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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pissed off with dh and friend

173 replies

booloobalooloo · 11/03/2017 11:33

Not sure what I'm most pissed off about here.
Have an old uni friend staying this weekend. We got on really well at uni, had lots in common and she was bridesmaid at my wedding and we still keep in contact lots 10 years on. However since uni we've gone in very different directions. We are both homeowners but she is single and very career driven in a competitive field. I chose to go into a less competitive area of my work before becoming a sahm to my now toddler.
Just after breakfast this morning I mention I'm going to have a shower and dh says can I open the window so it's not too steamy up there. I say I'll open it when I'm done like normal. He puts in an argument that I should open it during but I say no cos I don't like the draft when I'm in the shower.
He is a bit sulky about this and makes a shit comment about damaging 'his' house and friend comments in agreement. It irritates me so I make a comment but try to keep it joky about being told how to shower in my own home and would she allow that? She says no, but her place is just hers and she'd never agree to a shared mortgage so always will be. I (stupidly) didn't leave it there and said ' so if someone moved in with you it'd be ok to tell them how to shower even tho it's their home too?'. She then told me no she wouldn't but then he'd be contributing to the house and I'm not!
They are now annoyed that I've suggested that in that case me and my ' contribution' go out (after my shower with the window shut) and have a good day while they enjoy the lack of steam and draft of open windows in the house.
Aibu for a) being pissed off at him trying to tell me how to shower, and b)being told I don't contribute to the household?

OP posts:
Bansteadmum · 11/03/2017 12:48

If your H holds those attitudes and thinks it's OK to express them to you, and your guest, then he is probably not someone you can rely on as a SAHM. I would not want to take the long term financial risks of being a SAHM with a partner like that.

Your friend was really rude, and sounds very ignorant of the challenges of motherhood and of basic equality. it's great that you said that to them both.

nakedscientist · 11/03/2017 12:49

I suggest you stop all 'house' work - including outside the house too like shopping etc, and stop looking after your toddler and tell DH he either needs to stay at home to look after toddler or pay for full time childcare. And then declare 'This is what not contributing looks like'

This. What a mardy DH and Snarky " friend".

WorldWideWish · 11/03/2017 12:53

I'd be far angrier with my DH than with the friend. She's single and childless so she doesn't realise how tough it is to be a SAHP with a toddler. Your DH, however, should know better than to refer to the house as his house. It shows a complete lack of acknowledgement for the value of your role Angry

itsmine · 11/03/2017 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlueFolly · 11/03/2017 12:59

Pair of twats!

FedglingFTB · 11/03/2017 13:01

YANBU! AND you are VERY much contributing to that household!

Condescending pricks the pair of 'em Angry

NotYoda · 11/03/2017 13:01

Is this really true?

I think 'fuck off' might have leaked out of my mouth at her comment. But who gets in the middle of an argument, then basically uses it to lay criticism on you, her friend?

You DH was really unreasonable, too. Who lets a draught in while showering?

NotYoda · 11/03/2017 13:03

Are they engaging in some kind of odd flirting with each other?

HappyFlappy · 11/03/2017 13:06

I think 'fuck off' might have leaked out of my mouth at her comment.

As Yoda suggests,

And as others have suggested, wish her a safe journey home and tell her not to hurry back.

Viviennemary · 11/03/2017 13:07

Sounds like she is a bit jealous of you. I immediately thought she may have designs on your DH. They are both horrible ganging up on you. Wouldn't really like her as a friend though so don't invite her again. In fact I'd feel like having no more to do with her for quite a while. It's none of her business what your contribution to the household is. She is being quite nasty.

ClaryIsTheBest · 11/03/2017 13:37

My DH is a SAHD (he works from home, admittedly and goes to work two half days a week). Anyhow, he contributes a lot. Not financially, admittedly, but I've always been the higher earner.

But he is the one doing all the "heavy lifting" where parenting is concerned, had more sleep less nights than I did (sorry, DH!) and cooks more often than I do. Of course my job also allows him to have a living standard that he couldn't have afforded even if he did work fulltime (he's a historian...).

