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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pissed off with dh and friend

173 replies

booloobalooloo · 11/03/2017 11:33

Not sure what I'm most pissed off about here.
Have an old uni friend staying this weekend. We got on really well at uni, had lots in common and she was bridesmaid at my wedding and we still keep in contact lots 10 years on. However since uni we've gone in very different directions. We are both homeowners but she is single and very career driven in a competitive field. I chose to go into a less competitive area of my work before becoming a sahm to my now toddler.
Just after breakfast this morning I mention I'm going to have a shower and dh says can I open the window so it's not too steamy up there. I say I'll open it when I'm done like normal. He puts in an argument that I should open it during but I say no cos I don't like the draft when I'm in the shower.
He is a bit sulky about this and makes a shit comment about damaging 'his' house and friend comments in agreement. It irritates me so I make a comment but try to keep it joky about being told how to shower in my own home and would she allow that? She says no, but her place is just hers and she'd never agree to a shared mortgage so always will be. I (stupidly) didn't leave it there and said ' so if someone moved in with you it'd be ok to tell them how to shower even tho it's their home too?'. She then told me no she wouldn't but then he'd be contributing to the house and I'm not!
They are now annoyed that I've suggested that in that case me and my ' contribution' go out (after my shower with the window shut) and have a good day while they enjoy the lack of steam and draft of open windows in the house.
Aibu for a) being pissed off at him trying to tell me how to shower, and b)being told I don't contribute to the household?

OP posts:

mummyto2monkeys · 13/03/2017 01:22

I'm another with suspicions about the relationship between your 'd' h and your so called 'best' friend. What a great best friend! Cozy chats together with your dh, defending your dh and undermining you in front of your husband! With friends like that who needs enemies! And your dh point scoring and making you out to be a waster in frtont of your friend is unforgivable!

Please be careful! You only need to read the relationship boards to see that many best friends have jumped into bed with their bff's husband/ and the reverse! I would have chucked friend out and gone ballistic on my dh for treating me so poorly! The fact they let you leave upset makes me wonder if they engineered this fall out to get time alone whilst you went out.

I hope I'm wrong OP but my instincts are screaming at me that your dh and bf are either contemplating or are already having an affair. My husband would not want to be left alone at home with one of my friends whilst I stormed out, he would be right on my heels apologising ! The fact it took MIL calling them to chase after you screams guilt ! Are they often flirty with each other?

GreyStars · 13/03/2017 01:30

Make sure you keep the MIL in the divorce good ones are hard to find.

Not actually suggesting you LTB, but he needs to appreciate your role/contribution in your family, the way he spoke to you is just disgraceful, blaming it all on your friend even worse.

Lulu49 · 13/03/2017 09:22

Cheeky effin bitch! Ffs I'd be so pissed off with her!

Lulu49 · 13/03/2017 09:23

Mummyto2monkeys

Well said, would ring alarm bells with me too

badabing36 · 13/03/2017 09:38

Obviously I wasn't there, but it does seem as pps have said that your friend wants to shag your husband.

If The my house thing was a joke, I don't think he's been as rude to you as your friend. But I would be nice and breezy while she's there, and then reduce contact with her.

diddl · 13/03/2017 10:01

It does seem odd that they both ganged up on you!

She should be taking your side & telling him not to be so daft!

Spice22 · 13/03/2017 10:26

Hang on : the OP involved her friend by asking her opinion. Should the friend have lied? She clearly believes what she says but said it only because she was asked. And like some PP have said, she wouldn't have known about childcare costs etc. It doesn't even sound like she's jealous either.

OP I'm glad they apologised. Sometimes it takes someone neutral (MIL) to see that you messed up. But PPs are right; please reconsider SAHM as a long term situation - subconsciously your husband doesn't value that contribution as much as you do.

mummyto2monkeys · 13/03/2017 10:45

The friend wasn't asked by op for her opinion, it was 'freely given' in defense of OP's husband. As shown in below quote!

'He is a bit sulky about this and makes a shit comment about damaging 'his' house and friend comments in agreement. It irritates me so I make a comment but try to keep it joky about being told how to shower in my own home and would she allow that? She says no, but her place is just hers and she'd never agree to a shared mortgage so always will be. I (stupidly) didn't leave it there and said ' so if someone moved in with you it'd be ok to tell them how to shower even tho it's their home too?'. She then told me no she wouldn't but then he'd be contributing to the house and I'm not! '

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 13/03/2017 10:45

Saying 'his house' he now claims (after a bollocking by his mother) was a joke. Hmm. Or he was showing his true colours and is now back-pedalling.

He started it by asking, or more like telling you, to open the window. Which sounds like it was the first time he's ever done so. So ask him why he chose that particular time to mention it.

I'm not convinced there's anything going on between him and friend , I think they were just playing top trumps in various ways - him with her over the house, her with the conspiritorially taking his side over you.

However as well as a heartfelt apology and explanation from DH, this should be the trigger for a long talk about how the two of you contribute to the relationship - using MIL's spreadsheet (bless her) as a starting point.

mummyto2monkeys · 13/03/2017 10:48

Reading this again this morning I am incredibly angry on your behalf and even more convinced thast your bf has alterior motives! I also question her motives in apologising, after all if you justifiably kick her to the kerb she will no longer have free access to your husband!

