To think I've made a huge mistake...

[Neve77]

I have been with OH for five years. I thought he was the love of my life. We have been engaged for a year and have a baby on the way.
We moved in together two weeks ago (house is mortgaged) and for the first week things seemed fine. He has always corrected me on things but now it seems like everything I do is wrong. He even criticised how I ironed a pillow case. Every thing I tell him he knows better than me or I must be in the wrong and he tries and proves me wrong. Every day I make breakfast, wash up, make the bed, go to work, come home and make tea and wash up from that. Today he said to me "you know you have to do housework too". I have cleaned the bathroom and kitchen each Saturday we lived here (a deep clean, I do tidy as I go along as well). Which hurt as I felt I had been pulling my weigh! He's now argued with me over the cost of a washing line and I just wanted to cry and the situation that I have got myself stuck in for the foreseeable future 😭. AIBU to wish I had stayed in my own place?

I totally agree that he is being an asshole , but a referral to adult safeguarding! Not letting on the birth certificate Seriously 😮. Maybe he is just so used to living alone he is really set in his ways and grumpy. I'm not suggesting you should put up with being corrected all the time either. And at 8 months pregnant he should be volunteering to do the majority of the housework imo. But as you say it's a stressful time .

To the person who suggested asking the midwife to raise a Safeguarding Adults Alert.....this is wrong advice. Safeguarding Adults procedures are for vulnerable adults who require social care services,sothose with a severe and enduring mental health condition, a learning disability etc. Pregnancy does not come into this category, unless of course the mum to be already receives social care (which is not suggested here.) If once the baby's born he appears a risk to the baby, that's a different matter and is a Safeguarding Children matter.

However, as the victim of emotional abuse, agencies such as Women's Aidwillbeable to giveyou help and support.

You are being emotionally abused by this man.
Leave him and sell the house. Please tell me your name is on the house

you have done 3 massive things house ,baby and moving in . did you chat about who would do what when you moved in. sounds like he,s presumed you will do everything and you have done everything. need ground rules on who does what .at a total loss why people say don,t put him on birth certifcate every child has the right to have both parents on it . you say he,s is critical and corrects you please give it a chance you have been together for 8 year so must b something about him tell him how unhappy you are and things need to change or you will walk away .
apologies if i have missed another post as there are some extreme responses about safe guarding . domestic violence reading your post you sound pissed off that you have to do everything around the house and criticises you

Just read this to my DH and he said tell him to F off !

Don't let him make you feel small, you have moved in as equal partners, and he has some inappropriate views on how a house is run. Maybe he grew up with his dad criticising while his mum did everything, who knows, but as he's seemed pleasant for 5 years, it sounds as if this might be something you can work through rather than give up on him?

You are his equal, so tell him you need to have a chat,and explain that this is not the way things are going to be - you are a team, you aren't his mum! So he needs to pull his weight and do at least half the chores, that is only fair. Appeal to his sense of fair play, and the fact that he is (presumably) a decent person. Tell him you both need to make a fresh start from today, on how things run, draw up a rota if he doesn't know what he's supposed to do when. Be polite and assume he just hasn't thought what he's doing, but be clear that you won't be carrying on doing everything.
I hope he's receptive to the idea of behaving better OP

OP

Abuse often ramps up or appears during pregnancy or around the birth of a child sadly.

Please tell a trusted friend and keep talking

Get out. Get out. Get out.

Run. He sounds awful

I know this isn't the point but you don't need to waste time ironing pillow cases!

I stopped ironing a few years ago after a friend told me she didn't iron anything - one of my best decisions ever!

Your 'D'P has been overly critical when you didn't live together and has stepped it up now you share a home. Criticising ironing a pillowcase FFS in my house the iron and the pillowcase never see each other.

It's only going to get worse if you stay with this man. What kind of human being expects an 8 month pregnant woman do fulfil the tasks that you are doing? What the hell is HE doing whilst he does not carry around a baby?

Stay with your mum or a friend and get legal advice with regards the house ASAP. After you give birth you will be in an even more vulnerable position and you do not want to be living with this man then. It's really hard when you think someone is the love of your life and then they turn out to be a bastard. I had this with my STBXH. I wish I'd got out years ago rather than ignoring the signs.

Lots of people are telling you to get out but that's a bit drastic.

No, it's not drastic, because a lot of us have been there, and we know the pattern.

OP, I agree with others - it will get worse. If you get out now you can still salvage a lot of your life savings. Don't leave it like I did (I left with the help of the Woman's Refuge with the clothes on my back and £146 to my name). I lost all my life savings and I am really battling even four years after leaving him. You have a chance to get out before you lose everything - I wish I had done that.

Just read this to my dh too, he says it'll only get worse. It won't be easy to get out but unless he changes meaningfully and permanently then you need to LTB.