But seriously, I'd never say something like that to my DH! He does so much and being a SAHP is surely very challenging and difficult. Plus, he's raising our daughter. Nothing is more valuable than that!!

They sound like twats! Maybe she's jealous? Is she trying to hit on your DH? I'd be more upset about DH than the friend, btw.

And please... Are you in a good position? Financially? not trying to suggest anything when there's nothing to suggest. But do you have the finances to go through a divorce etc? Please take care.

dataandspot · 11/03/2017 13:40

Misery loves company

Doesn't opening the door mean the humidity spreads all over the house?

Foxysoxy01 · 11/03/2017 13:48

They are both really horrible!

I would be keeping a close eye though (or maybe not as DH seems like a twat tbh) that they are doing a bit of strange flirting and friend is proving how much like each other they are and using you to bond over by ganging up on.

ImperialBlether · 11/03/2017 13:52

I agree with Foxy - they are bonding over their intolerance of you. I think you should be watchful now.

Ampersand22 · 11/03/2017 13:52

JaniceBattersby
"Seeing as your contribution is fuck all, I'd let them contribute fuck all today by leaving them to do fuck all with the toddler while you go out somewhere nice"

lol. right on

AnyFucker · 11/03/2017 13:54

Yes.

When your friend has gone (hopefully with a flea in her ear) I would be asking my husband why he used me to try and impress another woman.

gamerchick · 11/03/2017 13:54

If your H holds those attitudes and thinks it's OK to express them to you, and your guest, then he is probably not someone you can rely on as a SAHM. I would not want to take the long term financial risks of being a SAHM with a partner like that

Bloody right! even if he was showing off. I'd be saying exactly that to him as well. If he truly believes that you aren't contributing then I wouldn't be comfortable depending on him long term. I'm thinking a discussion on returning to work and the logistics are needed to hammer the point home.

The friend is just ignorant to what life with younglings are like. Don't ask her opinion.

ClaryIsTheBest · 11/03/2017 13:56

If your H holds those attitudes and thinks it's OK to express them to you, and your guest, then he is probably not someone you can rely on as a SAHM. I would not want to take the long term financial risks of being a SAHM with a partner like that

So true, OP! Can you go back to work (even if it's just for 1-2 days a week)? Do you have shared finances or...?

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/03/2017 13:58

Contributions to the household are not just financial. It is your time and effort which frees your husband to work outside the home. That's a given.

But their attitude - Shock fuck me! Weird. I do agree that there's a bit of showing off to each other going on - but why would they want to show off to each other? It is not 'his' home, at least not in the ambiguous sense that he presented. It is your and his. Shared.

I'd be having serious words with him and suggesting she's outstayed her welcome. After leaving the two of them alone to toddler-wrangle. Arses.

Atenco · 11/03/2017 13:58

Sounds like she is a bit jealous of you

This, though to my mind it sounds like she does like her job, frankly.

I hope you have gone out, OP. I would certainly throw that friend in the dustbin. I am in my sixties and back in the day, women did not ask another woman if she worked, they asked if she worked outside the home, because the work at home is often much harder than paid work, frankly. I worked part-time when my dd was small and found my work much easier than trying to keep the house clean, thinking of something to cook for dinner and keeping my dd entertained, much as I loved her.

ChasedByBees · 11/03/2017 14:01

Wow. Your friend is hardly a friend and your DH isn't much cop either.

fruitlovingmonkey · 11/03/2017 14:01

Your friend is a twat and I guess she doesn't know what parenting is like at all.
Your DH is the big problem though. I assume he agreed to you staying at home so he doesn't get to hold it against you now. It isn't his house, it's your family home.
Ps get an extractor fan!

PuppyMonkey · 11/03/2017 14:02

Could you go off and get a couple of buckets of ice cold water, throw liberally over your DH and friend and then passive aggressively open a window before you leave and go off to pub? Grin

Ampersand22 · 11/03/2017 14:06

I reckon you and the lady whose husband dripped fish water all over the dishes should go out on the lash.

ADishBestEatenCold · 11/03/2017 14:10

I wouldn't go out and leave the pair of them alone for the day to talk about you behind your back.

Am not sure why I wouldn't. Just a feeling.

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