Spice22 · 13/03/2017 11:14

mummy apologies - I didn't see the 'friend comments in agreement' part.

However your last post sounds a bit ridiculous to me. You think the friend apologised so she could keep seeing OPs husband? If she hadn't apologised then she would have been seen as a bitch. Do you really find it so hard to believe that some women are happy without the husband/kids set up that you would suggest something like this?

mummyto2monkeys · 13/03/2017 12:07

This has nothing to do with op's friends marital status, nor have I claimed she was jealous or in any way wanting to steal op's family life. My opinion is based purely on the friends behaviour. No genuine friend would dare intervene in an argument between a married couple, if they were to interfere then it should be in defense of her friend (especially considering the condescending attitude of op's dh!!!!). Instead she joins the dh in running the op down, implying that she is some sort of leech on her husband!

Then when op is so upset that she chooses to take her toddler out, instead of running after op to apologise for hurting and offending her she decides to stay at the op's home ALONE with op's husband! She has shown that she no longer respects or values op now that she is no longer working! In the best scenario she is completely disrespectful and only respects the dh, therefore she is staying not to spend time with her friend but with her husband. In the worst case she is attracted to and would like to/ or is already having an affair with op's husband, in which case yes she would still want to be able to stay in contact with the dh. What I do know is that this friend very smoothly stood up for the dh, which to me suggests this is not the first time she has joined op's husband in a bitch about op. I would be wondering just how the conversation continued after op left. And I would be telling them to shove their apologies, especially considering that they were forced by the (fantastic) MIL! If they were truly sorry they would have immediately apologised before op even left the house!

Original poster

booloobalooloo · 13/03/2017 16:35

Hi!
Had lots of words with my husband last night once my friend had gone and we discussed everything. He hadn't technically agreed with my friend about my 'contribution' yesterday but had stayed silent because he didn't know what to say and I had jumped right in anyway.
There is definitely nothing going on between the two of them. For one thing, they are much too similar. Both are stubborn and lean towards controlling if they are allowed to be. Hence the shower comment. Me and my husband have and do work hard to make sure that this side of him doesn't get out often (at one point he was in almost complete control, but when we reached breaking point he decided he wanted me more than that) and if it does I have to be quick to stamp it out, hence the bickering in front of my friend. We have come a long way. Friend is aware of this. They would never be able to stand each others inability to bend.
My friend has always been outspoken, driven and fiercely independent and would never consider the life I have now (not working etc). However the fact she has clearly made a judgement about it is not ok. Though I think mainly because she hasn't ever thought about or had experience of my point of view. I haven't figured out how to tackle that yet.

OP posts:

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 13/03/2017 16:47

'Outspoken' - oh, yeah that widely-pedalled euphemism for 'rude and insensitive'. Sincerely hope it wasn't your DP who reassured you that they are 'too much alike'.... Ditch her. Do NOT invite her back.

ohfourfoxache · 13/03/2017 16:56

With a "friend" like that you don't need enemies. She sounds like a complete cow.

Original poster

booloobalooloo · 13/03/2017 17:08

No he didn't persuade me. It's easy to see. And it's not that they are alike it's HOW they are alike that I know there'd be murder if they spent too much time together. We lived almost together at uni and they Havre both got worse since!

OP posts:

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 13/03/2017 17:14

I just think a good friend would keep her mouth shut in the heat of the moment, even if she thought you were being unreasonable - then, when you were alone together, perhaps point out that she thought you were out of order, NOT in front of your partner. (and you weren't being unreasonable - who wants to shower with a draft up their backside?!)

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/03/2017 18:07

"I haven't figured out how to tackle that yet."
Well since she "has always been outspoken", I suggest you return the compliment. She made it clear that she considered that you did not contribute anything to your household. I'd be putting a rocket up her arse pointing out your disappointment that she clearly only considers financial contributions to count, and ask her opinion on the quote about knowing the cost of everything but the value of nothing. I would NOT let it lie. Her behaviour suggests that she doesn't respect you, and I'd be pointing that out to her.

Hurleygirl123 · 15/03/2017 07:38

I would be insulted, disappointed and bloody furious. Yet another dh (and clueless 'friend' with no idea what it takes to be a sahm. Why not add up hours spent on cooking, childcare (inc while dc sleeps) cleaning, shopping, gardening, home administration... Then tot up what a housekeeper would cost, a shopping service, a gardener and a nanny... Oh and a pa. Make an invoice and present it to the arrogant gits?
Then remind them that undermining the 'staff' leads to poor performance levels...ie. Wash your own bloody socks.

cherish123 · 18/03/2017 16:24

Presumably your name is on the mortgage. Point out you will contributing financially in a few years and because of your time off work, you will probably not be able to retire as early as he will. You can then moan at him in his retirement.😀

Deidre21 · 09/04/2017 22:07

Agree with picklemepopcorn

Deidre21 · 09/04/2017 22:08

And Hurley girl123

NataliaOsipova · 09/04/2017 22:16

Agree that they both sound like a pair of wankers.

Ask your DH if the divorce courts would regard it as "his" house.....?

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