You've both just gone through a big change of living together, all the stress of house buying and with a new baby due very soon. There is no excuse for his behaviour, but I think you need to sit down very calmly and say that you are upset with his attitude towards you and if this is how it is going to be, then you won't be able to stay. Give him a chance to correct this, and if he starts to criticise or nitpick, you calmly say i thought we'd talked about this behaviour and i'd made it clear that it isn't acceptable to me.............you've put up with him for 8 years so there must be lots of positives in your relationship to build on.

Nope not drastic. I didn't say get out because I know she probably won't. I clung on throughout the first pregnancy and even through a second. But it doesn't get better because a man who follows your around the house criticising your housework doesn't see you as an equal, and that's why it doesn't get better. My x treated me like an incompetent employee no matter how much I reasoned with him.

Abusers often start escalating the abuse when they think the victim doesn't have any options whether it's buying a house or having a baby. It may possibly be a case of he's having issues or stress that he hasn't told you about but his behaviour is unacceptable (i also believe that after 5 years, you'd recognise if he was just being a bit grumpy). My advice is to put documents including passport and copies of shared financial details somewhere safe not in the house. And also pack an emergency bag and keep in car or at work if possible. Then sit and talk to him, ask if he's aware of his behaviour and that he needs to step up and actually be a partner instead of trying to dictate to you. If you're nervous about his temper, then do it in front of a neutral party (counsellor). If he apologizes and tries to change then you know he's worth trying to work with. Although I would postpone any wedding plans. If he minimises his behaviour/blames others/promises but doesn't change then you need to end the relationship.

OP, do not stay quiet about his abusive behaviour, you will only isolate yourself.
Run for the hills.

Sorry OP it sounds like a shit time for you!

I hope his behaviour changes especially once the baby comes. Maybe once baby is born he'll realise how hard it is to get anything done and will lay off you. I feel awful that you are doing a full time job at 8 months pregnant and cooking tea/washing up afterwards, sorting breakfast, cleaning kitchen and bathroom on top of that. I'm going to assume you wash the clothes for the both of you too? This is not right. He should be doing his share and the majority of yours too. You should be getting your rest in preparation for the baby coming. Show him these posts and please speak to him.

On the other hand I do recall me and I my partner moving in together when I was 8.5 months pregnant and the amount of stress it caused on both sides was immense. I just wanted to rest but he was adamant we had to sort this out and that out before baby came. The night before I went in to labour we had a huge row. I told him to fuck off and sleep on the settee and let me get some fucking rest!! Too late though cos the day after that I had my newborn so no chance of a rest

AlmostaJillSandwich - no a father does not need to be on a birth certificate to be financially responsible for his child. My DS1's dad isn't on the birth certificate, he did a disappearing act. I called child maintenance with the little info I had, they tracked him down and he has to pay. He has had zero involvement with Ds1 since he was born. If he contested having to pay it would be up to HIM to prove he wasn't the father, not for me to prove he was. I digress.

Hope all gets better OP, sending you hugs

Red flag isn't the pillow cases, it's the 'correcting'. You wouldn't be so disrespectful as to 'correct' a friend once, let alone constantly. Adults don't 'correct', bullies do.

When I was 8 months pregnant and a full time teacher my DP did nearly all the housework and generally told me to sit down and put my feet up. He wouldn't have dreamt of telling me to do housework. Please don't tolerate this from your boyfriend. I wouldn't tolerate the constant attempts to "correct" you either. What a patronising controlling character he is. Does he have any good points?

Take some steps to get back control. Plan for the worst (i.e. leaving) and protecting your money / child.. Tell your midwife - she can help. Tell people you trust (family or friends). OP - it's not good. At 8 months pregnant he should be falling over backwards looking after you, not criticising over stupid shit.

I would sit down with him with someone very calm making tea in the background for support if you need it. OP, he doesn't sound great - and you've moved in with him despite years of criticism and he's asking you, 8 months pregnant, to do a bit more cleaning? And he's doing what?

I'd also consult a solicitor and make sure you have hands on the paperwork for the house and bank accounts. Not what you want just before you have your baby but sensible.

Fuck me! I'm 7 months pregnant and wont even iron my work clothes let alone pillowcases. I've a pile of clean washing taller than me and DP never comments, just does his own bits and pieces when needed. What a total COCK your DP is.

It took dh and I a few months/a year to adjust to each other when we moved in together, our expectations were very different but we got there. We just kept arguing talking until we settled down into an equal balance of chores/housework, both of us compromising here and there. It was worth it, been together 26 years now.

Its difficult to tell from your posts if your dp is adjusting or a prick, but it can be common for there to be a bit of dp training required when you first move in together.

My advice would be talk to him and tell him if he doesnt change it will be the end for both of your relationship with him. Say you cannot live with his behaviour. If he persists, follow through.