To think I've made a huge mistake...

[Neve77]

I have been with OH for five years. I thought he was the love of my life. We have been engaged for a year and have a baby on the way.
We moved in together two weeks ago (house is mortgaged) and for the first week things seemed fine. He has always corrected me on things but now it seems like everything I do is wrong. He even criticised how I ironed a pillow case. Every thing I tell him he knows better than me or I must be in the wrong and he tries and proves me wrong. Every day I make breakfast, wash up, make the bed, go to work, come home and make tea and wash up from that. Today he said to me "you know you have to do housework too". I have cleaned the bathroom and kitchen each Saturday we lived here (a deep clean, I do tidy as I go along as well). Which hurt as I felt I had been pulling my weigh! He's now argued with me over the cost of a washing line and I just wanted to cry and the situation that I have got myself stuck in for the foreseeable future 😭. AIBU to wish I had stayed in my own place?

Leave.
Sell the house and get your savings back.
Have your child alone.

Alternatively, make it clear you will NOT accept such an awful behaviour and see if he is changing. But I doubt it.

Apologies as this won't help but from my own personal experience.....it'll only get worse!

Honestly.

You will eventually start to daydream about a new life, a new man and a new house all without him in it, you will resent him, your life everything.

I know, I did it too. Luckily he left me!

It's not too late. It is NEVER too late.

I note that he waited until you were financially committed to the house before ramping his behaviour up. That smacks of deliberate action - kept it in check to reel you in. Keep that thought in mind.

So what to do now. Well, you could ask him to leave but I doubt he will. If you've poured your life savings into it, do you have anything for a deposit/rent? Do you have family you could move in with?

You must make it clear that you WILL NOT tolerate this behaviour. He either shapes up, stops being an arse (I don't think he will BTW) or the house goes on the market and you go your separate ways. And mean it.

So sorry Neve77. This sounds as if it's hit you for six.

((hugs))

Ironing pillowcases....?! Is it him that wants his pillowcases ironed and more housework done? Can't he do it himself? He should be treating you like a queen at this point in your pregnancy.
Did you not get an inkling he was like this over the previous 5 years?

When he corrects you are you correcting him back?

"You're ironing the pillowcase all wrong. Sort it out."
"You're speaking to me all wrong. Sort your attitude out."

"You've housework to do."
"I've already done my share, and I'm growing a human. Here's your feather duster and pinny, crack on and fuck off, gobshite."

Talking from experience I agree with PPs who say it's easier to get out sooner rather than later.

Sometimes men don't show their bad side until it's 'safe' to ie you're tied in now. But you aren't, and if he's the kind of person I think he is, life will be very difficult when the baby arrives if you stay with him.

Tell your parents or friends. Don't stay quiet about it. It's never too late to change things. There will be a solution.

This is just the start OP. Really, it is. There's only one way this is going and you need to turn in the other direction fast.

He waited until he thought he'd got you cornered. Well, he hasn't you know.

Can you afford the house on your own? Will you be going back to work FT.

Sorry your having to put up with this shit at this time where you should be excited, new home, new baby....

Pillowcase....my arse!

Sorry, OP, but this kind of behaviour often starts to manifest itself during pregnancy and after birth.

You still have time, I know it sounds like a formidable task but extricating yourself before the baby's born will be much easier than waiting till afterwards and dealing with the resulting stress of having to "keep up with the housework" with a tiny baby.

This might sound like a stupid question but do mortgages have cooling off periods ?? I mean I know you've bought the house and would have to sell it but then could you clear your mortgage without a huge penalty?

You seem to have skipped the whole honeymoon period and gone straight to hell, that's a big bypass, if its supposed to start off better I would be worried about where you go from here

Adding my voice to the chorus saying you need to get out now, and don't put his name on the birth certificate. He will only get worse - there is no doubt about that.

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you at a time when you should be happy and looking forward to the future. But please, think of that future - yours and you child's - and act now.

Let family and friends know what is going on, and get legal advice. You might feel as if you're in too deep to get out, but you're not.

