, ditch now before the baby arrives -It'll be so much harder after, but still doable.
& ffs, please stop ironing pillowcases.

Emergency couples counselling . ASAP. Tell him you have serious differences in your expectations and you need to work together to learn how to live together.

Tell him how he is behaving and how it makes you feel.

Tell him what your expectations are, ask him what his are, talk to him about why he feels he can order you about.

Has he been living in the house before you moved in?

Territory does weird things to people. He may be stepping into a role he saw his father play, he may just need a big jolt to realise he is him, in this century, and you are the woman he loves and he does not, presumably, wish to drive away before he has even started.

It's worth a conversation before you just up and LTB. And nor should you suffer in silence.

Talk about it directly, full on and with clarity. Ask him what the hell he is up to, and why he is behaving like this.

Fuck me, you lot are so bloody dramatic!!

She moved in with him 2 weeks ago. 14 days, and apparently the first week was fine!

So, by being a grumpy shit for a few days he is abusive, deserves to be excluded from the birth certificate and be left?!

Jesus fucking Christ.

Op, if this has genuinely just started, make a stand and tell him to fuck off. Iron pillowcases?! Never have I done that and never will I. But, unless this behaviour escalates or gets more severe, it doesn't sound anything more than a very short term dose of grumpy-bollock-itis.

Your savings and your belongings are far less important than your well-being and your baby's. Living in that relationship is going to destroy you and give your child a dreadful start in life, watching his or her mother being abused on a daily basis.

Nothing matters more than you walking away now, before your baby is born. It isn't ever too late to walk away but the sooner you go, the better for you and your child.

This man has shown you who he is because he thinks you are stuck with him. Show him that you will not accept a lifetime of abuse and leave him. Promises to change his ways will disappear into thin air as soon as he feels secure that you are stuck again, so please don't be bullied or cajoled into returning to this relationship.

Your child will not be better off growing up immersed in a toxic relationship. Contact with one toxic parent is better than living with them full time.

You deserve better than this and so does your baby

LTB and stop ironing pillow cases, nobody has time for that!!!

" "you know you have to do housework too". "

Sounds as if that's what you need to say to him.

Who kept house for him before you moved in?

Sorry but how can any of you say "I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate"?
How is it in any way ok to deny him his own child? If someone sought to stop a woman having any rights or access to her child you'd all be livid.
He is as much the parent as OP is, and even if he's a shit partner he could be a wonderful dad. If OP is going to want child maintainence, does he have to be on the birth certificate?

Get out now. While you still can. He's bad news and he's revealing his true colours to you because. He thinks he doesn't have to impress you anymore.
You're pregnant for God sake. He should be pondering to your every whim. Not throwing a tantrum over pillow cases. I wish that was all I had to worry about.

I agree his behaviour is unacceptable but monkey is right! Have you actually told him to fuck off at any point and pull his weight?
I remember the first time I moved in with my first boyfriend, I was doing everything. Turns out his mum had always done everything for him and he literally didn't even know what it took to maintain a house. I know that sounds ridiculous and his comments are unacceptable but please talk to him before considering giving up

OP, I feel as if we might work together. If the year 1 teacher is 32, blonde bob, two children, then come see me on Monday. I will help you, if I can.

Thank you for your replies. Baby was not planned but I have known him for eight years and been with him for five so I assumed I knew what he would be like to live with. Which in hindsight is incredibly naive. He has always corrected me on everything. To the point where other people point it out. Not necessarily in a critical way but more in an assuming I'm wrong kind of way. I'm honestly gutted guys. This is not how I imagined it. I always thought my future was with him.

OP how have you poured your life savings into his house? That is a very risky thing to do if you are unmarried, and if you have no stake in it (ie, you're not on the deeds).

It does sound like his true colours are suddenly coming out when you've moved in with him - a very common scenario, and also very common when a woman is pregnant. She is 'tied' to him then, and so this can be a very common time for abusive traits to show themselves.

It is absolutely not fair that you do all the cooking and cleaning when you're 8months pregnant and working. Does he think he moved in with a live-in maid and baby machine or something?

Why ask us?

You know what you have to do here, and just do it.

If anyone told me I didn't iron anything the right way, I would possibly throw item back and get him to do it to his specifications!

Why do it in the first place anyway. I am sure he is capable of plugging in an iron. And making breakfast, and all the rest of it.

Entitled Prick Almighty.

But if you don't stand up for yourself.... well.

Living together in the beginning can be really, really difficult!
If everything was fine before now then I'm sure it can be again. You need to tell him how he is making you feel so it stops x

Sorry, reading back, my first paragraph sounds a bit harsh - I didn't mean it to. Just meant to be descriptive. Apologies.

He's abusive.

it will get worse. my x was like this. I was running a five star hotel for him. Knowing that it will get worse not better, plan around that. Understand that you're 8 months pregnant but start making decisions based on the fact that you need to get out of this. I did the same, ploughed my savings in to an abusive man's pot. Lunacy. But they do often change their ways when you're pregnant.

The advice I have read so far is not very helpful!
You are about to have a baby. You have a full time job as a teacher which is mighty stressful.
I would stop doing any housework as you need to focus on you and this baby. If he complains then point out that he needs to do the lions share at the moment as you are about to give birth. If he doesnt like it then tough. Make it clear that once the baby comes you are expecting him to help.
This may have come about because you are both stressed about the baby. Men can react strangely to a coming baby -some feel very out of their depth because they are basically scared. Go on maternity leave and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy by nesting and getting the things ready for the baby. Try to relax and not worry about house work. Dont leave him! Im sure you can sort this out. If you cant, now is not the time to leave or worry. Worry about yourself now as you need it.
Good luck.
x

This man's been abusive for years and now has stepped it up. NEVER a good idea to stay with a person like this.

YANBU. I've never ironed a pillow case in my life, what would he think of that.
Hopefully, it's just some boundaries and things that need ironing out (although he is very much in the wrong). Sit him down and explain that housework is NOT just your job and if he doesn't get his act together and stop being rude then you will move out.
Start as you mean to go on and nip his ridiculous behaviour in the bud

My name is on the deeds? We both lived in separate places and then bought this house together. I'm sorry if my first post didn't make that clear. I know I need to talk to him about this. I have told him lots of times that I don't like that he corrects me constantly and he does apologise and say that he will change. This has obviously been a stressful time for both of us and I'm wondering if this is how his stress is manifesting.

Your OP sounds like the film Sleeping with the Enemy.

Does he work and what housework is he doing?

What would he actually do if you stopped doing any housework at all? AT eight months pregnant, working full time you shouldn't be lifting a finger. You should be plopping yourself down on the sofa the second you get home and staying there until you go to bed. What happens if you do that? Do you feel scared to do that because he'll get angry? Or unable to because he'll make you feel like shit?

Unless you'd be happy to see your son behave this way in the future or for your daughter to have a partner like this you do need an exit plan. Of course you're gutted that you've spent so much time and money on this relationship but that's no reason to waste even more. I can imagine that you in twenty years time will be screaming at yourself to get out now while you're young and have every chance to rebuild your life and create a wonderful home for your child.