That's ok you don't want to leave then ask him to go.

Tell him it's not going to work and you are pregnant with his child so need the house at the moment, that you will either buy him out eventually or put the house back up for sale but he needs to move out for now until you get legal advice.

If you feel you can't say this alone then get a friend/family member to come round.

If he kicks off and won't leave phone the police tell them you are a victim of domestic abuse, he won't leave and you are pregnant with nowhere to go and the house is jointly yours.

Then I suggest phoning woman's aid for advice and a friendly ear.

That's what I would do in your situation.

Oh dear, I'm afraid I agree that you've made a huge mistake.

Getting out won't be easy, but it will be better than having to put up with him and care for a tiny baby when you're at your most vulnerable. Cutting your losses is very hard, I know, but the alternative looks worse.

Whereyouleftit "I note that he waited until you were financially committed to the house before ramping his behaviour up. That smacks of deliberate action - kept it in check to reel you in. Keep that thought in mind."

this. This is exactly what he's done. It's quite common I think.

you both own the house? Even if he is trying it on and will respond to a chat - sorry but you've moved in with a monster who hid his true colours. You need legal advice asap.

Oh how awful - where were you both living before moving in - he wasn't with a mother who waited on him hand and foot was he by any chance. He's behaving like a 1950s bloke -show him this thread - he's being ridiculous. Assume you are on maternity leave? Is that why he thinks you should do everything - and once the baby comes, it will take you all day just looking after him/her and half the night too.

You really do need to discuss these issues with him - it sounds like you're just letting him tell you that you have to do the housework - you shouldn't be bending over cleaning a bath. Lots of people are telling you to get out but that's a bit drastic. BUT you really do need to tell him the housework needs to be shared. Maybe his father never did anything at home and so expects the woman to do everything. Unless that's what you want, I think you need to be assertive and discuss who does what - AND he definitely needs to know that a newborn takes it out of you like nothing on earth and if he thinks he's going to come home to a cooked meal, he can think again.

He needs a wake up call BUT you need to give it.....

You are 8 months pregnant and ironing pillowcases and it isn't enough?
Fuck me. No amount of life savings are worth that shit.
Get out now. You can sort everything later.

Oh OP

Should be such a special time

I can only repeat previous posters but you can get out ! You don't deserve any of this crap from him

Think of you and your baby!

This will only get worse

Best you leave now

I have never ironed a pillow case ! If DH wants them ironed he would have to do it himself although I'm sure it's not something he has ever noticed.

Why are you doing everything around the house? If you want to remain in the relationship, get things sorted out now otherwise you will end up going all the housework, childcare and working full time.

Sorry, I didn't get past "ironing pillowcases". This is not going to get better. Leave now. Sell the house. You don't want your child to grow up in an environment where you are being treated like this.

I would fucking ditch this wanker NOW. He's abusive and it will get worse. I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate, either.

This is so sad. Can you really see yourself living with him for the rest of your life?

It's never easy to leave but I think you should consider It. If he is this unpleasant and controlling now at a time that you should both be happy and excited in your new house waiting for the birth of your first child imagine what he will like when things aren't going well.

I know it doesn't always come across that way on MN but there are actually decent men out there - why would you settle for someone who treats you like a child. I'd rather be single personally.

Believe me he sounds a total nightmare to live with, in all my time with my partner he has never made any derogatory comment about housework, we just share the stuff that needs to be done it's not a big deal.You need to sit down and have a serious talk about your future.

This is very sad to read OP. You shouldn't have to pull your weight or iron pillowcases or feel you have to argue over a washing line!!! This is entirely unreasonable behaviour and abusive. You need to get away from this man

It's never too late to leave OP.

'Every day I make breakfast, wash up, make the bed, go to work, come home and make tea and wash up from that. Today he said to me "you know you have to do housework too". '

From tomorrow, you STOP. Make your own stuff. He bitches, you tell him, 'I'm not a skivvy.' And you tell your midwife as suggested and make plans to leave this man. And fuck ironing a pillowcase. EVER.